Relationship anxiety

Postby WannaSurvive » Thu May 31, 2018 9:58 am

Not sure if this is the right forum, this is more anxiety though.

I’ve been in a good relationship with someone for about 6mo now. We had decided to move in together and I’ve been dealing with these anxiety issues for longer than just this relationship. We’re both in our late 20’s.

It seems like I am always paranoid or suspicious. I always fear her cheating on me, or any partner, and me not finding out or even finding out and being devastated. This has grown to recently even being nervous when she hangs out with friends. She’s very outgoing and when we started dating, she was very defensive and wanted to keep a bit of distance (was recently hurt and wasn’t sure of wanting a relationship) but we grew close and things changed.

She’s been with girls before and I guess it now makes me even nervous when she is around her best friend.

I’ve always had anxiety with relationships. I’m a codependent and also have C-PTSD. My parents experienced mental issues when I was younger and I lived thru a lot of hearing about cheating. Not saying that, that is the cause of this though. It’s like my mind can’t wrap around someone being honest or trustworthy. I try my best to trust her but on occasion bring up things she’s doing that make me doubt her intentions, only to feel after the fact that it was so minor and I shouldn’t have.
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#1

Postby DrPsychFeels » Thu May 31, 2018 9:03 pm

Are you actively in treatment for PTSD? If not, I would say to start there.

If the anxiety around your relationship may be too much to manage at this time, maybe work on your anxiety regarding another area of your life.

Go out, socialize, confront your boss about something---clear out the cobwebs.
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#2

Postby silence81 » Thu Jun 07, 2018 2:02 pm

"I try my best to trust her but on occasion bring up things she’s doing that make me doubt her intentions, only to feel after the fact that it was so minor and I shouldn’t have."

I'm sorry to hear that you're having this difficulty. It sounds like you tend to doubt as a way of protecting yourself from feeling hurt or uncomfortable. What do you think?

If so, what is the feeling you're trying to prevent and protect yourself from?

What would it mean to you if they cheated on you?

What would it say/signify about you in your view?
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#3

Postby WannaSurvive » Fri Jun 08, 2018 7:26 pm

I am always suspicious because I don’t ever want to feel like someone got away with hurting me behind my back, nor give another man the ability to say “I slept with her and he doesn’t even know it”. It’s not targeted at her, just every relationship I’ve had. My parents did that stuff to each other.

It would make me feel like I’m not worthy or like I’m not “man” enough to keep an attractive woman.

I do know that it would speak more volume about her and her character, but that mood seems to leave when I feel my emotions or worry.
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#4

Postby silence81 » Wed Jun 13, 2018 7:40 am

WannaSurvive wrote:I am always suspicious because I don’t ever want to feel like someone got away with hurting me behind my back, nor give another man the ability to say “I slept with her and he doesn’t even know it”. It’s not targeted at her, just every relationship I’ve had. My parents did that stuff to each other.

It would make me feel like I’m not worthy or like I’m not “man” enough to keep an attractive woman.

I do know that it would speak more volume about her and her character, but that mood seems to leave when I feel my emotions or worry.


I see. So you've lived through this/experienced this sort of thing with your parents, and you recognise the impact it has on how you are regarding relationships in the present. I can see why that'd be difficult to deal with.

So your response/reaction to someone cheating on you in secret ("behing my back") is to feel unworthy. And you believe that if someone cheats on you, then that must mean an attractive woman (or attractive women?) won't want to be with you, is that right?

Interesting how you use the word "keep" there: "I'm not "man" enough to keep an attractive woman." I say that's interesting because it sounds like you speak of the woman as a kind of possession that you need to hold on to. If true, it re-emphasises that the woman is very important or valuable to you..that losing a woman would have a big impact on you. And I guess...maybe...(correct me if I'm wrong)...that's because keeping a woman means that you are worthy, and losing a woman means you are unworthy. So it's incredibly important that a woman stays with you.
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