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worrywart
Junior Member
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 40
Fri Dec 02, 2005 4:26 pm
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[quote:e3bd8c64d0="suddengreen"]This is similar to stage fear - 'what do I do with my hands'. It's a visious cycle. The more you try to get out of this habit, the more your mind focusses on it - don't think of the pink elephant. You need to learn to relax with yourself. You are right. You need to work on you self esteem. The more relaxed you are with your image, the less you will worry about samll things like where you are looking all the time
Yes, that is very true Suddengreen.
The main goal is to RELAX and find inner peace. However, it's sooo easy to say....but how to obtain it?? In modern day everyone only thinks about themselves so we should all have a 'I don't give a damn' attitude right? I really should not give a damn about others and what they think of me, because it affects me healthwise and mentally. But it's not easy. |
lage
New Member
Joined: 02 Dec 2005
Posts: 1
Fri Dec 02, 2005 5:55 pm
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Hi,
Sir i have the same problem that you have. I cant look ppl in the eye. Its is a serious problem for me. It stops me from connecting to ppl. I avoid social situations. I think it stems from insecurity or lake of trust in oneself. If you trust yourself you will be able to open yourself to another person, looking in thier eyes and showing them your soul. I really hope you do work on this. I am working on it myself and i know it is so hard but you need to free yourself. I suggest seeking therapy. Taking deep breaths, try to open up your body and then open up your heart and when you look at someone show them who you are no matter how awful you feel be honest with them thats the only way it will get better, dont be afraid. If thier is anyone you do trust more seek them out, a family member or friend. Practice opening up to them. Be honest with yourself and then show your person to the world. Connect with the world, we are all human. We all suffer. I suffer and i know i can change this. I want to be happy and free. |
suddengreen
Full Member
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 225
Mon Dec 05, 2005 10:18 am
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It might also help to look at it from the other person's perspective.
Just an experiment...
If you were to imagine a recent conversation and if you change positions - become the other person if you will, what do you notice when you look at worrywart? Where are you looking?
As for improving self esteem, the following technique migh be able to help you:
http://www.nlpweekly.com/?p=18
All the best to you  |
IWKM
New Member
Joined: 22 Dec 2005
Posts: 1
Location: usa
Thu Dec 22, 2005 8:46 am
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the Indians are BY FAR not the 'most spiritual race in the world'
Yes they are spiritual, and our Western ways follow a system:
"If you don't understand it, kill it, then copy it"
I arrived at this forum by doing a google search "I cant look anyone in the eye"
I am coming to the point where I'll probably kill myself because of it.
But why can't I?
Because I have glaucoma.
Christmas shopping today and yesterday, I felt the magical occurence when I catch someone's attention inadvertently... It's an unconscious feeling, which is normally followed by the eye contact.
But I know from experience that once I make eye contact, after about two seconds, the other person has a reaction to looking at me.
My relationship with you right now is a very common one.
'person a' complains: "I can't do this..."
'person b' responds: "I WISH I had what you have, because I would do that all the time"
Here's my advice to you, and I mean this with more conviction than a moving knife:
If you don't want to look people in the eyes, don't
If you want to, then do it.
But in the case of you want to, and you don't because of your parents (or because of the f*ing INDIANS), a sharp object will come flying at you when you least expect it and will take one of your eyes.
Blinding you forever from the gift of sharing the divine and unique experience of looking at another human being in his or her eyes.
you got me?
You're sitting on the curb saying "I wish I could cross the street, but my parents raised me not to, and the Indians don't do it, so I'm stuck"
wake up, or go to sleep, regardless of what your parents and the indians are doing. |
satanstoystore
MVP
Joined: 10 Sep 2004
Posts: 7637
Location: seattle
Thu Dec 22, 2005 9:39 am
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I like you. I think you have an interesting perspective. |
wantansweres
New Member
Joined: 18 Dec 2005
Posts: 3
Fri Dec 23, 2005 12:34 am
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Maybe your problem deals with your self esteem. I've heard that people that don't make eye contact or drop their heads often have low self esteem. Could this be your problem? What do you really think of yourself? Do you feel like people can see through you? Do you think they can see how you really feel about yourself?
Also, is there something about your eyes that you don't want other people to notice e.g, are they buldging, not the same size, shape etc. What about your physical appearance is there something about your face or eyes that you feel ashamed of? Ask yourself these questions and, I'll bet we will find the root of your problem. I had this same problem. Through self discovery I found the reason I didn't like looking other people in the eyes was because one of my eyeballs protruded slightly. Once I discovered this, I began to look for cosmetic means to improve this problem.
Be honest with yourself because, there is a reason for this type of behaviour.
Good Luck! |
leebuddy
New Member
Joined: 22 Dec 2005
Posts: 13
Fri Dec 23, 2005 5:24 am
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quote:
Originally posted by satanstoystore
I like you. I think you have an interesting perspective.
yeah kudos to IWKM haha  i just think it's crazy that so many people are so disturbed or hurt because you look at their noses, haha BIG DEAL, i mean if you were having a conversation with me and you were looking at my nose the whole time, I just wouldn't care, one because i just wouldn't, and two because i'd not be looking at your eyes the whole time anyway--i make eye contact and hold some people's gaze, and others i'll look off at the floor or ceiling, and they will, too, while we're talking. others will hold my gaze and i won't hold there's, or vice versa. so anyway, i'd look at your eyes off and on, and if you were lookin at my nose, heck i might think to myself "hmm i wonder if i have a pimple on my nose, oh well of course i do, i have acne everywhere, oh well" but that would be it, it certainly wouldn't hurt me or make me feel insecure.
oh and, haha, i almost forgot I've almost had this same problem before. when i read where you wrote something like, "I've always known what a nose is ever since childhood, so why does it stand out to me so much now" or something like that, i totally could relate, because i've had that thought before while talking to someone, and somehow their nose just became really obvious to me for no apparent reason--it was as if i had discovered something new, although noses are as common as dirt. and so i looked at their nose, it was just a pretty average nose, and like i said my attention was fixated on it, but it never evolved into the problem you have. i just kind of haven't thought about it again since. somehow your mind decided to hang on to your new old discovery and cause your eyes always to go there. i'd think the problem lies somewhere more in there-- like why am i so fascinated now by something i've known about for as long as i can remember. |
johncage
Junior Member
Joined: 16 Dec 2005
Posts: 38
Fri Dec 23, 2005 8:08 am
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people don't really care if you look at their nose. they might think it's weird, but not to the degree that you imagine.
if someone was looking at your nose...you probably don't think much of it. |
worrywart
Junior Member
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 40
Fri Dec 23, 2005 11:26 am
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quote:
Originally posted by IWKM
If you don't want to look people in the eyes, don't
If you want to, then do it.
But I want to look at people in the eyes, I just can't though, for some reason I find the nose interfering. Nowadays, I get a headache just by talking to someone because my mind races with so many thoughts "Concentrate on what he/she is saying", then I glance at their ear or eyebrow or hair, by the end of the conversation my eyes are exhausted from trying to focus on elsewhere! But I really appreciate the advice IWKM, because if one really wants something, one can achieve it. I must say my problem is slightly better nowadays, meaning that I'm trying to 'accept' it rather than 'panick' about it, and I just look at people's foreheads or eyebrows instead. Though this is an improvement, I still don;t understand why such an easy thing is so difficult to do.
Wantansweres, it does have to do with a low self-esteem, because I'm very conscious about appearance. This is why I really want to change. If I were completely selfish, I would just say 'Who cares' and continue my pathetic habit, but since I KNOW that by not making eye-contact one appears weak or insecure, that bothers me! I am stronger than that, but unfortunately this problem is almost stronger than me. My eyes are pretty normal by the way. This problem started when I started to notice that other people were very conscious about my eyes looking at them and this is why I get uncomfortable looking at people because I'm aware of how over-sensitive others are. So the problem is: I don't want to hurt others, and I end up doing it. Could it really be just an issue of self-esteem? thank nyou for the reply.
leebuddy and johncage, thank you both for writing that others don't care, but they do. If others did not care, then they would just ignore the habit, right? However, many people tend to rub their noses or give me weird looks because of my weird habit. Many people are extremely insecure or self-conscious so the more that I sense that, the worse my problem gets. This is why the only people I feel comfortable, hence alleviates my problem, are people who are sure of themselves, or simple and not bothered by my problem. These in fact, are my friends. Thing is, not many can 'stand' this problem because it's just so irritating or distracting. I know this sounds insane, but I get nervous when I have to make eye contact with someone who has a big/long nose, because I know that I won't be able to maintain eye contact and eventually hurt the person. Crowds also get me nervous, which makes my problem worse, because I know that everyone will notice and who wants to be considered weird?!? |
worrywart
Junior Member
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 40
Thu Feb 23, 2006 5:32 pm
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So it's been a couple of months, and instead of getting better the problem is worse. The only thing thats better is that I stare at foreheads, eyebrows, lips to avoid nose. The worse thing is I'm starting to not give a damn because I cant change this habit, thus do not even bother trying to change and in fact more people notice and the more I get ostracised. Surely there ar epeople with worse problems? |
satanstoystore
MVP
Joined: 10 Sep 2004
Posts: 7637
Location: seattle
Fri Feb 24, 2006 4:52 am
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ever wonder about fashion? some people have affinities to specific fashions. Like "classy", casual, goth, punk, retro etc. Everyone has different feelings for their particular fashion. It's all kind of complex. It's a bit self-identity, perception, values, beliefs, etc. What one person wears another may feel uncomfortable wearing. Is it just clothing? No. It's an organization of thought. How one arrives at fashion isn't all that different than how they arrive at their own problems. Have I suggested seeing a hypnotherapist? |
Michael Lank
Super Member
Joined: 22 Feb 2004
Posts: 5792
Location: Lewes, UK
Fri Feb 24, 2006 6:59 am
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Hi worrywart,
You say 'I would not feel comfortable expressing my problem in 'real life'', then perhaps you would be best suited to something that you can administer yourself, such as
Chinosis. |
worrywart
Junior Member
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 40
Fri Feb 24, 2006 9:16 am
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Satanstoystore and Michael Lank,
thank you for the suggestions.
hypnotherapy (chinotherapy is a form of that methinks) can have its risk, if I'm not wrong and suppose this problem is defeated, but another problem comes into existence? I have tried self-hypnosis but instead of curing the problem, it only made it more evident and more my 'focus' of attention. As for meditation, I gave up almost after a couple of times because I don;t feel it gets me anywhere. Perhaps I should do it every day and keep it constant? It's just that I've had this problem for what seems forever, and keep on wishing for an over-night solution. I'm worried that the longer this habit continues, the more it will be part of me. I just can't let go of it though I detest it. My questions continue to be 'WHY DID I SUDDENLY BECOME CONSCIOUS OF THE NOSE' and 'Why is it not accepted by others (society) if one focuses on noses instead of eyes???'. These are the two tormenting quessions. If it was considered 'ok', then there would be no need to stress over it or feel suicidal. |
1210donna
Junior Member
Joined: 24 Feb 2006
Posts: 22
Fri Feb 24, 2006 10:00 am
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| you're normal, a minority, but normal. |
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Hi there worrywort,
I'm autistic (with mood, anxiety, compulsive disorders, sensory perceptual and info processing challenges) and lack of eye contact is normal for many people on the autistic spectrum for a variety of reasons.
1) social anxiety/social phobia makes it normal to feel uncomfortable inviting full on 'social invasion' (what others experience as 'sharing'.
2) visual perceptual problems like Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome can make faces seem to swim about so when people are talking its so damned hard to watch their eyes... its like being seasick... much easier to focus on the nose!
3) its difficult for many people on the autistic spectrum to look and listen at the same time especially if what they watch is moving, so watching a nose makes it easier.
4) certain personality traits naturally don't use much eye contact.
Now there's some things you can do
1) love who you are... this is YOUR normality even if it isn't that of your crowd... you're just hanging out with a social majority and you are a social minority, no problem, there's enough of us about, you are not alone
2) watching your feet and glancing up every 20 secs probably will feel more acceptable to these attention-desiring eye gazers!
3) tinted lenses may help... there's an article on my site about these so try some sunglasses first.
4) check out mood and anxiety... glutamine is an anti-anxiety/antidepressant supplement that adults take and this could reduce social anxiety and raise mood enough to WANT to gig into their eyes
5) hypnotherapy may help with phobia challenges but a lot of it is personality and that's about being who you are... you are YOU, they are THEM... just because they are a majority doesn't make them you and doesn't make you 'broken'.
please note, I'm not saying you're autistic, just a social minority.
But you are welcome among us and we won't care if you talk to our noses.
hope that helps.
Warmly,
Donna Williams *)
<Edited by Site Admin to remove weblink> |
worrywart
Junior Member
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 40
Fri Feb 24, 2006 12:02 pm
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Hi Donna,
thank you for your helpful and touching advice. I visisted your website and you are a beautiful,strong person who has been through a lot. Will definitely check out the books. I am annoyed at myself though for being happy when I read 'you are normal, a minority, but normal' because the more I want to accept myself, the more I realize that I shouldn't, because focusing on noses is not normal. My desire is to hear that it's normal and that it's ok, but it's not. It hurts myself and it hurts others. Life is unbearable with such an 'insignificant' yet irrepresible habit.
I relate to allfour things you listed. I do not like being around people and looking at people's eyes makes my eyes strain, almost nauseous. The depressing thing is that I am not just a weird person who is distracted by noses, I have other positive sides too. Yet the only side that can be seen of me is this strange habit. Social events are unbearable because almost everyone notices and starts to do the same (focusing on noses), which is only more distracting and depressing. This habit is almost contagious and naturally no one wants to be around such a lame person. I know it's about being self-confident and proud in your own skin, but when I am, this habit interferes and being ostracized or laughed at makes me realize there is nothing to be self confident about. I am unhappy looking at people's faces but I am also unhappy not looking.
One last rant: life is about people, one cannot avoid others. The great thing about life is being able to communicate/relationships with others and when one can't even make eye contact, there is no point living. Every thing we face daily (buying newspaper or going to the bank) requires eye contact and without being able to do it, no one will take you seriously. These are my thoughs.
thank you again,
worrywart |
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