No one likes me

Self esteem - in this over-hyped field it's essential to distinguish fact from fiction.Self confidence - faith in your own abilities is so important in today's high-achieving world.

Postby Tony88 » Sun Feb 12, 2006 11:11 am

Hey everybody, as you might've guessed, I have a really low self-esteem. I can't help feeling that no one likes me, it sounds stupid and it is. I have virtually no friends (I'm 17 btw) and I'm afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life. :cry: I'd like to get friends but the problem is that when I speak with other people I can't think of anything I could say to them and I get tangled up with words. However, when I speak with my mom or someone else I know closely I have no problems.

Because I can't speak with people (and because I always underestimate myself in every aspect: school, social life, the internet) I get the feeling no one likes me and no one wants to be friends with me and ever be with me because I'm such a loser and stupid, not worthy of friends.

It's even affecting my internet life, whenever I post at forums I get sad because no one replies to me, which strengthens my beliefs of inferiority and that no one likes me, no one wants to interact with me. :cry:

I don't know how to boost my self-esteem. I've tried to think of happy thoughts but it just doesn't work. My thoughts always wander to the wrong direction, I just think I'm trying to convince myself I'm not unlikeable. I'm not far from suicide, I've tried to commit it but have failed. A part of me thinks it's the easy way out but another part thinks I should hang on because better times will come sooner or later and that I shouldn't let go of my life yet.

Can anyone tell me what I should do? I'm not that big on going to therapy or meeting a psychologist, I'm too ashamed to tell anyone vis-à-vis about my feelings...

Best regards to everyone,

Tony
Tony88
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 10:50 am

Postby coach » Sun Feb 12, 2006 12:58 pm

A lot of people who do well in relationships tend to project a belief that they are likeable onto others and this helps them to interact in a confident way.

You seem to validate this principle by turning it on its head and proving the converse to be true.

Why not try a different approach and think of your interactions as a way of finding out what people are like? Leave the issue of whether you like them, or they you, until later.

I think you need to check out whether you are depressed - the best way to do this is to check with your doctor.

My advice is to consider some therapeutic help - I suspect that somewhere inside you lies a very judgemental attitude that needs excavating.
coach
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1034
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2005 11:49 pm

Postby coach » Sun Feb 12, 2006 6:32 pm

Hi again

Sorry, my first post was rathered hurried as I was short of time.

How long have you been feeling the way you describe?

Is it something that suddenly came on, or have you always had difficulty in relating to people?

You do seem to be very down on yourself - can you trace your negative attitudes toward yourself to any particular period in your life or perhaps particular individuals?
coach
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1034
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2005 11:49 pm

Postby Tony88 » Tue Feb 14, 2006 2:19 pm

Hi Coach,

I'm not quite sure actually. I guess it just developed through time, I was bullied in the 4th, 5th and 6th grades by these nasty people I really hate to this day. I guess their words affected me in some way. It ended in the 7th grade when I ended up in a different school then they, and my self-esteem was, you could say, fine until I started high school. Then I started to feel a bit out of place. It was a totally new school and the few friends I had in middle school were all in different high schools, so I was all alone. That could be the thing that triggered this, right? For the record, we never were in contact after 9th grade so I think they weren't such good friends after all. I watched how everyone else apart from me made friends with each other, that hurt. Now, as time has passed, I think I've lost some social skills. :|

About being depressed, I don't think I am, at least severely (but I'm no expert on this). I'm afraid that eventually I'll become really depressed and it frightens me so much. I know that I'm not that depressed or anything because I've met this girl who, apparently, was depressed. She was very quiet, and sometimes skipped school. Once I overheard a conversation between her and a teacher. She said she just was too tired to come to school. I, on the other hand, do manage to get up every morning and face the day and the people. Sometimes I even look forward to school (but that's another story :wink: ). I've also read stories from depressed people, how they felt, what they did, and I can't say I (completely) fit in the description. That's why I don't think I'm (that much?) depressed.

Anyway, I have to think about this, maybe I'll discover something new.

Regards,

Tony
Tony88
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 10:50 am

Postby coach » Tue Feb 14, 2006 3:54 pm

Hi Tony

It sounds to me as if you might just be talking yourself out of getting to know new people.

Could it be that you look for signals that people like you early on in any encounter and if you don't see any in the early stages then you give up?

If you are telling yourself you are not liked and looking for evidence to prove that thought right, then you are probably giving up too quickly.

Try overriding any such self-talk with the message that the people you are talking to don't know you, and that if they did they would probably accept and like you as those who know you better do.

How you see others and how they see you, is rather like a loop, and if you could turn the current negative loop into a positive one then things will change. Try just looking in a mirror and start thinking about an encounter where you felt the person was rejecting you - take note of your facial expressions. Then do the same but this time imagine you are telling your mum something that amuses her - note the expression on your face.

Your face is an important source of signals when you are interacting with someone. Getting a little tongue tied or stumbling over your words now and then is no big deal. My guess is that when this happens you have divided your attention between making conversation and self-monitoring, i.e. trying to look down on your encounter from the ceiling.

It's a bit like watching yourself in the reflection of a shopwindow as you ride past it on your bike - before you know it you're swerving to avoid the car in front that has stopped.

Try being as "present" as you can when talking to people and imagine that they are an old friend that has known you for years but you've met having lost touch and now you need to catch up - if you project acceptance in your manner, you are far more likely to find acceptance in others.

Try the above as if you are doing social research and each encounter is an experiment to test out this theory. Maybe you can let us know how you get on?

Good luck
coach
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1034
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2005 11:49 pm

Postby Tony88 » Thu Feb 16, 2006 5:46 pm

Hi Coach,

I've never thought about it that way. What you said made me think... I'm going to try it. Sorry if this sounds a bit awkward but I don't know what to say right now. :oops:

So I'll try it and let you guys know if I'll succeed or fail. :)

Best regards (and thanks!),

Tony
Tony88
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 10:50 am

Postby coach » Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:05 pm

Good luck with your research Tony.

You might also like to check out this link:-

http://play.com/play247.asp?page=title& ... =148&pa=sr

I think it would compliment your efforts.
coach
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1034
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2005 11:49 pm

Postby Robbie2006 » Sun Mar 12, 2006 2:10 pm

Hey you are the most wonderful person in the whole world to the people that count: namely your mum and dad.

You are unique, you are special, you are an amazing person and your are going to stop thinking this way right now becuase it ain't gonna get you anywhere at all.

For the problem you have, I'll give you 3 killer tips:

1) STOP CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU.
2) Love youself for who you are right know with all your faults.
3) Believe that you will change.

I've been to hell and back, so to speak. I used to be just like you my friend.
Let me know if you wany anything else?
Robbie2006
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Mar 12, 2006 12:46 pm
Location: London

Postby Zinnia » Tue Mar 14, 2006 7:20 pm

Hey tony!Just wanted to write something here because you remind me some of myself when I felt so low!I can tell by your posts that you have great social skills just waiting to blossom, and I guarantee that day will come as soon as you begin to realise that, as Robbie2006 said, you ARE an amazing person and the more you embrace the real you, the more people (even those just passing you by) will realise you're an wonderful human being! Take care of yourself I hope you feel better soon!
Zinnia
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 6:15 pm

Postby thepalad » Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:24 pm

Coach,

Wow, seriosuly good advice, you've cracked the unwritten social code there, I'd never thought of it on those terms before. That's probably the best advise I've heard, well done and keep it up!!!!
thepalad
New Member
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 4:10 pm

Postby tegon » Sat Jun 10, 2006 3:04 pm

heya, have you got MSN? then you can talk to people through that, that's always good, cos you can think what you want to say and if you don't answer for ages, they might think you are too popular! if you want yo can talk to me to get your self esteem up, my address is: tegon_legend@hotmail.com

like what the coach siad you might be looking for signs for people liking you too early on, if you are not ignoring you then they probably like you. Awckward silences are annoying but try to enjoy them, if you can be comfortable with a person when you are both not talking then thats better then just talking.

Hope I've helped, you can talk to me anytime if you want, I'm 16 at the momentk, and yes I am a girl, so that might help, you cna show people off and say you have friends on the internet! lol my friend got a lto more confident since she talk to lots of people on the internet.
that me on myspace: www.myspace.com/tegon if you want to know i@m not a horrible mean person!
tegon
Junior Member
 
Posts: 30
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2006 1:05 pm

Postby CynicalGuitarist » Mon Jun 12, 2006 2:49 am

honestly, I know how you feel. Nevermind those punks that bullied you, they're the ones with the low self-esteem. But yeah, I have some of the same troubles talking to others out of certain social fears of rejection. You seem to hold a lot of the same views I do, perhaps you might be interested in messaging me on msn cynicalguitarist@hotmail.com or check out my myspace at www.myspace.com/WTFtehBongWater. take care.
CynicalGuitarist
Junior Member
 
Posts: 68
Joined: Mon Jun 12, 2006 12:51 am
Location: outskirts of Sacramento, CA

Postby REManic » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:42 am

Well pal, I say that if you want to make friends, you might be more successful by being interested in people rather than by expecting people to be interested in you. I am sure you are interested in people.
:D
REManic
Full Member
 
Posts: 106
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2006 11:29 am
Location: Setubal, Portugal

Postby Jessica_89 » Sat Apr 14, 2007 9:43 pm

im guessing that was a really old post, i joined this forum thingie speshally to tell you that its impossible to make "real" friends! but if you want casual aquantenses then i suggest you talk to them about them ,all the time, and compliment them and tell them stuff they want to hear, and if something happens in a group of people dont stand up for whats "right" just shut your mouth and dont get involved because people are petty and dont care about whats right or wrong they just care about what they want, its nearly impossible to find a true friend who stands up for you and backs you up and is there for you and so forth, and when you think you have found a true friend theres a very good chance that they will betray you somehow so be carefull when you chose your friends, if your just wanting to make friends to get a social life and so on then i guess you shouldnt face many problems.
some tips on keeping friends , be youself but dont be yourself too much, im always being myself and people just think im strange and wierd and they never take me seriousy, you have to establish some authority if you dont want people walking all over you, i didnt realise that for along time and now its too late for me to do that, so no one takes me seriosuly at all even if i shout and scream, second of all dont bitch about people behind their backs they always find out, and even if your 100 % honest to poeople you must expect that people will acuse you of not being and proberly bitch about you behind your back, having friends is great but sometimes its just aload of effort with no rewards. anyhoo im sure your a loverly person, its usually the loverly people that dont have many friends. have you made any yet? hows it going?
Jessica_89
New Member
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Apr 14, 2007 9:33 pm

Postby cheng02 » Fri Apr 20, 2007 12:54 pm

Do you know why you have such a low self-esteem.

You are too bothered by how others look at you. No matter how they see you, it does not and should not matter to you.

So what if someone thinks you are stupid? So what if someone thinks you are ugly? Tell them, so what if I am ugly, don't look at me then.

Guess what, it is his problem not yours. You are making his problem yours.

Make it short. write a list of all the good and rights things you have done in your life till now. Look at it everyday for 30 consecutive days and remind yourself what a special person you are. You fought so hard to come to this earth and you don't think much about yourself.

Write down everything. Your ability to breathe, eat, walk and even write.

I am running out of time. Before I go I wanna give you a gift.

Go to www.visualizationexercise.com/theend.html to download the attraction accelerator report and read.

If you find it good, go to www.visualizationexercise.com/rights to sign up and get my emails.

Talk to you again!! take care

cheng cheng
cheng02
New Member
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Thu Apr 19, 2007 5:58 am

Next



Return to Self Esteem & Confidence