I feel awful, and I'm not sure how to handle my feelings. I've been married for 3 years now and haven't had these feelings before. I'm in love with another man, who I've been talking to as a friend for a year now. For the about the past 5 months, I've been having stronger feelings for him. He has a lot of qualities that I've always searched for but never found. I love my husband, but no matter how many times I tell him somethings wrong, he always seems to go back to his old ways. I know it's a learning process, but it's so hard to deal with. Not saying this other man is perfect, but it's just different. I know people automatically think it's because the spark has gone from our marriage. But I don't think that's it. I think it's a communication problem. I tell him the things that I don't like, etc, and he acts like he understands and wants to change, but it always goes back to same ol' same ol'. We have a daughter who is over a year old. I mainly don't want her to be affected by all of this. I don't want to be divorced and have our daughter go through a divorce because of me.
This other man hates divorce and hates cheaters. I told him that I have feelings for him. I don't know why, but it was driving me crazy. He told me that he didn't want to start having feelings for me, so that we should stop talking. Well, we both discussed this further and came to conclusion that we didn't want to lose our friendship, because it was so strongly developed. Well, I still have feelings for him deeply. Now here's where I sound insane and naive. I really really want him to like me back. And it even seems he likes me at most times. I'm wanting him to like me so much and it's making me really depressed. I feel like such a jerk and I know I am. I'm just really happy with this other man and I don't want it to end. I guess I'm not facing reality. But I've never felt this way towards anyone since I've been married. Everyone has problems and faults, yes. I don't want to sound like I'm not facing the truth, but I really feel like this other man's problems are easier to deal with. I'm not going to go into full details about the problems with my husband and this other man, but it's just what I feel. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm going back in forth in my head with reasons why I shouldn't have feelings for this other man. But I just wanted to get it out in the open because I don't want to feel alone on this issue. I just needed someone to listen. I feel so alone, and not important to my husband. And I feel very guilty for falling in love with this other man, but on the other hand I'm wishing I could be with this other man. I feel so stupid too because this other man is trying to help make my marriage work. And that makes me feel like I'm not wanted by anyone. So stupid I know.
Another thing that drives me crazy, is the other man tells me from time to time that I give him hope for finding a woman one day who has the same values as I do. And he's told me before that if I wasn't married he would have asked me out. Flirting is going on here and there. But then he also lets me know he's not trying to flirt. And I say I know, even though to me it is flirting. But anyway, I am getting really confused and getting my hopes up even more than before, with wanting him to be with me.
I feel like I have a lot more to say, but not sure how to express it. I do not have a history with cheating and I'm getting disappointed with myself. I'm getting really depressed because I really want this other man to love me back. So that is making me miserable because I used to think I was a good person.
Thanks for listening.