I'm married and in love with another man.

Postby swilson » Thu Sep 07, 2006 6:19 am

I feel awful, and I'm not sure how to handle my feelings. I've been married for 3 years now and haven't had these feelings before. I'm in love with another man, who I've been talking to as a friend for a year now. For the about the past 5 months, I've been having stronger feelings for him. He has a lot of qualities that I've always searched for but never found. I love my husband, but no matter how many times I tell him somethings wrong, he always seems to go back to his old ways. I know it's a learning process, but it's so hard to deal with. Not saying this other man is perfect, but it's just different. I know people automatically think it's because the spark has gone from our marriage. But I don't think that's it. I think it's a communication problem. I tell him the things that I don't like, etc, and he acts like he understands and wants to change, but it always goes back to same ol' same ol'. We have a daughter who is over a year old. I mainly don't want her to be affected by all of this. I don't want to be divorced and have our daughter go through a divorce because of me.

This other man hates divorce and hates cheaters. I told him that I have feelings for him. I don't know why, but it was driving me crazy. He told me that he didn't want to start having feelings for me, so that we should stop talking. Well, we both discussed this further and came to conclusion that we didn't want to lose our friendship, because it was so strongly developed. Well, I still have feelings for him deeply. Now here's where I sound insane and naive. I really really want him to like me back. And it even seems he likes me at most times. I'm wanting him to like me so much and it's making me really depressed. I feel like such a jerk and I know I am. I'm just really happy with this other man and I don't want it to end. I guess I'm not facing reality. But I've never felt this way towards anyone since I've been married. Everyone has problems and faults, yes. I don't want to sound like I'm not facing the truth, but I really feel like this other man's problems are easier to deal with. I'm not going to go into full details about the problems with my husband and this other man, but it's just what I feel. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm going back in forth in my head with reasons why I shouldn't have feelings for this other man. But I just wanted to get it out in the open because I don't want to feel alone on this issue. I just needed someone to listen. I feel so alone, and not important to my husband. And I feel very guilty for falling in love with this other man, but on the other hand I'm wishing I could be with this other man. I feel so stupid too because this other man is trying to help make my marriage work. And that makes me feel like I'm not wanted by anyone. So stupid I know.

Another thing that drives me crazy, is the other man tells me from time to time that I give him hope for finding a woman one day who has the same values as I do. And he's told me before that if I wasn't married he would have asked me out. Flirting is going on here and there. But then he also lets me know he's not trying to flirt. And I say I know, even though to me it is flirting. But anyway, I am getting really confused and getting my hopes up even more than before, with wanting him to be with me.

I feel like I have a lot more to say, but not sure how to express it. I do not have a history with cheating and I'm getting disappointed with myself. I'm getting really depressed because I really want this other man to love me back. So that is making me miserable because I used to think I was a good person.

Thanks for listening.
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Postby Skybound » Thu Sep 07, 2006 8:39 am

Hi Swilson!

Don´t expect that you will go trough married life and not ever feel any connection with anyone else except your husband - it happens to a few lucky ones, but most people will at some point feel attracted to someone else.
This is where your values and your responsibility to your family shows, and especially when you have children you can no longer only think of yourself.

You say that you think it would be easier to deal with the problems he has than those of your husbands... think this is the way people see problems when they are in love - even women in love with criminals do it!

I think you are a bit blinded by love here... from what I understand from your post it doesn´t seem like this guy is in love with you for real, more flattered by you giving him attention, and from the way you describe him hating divorces and cheating... and that you had to convince him to become friends again after you told him about your feelings... and you say your friendship was so strongly developed... are you sure that he felt the same about "strongly developed" or was it you who felt it? If you are in love you lose touch with reality and maybe you made your wishes into your reality?

Sorry, but to me it sounds like he is a sure ticket for you to one day become totally alone if you give this one a go.

I can see you leaving you husband, convincing yourself that you both have problems that you cannot solve and off you go with this new guy. He feels flattered at least for a couple of months and then he is off... and you have left your daughter and your husband for something that wasn´t even worth flirting with... not saying it will happen, but I can see that the possibilites are there from reading your post. I mean... you say you "just want this new guy to love you back"... I don´t get the feeling "it" is even there for both of you.

I hope you come to your senses and face that you have something that you aren´t appreciating the way that it should be appreciated.

I think you should cut any contacts with this new guy, since you clearly can´t handle it and you are making it worse for yourself by being close to him.

This doesn´t mean you are a bad person - it just means that you are human. But maybe you need a reminder of what partnership is all about and what you could lose if you aren´t careful.

You say yourself you don´t want to go through a divorce or let your family go through a divorce because of you. Now... you can´t eat the cake and still have it... so what is it that you want?

I say cut contact with the new guy and realise that you can´t handle these type of situations, so you would have to do the same in the future - or you will intentionally hurt others.

Take Care
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Postby mili1433 » Fri Sep 28, 2007 12:16 am

Swilson.....was that you or me writing? I swear I was with you EVERY word you wrote. I am going through the exact same thing right now. I feel very lonely too and I would LOVE to talk to you more about it. All of your feelings, and your situation basically parallel mine. Contact me if you can.
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Postby carlaval » Fri Sep 28, 2007 1:08 am

I understand your situation , I think that many of us even when we are married we can have feelings for other people. But have you thought about why?, is not that you do not the answer.

You may be going through a difficult time with your husband and instead of dealing with the problem you are avoiding it? this is just a thought.

Sometimes , the marriage or the relationship can be over, this is ok. But have we gone deep enough to know why? or are we looking for a short cut to avoid the issue?
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Postby PoppyGoodWill » Fri Sep 28, 2007 2:38 am

I agree with caraval...what's happening here is all about you, not your husband and not the other man. Your husband is oblivious and the other man clearly isn't going to follow you down the road to a possible affair. It takes a strong person to resist temptation and you should applaud him for it.

Are you sure you're just not infatuated with this other man?

And it would be helpful for you to explain more the feelings about your husband. Why you think an attraction to soemone else might be reason enough to endanger your marriage.
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Postby darcipix » Fri Sep 28, 2007 12:47 pm

swilson - you don't mention if this other man is also married or has children of his own.
It is VERY easy once you become complacent in a relationship (for a man or for a woman) to think that something is wrong & begin to look elsewhere for the things you think you are missing. If you continue on the path that you are currently on you will end up having an affair. With the current man or with someone else.
You seem to be searching for something & not finding it at home.
Most of us have been there. I for one took it a step further. I was missing -whatever - in my marriage - so to fix it I went elsewhere to find what I thought I was missing. And - Boy oh boy did I find it. I am not saying that turning to another man is the answer to make you feel complete - but it does work for some of us. Not to say that it is without it's own set of troubles. Your troubles double once you fall in love with another man & after that continue it with an intimate relationship.

You have a small child here to consider. IF you do want to save your marriage - Maybe you should speak with your husband & be very very specific as to what it is you are feeling & what you need from him. (sometimes this works - sometimes not)
Good Luck to you - & keep us posted. You're not alone.
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Postby askdrpete » Sat Sep 29, 2007 12:57 am

As harsh as this may sound, you need to pull the ripcord on this friend and bail out. You are having an affair with him, albeit an emotional one. End it end it end it. Then level completely with you husband. This friend that you're so close to isn't really being a friend if he's putting you through this. He sounds more like a crafty vulture.

Talk to your husband. A lot. And if it doesn't work out, then consider getting out.
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Postby darcipix » Tue Oct 02, 2007 3:42 pm

askdrpete - I hope you are not suggesting that she tell her husband how she feels about this other man.
Most marriages never survive something like this. They may last a few years but there is always that underlying trust factor that most people can't get over. My husband found out about my affair & although he claims he is fine there are still times when I know it bothers him a great deal that I cheated on him.
I would tell him how you feel about the marriage & how you wish things could be to make you both happier....& hope for the best.
Obviously if that doesn't work you might want to look at alternative measures.
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Postby PoppyGoodWill » Wed Oct 03, 2007 12:57 am

So darciepix...you think people should just keep their infidelities to themselves? I know there's a line of thinking on this, but it seems most people feel that to carry on in the marrige they need to be honest. OR maybe it's that they need the spouse to see just how bad it got for them, to grasp the magnitude of change needed.

I"m of two minds. It seems a huge secret, a huge betrayal, to go through a marriage with, but I see the logic in keeping it to yourself and not making it near impossible for the other person to trust you.
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Postby gomen » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:01 am

if i was married, i think that my trust would be completely destroyed if the person had/entertained an affair AND hid it from me AND i found out.

hiding infidelities is NO way to develop trust! in fact, that is why cheaters are so awful, because they are enjoying sex on the side, but foolilng their partners into thinking they are trustworthy. faking trust is not the same as being trustworthy, just as driving a mercedes is not the same as being rich.

i would feel much more trust in my mate if they were honest with me about their lusty or romantic feelings towrads another, since then i feel like i always know where they stand. i woudl trust them, although i may not be happy with the fact that i am not the only one.

i think that it's normal to potentially have lusty/romantic feelings to people besides your partner at times, but i dont think this is some god willed unstoppable soul mate force. my understanding of committment is that you make a conscioius effort to avoid these threats to your relationship.

at the same time, i think a lot of people are told that you shoudl get married when you find someone you are passionately in love with. this isnt really a firm basis for committment. what's to stop that person from falling passionately in love with some co-worker and taking off? a firmer basis for committment would be to find someone who is trustworthy, good confidence, good communication, and a desire to have and work on a committed relationshiop. bc it does take work. it doesnt come with the good sex.
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Postby darcipix » Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:04 pm

gomen: - Ask anyone that has cheated on a spouse & have spilled their guts because of THEIR guilt how well their marriage is working out.
When the said spouse says they are "running errands" no one will believe them. I have 'been there - done that'. Once someone has lied to you the trust is pretty much GONE...out the window.
Now with that said - Yes I have been in my marriage for 27 years - I cheated on my husband (he knows) & he has cheated on me (I know) neither one of us still to this day trust that the other is telling the truth about ANYTHING. I don't know about him - but the older I get the more important trust is for me. HE still lies to me about lots of things. (which is why I am in the planning stages of getting out!)
I will just have to guess that if we didn't know about each other's infidilities that maybe, quite possibly, perhaps, the marriage would be on better terms. Not perfect by any stretch, because people do cheat for a reason.
Perhaps I am wrong. But it is all I have to go on.
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Postby Jack Daniels » Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:52 pm

"I think it's a communication problem. I tell him the things that I don't like, etc, and he acts like he understands and wants to change, but it always goes back to same ol' same ol'."

From my experience of divorced parents, my mother always expected my dad to change, but thats the worst thing you can possibly do. From the beginning you are supposed to love a person for their faults and their positives. If that's not possible you shouldn't be going into a relationship with them further. But hey, life isn't a fairytale, and life gives us a curveball like your situation right here. If you are asking for advice, I would say to not pursue this other man until you are absolutely sure of yourself. You could possibly be going through a stage/test in life.

But you have more to think about then yourself, your daughter is at stake. I am the spawn of divorced parents, and it's not easy at all. Seeing my parents fight, fighting over stupid things makes you wonder about your own life. Just remember, its not just you now, its your daughter. You know what you need to do, you will figure it out. Good luck, hope all goes well.
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Postby gomen » Wed Oct 03, 2007 5:26 pm


the fact that neither you nor your husband can trust each other is not simply BECAUSE you guys *found out* about each others infidelities, it is because neither of you is trustworthy. that will eventually come out in some form or another.

do you really think that things would be OK in your relationship if you kept quiet about your infidelities? are you sure that you can control whether or not the other person finds out? what if some jilted lover of yours sends off a letter to your husband telling all? what if you find a pair of panties in your husband's pocket? or some sexy emails? is this what you call stability?
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Postby darcipix » Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:20 pm

You're right - this is not stability at all! The story obviously is longer than just this - but because of ALL of it - I am in the process of getting my ducks in a row to get out.
Just because someone isn't trustworthy once does not mean that they can't be at all. I belive in Trust & Monogamy & I believe that with the right person you can have both. As for swillson's issue - Her husband sounds like mine in the early days of our marriage. It has gone downhill & we have grown apart because of lies, infidelaties, drinking, financial situations & because he can't feel ~ The man has no feelings whatsoever about anything but work, drinking or sports. We cannot sit down & have a touchy feely conversation because he gets bored (& its obvious on his face) We cannot sit down & discuss matters of the heart without it turning into an arguement.
So - swillson - you could look at this as - If I don't do something to fix this now - this will be me in 27 years / 2 grown children / unhappy marriage later
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Postby gomen » Thu Oct 04, 2007 12:21 am

darcipix wrote:Just because someone isn't trustworthy once does not mean that they can't be at all.

true. it seems like your hubby is lacking in some other areas as well.
you now have the experience and knowledge to know what you really want in a relationship. (being around someone that can't feel can be exceptionally lonely!).
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