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When People insult you, or crack jokes


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zogd06
Junior Member


Joined: 07 Mar 2006
Posts: 25

Post Sat Mar 25, 2006 6:29 am

When People insult you, or crack jokes    Reply with quote  

Im not quick witted when it comes to insults towards other people, and people even my friends at times tend to crack a joke and sometimes it gets to much. I act like it doesnt bother me but it does ALOT. I was thinking that maybe if I responded back with something good that I would stop taking the passive role all the time.

BUt I cant think of anything to say thats witty or stings as much as other people's things.

I need to learn how to defend myself verbally. Whats the best way to learn how to do that?

Plus is it better to just let it slide and act like it doesnt bother you and just pretend like nothing happened or to attack back with full force and out do them. Because a weak come back attempt will show them that you where bothered but your comeback was bad, so it didnt trumph theirs. Now they know your affected and they bother you more. But if you pretend you dont get bothered then people tend to stop.

I feel bad not being able to defend myself verbally.
  
faded
Junior Member


Joined: 22 Mar 2006
Posts: 36

Post Sat Mar 25, 2006 2:40 pm

   Reply with quote  

The main problem is that quite often people who insult others or crack jokes at others' expense are unassailable to a certain extent. If they are better looking, smarter, have more friends, have a significant other etc. and the person on the receiving end doesn't, there really isn't a lot to say back. And unfortunately there isn't really much that can be done about that, unless you can pick holes in one of their lesser weaknesses.

That's speaking from a nasty high school environment context, by the way. I made the assumption that you're in high school, forgive me if I'm wrong.

But if you want to get better at comebacks, practice can help. Of course, being passive has the opposite effect in that it makes the situation worse and makes you feel worse about yourself. Acting like you don't care may stop it if they are looking for a reaction or it may validate it if they aren't. You could always just tell your friends you don't like them doing that. They might stop.
satanstoystore
MVP
MVP


Joined: 10 Sep 2004
Posts: 8046
Location: seattle

Post Sat Mar 25, 2006 4:32 pm

   Reply with quote  

people can tell, even if you try and hide it, that you actually do care. Usually the silence itself is a dead give away. Most of the time it's to get the other person to just lighten up. the only reason why it's a problem is because it's taken too seriously. for one thing, if you take the joking seriously then somewhere in another aspect of your life in an area you don't recognize- your seriousness is a hidden problem there too. that's the nature of all problems, they have a value. err that doesn't mean you shouldn't have values. values motivate us. anyhow, the key to being more verbally quick witted here is to release your seriousness and importance you place on their opinion, and add some playfulness and attentiveness to your attitude. The attentiveness is to pay attention if you get close to their boundaries. Am I being too abstract?
Daniel San
Junior Member


Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 47
Location: Michigan, USA

Post Mon Mar 27, 2006 9:55 pm

Re: When People insult you, or crack jokes    Reply with quote  

[quote="zogd06"]<Im not quick witted when it comes to insults towards other people, and people even my friends at times tend to crack a joke and sometimes it gets to much.> This a good thing. It takes an insecure person to feel good puttiing other people down. Let's look closer at their motivation. It's a strategy to help them feel good... one up/one down, or better than others by putting them down. It works by finding a chink in someone else's armor and then exploiting it. By not saying anything they win... but by contrast trying to meet them toe to toe only plays into their hand. Here's a different approach.

In an earlier life I used to get teased and was the target of insult until I came up with this strategy. When the target of a verbal gaff, stop and turn towards them... look at them questioningly and say... "I don't get it." if they repeat it or try to explain it to you, say again like they just spouted out something incomprehensible, " I still don't get it." " Are you trying to be funny at my expense?" "Are trying to insult me?" Are you trying to have fun with me... or making fun of me?"
Using the word 'trying' implies what ever they trying to do isn't working. (conversational hypnosis)

secondly, their strategy only works as sideways blow. If you make them bring it out in the open and explain it. They have to admit that they are a low life. In the off chance they go all the way and say "Yes, I was trying to insult you. You respond as " Huh... did it make you feel better?" Still with atttude that you consider this a very ineffective strategy (method) to use.
"Why yes, yes it did feel good." " Well, I'm happy I could be help you feel better about yourself." and be done with it.

It will rarely go beyond the second, " I don't get it." They usually feel too naked attempting to explain their motivation and simply say "Oh, never mind." and act like you're weird. But every one knows, what happened with out any blood shed or you lowering yourself to their level of thinking.


< I act like it doesnt bother me but it does ALOT. I was thinking that maybe if I responded back with something good that I would stop taking the passive role all the time.>
It is helpful to look at these 'insults' as poorly formed opinions. A good friend of mine says that 'Opinions are like assholes and everyones got one. A few are even insecure enough to parade theirs around as if their's is truely special. But everybody knows it's just an a**hole blowing wind.' Or do you Brits use arsehole?

<BUt I cant think of anything to say thats witty or stings as much as other people's things.
I need to learn how to defend myself verbally. Whats the best way to learn how to do that?>

Rent the movie Roxanne with Steve Martin, it shows a real master handling insults.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093886/

Spread love not hate, it's more powerful,
Daniel San
Gillver
Full Member


Joined: 27 Oct 2005
Posts: 112

Post Sat Apr 01, 2006 5:37 pm

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I've heard pointing out the flaw before the wisecracker can point it out is a pretty effective technique. Also, throw in some self-deprecating humor if you recognize something that you think may be stupid, so that it takes the sting out of someone else pointing it out. Beat them to the chase. If you make a blunder, describe why you made that blunder. Being silent after an insult is probably the worst think you can do because it allows the comment to sink in.

Also you can work on fake laughing so that it appears that you're taking the joke with a grain of salt and have a good sense of humor about it. Just work on it to where it sounds genuine.
Smartypants
Junior Member


Joined: 10 Jan 2006
Posts: 71

Post Sat Apr 01, 2006 8:31 pm

   Reply with quote  

I don't know if this would work in every case but anyone that knows me doesn't make jokes that put me down.

I think they all know I would probably give them a deathly glare if they said something that offended me. And I would probably make a smarty remark later about them too. (I might not have it right away but it will come eventually) If they are pretending to be "friendly" about this smarty remark they made, they will still get the icy glare but when I make my smarty remark I will do it in my "friendliest" voice and try to make it really a big insult so they get my point (ie., "stop".)

This doesn't apply to strangers. If/when a stranger makes a joke at my expense I don't know what I would say, probably nothing too quick-witted but just mean like "What an idiot!" and show by eye contact and facial expression that I'm ready to brawl if they are. It doesn't so much matter how smart what you just said was in this case, it matters that you say it with a confident and intimidating attitude. This will only work if they are easily intimidated. It helps if they are not much bigger than me or have a team of 5 friends with them and I am alone or something. And I might not do it if I think that person has a weapon, etc. - I would just let my pride be hurt and leave. My life is worth more.

So in short I show calm aggression in my face to stop them from doing it again, unless I think they could possibly kill me, in which case I'll do what it takes to get away from them.
Paddy352
New Member


Joined: 24 Oct 2009
Posts: 1

Post Sat Oct 24, 2009 8:34 pm

   Reply with quote  

i get made fun of a lot being a "mosher" and it used to get to me a lot. but then i read something. "chinese Wisdom" was all it said about where it came from but the advice was, "He who smiles rather than angers is always stronger." and the best way to get the "bully" back is to just take it. agree to it. if some stupid guy (or girl for that matter) calls you "gay" or some other vague term, then just agree. that is wat i fingd beats anything. its more respectable than isulting them back.
  

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