I Enjoy Hurting People/Animals

Postby Melancholia » Sat Apr 14, 2018 9:32 am

Hi there,

Ever since I was younger I used to bully people and animals. I had two dogs, both adorable and fluffy, but for some reason I always enjoyed hurting them. They would yelp, squirm and try to run away but I wouldn't stop. When my parents caught me at eight years old trapping one of them with chairs and scaring the living-daylights out of him they told me off. But I kept doing it anyway. I was pushy, violent and sometimes would wrap my hands around its neck to teach it a lesson. My parents gave them up when we moved countries but when I went back to visit, they were scared shitless. They wouldn't go near me and that's when I realized what I had done.

Not only my dogs, but insects too. Between the ages of 7 and 13 I would enjoy catching lizards, skinks, cockroaches, beetles, birds and anything I could get my hands on. But not only would I catch them, but I would trap them. Sometimes I would keep them in a box to see how long it would take for it to suffocate or die of starvation. Sometimes I would kill it and open it up to see what was inside. Opening it alive was just too difficult since I kept breaking its legs and it wouldn't stop squirming. Other times I would just smash them into a little pulp until it was just a messy splatter on the ground.

Now with people. I was such a bully. I would manipulate people to do what I wanted, guilt trip and make fun. I was so horrible. In year six (I was around 13 - 14) there was this new girl in the class. She didn't speak English very well and was a lovely person, but for some reason, she was just annoying. So I would exclude her, make up lies as to why we shouldn't be friends with her, tell her that she was worthless. I kept hurting her. And although these things may seem trivial to us now, back then, when we were pre-pubescent children, it meant the world. She was alone, with no friends. She wasn't doing well academically either. So when it got all too much she left. She just up and left, didn't even bother emptying out her locker.

Even before that. I had a friend called Maddy. She was awesome, the best. But once she pushed me too far and I slapped her. She told on me but I didn't care. But I slapped her again. She told on me again. But I did it AGAIN. And common sense would say that when you get in trouble for doing something, you'd ought to stop to prevent getting into trouble again. But I didn't care.

I've never cared about the consequences and usually ended up doing the exact same thing again. Because I liked it. I liked the feeling of power. And I still do. You see, I think I'm egotistic, a little arrogant, and sometimes cruel. So when I looked up if it was normal to feel these things like enjoying hurting others to get my way, hurting animals, coercing people to do my bidding, I saw things that were confusing.

Anyone on here want to help me explain why I feel like this?

I'm not a bad person, I swear. I just sometimes get a little out of hand. I have good grades, I'm kind to my friends. Extremely loyal to those who are loyal back. But every now and then I slip up and end up hurting someone.

My psychaitrist says I'm depressed. But I'm not. I just have a very dark sense of humour and get low sometimes. I've seen over four counsellors over the past few years and NONE understand. But I haven't spoken to them about my urges to hurt people and animals. Maybe I should. (I also hate babies)
Melancholia
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#1

Postby Translucent » Sat Apr 14, 2018 8:14 pm

Do you feel lonely? A lust for power is usually an underlying symptom of extreme loneliness. Perhaps no one listens to you or cares about you or gives you attention unless you act that way. What you've done to those poor kids was not cool, from the sound of it you only pick on the vulnerable or weak, which is cowardly. This kind of behaviour is somewhat tolerated when you're young but you will be faced with serious problems when your cuteness wears off. Reality will hit you like a brick, and no one will be able to come to your rescue. I've seen it again and again in egotistical people.
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#2

Postby GreenAlien » Sun Apr 15, 2018 11:51 pm

This is what I read:
But I didn't care.
I've never cared about the consequences [...] Because I liked it. I liked the feeling of power.
So when I looked up if it was normal to feel these things [...] I saw things that were confusing.
Then I wonder:
... Ok, things are confusing ... but i guess you don't really care.
And then you ask
"Anyone on here want to help me explain why I feel like this?"
You answered that when you said:
"Because I liked it. I liked the feeling of power."

You clearly do understand that you make animals, people suffer for your own pleasure.
You seem ok continuing the way you are as you don't ask to change.
As you answered your question yourself I can only ask you to consider the person and animal suffering.
You must be old enough to be able to control your behaviour as in your other mail "I'm not depressed." you say you're working.
and btw I don't think you're depressed and i was wondering if SAD is the right word to describe the frustrating feelings.
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#3

Postby Melancholia » Mon Apr 16, 2018 10:16 am

Based on what the comments above have said, I think you guys are right.

Since I was working over the school holidays it wasn't that big of a deal with losing my job, but my parents were very disappointed. That stopped me for a while.

Perhaps I am cowardly or lonely, but I have apologized to the girls I had hurt, and I know that doesn't make up for what I have done.
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