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I am desperate!!! My Husband won't stop smoking weed.


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JENIS
New Member


Joined: 02 Jul 2006
Posts: 13

Post Sun Jul 02, 2006 9:16 pm

I am desperate!!! My Husband won't stop smoking weed.    Reply with quote  

I am 23,and married to the man of my dreams, we met in middle school and have been together since. I love him with all my heart, but I do not want to be married to a drug addict. I feel so helpless because he does not see himself like I see him. Since he knows I hate him smoking, he lies and hides it from me, but I always know. So now I have trust issues with him. I just know he can accomplish anything he desires but the weed is keeping him down. I don't want to be selfish or anything, but I just don't want to wake up 10 years from now and still be in the same situation. What about when we decide to have kids, doesn't that affect the baby in some way? I am thinking of just leaving him. If I have to wait till he wants to quit like yall say, well how am I supposed to cope while I am miserable. I hate him with all my heart for doing this to us!!!!!!!! ..........and I love I at the same time.
  
OntarioLoneWolf
New Member


Joined: 03 Jul 2006
Posts: 5
Location: Kincardine, Ontario

Post Mon Jul 03, 2006 5:14 am

   Reply with quote  

what have you tried so far?

have you talked about it?

when you know he's been smoking and he lies do you confront him??

i suck at confrontations when ive been smoking up, and usually end up cracking and telling the truth if im high.

also, why does it bother you so much; what is it preventing him from accomplishing?
vin_uk
New Member


Joined: 31 May 2006
Posts: 3
Location: Scotland - UK

Post Mon Jul 03, 2006 12:49 pm

   Reply with quote  

I think the term "drug addict" for someone smoking weed is a bit harsh and unecessary IMO.

Why do you hate so much the fact he smokes? Does it affect his personality?
Does he treats you differently when he has been smoking?

The only way your kid could be affected (physically) is if you smoke during pregnancy. Passive smoking is a risk but it doesnt seem anyway he is smoking when you're around.

You definitely need to talk to him about it and also undersatnd why he smokes in the first place?
wondergirl
New Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 14

Post Mon Jul 03, 2006 2:50 pm

   Reply with quote  

Well, I used to think calling someone smoking weed a "drug addict" was harsh too, until I was married to someone addicted to it. There is a huge difference between a casual weed smoker and an addicted one. The addict lies to cover it up, steals money to get it & pretty much puts getting and smoking weed first every day. That's the first thing they do, and the last thing they do. It helps them escape reality, and in my personal situation, I have children, and when he is smoking, he doesn't help with anything, and his decisions about what the kids do are not adult like, because he just feels sooo cool about everything. Oh yeah, and try teaching teenagers not to smoke weed when they know their dad does it. If I had it to do over again, I would not have had kids with a weed addict.... yes drug addict is correct and not even harsh at all.
thefool
Senior Member


Joined: 05 Apr 2005
Posts: 4405

Post Mon Jul 03, 2006 5:28 pm

   Reply with quote  

I think it would help you if you made yourself a bit more familiar with 'weed'.

You see, unlike dope, weed is not a physically addictive substance. What that basically means is that there is no such thing a weed 'junky'. If one becomes 'addicted' to weed it's purely a mental addiction. Or an attachment if you will.

It's like when you just can't stop eating cookies cause they taste so good. But every time you hit the scale you gained 5 pounds...

To be perfectly honest, i think your husband doesn't think anything of smoking weed and feels it's about on the same level as smoking cigarettes... not 'harmless', but not exactly something to be ashamed of either.

You say that you are convinced that he can accomplish anything he wants if only he stopped smoking weed.

I hope you realize this is a paradox all by itself. To be perfectly frank i think you are just dreaming out loud and telling us about the guy you 'wish' your husband was. No offence, but if you can't just quit smoking pot i doubt you can accomplish all that much. Furthermore, weed puts you in an emotionally comfortable state of mind (cool, relaxed), but it doesn't make you excessively lazy unless you are prone to laziness.

Why exactly do you hate it when he smokes pot?

Furthermore...

Why is it necessary to 'teach' teenagers not to smoke weed? Shouldn't they find this out all by themselves? You can instruct someone on the downsides of smoking pot, but that's about it. Prohibition just makes the goods more valuable as society as a whole has shown countless times in the past. If your kids WANT to try pot they will and there is frankly not a damn thing you can do about it short of locking them up in the attic. Which would imho be a LOT more damaging to their psychological health than a joint.

If i catch my kid smoking pot i'll tell him about the bad stuff, ask him not to do it in the house and make it clear that his 'habit' isn't going to be any kind of excuse for slacking off on his grades and schoolwork.

My point of view on this is that putting kids into a protective box is just making them weak mentally. If you just allow them to experience certain things and experiment on their own without the fear of being "busted" and punished BUT always make them live up to their responsibilities then they will grow up with self discipline. They will know they are allowed to party all night long, but also must show up bright and early for work the next day.

That's SELF discipline, and you can't teach a kid that by saying "no this is bad".

Back to the OP. Your husband is an ADULT, if he lacks the self discipline to disallow a very mild drug like 'pot' to take control of his life then i fear he is going to run into a lot more trouble than just pot.

I have a suggestion which you can try.

Make a list of all the things that bother you about your husband. The things you believe are directly related to him smoking pot. BUT exclude the fact that he smokes pot. For example... he might get lazy when he's high. Or he might become unaffectionate... perhaps you feel his career is suffering because of it. Whatever you can think of, make the list.

Now next you need to have a talk with your husband. Tell him that you are no longer going to nag about him smoking pot, you are no longer going to 'punish' him in any way for it.

BUT! And it's a big but. In return, he has to make amends on the things on your list. If he's lazy, he needs to stop being lazy. If his career is suffering he needs to make more of an effort, etc.

"Ok honey, i don't mind if you light one up... but i still want you to help me with the dishes afterwards ok?"

Something like that!

Now if he agrees and makes a positive effort. The result should be that ALL the negative affects that you believe are attributed to his pot addiction will be negated... but he will still smoke pot.

If you find that that fact still bothers you even after he makes amends and improves his life, than you have an irrational aversion to pot, which is i guess not a real problem, but it isn't exactly rational and being irrational is never a good thing.

But if this works out for the best, he may actually quit smoking pot all together OR drastically reduce to a casual smoker.

You see, i don't believe that smoking pot is his 'real' problem. I believe that him smoking pot is your problem. His real problems are most likely a dissatisfaction with something in his life. Perhaps he feels bad about being lazy, he feels bad about hiding it from you, lying to you, he feels bad about being an underachiever, etc. Whatever the cause, if you help him improve these things (by using his attachment to pot as a motivation) he might simply stop feeling the need to use pot to escape from reality and either reduce to doing it just for fun every once in a while or just getting bored with it and stopping all together.

The reason why i say this, is because when i was about 18-19 i was smoking CRAPLOADS of pot. Why? Well to be honest i had little or no life. My dreams were unanswered. I didn't have a good job, i didn't have the self esteem i wanted etc. But then i changed all that, started making more of an effort... and completely unaware of it myself, i started to smoke less and less and one day... i just got bored of it!

Now it's not like i never smoke anymore. I do, this weekend i was at a festival and i had a smoke, but before that it had been two years and it never even bothered me one bit. Days, months, years passed and it never even entered my mind!

If your husbands pot habits were something similar. Would it still bother you?
chaps
New Member


Joined: 03 Jul 2006
Posts: 5

Post Mon Jul 03, 2006 8:34 pm

   Reply with quote  

My pothead boyfriend is 52 years old. I don't care what the medical experts say, pot is addictive for some individuals. I'm not talking about a casual few times a year user here, I'm talking an every day user. I've watched him for 10+ years go on/off of the stuff. He is two totally different people when he is on it vs. not. When he does go off it, he just switches to alcohol. When he is on pot, he is lazy, has no energy, is not affectionate at all, has very little sex drive, his house is a mess, he cannot be reasoned with or talked to about anything, he becomds paranoid as hell about everything and everybody, he spies on me, he yells at me, etc. Withdrawals are awful for about 2-3 weeks when he is coming off - anger like you wouldn't believe. Once he is off the pot however, he has tons more energy, is overall way more pleasant to be around, and actually thinks and plans a little bit about the future. But when he gets under the slightest bit of stress, he cracks and can't handle it so he goes right back to smoking pot again, because when he's high, he don't worry about a thing. His job has announced mandatory supervised drug testing starting in a couple of weeks, if he tests positive, he gets fired - does he care? - nope - will he be able to find another job? - nope - but he keeps right on smoking. These individuals, the true potheads, are self-destructive to the core.
thefool
Senior Member


Joined: 05 Apr 2005
Posts: 4405

Post Mon Jul 03, 2006 10:45 pm

   Reply with quote  

Yes but they these individuals are self destructive WITH or WITHOUT pot.

There are no pot addicts... there are simply addicts. If it's not pot, it's something else that is readily available. They choose to numb their pain and run from their problems instead of solving them.

This is essentially delaying the inevitable and it's sad.

But you are right though chaps. There are users and then there are users. Some people smoke pot just because it's fun from time to time. And some people smoke pot to postpone their problems.

The latter will always fall victim to some or other addiction going from pot to booze, eating disorders. It's a form of self comforting.

Pot is not physically addictive, therefor the only reason to "go back" to pot is purely psychological. That's why going cold turkey can't and wont cure a pothead, because the real reason for his addiction is still present and untreated.

Now seriusly, i know where you are coming from. I used to have a friend like this who showed EXACTLY the same type of behavior and well, sad to say i have tried just about anything to get him to improve his life to no avail. But i don't believe that everyone has to be a lost cause. I think some potheads can come back from it with the right guidance and motivation, which doesn't necesarily have to mean going cold turkey. But it would mean that they would have to start actively processing their feelings and emotions...

I think in many cases, cutting back consistantly while receiving counceling can be a good solution... but the wil to do so has to be there.
wondergirl
New Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 14

Post Mon Jul 03, 2006 11:25 pm

   Reply with quote  

Well I think it has to be physically addictive as well, and reading posts on this and other web sites, there are a ton of people who go through a physical withdrawal when they quit smoking pot. My husband gets hot and cold flashes/sweats, insomnia, nausia, and major mood swings. Usually those symptoms are the reason he will end up going back to it a couple days later.

Recently though, he has gotten help from a physician who prescribed him ativan for the withdrawal period. This helped tremendously, and we'll see how it goes. Whether he is deemed officially physically addicted, or "merely" psychologically addicted, the affects of quitting are physical and psychological.

I suppose any addict to any drug is numbing their pain and running from their problems. Isn't that usually why people use drugs? and alchohol for that matter? The effect is the same whether physically or mentally addictive.

Question for thefool: How many teenagers have you raised?
chaps
New Member


Joined: 03 Jul 2006
Posts: 5

Post Tue Jul 04, 2006 4:04 am

   Reply with quote  

Well, I have an update since my last posting. The 52 year old pothead is no longer my boyfriend. Remember I said he had issues with paranoia and anger? Well, I went and had lunch with an old girlfriend yesterday - he didn't believe me and had convinced himself I went to meet a man - that is soooo not me! I was trying to leave his house tonight after he said we were finished, and he chased me down on the deck and grabbed me around my neck and was strangling me and was pulling his fist back to hit me in the head - having taken self-defense, I bit his arm to the blood and stepped on his foot - he let go and I I scooped my little dog up and got away. His pot use is not just recreational - it is definitely self-medication - there is a distinct different - I agree that any form of self-medication definitely has underlying issues - I think he has a list of issues to contend with. He had charges before for domestic violence, which should have been a red flag for me, but he convinced me they were bogus. Life is too short to put up with worthless SOB's like that. Life will go on without him, and for the better, no doubt. I'm angry at myself for wasting so many years on him, but I have a tremendous amount of relief knowing I'm free from him (even if it was over something that his THC laden brain fabricated). I still think pot is addictive - I'm not distinguishing between physical vs. psychological - that is irrelevant. People like that cannot be helped until they truly want and seek help for themselves. Too many women, like me, see guys like this, with so much potential, and we try to help them, unsolicited. It will never work. Give it up. You can't fix them, they have to fix themselves.
vin_uk
New Member


Joined: 31 May 2006
Posts: 3
Location: Scotland - UK

Post Tue Jul 04, 2006 9:51 am

   Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by chaps
Well, I have an update since my last posting. The 52 year old pothead is no longer my boyfriend. Remember I said he had issues with paranoia and anger? Well, I went and had lunch with an old girlfriend yesterday - he didn't believe me and had convinced himself I went to meet a man - that is soooo not me! I was trying to leave his house tonight after he said we were finished, and he chased me down on the deck and grabbed me around my neck and was strangling me and was pulling his fist back to hit me in the head - having taken self-defense, I bit his arm to the blood and stepped on his foot - he let go and I I scooped my little dog up and got away. His pot use is not just recreational - it is definitely self-medication - there is a distinct different - I agree that any form of self-medication definitely has underlying issues - I think he has a list of issues to contend with. He had charges before for domestic violence, which should have been a red flag for me, but he convinced me they were bogus. Life is too short to put up with worthless SOB's like that. Life will go on without him, and for the better, no doubt. I'm angry at myself for wasting so many years on him, but I have a tremendous amount of relief knowing I'm free from him (even if it was over something that his THC laden brain fabricated). I still think pot is addictive - I'm not distinguishing between physical vs. psychological - that is irrelevant. People like that cannot be helped until they truly want and seek help for themselves. Too many women, like me, see guys like this, with so much potential, and we try to help them, unsolicited. It will never work. Give it up. You can't fix them, they have to fix themselves.


Sorry to say so, but this guy sounds like a psycho pot or no pot... Confused
thefool
Senior Member


Joined: 05 Apr 2005
Posts: 4405

Post Tue Jul 04, 2006 10:04 pm

   Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by wondergirl
Question for thefool: How many teenagers have you raised?


None... why?
JENIS
New Member


Joined: 02 Jul 2006
Posts: 13

Post Wed Jul 05, 2006 6:22 pm

   Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by OntarioLoneWolf
what have you tried so far?

have you talked about it?

when you know he's been smoking and he lies do you confront him??

i suck at confrontations when ive been smoking up, and usually end up cracking and telling the truth if im high.

also, why does it bother you so much; what is it preventing him from accomplishing?


Yes we have talked about it many times, not only talked about it I have pleaded screamed, cried everything. Everytime he lies and I catch him, he says he is sorry that he won't do it again and makes up someother excuse to me about why he did it this time. I have been with him for so long I can tell when he is lying to me he doesn't even have to confess. THe reason him smoking bothers me is because I hate the thought that he needs something like weed to make him feel relaxed or normal or happy. I hate him having to depend on something or someone. It makes me think he is weak.
JENIS
New Member


Joined: 02 Jul 2006
Posts: 13

Post Wed Jul 05, 2006 6:25 pm

   Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by vin_uk
I think the term "drug addict" for someone smoking weed is a bit harsh and unecessary IMO.

Why do you hate so much the fact he smokes? Does it affect his personality?
Does he treats you differently when he has been smoking?

The only way your kid could be affected (physically) is if you smoke during pregnancy. Passive smoking is a risk but it doesnt seem anyway he is smoking when you're around.

You definitely need to talk to him about it and also undersatnd why he smokes in the first place?


The reason that I think I hate it so much is that I feel like he is leading a double life. I don't know the person he is when he is high. I fell in love with the guy who does not smoke weed at all. When he lies to me about it and I find out it just gets me paranoid and I start thinking well what else is he keeping from me. I really do need to find out why he smokes in the first place like you said.
JENIS
New Member


Joined: 02 Jul 2006
Posts: 13

Post Wed Jul 05, 2006 6:29 pm

   Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by wondergirl
Well, I used to think calling someone smoking weed a "drug addict" was harsh too, until I was married to someone addicted to it. There is a huge difference between a casual weed smoker and an addicted one. The addict lies to cover it up, steals money to get it & pretty much puts getting and smoking weed first every day. That's the first thing they do, and the last thing they do. It helps them escape reality, and in my personal situation, I have children, and when he is smoking, he doesn't help with anything, and his decisions about what the kids do are not adult like, because he just feels sooo cool about everything. Oh yeah, and try teaching teenagers not to smoke weed when they know their dad does it. If I had it to do over again, I would not have had kids with a weed addict.... yes drug addict is correct and not even harsh at all.


You see I can totally relate to every single thing you said. I don't think my husband is quite to that point because he does not pay for weed, his friends sell it and just give it to him (or so he says). But I don't see any money missing so I don't think he is to the point of paying for weed. But I don't want to further down have kids and then realize I made a mistake.
JENIS
New Member


Joined: 02 Jul 2006
Posts: 13

Post Wed Jul 05, 2006 6:37 pm

   Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by chaps
Well, I have an update since my last posting. The 52 year old pothead is no longer my boyfriend. Remember I said he had issues with paranoia and anger? Give it up. You can't fix them, they have to fix themselves.
Wow! I am sorry to hear you had to go through that, and I am glad you were able to get away safely. I feel you do about all of his potential. It's like he is not at a 100 percent when he is high. My husband does not yet feel the need to stop because he honestly does not see anything wrong with it. I guess I hate the fact that the love for me isnt as strong as the love he has for weed. Or maybe he just think I am really going to be around for ever and not get tired of it. But as for you just make sure he doesn't convince you to take him back, if he tried to physically hurt you, he does not care or love you. And like someone else said weed is not their only problem.
  

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