7 months after weed. Battle fatigue.

Postby skookum » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:23 pm

Hello all. My name is Mike and I am 25 years old. My story of addiction began when I was 16 years old. I started out smoking weed and binge drinking on the weekends. Typical high school party stuff, but before I knew what had happened addiction had me in its grasp. I began to smoke every day, sometimes before school, sometimes during lunch, and sometimes after school. Every day though. Binge drinking still on the weekends. I was never a great student, but my drug abuse had a significant impact on my studies. I began to skip classes and never do my school work. I was lucky to graduate high school, I just barely scraped by. After I graduated all of my friends went off to college but I stayed at home. I worked a crappy job waiting tables and went to community college. I never went to class though, and got dropped from many courses for never showing up. I always preferred to be high than to actually be in school. I never wanted to face my problems and the fact that I was stagnating in life so I hid behind a haze of weed smoke. Over the past 6 years I have taken numerous classes at the community college but I have only ever finished 4...... I have 12 credits to show for years of my life. Its extremely embarrassing, but at the time all I cared about was getting high.


This went on for years. I got a DUI and had my license taken away for a year. I stopped drinking and began to increase my weed usage. I had a dealer that would bring it by my house since I couldn't drive. I was smoking about 1/8 of an ounce a week sometimes up to 1/4 ounce. Usually by myself. This was my rate of smoking for years and years. My depression became worse and worse over the years but I never connected it to my weed usage. In my eyes, marijuana was the one good thing I had going on in my life. I eventually got my license back and got a great job waiting tables at one of the nicest restaurants in my city. I quickly rose through the ranks there and became the assistant manager and bartender. I got a girlfriend and had my own apartment. Things were looking up for me, but my weed abuse continued. I would feel crappy all day until I had to go to work. I would smoke right before I went into work and then as soon as I got home at night. My girlfriend began smoking with me and eventually she was as addicted as I was. I never went out on the weekends, I never saw my friends. I would just rather stay at home and get high and play video games. It was escapism at its finest. This whole time I was still taking the occasional class at college. I lied to my parents and my girlfriend about how I was doing in school because I was embarrassed at how bad things had gotten.

Things reached a breaking point with my girlfriend, and after 2 years we broke up. She cheated on me and I ended up moving out. It was awful. I moved back home with my mother and still my weed use stayed the same. I began to use cocaine occasionally during this time period (maybe once a month). I eventually found a house and moved in with a couple of people I knew from high school. At this point though my depression had reached a new low. I was lonely and embarrassed and fed up with the life I had been living. I quit my job in an act of desperation hoping it would convince me to take school seriously. I managed to pass 2 classes that semester, a new record for me. In my weed haze I forgot to sign up for classes for the next semester so when the deadline to sign up rolled around I was screwed. No job and no classes for the next semester. I began to use drugs very heavily in this time period. I would stay up all night until the sun rose and then sleep all day until nighttime. I would eat maybe once a day, and the rest of the time I was hiding in my room using pot and kratom and just escaping from my reality.
This was obviously unsustainable and eventually I reached the breaking point. I realized what a mess my life had become and resolved to stop using drugs. I was incredibly depressed and my thinking was extremely confused. I quit everything cold turkey and made the horrible decision to stop taking my antidepressants since I felt like they werent helping me at all. I lasted about 3 weeks of feeling okay until all hell broke loose. I had an absolute mental breakdown. I went back on my antidepressants and my withdrawal from that stopped but by then my journey into drug withdrawal had just begun. I had extreme depression, anxiety, derealization and depersonalization, nausea. Too many symptoms to list. I would wake up every morning with a panic attack. I was convinced that nothing was real and that I was losing my mind. My doctor tried me on different antidepressants but they always just made things worse so I left it alone. The next few months passed in a fog. I eventually ended up in an inpatient mental hospital where they put me on a drug to help me sleep and eat since by that point I had lost 40 pounds and was barely eating. The hospital was absolutely horrible and I lied about how I was feeling so that they would let me go home. By this point I had moved back home with my mother since I was incapable of working or taking care of myself. I was convinced that I was losing my mind and that things would never be the same again. I yearned for death every day. The next few months passed in a dream.I spent my days playing video games or watching movies trying to distract myself from what was happening to me. I saw my friends occasionally but I always felt like I was losing my mind so it was extremely painful for me to be around them.

I began to feel better though. Slowly but surely I crawled my way out of that hell. It has been 7 months since I smoked weed or drank alcohol. I have also begun to wean myself off of my antidepressants very slowly. This past month is when I have really started to have some good days. My depression is maybe 50% of what it was 3 or 4 months ago. My derealization is maybe 20% of what it was. I still have awful anxiety every day but I have learned to cope with it better. I do have waves where to depression hits me hard and the suicidal thoughts start up again. Sometimes the derealization hits me and I feel dizzy and weak. Overall though looking back at where I was a few months ago, things are definitely better. Its hard to see it sometimes but things have slowly improved. I now feel okay enough that I think I can start to look for a job. I have begun planning my future again somewhat. I still feel emotionally crippled and stunted. I feel like a teenager who has woken up in a mans body all of the sudden. Its all very overwhelming but I am looking forward to continued improvements in the future. My only issues now are that I fear falling back into that hole every day. Thank you for letting me vent on here, I hope it wasn't too long. I couldn't figure out how to make paragraphs either so sorry about that :P Can anybody relate to this horrible experience that I have had?? I have read a few posts but I haven't found a story that seems as bad as mine.
skookum
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#1

Postby Haabefuld » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:47 pm

Hi Skookum and welcome to the forum.
It sounds like you've been through a lot and you are doing really great now. Most people in the forum can easily relate to your story, and it's always ok to vent in here. We are all here for each other to listen and give advice and just for support.
So glad that you've found us. You are not alone and no reason to be embarrassed about your situation.
If you are afraid of relapsing think about how far you have come in your journey to recover, and ask yourself if you really want to do this all over again. And if you accidentally relapse anyway know that almost all of us have tried that too. Not everything is lost if you do, you just have to get back on the horse.

Best wishes from Haabefuld
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#2

Postby skookum » Sat Feb 10, 2018 2:57 am

Haabefuld wrote:Hi Skookum and welcome to the forum.
It sounds like you've been through a lot and you are doing really great now. Most people in the forum can easily relate to your story, and it's always ok to vent in here. We are all here for each other to listen and give advice and just for support.
So glad that you've found us. You are not alone and no reason to be embarrassed about your situation.
If you are afraid of relapsing think about how far you have come in your journey to recover, and ask yourself if you really want to do this all over again. And if you accidentally relapse anyway know that almost all of us have tried that too. Not everything is lost if you do, you just have to get back on the horse.

Best wishes from Haabefuld


Hey Haabefuld, thank you for the kind welcome. I'm glad that I have found this place full of people that can relate to me. I don't feel as alone as I did before, that's for sure. I am not afraid of relapsing in the slightest, weed was giving me horrible anxiety and depression towards the end there and I can't imagine making things worse for myself. I have no cravings at all since I know it would just make things worse. The only thing I am afraid of is sliding backwards in my recovery and feeling worse. I feel better than I did a few months ago but I am still pretty debilitated by the depression and derealization. I just wish I could know if what I was experiencing was withdrawal or if I am just really like this now. Unfortunately there isn't anything I can do about it now but give it time and just hope and pray that I start to feel better soon. Does anybody have any insight into this?? Sometimes I feel like I have brain damage or something.
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#3

Postby cleanofgreen » Sun Feb 11, 2018 2:47 pm

Good summary of old posts by biggiesize on brain recovering over 8 months might be worth a read.
http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=80881&p=740732#p740732
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#4

Postby cleanofgreen » Sun Feb 11, 2018 3:00 pm

Have to add here as forum won't allow me to edit previous post.

Since your still in the process of weening yourself off the antidepressants it might take a little longer but as you say there is no denying that you are getting better little by little. I know from my own experience that at this stage you feel as though it not working fast enough and you tend to not realize how far you have come from the mess you were before you quit.

You probably can't see it but I bet others close to you who are not addicts can see a huge change for the better. Just hang in there for a little while longer as your just starting to create the momentum of healing which will get faster every day you stay clean.
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#5

Postby reckoning » Sun Feb 11, 2018 6:25 pm

Hey Skookum,

Congrats on 7 months, no easy feat for a young person. There is a lot of pressure out there to do as others your age are doing. I have sons of my own too who have struggled, are struggling with "self-medication" and it can be such a big trap.

I get really excited when I read a young persons post o here and here you are only 25 and striving for a weed free existence and achieving it. That's really inspiring . Keep going and keep posting I will very interested in following your great achievements.

I've had multiply times of sliding back into that hole. This time around though I am seeing this quit as my ticket to freedom, rather than a hole I can fall back into. I am in my sixties and yes it can go on for that long. It's such an achievement that at 25 you are on a path of seeing how your life will unfold without that smoke screen.
cheers
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#6

Postby skookum » Sun Feb 11, 2018 9:59 pm

cleanofgreen wrote:Have to add here as forum won't allow me to edit previous post.

Since your still in the process of weening yourself off the antidepressants it might take a little longer but as you say there is no denying that you are getting better little by little. I know from my own experience that at this stage you feel as though it not working fast enough and you tend to not realize how far you have come from the mess you were before you quit.

You probably can't see it but I bet others close to you who are not addicts can see a huge change for the better. Just hang in there for a little while longer as your just starting to create the momentum of healing which will get faster every day you stay clean.


Hey there cleanofgreen. Thank you so much for posting. I am getting better little by little. When I originally posted this topic I had been feeling better for a few days. The past couple of days I feel like I have fallen down again and I can't even remember what I felt like when it was better. I convince myself that it was all in my head and I never actually felt better in the first place. Its maddening. I will read through the topic you posted, hopefully it will provide some reassurance for me.
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#7

Postby skookum » Sun Feb 11, 2018 10:02 pm

reckoning wrote:Hey Skookum,

Congrats on 7 months, no easy feat for a young person. There is a lot of pressure out there to do as others your age are doing. I have sons of my own too who have struggled, are struggling with "self-medication" and it can be such a big trap.

I get really excited when I read a young persons post o here and here you are only 25 and striving for a weed free existence and achieving it. That's really inspiring . Keep going and keep posting I will very interested in following your great achievements.

I've had multiply times of sliding back into that hole. This time around though I am seeing this quit as my ticket to freedom, rather than a hole I can fall back into. I am in my sixties and yes it can go on for that long. It's such an achievement that at 25 you are on a path of seeing how your life will unfold without that smoke screen.
cheers


Thank you very much! The pressure I feel to be doing better is extremely difficult. All I wish is to be happy and healthy. Unfortunately I feel very far away from that. I have been so depressed and sick for so long that I can't even imagine what it must feel like to be happy. I hope and pray that things get better for me.
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#8

Postby reckoning » Sun Feb 18, 2018 11:52 am

Hi Skookum,

How are you going out there? How's the battle going?

I am trying to change my language around stuff . Quitting weed is now 'my ticket to freedom'. That Freedom Pass has 48 days invested in it now.

I know it's hard when the feelings persist and I know that it takes a long time. You have youth on your side. Keep going.
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#9

Postby skookum » Mon Feb 19, 2018 9:45 pm

reckoning wrote:Hi Skookum,

How are you going out there? How's the battle going?

I am trying to change my language around stuff . Quitting weed is now 'my ticket to freedom'. That Freedom Pass has 48 days invested in it now.

I know it's hard when the feelings persist and I know that it takes a long time. You have youth on your side. Keep going.


Hey reckoning! I am actually doing very well. My DP/DR has almost completely gone away over the past week or so. Its a really amazing feeling, and I actually feel like a human again for the first time in a long time. It still hangs around sometimes, but it always lifts off of me. Thank you for your kind words, I will keep going :) you do the same
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#10

Postby reckoning » Wed Feb 28, 2018 8:53 am

skookum wrote:Hey reckoning! I am actually doing very well. My DP/DR has almost completely gone away over the past week or so. Its a really amazing feeling, and I actually feel like a human again for the first time in a long time. It still hangs around sometimes, but it always lifts off of me. Thank you for your kind words, I will keep going you do the same


Hi Skookum,

Fantastic work, how good is it when those feelings take a hike and leave you feeling human again ? I am going good at 60 days now. Quit my job yesterday , no knee jerk reaction either , but a considered action which supports the path I am on. And lo and behold I got offered a bit of work today. I am so pleased to be on my weed free path. Things are definitely changing for me the longer I keep going. Keep reading too, whenever those feelings come back, come back here to this forum and read and know you are not alone. cheers
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