But I'm NOT Depressed

Postby Melancholia » Sat Apr 14, 2018 9:52 am

My psychiatrist and my parents say that I'm depressed. I don't think I am.

Now maybe my idea of depression is different, but being depressed is when you are sad for a very long time and nothing can make you happy anymore. You see, I am always happy. But whenever I get sad, I get REALLY REALLY sad. And when this happens, nothing else matters and I just feel so goddamn tired. It's as if I'm not really there anymore and I'm just a user sitting behind a screen and watching life unfold in front of me.

It's strange and I can't really explain it properly so I'm most likely not making any sense. But when these waves of unwanted sadness is causing disruption in my life. I either get so angry I could kill someone, or I get so sad I could kill myself. One time I got so angry that I almost smashed my Chinese teacher's head in with a rock when I was twelve. Another time I was so angry at my dog I kicked and hit it until it yelped and ran away when I was nine.

When I got sad once, I almost tried to kill myself. I didn't turn up at work that day and walked for around 4kilometers, up and down windy hills. I didn't understand, I was running and then I was crawling and then somehow I ended up lying in a park just a few blocks away from the highway. I had pills with me. 60 of them and was going to take them all. Until I looked around and reckoned falling from a building would have the least chance of survival, so that was a better option. But I didn't because my parents were going nuts, my friends were talking to me and trying to get me to stop. I don't even remember posting anything online and when I asked the one person to show me what I posted, she wouldn't even look at me. She doesn't even say hi to me anymore and just ignores me. I don't understand.

But I'm not depressed. I'm not. It's these frustrating feelings that swarm up uninvited randomly that drives me to do irrational things. Say horrible things to people, and when I hurt others I enjoy it.

I don't understand any of it.
Melancholia
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Postby Livetowin » Mon Apr 16, 2018 2:15 pm

Sounds like you have issues from your past you have not resolved, which you cover by insisting you are happy. When "being" happy no longer suffices, these raw emotions lash out because they have not been addressed. Sometimes we have things that happen to us during our formative years when our emotional instincts are being developed that create underlying mood swings. I would sit down and examine what events have transpired in your life that might have been traumatic but have not been reasoned out.

Instinctive emotions are more primal than conscious because they were created during our youth when our internal signals are being created to react to certain stimuli. It's the building blocks of your emotional makeup so it's not a matter of choice. You have to get into the most specific details of your early life and examine anything that might have been traumatic for you. Only then can you usher up those emotions on queue and thus start to deal with them directly on the conscious level.
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