Should I dump my selfish, cheating Girlfriend?

Should I dump my selfish, cheating Girlfriend?

Dump her now.
8
89%
Don't dump her.
1
11%
Give her an ultimatum, dump her if she doesn't change.
0
No votes
 
Total votes : 9

Postby GuineaPig » Sat Dec 31, 2005 3:18 am

I'm worried that my gf is taking me for granted and that I'm getting a bad deal out of the relationship - I really want to know what other people think because i'm to embarrassed to tell any of my friends the details.

We're 22 & 23 and have been together for four years. I'm really crazy about her, and I think that's the problem - she's realised that even if she makes no effort I will still adore her, so surprise surprise she takes me for granted, and IMO treats me badly.

The main problem is sex. She hardly ever used to be sexual with me, blaming it on her stressful job. Then she quit the job and for a while things were fantastic, with frequent and exciting sex. But now she's just slipped into her old useless habits, and the more I get frustrated and complain the less she sleeps with me - we've only had sex twice in the whole of December. Ideally I would like to be having sex 3 or 4 times a day, but realistically 3 times a week would be fine, is that asking too much? She admits herself that sex with me is great, but she hardly makes any effort to try to be intimate with me, she often pushes my hand away when i try to touch her, and she won't wear sexy lingerie or even be naked with me usually. When we go to bed she just puts her pyjamas on and rolls over, just like a damn kid, like no-one ever told her that when adults go to bed there are other options besides sleeping.

Also, she insists on being allowed to sleep with other men occasionally. She hasn't actually done this yet (I know cos I tap her MSN, email and cellphone messages, oh come on do you blame me!?!) and probably won't do it much or ever cos she hardly has any friends and little social life, but it's the principle that counts. She says I can do the same if I really want to but I don't particularly want to, I want to have sex with her. I'm not happy with her not giving me sex, yet wanting to do it with other people, do you see?

What I think but can't admit is that she just wants to keep me on hold for later, just because I'll be earning a lot of money and she thinks she can have her way all the time, but I want to be her lover not some f***ing d1ckhead to be taken advantage of.

It hurts so bad that she treats me like this, I feel literally exhausted because of the constant effort I make to try and make her happy, not upset her, do and say the right things. I feel like i'm treading on eggshells, the slightest wrong move (such as "why are you in a bad mood with me tonight honey?") can (and does) result in tantrums, shouting and her threatening to dump me. I know it should be me dumping her but I can't bear the thought, once when she dumped/threatened to dump me i couldn't stop crying for half an hour, the first time i've cried for years and years, i just broke, i couldn't stop, and i had no-one I could talk about it with... which is where you guys come in!

I think that the only way to make her realise how rubbish she is being would be to dump her, then she would suddenly miss having me to cuddle her, spoil her, pay for the expensive appartment and bills, and tell her she's beautiful every five minutes and she'd hopefully regret everything. But then it would be too late and we'd be finished, which doesn't help me.

Or does it? I'm so paranoid and so scared about losing her, I don't think I'd ever meet anyone else I was so crazy about, I'd just be alone for years and years and possbly forever, luck has blessed me with brains, money, humour and talent, but unfortunately not confidence when it comes to getting girls, plus I'm not getting any younger and I'm not as handsome as I once was. What should I do? If i try and have an adult conversation with her about sex or her behaviour she puts her hands over her ears and won't take them off till I leave the room. When she's not threatening to dump me she says she loves me, and i believe her but she just doesn't seem to realise that a relationship requires effort from two people.

I've tried so ****ing hard to be the ideal boyfriend, I give give give and she is just take take take. :(
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#1

Postby Mikeflame » Sat Dec 31, 2005 3:33 am

Harsh answer but my first impression would be get rid!!!! You sound like a bloody amazin boyf and there is some girl out there who'll fall head over heels for you and will treat you so much better!! At 22 your still young!! Yeah 4 years in a relationship is a long time but you started as kids! You've grown up and you appear to have grown apart!!

Do you love her as she is now or is it the old her that you love?

Only trouble is if U dont act your gonna turn round in a few years time and think oh my Im older and im still stuck in same situation!!! Its a toss up between tell her exactly what you've written here-even show it to her, write it in a letter anything to get the point across or if youve tried that and falied ( like it sounds you have) I would say bye bye!!

Thats my advice, easier said than done admittedly but a nasty problem!! I feel for ya m8, know exactly how it is feeling like youve put 10000% into a relationship only to get 0.1% back!
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#2

Postby coach » Sat Dec 31, 2005 2:37 pm

I think you need to get some professional help with this from a relationship counsellor.

On the face of it your partner wants an 'open relationship' and you want sex to be something special between the two of you. Again, taking things at face value, your partner doesn't appear to feel the sex she has with you is very special - I don't know that to be the case, I'm just reading the few details you have given and coming to a possibly glib conclusion.

My hunch is that you need to look beneath the surface with this and see whether your mutual understanding of each others needs have got tangled and confused. Could it be that she feels used when you have sex because she feels you are considering it to be a 'right' based on your material input to the relationship? Are there perhaps issues of power and control going on under the surface of this conflict of interest?

It may be that none of the above is relevant and that she is just making the most of what she finds 'useful' in the relationship, however, can you live with that?

It sounds to me as if you are saying NO! ... but that because you feel you have little in the way of alternative options you are staying "trapped" in the relationship?

A good relationship counsellor will be able to help you explore this relationship and see if it is viable in the longer term. If not, then maybe you need some support while you make the emotional journey out of it?

Second guessing how she will feel if/when it ends will get you no where.

You need to be able to communicate with each other in order to sort this relationship out. That means that both of you determine your own needs, what is important in your lives and what it is you want from the other.

At the moment it sounds as if you may be in some covert war of attrition which involves trying to wear each other down so you can get what you want as individuals. Defnitely not a good basis for a healthy relationship.

Hope this helps.

Peter
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#3

Postby milankundera » Tue Jan 03, 2006 6:36 am

if she's that special you could always placate her to keep her happy and then try to develop a more sexually gratifying sideline.
it also sounds as if you could be being a bit too "special" with her?
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#4

Postby Leyla » Tue Jan 03, 2006 3:37 pm

Hi,
I'm no expert on relationships but I felt I really had to reply to you on this one. I know you said your gf says she loves you, but you may want to ask (or not as the case may be) her if she is *in* love with you still. Fine line I know but if she is wanting to look for sex elsewhere then in my opinion, she isn't happy with the sex she is getting. (This is not a negative comment on your bedroom-activities/ability, I'm meaning the psychological aspect of it.) Do you make her feel sexy? & I don't mean by initiating sex of any kind, I mean telling her she looks good (when shes made the effort to get dressed up etc) Do you do nice things for her without expecting a "sex" reward after it?

I also feel I have to pick you up on this point:
I'm not happy with her not giving me sex


"Giving" you sex? You make it sound as if she owes you, like it's her duty. I can tell you from expeience of a past relationship that there is nothing more of a turn off than a guy *expecting* sex & getting annoyed when he doesn't get it. It brings on a feeling of "well I'm glad I didn't now if that's your attitude about it!"
How often do you try to initiate sex? Have you tried leaving it for a while? I know it sounds like a F'd up female thing but if it's less available it's generally wanted more. (Like if you have a room-full of chocolates, chances are after a short length of time you won't want any more chocolate - if you know you have to go out to the shop to get it though you'd probably end up eating more in the longrun.)..but of course that doesn't always work...

I am gong to be blunt about this but I have heard so many women saying the whole "lets sleep with other people" thing as the spark had pretty much gone & so although they are in a comfortable & even loving relationship, they still want that "spark" from somewhere. I've even said it to an ex before myself. She may also just feel too young to only be with one man sexually for the rest of her life but does love you & doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

I do agree that relationship councelling would help. Suggest it to her & see what her reaction is. I'm sure she recognises there is a problem & if she truely loves you & wants to be with you then she should give it a go.

Anyway, sorry if I have sounded blunt through this post but to be honest you sounded too much like my ex for me to ignore it lol
Good luck in what you choose to do.
:)
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#5

Postby Mikeflame » Tue Jan 03, 2006 4:16 pm

God i love the female POV on things!!

One thing Ive learnt about sex is that at first its like your literally punching her in the head to get her off you :P then with time it does get less but its gotta come naturally and not feel forced!! By continually mentioning it and touching her and bringin up the subject ur gonna get it less!!

One thing to do with that problem is tease her!! Make her a lovely romantic meal, tell her how beautiful she looks etc make a real big effort for her, run her a lovely bath giver her a massage, sit and chat to her and thats it! Dont try initiate anything, dont even mention sex!! Try make her realise ur still the guy she first fell in love with and not just the lump of flesh who wants to get jiggy with her!

Give her some room too!! Back off, dont talk/text/whatever as much and you'll see a marked improvement in the way she acts!!

Im no expert but im just sayin thigs that have genuinely worked with me!

All the best m8!
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#6

Postby Leyla » Wed Jan 04, 2006 3:53 pm

Mikeflame wrote:God i love the female POV on things!!


Why??
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#7

Postby Empathy » Wed Jan 04, 2006 7:38 pm

GuineaPig,

If she has cheated on you in the past, and is sorry for it and you both have decided to work things out. Then work things out.

If she continues to cheat and abuse your relationship, you should find someone else as soon as possible.

Your not even married, so if you have to break it off at least you found this out early istead of years down the road.

You will find other women who will treat you good, if you have a strong backbone and learn to be nice but firm in your convictions.
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#8

Postby Mikeflame » Wed Jan 04, 2006 8:57 pm

Leyla wrote:
Mikeflame wrote:God i love the female POV on things!!


Why??


Cos they see things us guys dont pick up on!! Seem to pick up on the really subtle things and its a great help when ur asking for advice :D
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#9

Postby Kamudaki » Wed May 27, 2009 11:14 pm

By the date of your post, I can only hope that any advice I can give will no longer be of use to you, but I'd be very interested in hearing how this was resolved.
Did your relationship improve, did it end, or are you still having the same problems?
And was any of the advice here of any use?
Please let me know.
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#10

Postby wmarti1 » Thu Jun 23, 2011 4:31 am

You know, your situation is about almost as bad as my situation. I think I am a little bit worse. I have been going out with my girlfriend for 18 years. I have practically bought everything in her house to include her car. She is now a senior citizen and getting her master degree. Of course, while she is doing that, she has completely turned off on me. In the beginning, we both needed one another for companionship. She has always been struggling through her career and so my family thinks of me as a sugar daddy. The sex was great in the beginning, but now I am in the same boat as you are, she never fixes herself up, doesn't try to be sexy any more, and instead, she looks like an old bag lady. On the other hand, I have completely redefined my body with the PSX 90 course. I am a member of LA Fitness, I jog, go to the beach and have really shaped up my body and mind. She is stuck in her world doing her secret little things and only coming to me when she is desperate for money. When I bail her out, I get a little sex, a little massage. I feel more like her security dog. She lives with her live in daughter who hates my guts from day one. People ask me why do I keep going to her house. She even asked me that question. But I am much like you, a whimp and an addict for sex and attention. You really need to get the hell out of there. You are going no place and fast. Don't wind up like me a loser, spending all your money and hope on a fantasy. All that you mentioned in your post is an illusion that you have formed between your two ears. You are living a lie. All that you do and lust for, you will never understand that woman. You are too young to be pining away on just one girl. Get out in the world. You are a bee. Taste the nectar. Anybody who is 20ish year old, please forgive me, has no real common sense or wisdom yet. You are just a bundle of nerves, impulses, and risky desires. You are in the exploration phase. You do not want this lousy relationship you are in to mare any future relationships. You certainly do not want to end up being a fool like me. There are so many of us fools that fall to the prey of women. They don't like nice guys. Nice guys are losers. Once you become a puppy dog to them and they got you by a leash, it is all over for you. They will walk you like a prized dog while they go looking for more prey. She sounds like she has just had enough of you anyway and is stringing you along until she can latch on to somebody else she can get her desires met. Not that she is a bad woman and all, I just see you two got what you needed from each other and need to move on. She wants material things and you want sex. You fantasize that she is staying with you because she is so beautiful and can do better, but she hasn't so there must be something she wants from you and you think it could be the sex, but she is not putting out, and you are so confused. Get the hell out man! Stop psychoanalyzing this mess. When you catch a fish on a hook and throw it back into the lake, do you sit there thinking about how you messed up its mouth and gills with the nasty hook and how you should jump in the lake to find that fish and save its life? Please, there are many fish in the sea. There are plenty of women too that have a stronger sexual desire than you. So strong, you may get your feeling hurts. You may need to take a time out buddy. Go get you a dog or cat. Learn to love it and appreciate it. Maybe then you can learn to love women and appreciate them for being a person and not as a sex object. Understand that there are going to be some good ones and some bad ones out there. You are fishing man, and the best catch of the day is not always the first fish you catch!!! :roll: [/b]
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#11

Postby jozzy » Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:52 am

when you love someone its hard to break away,but do it 4 your own sake and stop waisting your life...give your love to someone who deserves it
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#12

Postby 43571985 » Sat Dec 31, 2011 11:08 pm

Leyla wrote:

"Giving" you sex? You make it sound as if she owes you, like it's her duty. I can tell you from expeience of a past relationship that there is nothing more of a turn off than a guy *expecting* sex & getting annoyed when he doesn't get it. It brings on a feeling of "well I'm glad I didn't now if that's your attitude about it!"
How often do you try to initiate sex? Have you tried leaving it for a while? I know it sounds like a F'd up female thing but if it's less available it's generally wanted more. (Like if you have a room-full of chocolates, chances are after a short length of time you won't want any more chocolate - if you know you have to go out to the shop to get it though you'd probably end up eating more in the longrun.)..but of course that doesn't always work...

I am gong to be blunt







EARTH TO PLANET COSMO! Leyla is a clown and this little girl that you're dating is a clown. Please don't take her advice. She's just another selfish little girl who will frame you as the one in the wrong no matter how absurdly awful your girlfriend clearly is.

Stand up for yourself, dump this little creep. Yes, your girlfriend is a creep.

Okay, now I am going to be "blunt" with you, Miss Leyla, because people like you and the OP's girlfriend are a HUGE, LINGERING, RANCID FART of a problem within western society these days...

From reading the original post, the weak willed man in question clearly has a narcissistic, arrogant, selfish, unfaithful, spoiled girlfriend. A bimbo who thinks that men exist only as financial support and sexually disposable. Many feel that men can and should be easily replaced, and that we're "too stupid" to understand their fickle, flakey, and unsupportive selfishness. A woman so typical of our times that his prospects of finding happiness with his current mentality look dismal at best.

One thing that makes me most sick about this thread is that "Leyla," though clearly aware that the man's girlfriend is a complete jerk and waste of any man's time, "Leyla" is acting as though he is being the selfish one in the relationship. I think "leyla" and the original poster's girlfriend have a lot in common: ENTITLEMENT.

My advice to the original poster: Obviously dump her, never speak to her again, let her rot. I, however, do not believe that you are a strong enough man to do this.

My advice to "Leyla": Try dropping the whole "liberated woman of the 90's" selfish, entitled vibe and attempt growing up. Yes, you DO owe your partner sex, man or woman. Yes, you DO owe your partner emotional engagement and satisfaction. Yes, you DO owe you your partner support and RESPECT. These are the things that men owe women yet women don't seem to think that they owe men these days. Contrary to what so many women think, men don't exist simply to indulge the fickle whimseys of selfish, bratty little girls like you and the OP's girlfriend.

"Men have responsibilities and women have freedoms." <-- NEVER let a woman treat you like that. These days they think we owe them our dignity. [/u]
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#13

Postby Candid » Sun Jan 01, 2012 2:26 am

This thread title made me laugh. It would be like if I wrote Should I marry my work-shy, toothless, criminally inclined, asexual, overweight, antisocial, mummy's boy partner? The answer's bloomin obvious, I would have thought. So I've picked out the following:
GuineaPig wrote:I'm really crazy about her, and I think that's the problem - she's realised that even if she makes no effort I will still adore her,
Yes, that is the problem. This isn't really about what a great boyfriend you are... it's more about where's your self-esteem, man? In the toilet, by the sound of things.

I very strongly recommend you do some work on self-esteem before you enter another relationship, otherwise chances are you'll choose another abusive partner.

And as a side note, are any women on the forum falling over themselves to score a date with 43571985? :lol: As of now I'm officially stalking Mikeflame.
tease her!! Make her a lovely romantic meal, tell her how beautiful she looks etc make a real big effort for her, run her a lovely bath giver her a massage, sit and chat to her and thats it! Dont try initiate anything, dont even mention sex!! Try make her realise ur still the guy she first fell in love with and not just the lump of flesh who wants to get jiggy with her!
A little of that treatment would have me gagging for it. As the saying goes.
Candid
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#14

Postby theforsaken » Mon Jan 02, 2012 12:13 pm

f***ing YES!!???

Dude not only should you dump her, you should also probly punch her in the mouth, you know equal treatment for both genders and all that good stuff. lol.

if you want to truely own her heart, rip it from her chest! \m/ lol.

I voted dump her now, didn't even look at the oher options.
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