Postpartum Depression?

#15

Postby karin12414 » Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:15 pm

It's not like that... He works very hard... I just can't get sh** right.... I'm sorry.. maybe this is just a waiste of time....

I tried to talk to him about this... And he said I'm just imagining things... Maybe he's right... I tried to keep persuing it and it just made him lose it... He said I need to quit taking everything so personally... I'm being pathetic... Then he said if I wasn't so lousy at f***ing maybe things would be fine....

And then he left.... I don't get it... Why can't I just be the way he wants me to be... It would be so much easier... But I keep messing it up...
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#16

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:18 pm

karin12414 wrote:It's not like that....


Wrong. It is exactly like that. You have 3 options. Choose your path.

-1- Stand up for yourself. Hold your husband to the contract. Renegotiate the contract. This probably will require support from family or therapist. It will require conflict with your husband, given the contract has deteriorated to the point your husband believe it acceptable to tell you to shut your mouth or that you are a lousy f@#k.

-2- End the contract. Again, this probably will require support from family. This is divorce because -1- doesn't work.

-3- Continue allowing your husband to violate the contract, disrespecting you whenever he wishes, you blaming yourself and teaching your child to do the same.
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#17

Postby karin12414 » Sat Apr 21, 2018 8:06 pm

I tried to talk to him and he got angry... I can't leave... We're married.... And he's the father of my child... I can't do it alone.... I'm sorry... I didn't want to waiste anyone's time... But I guess that's all I did... I'm so sorry....
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#18

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Apr 21, 2018 8:42 pm

karin12414 wrote: I can't do it alone.... .


Which is why you reach out to family or therapy, which was pointed out in path #1 or path #2. Neither of those paths are alone.

Only your current path, that of #3 is alone. It is the path you are choosing by default.

When path #3 comes to a dead end...which it eventually and inevitably will, you will be forced down path #1 or #2.
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#19

Postby karin12414 » Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:55 am

...I don't know what to say... I'm sorry...
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#20

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 22, 2018 2:25 am

karin12414 wrote:...I don't know what to say... I'm sorry...


There is no reason to be sorry anymore than at a traffic intersection. Would you apologize to a stop sign? You can turn left, right, or continue down the same path. Your emotions don’t change your options.
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#21

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:47 am

karin12414 wrote:I tried to talk to him about this... And he said I'm just imagining things... Maybe he's right...


Karin, this is called gaslighting, "a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt herself, and ultimately lose her own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth" ~ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... lationship

I tried to keep persuing it and it just made him lose it... He said I need to quit taking everything so personally... I'm being pathetic... Then he said if I wasn't so lousy at f***ing maybe things would be fine....

And then he left.... I don't get it... Why can't I just be the way he wants me to be... It would be so much easier... But I keep messing it up...


This is heartbreaking. You're giving him all the power to define you and your relationship, blaming yourself (just as he does) for everything that goes wrong, including 'making' him lose his temper with you. Can you not see that his temper is his responsibility?

I agree with Richard about the three options you have, and that you're choosing -3- by default because you're clearly not ready to leave. I'm so sorry to see you blaming yourself for your husband's behaviour, and I hope you can find some real-life support to change this destructive dynamic. Reading the link I've posted would help you understand why you're feeling the way you do.
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#22

Postby karin12414 » Sun Apr 22, 2018 11:55 am

It's not all bad.... When things are good with us it's great.. but idk... Maybe I'm just being ridiculous... I hate feeling this way... I'm sorry....
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#23

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 22, 2018 12:20 pm

You've grown accustomed to apologising for everything, a sure sign that your self-image has been eroded. The first step to healing is to examine and fully accept your feelings. They are entirely appropriate.
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#24

Postby karin12414 » Sun Apr 22, 2018 12:40 pm

I just want him to be happy with me.... I don't want to fight anymore.... I'm tired of messing up all the time... I hate feeling like I'm never good enough...

Ive been wanting to cut myself so badly again... But he said if he saw anymore he would beat the sh** out of me... I feel so conflicted and confused... Why am I like this? I just want to be good to him....
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#25

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:06 pm

karin12414 wrote:I just want him to be happy with me....


It's much more important that you be happy with you. Being happy with him is unlikely at this stage. It's he who's given you the idea that you're "messing up all the time" and "never good enough".

Ive been wanting to cut myself so badly again... But he said if he saw anymore he would beat the sh** out of me...


Do you mean this literally? Has he hit you before?

I feel so conflicted and confused... Why am I like this?


Conflicted and confused are symptoms that you're being gaslighted. He keeps telling you black is white, and I guess you haven't got any close friends who would notice the change in you and question your perceptions. You've also been presented with the facts here: that your marriage isn't as great as you'd like it to be and have pretended it is. Richard expressed it succinctly in his 'three paths' post: ultimately you will either have to stand up for yourself or separate, for your own mental health.

I understand how hard that must be when there's a child involved; that you'll turn yourself inside out to keep your marriage together. Thing is, you can't do that on your own while his lordship is determined to be dissatisfied with everything you do.
I hope you'll explore -1-: standing up for yourself, because you're exhausting yourself trying "to be good to him" while he keeps telling you you're a failure. Reading between the lines, it seems he was unprepared for a baby who would immediately take your focus off him.

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter, who will be forming her ideas of marriage and parenthood from you and your husband long before she gets healthier input from elsewhere.
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#26

Postby karin12414 » Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:27 pm

He hasn't hit me since our daughter was born.... He just threatens it when I'm doing bad sh**... I got badly addicted to meth and cutting to feel good when we broke up after high school...but he saved my life... I was aweful... But he gave me another chance...
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#27

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:30 pm

Right
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#28

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:30 pm

I don't see you either leaving or standing up for yourself anytime soon. Option -3- it is, then.

When path #3 comes to a dead end...which it eventually and inevitably will, you will be forced down path #1 or #2.
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#29

Postby karin12414 » Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:35 pm

God dammit I'm sorry... I shouldn't have tried this.... Please forgive me for waisting your time... I won't bother you anymore....
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