My quit Journal

#60

Postby natmar89 » Sun Apr 01, 2018 7:36 pm

Coldturkey2018 wrote:You’re DR how would you describe it like how it feels ? I’m curious


What is DR?
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#61

Postby natmar89 » Sun Apr 01, 2018 7:39 pm

Coldturkey2018 wrote:The phlegm in my throat all the time and just the feeling of not being 100% well being is the worst part for me it sucks so bad I always think something is wrong with me due to my anxiety



The phlegm is actually your lungs's ways of detoxing all the tar from the years of smoking. So although it is unpleasant, it is actually beneficial in the long run. Think of it as if you blow your nose when you have a cold or chest congestion. That the body ridding itself of the bacteria from the virus or in this case the toxins from smoking.
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#62

Postby Coldturkey2018 » Sun Apr 01, 2018 9:45 pm

natmar89 wrote:
Coldturkey2018 wrote:You’re DR how would you describe it like how it feels ? I’m curious


What is DR?
I think it means like a distorted reality in that kind of sense
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#63

Postby exstonerinhell » Tue Apr 10, 2018 2:46 am

Still going strong, still hanging in there. Not much to report.
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#64

Postby exstonerinhell » Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:02 am

A couple weeks past 4 months into my quit (around there). This is still hard, impossibly hard at times but I'm still here so will keep making it. Had a good 3-5 day stretch of feeling alright, able to watch some movies and tv and enjoy myself doing other things as well. Went out to dinner with my Dad and also had a good time then. Within the past couple of days everything has come crashing down again, not to the severity it has been, but still pretty rough.

Anxiety isn't so bad anymore, though I do tend to have some every morning when I get up. The depression is what's really trying to finish me off though. It's hard to keep hope alive in the depths of it but I'm doing what I can. Will keep rolling, and will make it to the other side of this. One day at a time.

Going to get some frozen yogurt for my Mom, do something nice for her.
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#65

Postby exstonerinhell » Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:07 am

Symptoms since quitting and where I'm at now
Sweating hands and feet - This has lessened considerably.
Foul smelling gas all the time - This too, though I still have some GI issues.
Get 'flu-like' chills (super fun with the sweating hands and feet) - Haven't had this is a while, thankfully.
Anxiety (insane anxiety that I've never experienced) - This has lessened.
Depression (same) - This is still pretty bad.
Emotionless / Emotional (sometimes I feel nothing, other times I just can't stop crying) - This has improved ever so slowly.
Ringing in my ears - Still getting this from time to time.
Heart palps - Still getting these, not as horribly.
DP/DR (constant) - Still going strong with the DR, DP has faded to nothingness.
Anhedonia (take no pleasure in ANYTHING) - This has shown improvement as well, this was/is some of the worst of it.
No motivation - Work in progress.
Restlessness (that's a fun one, because I always want to be doing something, but have no motivation to do anything) - This has pretty much cleared up at this point.
Can't relate to people, feel like I'm existing in the world through a fog. - Still have this, not as bad though, can relate to people much better, am able to wear my 'mask' more comfortably when I can't.
Insane dreams (sometimes super vivid and they stick with me all day, sometimes not so bad) - Still getting whacky dreams, sometimes they still stick to me, other days not so much. Had a night where I didn't have any dreams at all that I remember.
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#66

Postby exstonerinhell » Thu Apr 19, 2018 4:36 am

Girlfriend left me. Drag.
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#67

Postby natmar89 » Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:33 pm

That f***ing sucks exstonerinhell. I think I already know the answer to this question, but how you holding up? -natmar89
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#68

Postby exstonerinhell » Thu Apr 19, 2018 11:51 pm

Thanks, Natmar89, for checking up on me. Surprisingly not all that horrible, things have been super duper rough lately so I'm not all that devastated by it. Just trying to do what I can to get back to me, and then will sort out all the other stuff. Self-esteem took a hit, but I'm hanging in there.
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#69

Postby exstonerinhell » Sat Apr 21, 2018 6:36 am

First 4/20 I've gone through without smoking, in I don't even know how long, has come and gone. I hope to feel a whole lot better next year at this time then I do now.
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#70

Postby exstonerinhell » Mon Apr 23, 2018 1:39 am

Went to my first MA meeting tonight. It was helpful, I shared some and it was nice to have people around. Not that all of you aren't great, but having some people for some face-to-face time was good for me. Hope to keep going every week, they hold meetings twice a week and I may even try that for a while.

I know I said I'd only update when I had good things to say, but I have to get some of this off my chest. This black, black cloud of depression isn't lifting, in fact I'd say it's getting worse. It's impossible, every day is like groundhogs day. I wake up, and am instantly hit by the worst sadness and hopelessness imaginable. It lasts a good 3-5 hours and then I get a little relief from it. I still feel depressed but not completely hopeless. I mean it physically hurts at the worst of it, every day.

I know I did this to myself, and I want to believe that it'll be worth it in the long run but in the depths of my hell I just don't see this ever getting better. I feel like I'm stuck where I'm at, and will always be here. I'm trying not to turn it into some self fulfilling prophecy, but this bleak and horrible depression is going to kill me if I don't find some relief from it. Going to talk to my shrink on Tuesday morning. I know a lot of people here are against antidepressants, using drugs to recover from a drug addiction but I just can't do this anymore, I can't... not without some help. I just hope to God I can find some. It's somewhat selfish in that I don't want to feel this way, but it's also for my family too, I can't be this person for some indeterminate amount of time while I hope I'll heal. I accept that I won't be who I was ever again, but I can't accept the new me is this hopelessly sad man.

Still taking it one minute, one hour, one day at a time...
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#71

Postby helenadoc » Mon Apr 23, 2018 4:19 pm

If it brings you relief to go see a doctor, then do it. Or a walk in the park, or a chat with your friend. Whatever brings you relief, do it. Cry, scream at the top of your lungs. It may work, it may not. You just have to move forward. Wake up every day no matter how dreadfull you may feel, not matter how weak you feel that you feel your muscles falling from your bones.
I had anxiety that felt like a belt sorounding my skull. I woke up with it everyday and everyday i felt it tighten even more, until it litteraly hurt. I thought that my head is gonna explode and my eyes would pop out, litteraly. And then it started to vanish a little bit every day.

These are the hardest times when you have to be strong and keep going. Seek help and talk to someone, doctor or friend or stranger. Don't isolate yourself.
Keep going!
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#72

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Mon Apr 23, 2018 9:32 pm

Hi..This is my first post ever !! Exstonerinhell reading your posts and your responses are helping me so much. I'm on day 23 of quitting after 24 years of smoking daily! I'm suffering from terrible anxiety and depression went to the doctors today and was prescribed antidepressants but after reading all the possible side effects and other people's opinions on other threads I've decided not to take them (at least for now)..I had no idea that quiting would be like this, it's awful. I take total responsibility for the fact that I have done this to myself because I have abused my brain with this sh** for over half my life. Even writing that makes me want to cry, what the he'll was I thinking, one thing when you are young but I'm in my mid 40's now.
I know you are struggling but I think you a re showing amazing strength and I wish you all the luck in the world. God knows how long this struggle we are both facing will continue but I hope and pray it will pass for us both quickly.
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#73

Postby exstonerinhell » Tue Apr 24, 2018 1:44 am

helenadoc wrote:If it brings you relief to go see a doctor, then do it. Or a walk in the park, or a chat with your friend. Whatever brings you relief, do it. Cry, scream at the top of your lungs. It may work, it may not. You just have to move forward. Wake up every day no matter how dreadfull you may feel, not matter how weak you feel that you feel your muscles falling from your bones.
I had anxiety that felt like a belt sorounding my skull. I woke up with it everyday and everyday i felt it tighten even more, until it litteraly hurt. I thought that my head is gonna explode and my eyes would pop out, litteraly. And then it started to vanish a little bit every day.

These are the hardest times when you have to be strong and keep going. Seek help and talk to someone, doctor or friend or stranger. Don't isolate yourself.
Keep going!


Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, I've been following your posts and hope you pull out of this spiral much sooner than later, Helenadoc. I'll be praying for you.
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#74

Postby exstonerinhell » Tue Apr 24, 2018 1:46 am

Anxious_mary_420 wrote:Hi..This is my first post ever !! Exstonerinhell reading your posts and your responses are helping me so much. I'm on day 23 of quitting after 24 years of smoking daily! I'm suffering from terrible anxiety and depression went to the doctors today and was prescribed antidepressants but after reading all the possible side effects and other people's opinions on other threads I've decided not to take them (at least for now)..I had no idea that quiting would be like this, it's awful. I take total responsibility for the fact that I have done this to myself because I have abused my brain with this sh** for over half my life. Even writing that makes me want to cry, what the he'll was I thinking, one thing when you are young but I'm in my mid 40's now.
I know you are struggling but I think you a re showing amazing strength and I wish you all the luck in the world. God knows how long this struggle we are both facing will continue but I hope and pray it will pass for us both quickly.


Welcome to the forums, Mary! I hope you can find it an invaluable resource in the road ahead. I too have many regrets over all the sh** I put into my brain, buying into the propaganda that weed is harmless. But this will just be a bump in the road of our lives, we'll get through and be able to enjoy the rest of it with a newfound respect for ourselves and life in general. You will get through this.
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