will the pain ever stop?

Postby Lilmissanxious » Sun Apr 15, 2018 3:56 pm

Hi,
ill say abit about my background first so maybe it makes abit more sense.

When i was younger i was shy and grew up with people avoiding me and treating me badly even my so-called friends. Thinking back to them times is horrible still and im confused why i was treat like i was. I was worried people wouldn't like me. Eventually i came out of my shell but ended up a people pleaser for most of my life. My brother committed arson when i was younger and went to jail twice. Once for setting a church on fire because he didnt want to do something and the second time for setting my dads house alight. He was bullied badly at school previously.This was a difficult time as people at school found out he was my brother. He was later diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Hes medicated now and hasnt been in jail after that. Although has punched my mum a couple of times so i dont really talk to him. My sister i get along fine with and still see her now.

I grew up eventually and had a child me and his dad split up 11 years ago and he maintains contact with our son and is a brilliant dad to him.

My mum started going downhill about 7 years ago when my grandparents died. I was devastated as they where like a mum and dad to me and my sister and brother as my mum suffered panic attacks throughout my childhood and we spend alot of time with them. My dad was around every now and again to take us out. My parents split up when i was 4. I remember my mum having a breakdown and the police being around so we stayed with my grandparents for abit. I helped my mum through her anxiety and panic attacks when i was young byt going places with her...Anyway after my grandparents died and i moved into a house of my own again with my son, even against my mums protests. My mum started saying she couldnt breathe which was strange and setting fires and stealing stuff and was admitted to a mental health care home. She has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia too. She doesnt call or sent cards or bother with me really. I do visit and call but dont get much back from her which is upsetting. The home is quite far away as i dont drive and as shes ran out of money she got from the sale of her house they may have to move her further away which is hard and worrying. My uncle my mums brother was executor of my grandparents will when they died and didnt give my mum any money i think that sent over the edge too. She did take him to court and got some of it but its gone on care home fees now too.

My worry is that ive always worried about people liking me and im constantly worried my son will not want to see me anymore or say he hates me or doesnt love me or that he likes his dad more. Hes 13 now. He seems to be spending more and more time away from me and with his dad which i dont have a problem with as its his dad and they have more in common like xbox, playstation, football and wrestling but i feel like he doesnt like or love me anymore. He doesnt message me as much or anything and often ignores my messages. Things i did that used to make him laugh he now hates and he tells me he hates it when i do it. Im so worried and fee heartbroken. I know its normal but im so upset by it all. im scared he will hate me and not want to see me anymore. i was working and he was at his dads for 4 days as he was off work. He hardly messaged me back. He told me me asking about his day was pointless and he was busy and said the stuff i text him didnt need answering or he couldnt be bothered. i feel like crying. why am i so upset by this im more upset than most people. is my past making me like this?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:23 pm

The pain will stop when you remove the source of your pain.

It seems that your need to have people like you is that source of pain. Focus on that. Work on that. That will remove the pain.
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#2

Postby Lilmissanxious » Sun Apr 15, 2018 6:06 pm

I dont know how to. most of my life ive done it so seem to be stuck. Ive tried but nothing has worked.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 15, 2018 6:38 pm

Lilmissanxious wrote:I dont know how to.


When you don't know how to do something, what do you do?

If it is something than can be outsourced, you hire a contractor. But, for things that can't be outsourced or you don't want to outsource we learn by seeking knowledge, by hiring a coach or trainer and by training.

If you don't know how to bake a cake you find books on baking. If you still can't bake a cake, you find a teacher that can help you learn. This can be a mentor for free, or you hire someone dedicated to that area of expertise.

If I had to guess you have already tried seeking knowledge via reading. If I had to guess to date you have not yet learned how, meaning the next step is to seek professional help. Find a licensed professional, a therapist, a clinician. Avoid "life coaches". As with most things, you get what you pay for.
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#4

Postby Lilmissanxious » Sun Apr 15, 2018 7:24 pm

ive had a few counsellors a couple where cbt counsellors but found this unhelpful.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 15, 2018 7:48 pm

Lilmissanxious wrote:ive had a few counsellors a couple where cbt counsellors but found this unhelpful.


If you don't know how to bake a cake:

-1- you find books on baking.

-2- If you still can't bake a cake, you find a teacher that can help you learn.

What other options do you believe are available?
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#6

Postby Lilmissanxious » Mon Apr 16, 2018 4:30 am

i dont really know. I feel stuck and really down and upset about everything.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Apr 16, 2018 11:55 am

Lilmissanxious wrote:i dont really know. I feel stuck and really down and upset about everything.


Yes. You are stuck, because you are looking for a 3rd option.

There isn't one.

Think about every other thing you have ever learned in life. You either (1) learned it by trial and error, working through the issue on your own, or (2) you enlisted the help of a more knowledgeable other, a mentor, coach, therapist, trainer, or peer that can help.

You never learned how to do anything any other way.

Scam artists make a lot of money selling people 3rd options as they offer up "secret" solutions. Guru's or life coaches profess to be more knowledgeable, but they aren't. You end up wasting money and still not knowing "how to" and it can make it worse.

You say you sought professional and it wasn't helpful. Well...then I guess you are stuck with the pain forever. I guess you just have to live with it. Why? Because there is no 3rd option.

If you want the pain to stop, then you need to stop avoiding and denying the only path you have available. Go find yourself a professional. If you don't like one, get another one, then another, get another.
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#8

Postby KyCoo » Thu Apr 19, 2018 9:11 am

Focus on yourself. Make yourself better. Live for yourself. Make a resolution that in 6 months, you'll be different. More carefree, more focussed.
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