the best way to forget a bad relationship

Postby boboegg » Tue Feb 28, 2006 8:50 am

The best way to forget a bad relationship is to find a new one.
You will enjoy your new life.
The only thing i dont know is where i can meet a good man.
He neednt to be handsome but should be smart. I only hope we love each other.
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#1

Postby coach » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:08 am

The best way to forget a bad relationship is to find a new one.
You will enjoy your new life.
The only thing i dont know is where i can meet a good man.
He neednt to be handsome but should be smart. I only hope we love each other.


I would disagree with the above.

It might seem like the easiest way, but I think you risk carrying over feelings and also negative emotional stuff from the recently ended relationship.

Allowing a period of time to get over a relationship before beginning another is a good policy, in my opinion.

However, some people seem to have a fear of being on their own - possibly because they have never achieved emotional independence or they feel a sense of social pressure because they are single and on their own.
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#2

Postby boboegg » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:15 am

It is very hard for me to get over him.
I will go to see him as long as He wants.
I deleted his moblie number , then I went to his house to wait him.
so I dont want to do this again.
I am very sick , I think.
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#3

Postby coach » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:27 am

You gave your power away with your heart - now you need to take it back.
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#4

Postby boboegg » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:38 am

how can i take my power back?
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#5

Postby Optimax » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:40 am

[However, some people seem to have a fear of being on their own - possibly because they have never achieved emotional independence or they feel a sense of social pressure because they are single and on their own.[/quote]

Coach , I think you are so right with your comments above and you have given me some sound advice previous.
I have always been alone really and not had many relationships only good friends but it really is the social pressure thats one of the problems and as you put it gaining that emotional independence and feeling fine with it.
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#6

Postby boboegg » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:45 am

I do not fear to be single agian, if there is no one in my heart.
if i have someone in my mind , i will feel very very lonely
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#7

Postby coach » Tue Feb 28, 2006 12:57 pm

If I am making the right sense of your post - then I think there is a transitional period during which you will feel very very lonely.

That is not unusual - as a lot of the posts on this site confirm.

Some people use a transitional relationship (i.e. someone at their side in the hope that they will avoid the lonely feelings) but that can lead to a very messy situation as well. It can confuse the inner journey with an outer reality that has been artificially fabricated and so life becomes even more complicated.

I have yet to hear of an easy solution to this problem - which is unfortunate as I would then be up with Bill Gates in the wealth ratings. I quite like that thought: being rich because you found a way to make people happy, hmm :-)

But back to reality.

When you say that having someone in your mind, who is not alongside, causes you to feel very very lonely, have you considered the difference between your internal representation (mental construction) of this person and the actual person that treats you so badly in the real world?

I'll attempt an explanation.

Falling in love as opposed to growing to love someone seems often to happen within a split second - it's that love at first site phenomenon.

My own way of making sense of this is to think that we have a 'template' stored away in the back of our minds that we use subconsciously to scan the people that we come into contact with during our life times.

Imagine a pair of spectacles that have a very fine etching on the lenses that remains out of focus for the purpose of ordinary vision. But when they focus on an image that fits that specially etched outline: wooooshhh!!! you have fallen. People often use metaphors like 'we just clicked' ... 'I fell for him/her' ... and it's not unusual to hear: "I felt I had known him/her all my life!" ... and:"it just felt like we were made for each other!".

So now the flame has been lit, and the internal representation really starts to glow. Usually the burner runs at maximum temperature for the first six to 24 months and then many people become aware of a cooling off period. That's not necessarily all bad, because they may have grown to love the person they fell for, and a lowering of the temperature may actually feel more comfortable - things might feel safer and more settled and "real".

"Real" is GOOD ... in fact VERY VERY GOOD. But some people find that they need that heat back and so go off looking for new models to fit their etching. Maybe based on their previous experience, they think they can modify things a little.

Other people who are content with relationship will look for the thermostat and find ways to turn up the heat now and then - so they get the best of both worlds. A mature sense of reality and at least an 'O' level in emotional intelligence does help a lot in developing and maintaining an intimate relationship over the longer term. But it does take two of each!

I'll stop there with my antithesis of Mills and Boon, because I hope I have explained enough to allow some sense to be made of the point I am attempting to make?

I think you have fallen in love with your internal representation so much that at the moment you are unable to update your internal database, and so although you realise this guy is treating you badly, you just carry on feeling that there is something right about the relationship.

If you leave this relationship, you will take your internal representation with you. All you will leave behind is the screen you projected your love and caring feelings on to. All the qualities that you used to build that representational image will go with you.

Yes, you may feel lonely for a time because you have no screen, but your template will still be in place and next time that snap-shot moment may capture an image that is worthy of your love.

I hope this makes some sense - I realise it may not.

If it does, I hope it will help you make sense of what is happening to you right now.
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#8

Postby boboegg » Tue Feb 28, 2006 1:11 pm

i decide to start a new life. I think what you said is right.
I really appreciate.
do u think I can get over him?
It may easy to tell him that we stop here,
How about after few days, I will go to ask him back me again.
I mean I did this before.and felt really bad.
How can I control myself?
thanks a lot
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#9

Postby coach » Tue Feb 28, 2006 1:49 pm

Call up your friends and go out with them.

Keep yourself busy.

Buy some new clothes if you can afford it, and get dressed up for a night out with friends.

Start some new activities or hobbies.

Keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings.

Take a picture of yourself looking happy and fix it to a sheet of paper and at the top write: YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE.

Then stick it to a mirror and when you get tempted to contact him, go to the mirror and look at that picture and the heading. Follow that by looking in the mirror and saying: "YES - You Are Right!"

Think of someone in your family that loves you, and think what they would want for you.

Be nice to yourself and think of how precious your affections are, and keep them for special people only - not those that will exploit you and take you for granted.
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#10

Postby boboegg » Tue Feb 28, 2006 2:01 pm

I will do that , I PROMISE.
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#11

Postby coach » Tue Feb 28, 2006 2:11 pm

OK ... let us know how things go for you?

Good luck!
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#12

Postby boboegg » Tue Feb 28, 2006 2:20 pm

tell me how to stop?
how about if he calls me?
i will say no, i am busy , is it ok
or i need to tell him, i wanna stop?
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#13

Postby coach » Tue Feb 28, 2006 3:03 pm

Think of your best friend being in this position - imagine that she asks you this question - what would you say to her?
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#14

Postby pakazia » Wed Mar 01, 2006 5:34 am

Before find a new love you must FIRST find the love within. Most people after they end up in a bad relationships they feel less important, insecure, lonely and any of the negative emotions. It is not a good advice foe you to jump and look for another partner Instead heal the pain first by getting connected to your inner self, your true love, your identity and your self worthy.

Then you have to find ways to forget your ex quickly by changing your mental perception about those bad experiences. One of the best way to do that is erase/ neutralize those bad memories, here is one of the technique:

Close your eye and picture your ex in front of you, see him clear, now make his image darker and darker while moving it backward. Do the same exercise but this time do it faster. Do it five more times but every time make the incident happening faster. This exercise will help you to completely forget your painful memories.

Take care
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