Well it's afew weeks since I last posted and my OH has shown a little bit more imporvement. Now getting more texts. Progress is so slow that no one else notices, but the txts I have got have been positive, and once he even joked and teased me! Which is more like the old him.
Have to say tho, in between (we have a couple of days of that) then he disappears off the face of the earth again for a few days. Almost like he has over exerted himself and scared himself so needs to retreat.
This is REALLY hard as I never know when it's going to come, but no am learning that he does come back each time. And seems to push a bit further each time he comes back. Last week he initiated the text conversation even.
It is hard to stay positive, VERY hard, and the only way I have found to do it, is to set myself rules.
1) Organise the weekend in advance with things you enjoy and can't back out of with poeple who know your situation
2) Don't send him emotionally wallowey texts if I want him to respond. Keep them light, jokey, and about daily life. (Remind him it goes on).
3) Keep writing the 'emotional wallowey oh my god how am I gonna cope without him one more day' texts and emails but NEVER send them. It just makes him feel bad and retreat back. There will be a time for him to read them later if need be. I'm sure he realises it's no bed of roses deep down.
4) Dont' overwhelm him with texts. Or he may stop again. Just one or two a day. And if he doesn't reply, leave it a day or two then start again. Don't punish him for not replying. Helps no one. Esp you.
5) Every now and then suprise him. Card, letter, bar of chocolate in the post, funny text, ask him out for coffee (even tho you know he wont' come). I found it gives him a jolt which makes him think a bit and maybe, just maybe one day he will eturn the favour. If not, you've lost nothing.
6) Don't count up how many weeks it is since I've seen him. Too depressing!
And time is different I think when you're in depression.
7) Reminisce, read old texts, emails cards etc to remind yourself of the real relationship you had and could have again. It'll keep your love for him alive and stop it turning sour.
Don't engage in conversation with poeple who tell you he's treating you badly and you shoudl therefore dump him. You know he is trting you badly already. So does he. Thats why he feels guilty. Remeber it's not him, it;s the depression. If he truly wanted to end it with you cos he didn't love you, then he would say that. Men don't tend to worry about stringing you along, esp if it makes them feel guilty to do so. It's easier to cut you off.
I don't know if these help anyone. Everybody handles it differently. But now I've worked out what works for me and my OH it's a bit easier to manage.
Of course I still miss him. Every day. But it's less painful. I miss him in a loving way. But not a smothering I've got to solve it for him way.
I htink accpeting it's not gonna change overnight is helpful too. As it makes you realise you have to turn your focus back to your own life.
He will be missing you I can guarentee that. So just keep telling oyurslef that. And don't believe the poeple who say it's time to move on now. They really don't understand depression if they say that.
And anyway, you won't be able to until you are ready, if it ever comes to that. And you will know when if it ever does.
Oh, I got myself a counsellor too. To talk about how I shoudl deal with it all, and understand more about whta he may be going through. We unearthed some of my own issues about insecurity. Was great.
And when I told my OH I had sorted these he responded positively.
He generally responds whenever I tell him about somehting that I have done thats an acheivement for me. He likes to hear about this stuff as it lessens his guilt I think and of course helps him remember what he liked about me.
So go and live your life rosieroo, keep him by your side in your head and pretned he is watching. He woudln't want you to be sad. Seeing oyu happy but missing him, will help him more than seeing you sad and mad with him.
Thats all just my opinion anyway!
It may help some of you.
Keep me posted on how you go, helps me realise that it is not personal between my and my OH, it is a 'Sitiuation' that happens to poeple.