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Should I keep trying to get my ex girlfriend back


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Author Thread
Lamerica
New Member


Joined: 17 Aug 2006
Posts: 16

Post Thu Aug 17, 2006 3:14 am

Should I keep trying to get my ex girlfriend back    Reply with quote  

Here goes...

I'm feeling really low at the moment. I've got to an age where I don't socialise like I used too, and all my friends have settled down and are having kids.
I was in a relationship with my ex for around 3 years, and although not always perfect we had some great times. She decided to call it off, as things weren't going so well.
For the past year we have been really good friends, and did loads together, as we were both so lonely and the break up was amicable, until recently, she has met a new boyfriend and she is really happy with him.
Once I realised what I was losing, I told her I love her, but she's not interested in me anymore, and wants me simply as a friend. However I am finding it hard to maintain the same friendship with her, now she is in a relationship.
Everytime I see her, I tell her I love her, and she is all I have and want, but I can't get through to her. I now run the risk of totally annoying her.
What gets me, is 3years ago, She was the one wo fell for me, and when I finally realised she was the one (a bit too late), she doesn't want me back, even though she's got me emotionally where she wanted me.

What should I do, I spend every waking moment thinking of her, and regretting my mistakes. I find it hard to meet new women, even though i've joined a dating site. I am trying to be her friend, but occassionally hassle her about getting back with me.
  
CaptPippa
Junior Member


Joined: 13 Dec 2005
Posts: 27
Location: UK

Post Thu Aug 17, 2006 10:35 am

   Reply with quote  

Whoa! My friend. Your situation sounds like the exact same as mine.

The answer is `no`, don`t keep trying to get her back. You will LOSE her for good.

I ve posted here also, and I have to say looking back. If a persons feelings have gone. Well, they`ve gone. People move on. I think 3 years is a long time. If you cant get it right in that period of time perhaps its not meant to be. You have mentioned there were mistakes. What were they?

I have to say what I learned from my experience, is that it will be hard for you to be friends. Why? Its because you still have feelings for her. I ve been there, and tried that. My ex girlfriend also said when she left me, `hey, lets be friends, and we`ll have lunch, and drinks every now and again`.

Oh boy was that a line. I think when I tried to asked her to go out for drink or for lunch, she thought it was an excuse to see her and make up. I did pursue her, and called her. Not excessively though! I called her about 2 a month, and sent a few texts here and there. The thing is, a woman can smell desparation. You can`t win her back no matter what you do. Shes now found herself a new love interest. When my ex found her new one. She cut ALL CONTACT with me, and a lost her twice. As a girlfriend, and as a friend. I went through grieff twice, and had to go to therapy, and councselling because I was so bad. You also have to think about the other man. Imagine you phoning, and texting her when she dating a new man. That will only drive her away.

You cannot change FREE WILL. She`s made up her mind. All YOU have to do now, is go and find someone else, because every second your fretting over this is a minute wasted in finding your true love. Keep busy, do other things,. The only thing that will bring her back is TIME. In time she might think her new love intereset isnt all that craked up to be.

Only time will tell, but by then you may have found someone else.

Be patient my friend.
LLuxx
Junior Member


Joined: 14 Jul 2006
Posts: 50
Location: behind you!

Post Thu Aug 17, 2006 11:28 am

   Reply with quote  

my advise.

if its ment to be it will be.

no matter how many times you loose it, if it is ment to be it will keep comming back, if it is not ment to be then no matter how many times u try and make it work it will never last.

Never regrett anything you have done, u can never change it. if she wants you she will come back, just try to move on with your life and have a good one. it know its easier said then done but dnt let it hold you back.

Good Luck xx


quote:
You cannot change FREE WILL. She`s made up her mind. All YOU have to do now, is go and find someone else, because every second your fretting over this is a minute wasted in finding your true love. Keep busy, do other things,. The only thing that will bring her back is TIME. In time she might think her new love intereset isnt all that craked up to be.


Good Advise.
Hed Kandi
Moderator
Moderator


Joined: 23 Aug 2005
Posts: 17989

Post Thu Aug 17, 2006 11:45 am

Re: Should I keep trying to get my ex girlfriend back    Reply with quote  

Hi Lamerica,

I understand your pain, however, you need to refrain from persisting with telling her how you feel, this will only cause resentment towards her. And i am very sure that you don't want someone to want to be with you out of guilt now?? That's totally the wrong way to approach this.

Be there for her, as her friend, which is what she is asking of you for now at least. If you were to have any chance here, you should leave the feelings you feel for her completely to one side. I know this will hurt, but really it is your only chance. She left you for her reasons, and that means she does not want to be a part of your life any longer (romantically at least), so persisting will only make things worse. Plus, you are not giving her the chance to miss you if you are always there. Realise you are causing damage. She clearly knows how you still feel about her, so she won't forget that, especially if she decides to look at you again.

The best thing you can do here now is work on yourself to become a better you. I also slightly disagree with the fact you seeking a relationship with someone so soon (if that is your intention for joining with a dating agency), it simply will not work, your head won't be right and your heart will not be with it. Say if you found someone right now and went on a date, if you should so much mention your ex to her (which would be hard considering you have just broke up and she will be in your mind), i think you'd already would have blown your chance, you won't see her again because her line will be "you are clearly not over your ex". If you are looking for friendship, then i guess that's a good start, but i feel you can find just as much friendship in a forum like this and by posting here to help release your feelings and help try to dissolve your pain.

But initially, your first priority is to look after yourself and work on becoming happier so that you are in a great position to start a new relationship with a smile on your face and a happy heart!
thefool
Senior Member


Joined: 05 Apr 2005
Posts: 4405

Post Thu Aug 17, 2006 12:24 pm

   Reply with quote  

I think you are getting through to her just fine. She hears you, and hears your offer, but is not accepting. But perhaps you should.

Let me ask you a question...

Why do you not run into every glass door that you come across? If you run into it, fall over, hurt your head; Do you get back up and try to walk through it again? After all it does not appear to be solid as you can see through it.

Now my question was in every respect a stupid question which seems to have no serious answer at all. Yet it's very similar to what you are doing.

You don't hit glass doors because you KNOW you can't walk through them, because you have a memory and the power to input new information into it. Yet for some reason the new input 'NO' from your gf, is not being stored in your memory.

Because you don't want to hear it. Perhaps you think that if you ask enough the answer will change. What makes you think this?

I assume that you are like many. Hopelessly bound to idealistic ideas and beliefs that, although very pure and beautiful in nature, are only represented in very small amounts in the real world.

My advice to you is simple, and most likely the one thing you don't want to do...

Lose her... and find yourself. You say all your friends are married with kids, but you are not. Maybe you desire to be like them, and experience the fact that you are not as a personal failing. Perhaps it merely means you are not like them, but have not found yourself yet. I believe that to continue in the trend you are going is to keep yourself from growing and evolving.
Lamerica
New Member


Joined: 17 Aug 2006
Posts: 16

Post Fri Aug 18, 2006 12:27 am

   Reply with quote  

cheers guys and girls.

This advice is all the stuff i needed to hear. It has really helped to read it, and I think I will revert back to this thread everytime I'm feeling down about her.

I'm trying to keep my chin up, by keeping busy and seeing as many friends, and doing lots of activities.

However, It's the soul mate aspect I miss, don't have anyone I talk to on a day to day basis. we were very close, but as someone mentioned if i persist i will drive a wedge between us and annoy her new man.

I'm sure I will one day meet someone else, but for the time being, I'm struggling to enjoy those quiet moments by myself at home, when the phone doesn't ring, and I am bored of my own company.
I just hate going home at the moment, with the fear of spending time alone.
Dr. Steinwater
Full Member


Joined: 15 Jun 2006
Posts: 226

Post Fri Aug 18, 2006 4:31 am

   Reply with quote  

move on. Put yourself in a place where you will meet women. Stop thinking about her and put away anything that was of sentimental value of hers into the attic and dont look at it.

Get some distance delete her ph #. Thats the only way u can move on. You may also note that getting another girlfriend to replace her or mimic ur ex gf may be detrimental to ur well being. So just fall in love with another girl for who she is.
richard7
New Member


Joined: 20 Aug 2006
Posts: 1

Post Sun Aug 20, 2006 7:51 am

   Reply with quote  

Hi everyone.

Like the rest of you, I too am finding a little help from this thread.


Its been 6 months since me and my lady were friends.

and about just over 4 since she met the new guy. we were friends till then, but then I blew that by reacting.

She gave me an option. one month of no contact to start proving I had changed.

The fact is we are right for eachother.
I just wasnt mature enough at the time.

I have truly realised my mistakes and she has infact really helped me learn about what a relationship is about.

And what I do want. who I want to be and what i want in life. & that is her.

Her new guy looks just like me, when we were at our best. but older.

I know that she will be attracted to me again & that we will get along, if i could show her that ive changed.

But ive annoyed her so much, she doesnt want me in her life in any way.
& we always wanted to stay friends & have eachother in our lives.

I want to feel emotionaly strong, so i can go out there and get on with things, but now doing anything is difficult.

There must be a way.
It has been done before.

Im really into philosophy & mythology & eastern stuff. & it says that if we are sincere and correct & firm, then we will have success in our heart and anything we do will succeed.

I really want this. I know its right.

I see him & they look so good together, I now i know that WE did look so good together even more.

Hes moved in with her.
I never did, but now i know that is what i want. and i was being stubborn.
now its all clear, its just too late, or else its just so frustrating.

Is there any chance that they will not work out together?

she has been married before.

Im worried this guy is mature enough not to make the mistakes her ex husband & i made.

But i know she choose this guy because of the fact he is like me.
not like her ex, or any other guys she has fancied.

its like she specificaly went out and hand picked this guy. & usualy she is really restraintive.
shes a strong women & i really want to be her guy, i know i am the right one.

she knows how i feel. i am going to stop contacting her & try get out and find someone else.

but i just want to be with her.

I really working on myself, but afraid that the longer i leave it, the closer & more in love with this guy she will be.

oh dear. Crying or Very sad
Lamerica
New Member


Joined: 17 Aug 2006
Posts: 16

Post Mon Aug 21, 2006 2:56 am

   Reply with quote  

keep strong it gets easier, or so I thought.

My ex phones me the other night. very drunk with her friends, and starts being all nice down the phone, and saying how her friends think she should go back to me.
Gets me all excited thinking maybe she's changing her mind.
So I speak to her the following day, and it's back to normal and she's going out with her new boyfriend that evening.

I'm just trying to get on with my life and totally forget about it, but it is hard. especially during those lonely periods.

my advice, keep busy, and lean on your friends and family to help you forget. I am really hoping this gets better, as I don't ever want to experience my initial feelings of hurt.
hypathia
New Member


Joined: 21 Aug 2006
Posts: 11

Post Mon Aug 21, 2006 11:13 pm

   Reply with quote  

I've lost someone I care very much about too. He wanted us to stay friends pretty much insisting on it. It has been difficult for me to keep in touch because the break up still hurts. I hope we can manage to be friends later, but I've told him I won't be speaking to him for a while.

Sometimes you need a break from someone no matter how much you miss them. Sometimes it's the only way for them to appreciate you. You can only do so much don't expect them to come back you might set yourself up for a fall...

In my experience so far. If you have been kind and not demanding the person who care about will remember you in a good way and that makes chances better for you that things may be patched up in the future.

When I have problems concerning a guy I ask a male friend his opinion on it. I don't ask another woman. Try to see what a woman's insights are on this problem.

Men and women are different. When a woman is hurt it takes much longer for her to put the hurt behind her. Women remember details on how they were hurt it can make her trust in a guy very difficult to repair.

It's nice that you want to send her something special for her birthday but maybe you should let it wait. Women want men who are strong and independent you should show her that you are not being dependent on her.

Try to get involved with things that will keep you busy and which will allow you to be around other people so you can make new friends. It's hard but try your best not to feel lonely, and things will get better for you. Maybe get involved in a project which helps people who have had life hand them worse cards than you've got. It will help give you strength to get over your hurt.

I completely understand how you feel... I hope you feel better soon you seem to be a very kind hearted person you deserve to be happy.

let me know how things turn out,
Hypathia
Lamerica
New Member


Joined: 17 Aug 2006
Posts: 16

Post Tue Aug 22, 2006 12:00 pm

   Reply with quote  

Thanks for the lovely replies.

It does help to read this when I'm feeling down. Helps me too realise that I need to move on.

I think my main problem at the moment is the loneliness. I try to see my friends and family as much as possible, but I miss the contact on a day to day basis. I get very lonely with my own company at the moment, something that never used to happen.

I do plenty of activities, but I always feel if I don't make an effort then I won't see or talk to no one. It becomes very exhausting, and I'm scared I may be on the verge of depression, as I feel unloved, unwanted and boring. My self esteem is at an all time low.

Can anyone recommend good places or clubs to meet new people or potential girlfriends.
I've tried pubs and clubs but don't get much joy.
I've been looking into singles holidays, just to get away from it all for a bit to recharge my batteries.
hypathia
New Member


Joined: 21 Aug 2006
Posts: 11

Post Tue Aug 22, 2006 1:13 pm

   Reply with quote  

You should try to feel better about yourself before you can really think about having a new relationship, so that you can present your best self to your new girl. You don't want someone new to have doubts about being if you if she sees that you have gray clouds over your head.

You need to tell your self to move on. It's always hard. But don't let your self esteem suffer. try to learn something new and interesting, like a new language, or gourmet cooking.

Don't try to look for someone so soon. The people who you become interested in will notice immediately that something is not right and will be reluctant to get close to you.

When ever you feel bad imagine a switch with a red light with has the word OFF on it. Imagine that those are your bad feelings. Mentally switch OFF see the red light go out. This exercise really helps trust me. do that every time you start to feel bad, then take a deep breath and then tell your life is pretty good.
Lamerica
New Member


Joined: 17 Aug 2006
Posts: 16

Post Thu Aug 24, 2006 12:21 pm

   Reply with quote  

Keep up the good advice people.

It's getting slightly better. I have stopped ringing her, although occasionally she rings me when her boyfriend is not around.

I'm trying to stay strong, but there are times when i can't concentrate as she's on my mind. especially the quiet moments when there is no one around. Still can't stand my own company, and I go to bed thinking of her and waking up and she is my first thoughts. (believe me, it is better than it was) On my days off i struggle to get out of bed as I am very lonely at the moment, and feel there is no reason to get up. When I am awake there are lots of chores around the house but I don't feel motivated to do aything, even seeing my friends and family is hard work.

Maybe this belongs in the depression forum, but I believe i'm just lonely and bored. Can anyone recommend some self hypnosis and do the audio files at hypnosis download help?
slutty_turkey
New Member


Joined: 27 Aug 2006
Posts: 12

Post Sun Aug 27, 2006 7:53 pm

   Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by richard7
Hi everyone.

Like the rest of you, I too am finding a little help from this thread.


Its been 6 months since me and my lady were friends.

and about just over 4 since she met the new guy. we were friends till then, but then I blew that by reacting.

She gave me an option. one month of no contact to start proving I had changed.

The fact is we are right for eachother.
I just wasnt mature enough at the time.

I have truly realised my mistakes and she has infact really helped me learn about what a relationship is about.

And what I do want. who I want to be and what i want in life. & that is her.

Her new guy looks just like me, when we were at our best. but older.

I know that she will be attracted to me again & that we will get along, if i could show her that ive changed.

But ive annoyed her so much, she doesnt want me in her life in any way.
& we always wanted to stay friends & have eachother in our lives.

I want to feel emotionaly strong, so i can go out there and get on with things, but now doing anything is difficult.

There must be a way.
It has been done before.

Im really into philosophy & mythology & eastern stuff. & it says that if we are sincere and correct & firm, then we will have success in our heart and anything we do will succeed.

I really want this. I know its right.

I see him & they look so good together, I now i know that WE did look so good together even more.

Hes moved in with her.
I never did, but now i know that is what i want. and i was being stubborn.
now its all clear, its just too late, or else its just so frustrating.

Is there any chance that they will not work out together?

she has been married before.

Im worried this guy is mature enough not to make the mistakes her ex husband & i made.

But i know she choose this guy because of the fact he is like me.
not like her ex, or any other guys she has fancied.

its like she specificaly went out and hand picked this guy. & usualy she is really restraintive.
shes a strong women & i really want to be her guy, i know i am the right one.

she knows how i feel. i am going to stop contacting her & try get out and find someone else.

but i just want to be with her.

I really working on myself, but afraid that the longer i leave it, the closer & more in love with this guy she will be.

oh dear. Crying or Very sad


I couldnt quite believe someone has gone through exactly what i'm going through right now...my ex got married after being with me for 3 and a half years, now is divorced for the past year, and she just emailed me and said she was with some new guy who is "alot like you" i'm not sure what to think of that.....any suggestions? also hows your situation going richard7?
davemac
New Member


Joined: 28 Aug 2006
Posts: 2

Post Mon Aug 28, 2006 2:54 am

   Reply with quote  

It has been a month since the love of my life and i broke up. I thought that i would crack and die. I cried for no reason for days.

Believe me though it gets better - what you need to do is invest your time in something else. Don't try and be friends. speaking to a mate he likened it to being a perennial substitute in sport - your there if the coach needs you, you fulfill a purpose, but no matter how well you do or how much you put into it you are back on the bench next week. Its the same with an ex - she's knows you love her, and will pick you up and put you down whenever she wants - like a child with a toy. Have some pride in yourself - you are a fantastic human being, you are funny, intelligent and the right woman will be mad for you. She IS NOT the right woman. When we love people we do not play with there feelings. you deserve a woman who will adore you for just being you and i am certain she is out there.

You talk about a lack of confidence and problems filling the day - i know what you mean - i am a teacher and i was dumped at the beginning of the summer holidays - the day before we were due to go away together! you need to find something else to invest your energy in.
It sounds dumb and crude, but at the moment there is a battle going on in your head - she is in there and you need to get her out. She is not thinking about you and fretting, so why should you? My advice would be to join a dating site - i did and it is a real confidence boost going out and just meeting new people - i have loads of new contacts and have seen that it can be quite fun to be single - don't look to try and replace her, find a wonderful girl for her own merits.

You need to fill your time with other things - take up a hobby - play sport, go out with your buddies - lean on them - get them to set you up with the cute girl they work with!

Its such a cliche, but its her loss, not yours. Cry your heart out for her, grieve, but move on - dont try and be her friend - you will only torture yourself.

In one my classes (i teach psychology) a student once said to me that the only reason that men and women are friends is because at least one has feelings for the other. i laughed this off at the time, but i think that in certain cases she had a point - we have all had a crush on our girl buddies right?

Please take my advice - it is SO SO hard, but the best thing you can do is delete her number, email, anything - that way you are never tempted to contact her (because i bet when you have in the past you wished you hadn't after, right?) If you do this, you will begin learn to be you again - you will learn that she doesn't define you, or make you whole - you will see that you are a person in your own right.

Am i completely over my ex? nope! i still have weak moments, and just tonight she contacted me on msn asking if we can be friends - immedeately the olds feelings came flooding back and i wanted to say 'I love you!', but i didnt - i said i am not in the position to be friends. we discussed how things went wrong for a bit, and i have to say i ended the conversation by saying that I was very confused after she contacted me, but i wished her well and said i hope she is happy. I sincerely do, but my priority has to be me - when we were togehter i put her first in everything, and now i have to invest in myself. I am confused - feelings which i had under control have surfaced again, and that is why i came to this site to see what others did in similar experiences. If she said she wanted to get back with me, my heart would say yes, but my head would say no ....... which would win, I don't know.... but I know its not going to happen, just like a know Charlize Theron isn't going to turn up and declare love for me!

Sorry if I have rambled but I want anyone in a similar position to be strong and know that you can get through it - I am not fully there yet, but i will get there .....It sounds cheesey, but learn to love yourself.


Last edited by davemac on Mon Aug 28, 2006 2:58 am; edited 2 times in total
  

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