How can you have self esteem?

Postby Guess what? » Fri May 25, 2018 10:00 pm

How, if the girls you want don't want you?
How, if for everybody your love is worthless?
How if your "friends" don't even look for you?
How, if stranger sometimes, when talk with your friend, act like if you do not even exist. Just how?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 26, 2018 12:00 am

By not defining your self-worth based on what other people think.

Self-esteem is built. Self-esteem is constructed. It is built by setting small goals, such as to do 10 pushups. Once you can do 10 pushups you set a new goal to do 15, then 20, then 30. These goals have nothing to do with what others think. They are all about you and what you want to accomplish in life. It isn't about seeking attention or approval. You don't do pushups and then ask other people what they think about your ability.

Stop living your life for other people.
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#2

Postby Guess what? » Sat May 26, 2018 2:33 pm

Well, in the other hand there are people with goals who are alone as well.
I don't understand what focusing in other things would give me. Plus I think everybody wish to be loved. Why having people that love me can't be a goal?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 26, 2018 2:57 pm

Guess what? wrote: Why having people that love me can't be a goal?


Love is an outcome, not a goal.

Love isn't actionable. You can't force other people to feel a certain way about you. You can't have a goal that is dependent upon what someone else is or is not willing to do or feel.

For instance, you can have the goal to provide another person food, clothing, shelter. These are actionable goals, things you can make happen. How that person feels about you caring for them by providing them food, clothing, shelter is up to them. Most often, those people feel admiration, love, respect, thanks, gratefulness, etc. Most often, people receiving these things don't feel animosity or hate. How those people feel is an outcome of your actions.

So...if you want to be loved, your goals must be actions that people typically find lovable.

As a simple example. Two men buy a woman flowers. That is an actionable goal. The woman loves that one man bought her flowers, but rejects the other man. How unfair! Why should the woman not love them both equally. She must accept them for who they are! That is the stupidity of some life philosophies that promote the idea that acceptance is a must. No...the woman can receive flowers from two men and reject one or both men. There is no law or mandate or heavenly requirement she love these men.

If you want to be loved, set actionable goals that are lovable, do things deserving of love, but never believe another person must love you.
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#4

Postby Guess what? » Sat May 26, 2018 7:18 pm

Yeah, you are right.
Speaking about friendship though... there are a lot of "social experiment" where is shown that man and Woman "love" beauty.
Anyway, there is the risk that i can work hard on this and still have not any outcomes.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Guess what? wrote:
If you want to be loved, set actionable goals that are lovable, do things deserving of love, but never believe another person must love you.


Example?
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 26, 2018 8:15 pm

Examples...

Learn to:

dance
cook
garden
sing/play an instrument
write poetry
stay fit
defend yourself
speak a foreign language
ride a horse
chop wood

I mean...my frickin #!#$ how playing a guitar or knowing how to dance attracts a woman. You ever see women all over the ugly musician? Sure you have.

Shared activities are hot. Being able to cook together, bicycling, roller blading, etc. are all things that help develop strong bonds.

Women are not attracted to boys still living with mom and dad, smoking weed and playing video games.

Note, I'm not saying that you are that type of person. That is the stereotype that women don't find very lovable.

You want to be loved without having to put in any of the effort to develop the qualities that make you lovable, desirable, attractive.
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#6

Postby Guess what? » Sat May 26, 2018 8:40 pm

I like cooking and dancing. I'm approaching and I think I'll go into these two.

Instead, girls are really attracted to who smokes weed. People who pass off weed have girls often. Well, they are most interested in weed and not in the boy. But better than nothing.
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#7

Postby Candid » Sun May 27, 2018 6:36 am

No, it's not better than nothing. If you want a girl who loves you for who you are, stick to that.
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#8

Postby Guess what? » Sun May 27, 2018 11:50 am

Just saying, I don't smoke in general either.
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