Relapse, remission, repeat

Postby stressHead85 » Thu Jun 07, 2018 4:04 pm

Shadys back, back again...

So I find myself back here again, in recovery, feeling sh1t, wondering why I took up the habit again.

I think I managed to stay clean for about a year the last time I gave up the grass. I honestly can’t remember why I decided it was a good idea to get back into it. This particular relapse lasted about 2 years.

Reading back through my past posts makes me angry, I now remember how crappy I felt going through withdrawal and I’m so mad that I didn’t stick with it.

Its been two months and three days since my last smoke and like last time, I have no desire to have a smoke, but the withdrawal effects are kicking my donkey.

This is by far the worst recovery I’ve been through. The first week or two were pretty standard, headaches, restlessness, night sweats, vivid dreams etc. But all of the standard effects have been and gone, but the ones that remain are extreme tiredness, all day, every day, which is strange considering I sleep 8 hours solid every night and a new one that I’ve never had before, absolute decimation of my libido. That second one is the most troubling and quite honestly, scares the crap out of me as it’s something I’ve never experienced before... and at this point I’m quite an experienced in the withdrawal cycle. :roll:

Overall I just feel exhausted, terrified and angry that I’ve put myself in this position again.

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.
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#1

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Thu Jun 07, 2018 5:51 pm

Stresshead85.no point in being so down on yourself, you messed up, everyone does at some point in life. The important thing is your back on plan and already into your 3rd month. Just keep pushing through, writing here and try to be positive about this now. What's done is past what you do now is what' matters. Stay strong you can do this x
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#2

Postby jage » Fri Jun 08, 2018 3:30 pm

Hello StressHead85.

Don't beat yourself up. I am here too again 2 months now after a 5 year break! Back on for about 3 only a bit at first but then chronic again. ugh. The leaf is seductive, isn't it? I am mad at myself again but that's ok....if we weren't, we'd still be smoking, right? I've quit 3 times. This is my fourth. The first I stayed off for 1 year. The second for 3 years. When I discovered this forum, I managed to stay off 5 whole years! It helps to share and read and post while going through the hard parts but I regret not checking in once in a while to keep me from going back. One day at a time is key. I've added supplements to my routine as well....vitamin B1 for energy, lots of water (rule is 1/2 your weight in ounces per day), vitamin D.... Mentally stimulate yourself with a book, a tv or movie series and exercise. Getting your adrenaline going is a high in itself. The 3rd quit I took up running and then indoor cycling classes with blasting music. (I eventually became an instructor!). It helped my libido and my mental state. Exercise can be very therapeutic if you find the right one!

Try not to dwell on the negatives. Meditate. Focus on what's good now that you quit. Easier said than done, I know. Positive thinking takes effort. It's a muscle we don't often flex when we're deep in it. You know you can do it! Hang in there!!
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#3

Postby stressHead85 » Fri Jun 08, 2018 3:42 pm

Thank for the replies. A little common experience and support definitely go a live g way!

I’m trying not to beat myself up about it, it’s hard though when you know you were on the right track and then you find yourself suffering through the same crap yet again.

I can only hope that this will be the last time I have to struggle through it!

I’m not even sure what was so seductive about it, I think it was just pure boredom and forgetting how much it impacts on your life.

I’m definitely trying to keep busy, I’ve practically been living in the gym since I quit, which is difficult when you have zero energy! Weirdly, after the first couple of sets, I feel fine... at least until the end of my workout.

I do need to fit some cardio work in there somewhere though. I do 6 weight sessions a week, 2 splits of push, pull and legs... but my cardio is non existent. Maybe it’s time to dust off the bike! I had never considered supplements, do they really help?

Was your libido effected also then? This is also my fourth time quitting and it’s the first time I’ve had that particular side effect... and by far the one that bothers me the most! Did it take long to resolve in your case?
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#4

Postby Cali-Detroit » Fri Jun 08, 2018 5:20 pm

Hey Stress, great name.

Yeah fk fking right? I totally get that shyte. Like, zero interest whatsoever. My wife's even suggested me spicing things up with a new lady...yeah, she's progressive like that..lol! My response was, meh, maybe later. You just KNOW things are fkn up when that happens. I mean, c'mon, WTF. But it speaks to the nature of this drug, to it's power.

It may be an age thing as well. I was high for decades and weed really works wonders for performance. Thats what I get for quitting at 40. I should have waited and started smoking now, haha.

For me personally, it gave me almost superhuman abilities. Weed was inextricably linked to my sexual performance and identity. For a man, whatever "issues" you may have in that arena, a little puff or three really sets the fuse alight.

It's a performance enhancer in every way, like Barry Bonds level. I went from hitting 70 home runs a year to basically riding the pine now, hehe.

Excercise helps from what I here, but I've yet to experience that. Cardio, for the blood flow and brain health, two big factors. Of course I just started my program, so maybe in a few weeks I'll feel different.

I'm exactly at 2 months 4 days now and I hear you on the fatigue. I'm sleeping and dreaming, REM and all that, but always tired. I take caffeine pills on occasion, 200mg and they really do work. Energy and mood are improved for sure, but there's a crash sometimes. Just a thought. Hang in there, it gets better. Then worse, then totally shyte, then a little better....ahhh such fun innit?
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#5

Postby jage » Fri Jun 08, 2018 5:53 pm

The supplements help but they are not the cure. It takes time for the libido to take notice and your body takes longer to adjust to such changes when you are over 40. Supplements did help but it was several weeks of building them up in my system before I noticed the change. I am female and over 50 now so that changes things even more. Doesn't help that hubby is still chronic and refuses to quit. I think his libido was killed by weed. It's a real struggle. I'm surprised that the pot didn't have that affect on you. I did notice my interest picked up after a few months of being clean again. I did over do the cycling and had to resign from teaching so that I could make time for strength training. I found myself completely drained at the end of each week with only one day off in between. I was cycling high intensity 6-7 hours a week! Sex was out of the question!! It's important to find balance between cardio and strength especially over 40....you need strength to hold onto muscle as muscle begins to diminish as we age, but cardio is equally important for brain health and mood as well as your blood vessels and heart! Though I lost weight during those years teaching I lost muscle and gained fat because I didn't do much weight training if at all. Since you are already tired, don't go full force just yet....start with 20 minutes and work your way up. If you decide to try cycling classes, do only a couple of days a week at first. They can be pretty intense! I hit a wall often and couldn't figure out why until I reduced the cardio and added in weight training. Energy most definitely improved once I found the balance. Gotta focus on the one day at a time. If you had a healthy libido before, it will come back. It's too soon to judge that right now. Remember that your age is also factoring in this time around. Give yourself a break!
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#6

Postby Cali-Detroit » Fri Jun 08, 2018 6:00 pm

Thank you Jage, yeah all things considered I think I'll be ok in time. I'm definitely committed to the workouts and also balancing the cardio and weights as you suggested. I also think that when I wasn't high, I really had no interest inside sex and almost relied on weed to get things going, especially near the end. I hoping and believing that once the rewiring of the brain starts really setting in, I will see some lasting changes.
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#7

Postby Stevenpearce » Sat Jun 09, 2018 9:06 am

Great post mate, relate to this considering we are similar in ages and been through substained quits before. This Time I am really tired a lot of the time, have been sleeping on the train home which is unusual for me. Thing is though I’m not sure I’m any more awake / energised when I was smoking? Used to wake up every morning feeling whacked but just got on with it knowing there was ‘relief’ at the end of the day which wasn’t relief it was just resetting the tired meter! Libido hasn’t been effected for me but tiredness and poor sleep still cursing me. As I said I’m not sure weed makes a difference to this it’s just I manage to deal with it better?
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#8

Postby stressHead85 » Wed Jun 13, 2018 6:08 pm

What a difference a few days makes!

This time last week I was feeling terrible, over two months in, feeling worse every day and fearing that I’d never feel myself again, or at least not for a long time.

Fast forward to this week, Monday I woke up with bundles of energy, no headache, feeling happy and horny. No idea where that came from, took me completely by surprise! Definitely not complaining though. Tuesday and today weren’t quite as good, but still a far cry from where I was last week.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. It does get better and it really can come from nowhere! Thank. God!

Still a long road ahead, but when you get the odd day of feeling normal, it really reaffirms the decision to quit. That life will go on and you can survive without it.
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