Sober and Somber after a decade

Postby Sightblack » Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:12 pm

Dear Mary Jane and Philip Morris-

I'm going to tell you my entire story as a coping mechanism now and hopefully everyday thereafter until I feel I am no longer holding any malice towards you, and until you no longer hold me. It has been fun.

I turn 30 years old in 10 days, I hope to be completely sober by then.

Yesterday didn't mark anything for me, it was just a big struggle. I am the heaviest smoker I ever met smoking about a quarter pound every 2 weeks. Sometimes, I can clear 3/4 of a pound in a month, but I try really hard not to smoke more than a qp per paycheck. I buy blunt wraps from Germany in bulk (paperguru)-- smoking more than some people make in a month. I'm not bragging either. I'm ashamed. Smoking weed has screwed me out of some really good job opportunities and limited my civilian work to bottom feeding so I've had to improvise to supplement my income.

I am a functioning junkie right now, but hopefully not for much longer.

The first time I smoked weed I was 11 years old. I got it from my uncle Ringo when he was about 16. I never developed a weed habit though. I joined the marine corps in 2006, did five years and 2 deployments. During that time in 2008, my uncle Ringo had just finished a prison sentence of 6 years (reckless endangerment and evading arrest). He was living with his mom, my grandmother and I felt really bad for him. We grew up almost like brothers even though he is my uncle. At the time, I was going through a lengthy and painful divorce from my cheating exwife so I invited uncle Ringo to come live with me, as I was living alone at that time. I paid his trip, got him a job, bought him a car, and the routine basically went: Wake up for work, get high af, go to work, come home, get high af again. We basically stayed stoned 24 hours a day. I took weed with me on base and smoked during my lunch break cause honestly, I didn't give af, which has been my attitude until most recently.

I started smoking hashish in Afghanistan on my second deployment and haven't been sober for more than a few hours since. I was discharged from the marine corps (honorably) in 2011 with a TS/SCI clearance. How was I able to slip through the cracks? I was part of a brand new unit the marine corps stood up in 2005 called marsoc. I'm not going to go into depth about it, but basically there were no random drug tests for the longest time in marsoc due to lack of organization and personnel. That is the first half of how I did it... the second half is luck. Really really lucky more than once.

When I came back from Afghanistan after smoking hashish everyday for nearly a year, smoking spice was not my primary objective anymore. I felt that smoking weed was a requirement for me. I don't want to say that 4 letter acronym that is most associated with veterans, but Mary-- you have seen me through some really tough and and sleepless nights. I'm still one paranoid mfer, but I'm 100 times better than I was 7 or 8 years ago, and I don't need you anymore. I don't want you anymore.

In the last 10 years, I have developed a weed network mfers would give up a testicle to be a part of. Developing a weed network was in part to make more contacts to buy weed at first, but ultimately to get my smoke for free (or right at it). I'm not going to give it up either, I will just switch from smoking my money, to pocketing it. I've put way to much work into my network to let it go up in flames, and I do firmly believe that I can be around you, without being tempting-- eventually. If not, then so be it, I'll burn my problems to the ground to forget about you at this point.

So yeah, I've been in bed with you for the last 10 years, and I'm done. I've slept a collective of about 4 or 5 hours in the last 48 hours... I've ate a little bit of sausage and eggs yesterday for breakfast but that is all I've managed to eat... I'm holding back tears, which are seemingly there for no reason at all. I'm tired of having a smoker's cough. I'm tired of my lungs being congested. I'm just really tired of you I think.

I'm not sure exactly the last time I smoked weed, cause stuff has been really sober for me for the last day or 2. As best I can figure, I smoked a blunt on Saturday morning. I took a couple of really small hits yesterday morning on a dab pen cause I was not doing to well. I'm done with dab pens now too though. I don't give af, I'm done with you. I wasn't able to sleep at all Saturday night, and I finally got a couple hours of sleep due to exhaustion and sleeping pills on Sunday evening. I still only slept for like 2 or 3 hours. After I woke up, I was having really bad withdrawals so I went to the bar last night and got hammered. First time I've ever been to the bar without smoking weed or cigarettes. Fell asleep at like 3am this morning, my wife woke up me getting out of bed for work at 6am... its now 9am. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day sober but I'm going to figure it out. I ran out of weed while visiting my parents in Savannah, GA in 2014 and didn't have anyway of getting anymore that day. I had a nervous breakdown and ended up just crying for hours in my wifes arms. That was the last time I was sober for more than a few hours.

My mom and wife have no opinion on my habit, but my dad always tries his hardest to make me feel like crap for spending so much time with you, and you know what? The old man is right, just as he always is. You are a crutch, and I no longer need you. It really is hard to say that, but with tears in my eyes--

I pray to god you two never have control over me again. I am taking back my life and my health starting today. Maybe I even take my fat tas for a run today to exorcise the demons. After I stop smoking everything, I'm going to stop dipping and drinking soda. That is the long term goal of a very very weak man right now.

I'll try to post twice a day here, but may end up being more due to coping with this stuff.
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Postby anastasiawilson » Mon Jan 29, 2018 6:11 pm

That toxic relationship we all have with MJ has to go!

I try to associate it with breaking up with a person... it's unbearable in the beginning and you feel like you just want to stop living or fall asleep and wake up in some months. And you wanna do anything to have this person back, but it's just not happening... But you know it goes away, time heals. The same will happen here. Its a breakup that has to happen and will be worth it all and so much more in the long run.

Good luck to you :)
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Postby Sightblack » Mon Jan 29, 2018 6:52 pm

Thanks for your reply Anastasiawilson. I appreciate your support.

Current Mood: FML

Current symptoms include:
Excessive sweating and hot flashes
I am hungry but the thought of food kind of turns my stomach
Heart palpitations
Constant Headache and ears ringing
Body aches

Its only been a couple of hours since my very first post but I'm dying and need do some kind of venting. I've been trying to drink lots of water as it curves the hunger. I will try to eat some crackers or something here in a bit to make me feel better. As for coping with the monotony of withdrawals-- I'm going to try to start a project today. I have a couple issues I've been procrastinating on... which is a symptom of smoking weed right? I'm already regaining motivation to do stuff maybe? Maybe not. At any rate, I need to figure out which project I will do today. My choices are:

1. Finish my guitar.
I bought all new hardware and vintage pickups for my guitar a month ago! Several hundred dollars of hardware. Maybe I'll take the tape off the box today! I need to install a 2 DPDT switches and one SPDT switch in my guitar for coil tapping, and tone capacitor toggle. Basically need to take everything apart and desolder everything, it will take several hours.

2. Fix my guitar amp.
Need to order a new circuit board and swap out the old one... without the part on hand, probably not doing that today, but I'll order it.

3. Fix my truck
Not really broken, but time for new rear bushings and new front ball joints. Already have both parts, never opened them either. (I know I'm terrible) Also need to install my ebrake cable... prob do all of that in 2 hours or so.

I've got to find something to do to keep me busy. Fairly certain I'm going to start running again everyday.
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Postby Sightblack » Tue Jan 30, 2018 9:50 am

I made it through the day but it was painful. I only managed to eat most of a bologna sandwich. I didn't end up fixing my guitar as I had hoped. I didn't even start a project today. My head ache is easing as well. I'm still extremely irritable... and running on very little sleep for the 3rd day now. It is almost 2 in the morning and all I can think about it how much I dread doing this again tomorrow. The amount I've sweated today is unreal. I've ran 7 miles and sweated less than I've sweated today. Throughout it all, I've done my best to stay strong, stay positive, and drinking lots of water. Trying my best not to feel sorry for myself.

I also found a bottle of "Cannitrol" I purchased a few months back that was suppose to ease the withdrawal symptoms. I'll go ahead and tell you, it doesn't... but I took two caps around noon today hoping for some kind of placebo effect. No joy. I'm going to keep taking them anyways as the pills only contain pretty basic ingredients. I grabbed all my weed/oil and paraphernalia to include ashtrays and put them all in a box in the top of the closet in an effort to minimize my triggers as well.

My wife told me she will use the money I would have spent on weed next month to buy me a new guitar at the end of February if I'm still weed free! She is so supportive. <3

Overall, day 2 sucked really bad but was a success. Going to try to go get some sleep now.

[End Day 2]
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Postby Sightblack » Tue Jan 30, 2018 6:13 pm

[Begin Day 3]

The last time I looked at the clock before I fell asleep, it was 4am. I did finally get some sleep tho. I was able to sleep until about 9am this morning. I woke up feeling a lot better, not going to lie. My headache is completely gone, I also think I might be able to eat food today. I only ate a sandwich yesterday for the whole day.

Of course, I'm still jones'ing to get high as a mfer, but I feel like alteast for me, I made it to first base! I'm excited to break the Day 7 mark, cause honestly, I don't feel like I'm going to fail at this point. This decision was an obvious decision to make for me, but I don't think I have been ready/willing to quit smoking weed until few days ago. I never really wanted to quit up until now.

This is the most progress I've ever made towards breaking my habit without replacing it with alcohol or other recreational drugs. My true desire is to be 100% sober again. I'm tired of being numb on the inside.

Day 3!!! Lets do this!
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Postby SleeplessInEngland » Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:56 pm

Hi Sight,

Keep pushing through, one day at a time. One hour at a time if need be. In my experience, the first 2 weeks were the toughest. Deep breaths and remind yourself why you're doing this.
Indeed it can be done! It doesn't seem easy at first, but your health has to be worth it.
Sleep will regain some normalcy over the next few months - it takes a while for your brain to learn how to do it for itself.

Try some sleep teas - chamomile is known to be good.
Try some binaural beats or isochronic tones wearing your headphones on Youtube. I love them.

Be soothing and kind to yourself and tell yourself this will be past one day.
I'm 14 weeks clean now.

You got this.

SleeplessInEngland x
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Postby IrishStonerGirl » Tue Jan 30, 2018 9:35 pm

Well done'v got this!! I'm 3 weeks weed free now and feeling so much better. I like you made the decision that enough was enough....sneaking away to have a smoke, not going out socialising or if I did leaving after an hour to go home and smoke. I'm turning 40 soon and have been smoking 20 years - not as much as you but enough to cloud my judgement - I was very much a secret smoker.
The first 2 weeks were hard but once you'v made the decision stick with it. The headache goes, the sweating will stop and you will sleep and wake up with a clear head (I like that bit the best!!)
Keep logging your recovery if it helps - the 1st week I was on this all the time, not commenting but reading and comparing myself to others. It does help though!
I keep thinking of the amount of money iv smoke over the years - I'm not going to work it out cause I'll beat myself up with guilt! But already I have saved a few hundred euro now that's motivation to keep going!!!
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Postby Sightblack » Wed Jan 31, 2018 5:37 am

IrishStonerGirl wrote:Well done'v got this!! I'm 3 weeks weed free now and feeling so much better.

That is very reassuring. I really appreciate your support IrishStonerGirl.

[Day 3 still]

I am still perspiring profusely and having hot flashes but it is starting to let up just a bit.
I was able to eat 3 bites of sausage today... so I think I'm up to like 6 or 7 bites for the last 3 days! My mood improving, although I'm still crabby and snappy. No headache today at all, which was a much needed break. I was able to squeeze in a nap today which lasted for approximately 5 hours, give or take. My body is still aching and boredom is the hardest thing to deal with. The monotony of having nothing to do is overwhelming at times and it is even harder to find the energy and will power to make myself do something other than get high.

So today, to combat monotony-- I spent couple hours cleaning my guns which needed to be done anyways. It gave my mind something to focus on, and I tried my hardest to give my 100% attention to the task so as not to think about smoking. I really just focused my hardest on cleaning my guns. I got 2 ambien pills from my friend and I'm going to buy some OTC sleeping pills tomorrow cause I laid in bed for a few hours last night until I fell asleep. It sucked. Hopefully that will remedy my sleeping situation until withdrawal symptoms lessen.

Until tomorrow fam.
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Postby Sightblack » Wed Jan 31, 2018 8:00 pm

[Day 4]

Sleep was amazing with ambien last night. That is probably the like the 5th tab of ambien I've taken in my life! I woke up this morning focusing on getting my kids taken care of and fed as well as some little things around the house INSTEAD of getting high!

I'm still irritable I believe. My sweats seem to be gone! Also on a lesser note, I was a pretty heavy mountain dew drinker until I started this whole ordeal... mind you I have had less than 1 can of mtndew in the last 4 days... I've been drinking so much water and gatorade... yet my urine is very dark whereas it looked clear few days ago when I was smoking pot and pounding mtndew.

I'd really just like to take a moment to thank every individual on this forum that has shared their story. I've drawn strength from so many of you. Thank you for helping to make me a better person. I will not lose sight of my goal.
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Postby Sightblack » Wed Jan 31, 2018 8:33 pm

I also wanted to add in that I was able to eat 3/4 of a sandwich today for lunch! I would have finished my sandwich but it started making my stomach hurt. I feel like I will be able to eat some dinner tonight too. Fingers crossed.
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Postby Sightblack » Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:41 pm

Mid-day update:

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Postby Sightblack » Thu Feb 01, 2018 7:31 am

Today was a success. I cleaned the heck out of the house today. Went to my friends house, fixed his computer and diagnosed his PS3. We went to the bar (where I normally smoke alot of weed) but I didn't have a super strong desire to smoke weed and cigarettes like I normally would have had and therefore, I didn't! We drunk a few pitchers of beer and then I took him home. So simple!

I participated in three meals today. For breakfast, I was able to eat about 1/4 of my meal. For lunch I got about half down... and omw from the bar, I got Jack in the Box for me and my family. I was able to eat about 3/4 of my entire meal! My appetite is returning!!

No headache today.
No bodyaches today.
I did sweat ALOT at the bar though... so my sweats still aren't entirely gone.
My appetite is returning slowly.
The urge to smoke is not nearly as bad as yesterday.
I think this thing might actually be getting easier to do.

I had a dream last night about my dead Uncle Vincent. He died in 2001 and we were very close.

I was having a mild arguiement with a man in an unfamiliar place about something indistinct.. We were sitting on sofas in a public place not unlike a starbucks lounge. I don't remember what we were arguing about but then I realized my Uncle Vincent was sitting next to me and I instantly turned to face him and give him a hug. With tears in my eyes I asked him a question regarding my past. I don't remember what I asked him, but it had to do with an atrocity I committed overseas. My uncle smiled at me, as I was so accustomed to seeing. He said "They don't care much about that kind of thing up there." I cried in Vincent's arms, and said "I love you papa". Vincent was not my father, but he was my uncle and a truck driver and his CB handle was always "Papa Bear" or "Pooh Bear" for as long as I can remember. Vincent treated me good when none of my other family would.

He was taken suddenly from us in 2001. He developed blood clots in his lungs and started having trouble breathing. My aunt (his wife) took him to St. Mary's Hospital in Scott County, Tennessee. They treated my uncle for a heart attack and killed him that night. I was about 14 or 15 at the time. All I can remember from that very disturbing event was my uncle Vincent's last words: "I'm going, I'm going, I'm gone." I dearly miss him.

At any rate, the addiction is fading and reality is setting in. I'm still looking forward to breaking day 7.
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Postby asgoodasitgets » Fri Feb 02, 2018 3:44 am

Sightblack -

I really appreciate your words and thoughts here. It sounds like you are finding success and that the days are starting to get more manageable. :D

I quit smoking only once in the last fifteen years. That time I quit, it was supposed to be until I found a new job, but I ended up going through a really nasty withdrawal process and decided to just quit. I remember distinctly telling myself, "I will never smoke again because I never want to have to go through the WD again." Well you guessed it, I obviously relapsed and thus here I am again. It is now Day 3 and I have enjoyed cold sweats, headache, loss of appetite, and some lovely diarrhea (TMI?). Last night I also have my first "using dream," which is a term I never heard until the first time I quit weed years ago. In my dream last night, I "f***ed up" my plan to stay sober and took a few hits off a vape pen. It's so funny the way your mind plays games with you. I woke up anxious and upset until I realized it was just a mind game.

The first time I quit, I read forums but never interacted. I have decided that interaction with others will support my recovery and I am so thankful to have stumbled across this site. Keep fighting the good fight and thank you for your service. Keep writing and I will keep responding to support you.

All the best,

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Postby Sightblack » Fri Feb 02, 2018 4:33 am

asgoodasitgets wrote:Sightblack -

I really appreciate your words and thoughts here. It sounds like you are finding success and that the days are starting to get more manageable. :D

I'm really glad you are able to draw strength from my words Alex. I've drawn a lot of strength from others on this forum so I am thrilled to know I can give back to the community in the same way. Reading other peoples stories on here is what prompted me to start my own thread and I want to encourage you to do the same. Same as you-- I've already told myself I will never smoke pot again, and for the exact same reason as you. I don't ever want to feel like this again.

So here goes my [Day 5] update!

I took ambien last night before bed and slept for 10 hours today! WOW. I woke up and immediately started polishing the clean on my house. I got a lot of oddball stuff done around the house in the nooks and crannys. I was only able to eat a few bites of breakfast today, after which, I handled some errands in town that I have been procrastinating on for couple of months. Then I got some grocery shopping done. When I got home, I did my taxes which took several hours ($10k dollar return!!! WOO). I cooked a banging spaghetti dinner while doing taxes. It is one of my favorite meals so I made it in hopes to stimulate my appetite. SUCCESS! I was able to put some dinner away tonight!

Honestly, smoking has not been on my mind too much today. The craving have been a lot more manageable since yesterday and this is further than I ever thought I'd get. I feel a lot more positive about my position in life right now and I'm definitely more upbeat and energetic today.

After dinner, I wrapped up the taxes while digesting dinner and here I am. I am trying to motivate myself to start on my guitar project tonight, but after such a lovely dinner-- I'm just fat and happy!

Tomorrow is day 6 and I'm stoked to be sober.
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Postby papadoc » Fri Feb 02, 2018 7:07 am

Hey Sight,
Am glad to know that you have been able to hold on to the struggle to day 6. You are indeed a strong man. It took me about 30 futile attempts to quit weed before I devised a means...learning that in order to successfully give up on a habit, sometimes you have to replace it with another, so I resumed drinking which I had quit a year before. So somehow I managed to quit weed and am now 3months clean.
Lucky for you, it seems the habits you are adopting to occupy your weed time are healthy habits, cleaning up, fixing your ride, all being some sort of exercise to take you out of the chill zone that weed places most of us in. You are lucky too it seems, you have not experienced serious withdrawal symptoms like memory lapses, intense headaches, serious mood swings, that I am still dealing with even after 3 months.
Quitting is a continous struggle and no matter how strong the urge to take a J, we should always keep reminding ourselves of why we decided to quit in the first place.
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