Was it wrong or am I wrong?

Postby SimpleSi1988 » Thu Mar 29, 2018 3:44 pm

Hello,

I need some advice on something that is tearing me to pieces.

I'm a 29 year old guy from the UK and am in a relationship with a 37 year old American woman, it's a long distance relationship but we see each other at least once a year. We're getting married in the summer and are hoping to settle down in the UK where we'll obviously not have to live apart.

My fiancee has a 12 year old daughter and the other night I was talking to my fiancee when her daughter cAmerican behind her wearing some fake glasses. I was incredibly tired and said ah look there she is with her then I stopped myself because the word I was gonna say was sexy and then glasses. I'm incredibly concerned about this because I don't find her daughter sexy and I'm strictly not interested in anything like that with her, mainly because she's a kid but also because I'm her future father in law.

My fiancee has worn glasses like that in the past and we've acted out roleplays when we've been together with her wearing those glasses so I'm not sure if I thought of that or not. Her daughter lifted the glasses onto her nose twice and in the past I've seen some women do that (like the common sexy secretary look who wears glasses), not sure if my partner ever did that, she might have so I'm not sure if that popped into my head. I think her daughter is a very pretty young girl who's very well mannered and on the whole is a lovely kid but I don't think I think she's sexy as such and definitely don't find her sexual lying appealing.

I suffer with pure ocd, anxiety and I get very stressed sometimes so I'm not sure if thosever are making me over think this, I've had plenty of negative thoughts but I know there just thoughts and I have and never will act on them. I love my fiancee and think the world of her daughter, she's a lovely kid but I'm genuinely concerned that I'm some kind of monster who finds kids sexy.

Any comments would be most welcome.

Thanks very much.

Simon
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Mar 29, 2018 4:41 pm

SimpleSi1988 wrote:I suffer with pure ocd, anxiety and I get very stressed sometimes


So you are not ready to be a step father. You are not ready for marriage. You are not ready to live full-time in a relationship where you take care of other people. Currently, you are not healthy enough to be a supportive contributor to a family.

The question, does this 37 year old understand that she will be taking care of you as well as taking care of her 12 year old daughter?

There must also be a financial reality here. It is not without cost to raise a 12 year old. Currently the 37 year old must be working or providing financially for her daughter in some way. Will this continue when she gets to the UK or will it be your responsibility to provide?
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#2

Postby SimpleSi1988 » Thu Mar 29, 2018 5:01 pm

So you are not ready to be a step father. You are not ready for marriage. You are not ready to live full-time in a relationship where you take care of other people. Currently, you are not healthy enough to be a supportive contributor to a family.

I disagree with what you say about not being ready to be a step dad and not being ready for marriage. I'm definitely ready to settle with the woman I love and think a lot of her daughter having spent a lot of time with the both. I again disagree with what you say about me not being healthy enough to be a contributor to the family but also can't understand how. I get stressed sometimes over different things but then everybody has stress in there life. I have pure ocd but that in my opinion shouldn't stop me moving forward in life with a family or without a family.


The question, does this 37 year old understand that she will be taking care of you as well as taking care of her 12 year old daughter?

My fiancee won't be looking after me, I work hard, earn money and am very independent. I clean myself, do laundry myself, have my own car, have good mates and basically live life so I don't honestly understand how she'd be looking after me but rather we'd be looking after her daughter together as a married couple.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Mar 29, 2018 5:09 pm

Great, so then you have just answered your own question.

There is absolutely nothing wrong. You have so many other things going on in life. You work hard, you are independent, you clean yourself, laundry, have a car, good mates and live life. You do all of this in spite of any mental hang ups. You are able to accomplish all of this and have the confidence and don't honestly understand how you will do anything other than look after this 12 year old as a couple.

So, if you don't honestly understand how you being ready for marriage can be called into question....If all of the above is just a simple exercise for you, then clearly your fear of being a monster is equally something that you are more than capable of resolving.
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#4

Postby SimpleSi1988 » Thu Mar 29, 2018 5:22 pm

Thanks for your information, without sounding silly, I think you're an incredibly intelligent man and you as you obviously know have helped me in the past with advice, opinions and help. I think the problem with me is I overthink things badly and worry far too much. I know that I would strictly never touch her daughter or any other child because quite simply "I don't want to", I'm not interested in kids and never will be but I've watched videos regarding negative thoughts and if you think about something and try and ignore it you'll think even more about it.

I don't know if you're saying what you say to agree with me or not but I think what happened was basically down to me not thinking about what I was saying. I call my fiancee Sweetness and sometimes when I'm texting a mate I think about typing Sweetness, naturally I wouldn't but maybe it's just me being on autopilot. I didn't actually mean to put clean myself in that sense, I meant to put it in the sense of cleaning (a house) myself.

I didn't understand fully the last part but I don't want to try and convince myself like I have something to prove because I'm me and me only, I would never harm or touch a child regardless of who that child was.

Do you have any advice for pure ocd and over thinking?

Thanks for your help so far, it honestly means a lot and I do appreciate it.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Mar 29, 2018 6:17 pm

SimpleSi1988 wrote:Do you have any advice for pure ocd and over thinking?


As your user name implies...SIMPLIFY.

This is not only your physical world, but also your mental world. Reduce the number of decisions you need to make each day. Reduce the number of overall goals you have. This can help reduce cognitive fatigue, which can then help you maintain focus on what is actually important. When you get tired, take a nap.

It might sound silly, but eating the same breakfast each day or going to bed at the same time can help. Deleting social media accounts and apps you don't use, or are just entertainment...things that are just distractions. Have a written schedule or "to-do-list" as to focus your thoughts on those issues.
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#6

Postby HumanB » Fri Mar 30, 2018 12:19 am

SimpleSi1988 wrote: I love my fiancee and think the world of her daughter, she's a lovely kid but I'm genuinely concerned that I'm some kind of monster who finds kids sexy.
I don't think that finding a 12yo kid sexy is a monstrous act. Particularly if it is not the 'being 12 years old" that is found sexy, but some coquettish behaviour that she happens to be exhibiting (or you are interpreting as) and happens to be coming from a 12yo rather than an adult, and for which for some reason messed with your filters. What would be 'monstrous' is if you actually indulged in a fantasy of having sexual activity with the girl (not least becuase that is a bad deception against your fiance), or ofcourse if you actually engaged in sexual acitivity with the girl. Have you done that? With any child? If not then stop worrying, be honest with yourself about what you are attracted to and focus on building a great (platonic!) relationship with her.

Have you discussed the age-gap of 37 and 29 with your fiance? Doyou intend on having children?... she's getting on a bit for that and has already had a daughter... does she still want a child with you? You don't think you'll want a child down the line?
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#7

Postby laureat » Fri Mar 30, 2018 3:29 am

you worry because the goals you have

there is too much focus on how to do this*, how to do that* in the future

you have to trust oneself, you will do good, and you dont need to think about all that now
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#8

Postby SimpleSi1988 » Mon Apr 02, 2018 4:05 pm

Hello,

Sorry for the delayed reply guys, been a busy weekend.

I definitely agree with you Richard, I overuse Facebook and even though I don't use it as much as I use to, I still overuse it. I think Facebook is a fantastic thing to stay in touch with people and to let good friends know how you doing without the need to text all your friends but I think I'll try and cut down on using it. I like to relax and I meditate sometimes before bed, drink camomile tea and train 3 times a week.

Thanks Humans, I agree and some children are beautifully pretty but there's a fine line between a child being beautifully pretty where you hold the view of "my what a beautifully pretty child, you're gonna grow up to be a stunner" to finding the actual "child" sexy and more worrying sexual lying appealing. I also agree with what you say about having any kind of sexual activity with a child, I've never had any kind of sexual activity with a child, the youngest age for me was 19 years old, I was 22 at the time. It is pretty disturbing when you read about guys who are adults chatting with kids and when I say kids I mean kids who are 12 years old give or take then arranging to meet up with them in the hope of having sexual activity. I actually mentioned it to my partner and she said don't worry at all and her mother sometimes calls her sexy but she doesn't mean it in a sexual way, I guess it's just my pure ocd and the not so nice intrusive thoughts that come with it :(

I have a great relationship with her, she's a lovely kid and I would never be interested in having any kind of sexual relationship with her, god no. I've given her cuddles, one was when I was leaving my partner and her obviously to return to the UK and I was devastated as I think a lot of her and love my fiancee so much.

We've discussed having a child together but unfortunately she's had her tubes burnt so it would have to be I'VE or me using my sperm and employing a surrogate mother. I love my fiancee to pieces and would love to be a dad one day, she understands and knows we might have to use the surrogate route, hopefully not though.

Thanks Laureat, I guess I worry too much about things but I try not to.
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