I'm married and in love with another man.

#45

Postby AA5 » Wed Jul 08, 2009 11:12 pm

One year is not a long time... not at all... when you think of a lifetime together! How old are you? And how old is your husband?

Of course, it's up to you whatever you decide to do. It seems that your mind is already made up. How can you say "I really can't help it." Of course you can. Why are you allowing yourself to have a choice? If you are married, then you should convince yourself that there is no choice. He might be 'lovely' but you are unavailable, unless you are considering adultery.... And just because he seems lovely now, who is to say what he might become if you become his mistress? You need to think very carefully about where this harmless flirting is going to lead you. Keep it all in your head.... you will get over this. Fantasize if you must. If you're starting to feel really down NOW..... how will you feel if you have a guilty conscience?...
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#46

Postby jada » Tue Jul 14, 2009 1:03 pm

People share wise thoughts here and i want to add one more - just answer a question "Do you really want to take risks and loose your happy marriage? Decide what is more important for you and act according to this"
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#47

Postby ESlzicka » Sat Nov 07, 2009 8:23 am

[quote="swtchick87"]Iv just read this thread, and can relate to each post..

Hi all
I am realy new here but all the stories I read are so similar to mine. I have been married for about 5 months but benn with my husband for about 9 years. We have 21 months old baby boy. For more than 2 years I am in love with my colleague. I never told him that before but just recently tried to. I don't know if he knows what I was trying to tell him. I don't know if he understand that I love him very much for such a long time. I didn't want to get married but everybody was expecting it from us so I went for it. But even during the wedding my thoughts were still with this man. I feel terrible because my husband is great man and he is amazing father. But I don't love him. I have no idea if this man fell the same way as I do because he is so difficult to read. he is not really sociable person and doesn't speak much. But he has beautiful personality even if I haev seen only a little of it. I just know that it is there. I have a great relationship with his mum and dad as they are visiting us a lot and recently I told his dad about how I feel about his son. I know complicating but that's just how it is.
This man is single. I don't know what to do now as I thonk that he still doesn;t understand what I tried to tell him.
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#48

Postby PoppyGoodWill » Tue Nov 10, 2009 12:35 am

ESlzicka wrote:
swtchick87 wrote: I have no idea if this man fell the same way as I do because he is so difficult to read. he is not really sociable person and doesn't speak much. But he has beautiful personality even if I haev seen only a little of it. I just know that it is there. .


I wonder about this. You're not in love with your husband so I have a feeling you are idealizing this man whom you readily admit you don't even know that well.

If you want out of your marriage it shouldn't be because you believe you can take up with this guy. It should be because you don't want to be wiht your husband.

You're playing with fire to tell anyone about your feelings. You might blow up the situation without really intending to. Be careful.
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#49

Postby emblem1983 » Wed Jun 30, 2010 2:52 pm

Hi Swilson,

I have also been married three years. Also have a child a little over the age of 1.
I also have been tempted by another man, who is/was my good friend.

Let me just tell you this. My husband is also a good man, also loves me deeply. There is something about the crush/infatuation/lust feeling that makes us want to do crazy things, like break up our happy little families. NO MATTER who you are in a relationship with, there will always be issues and problems to work out. I also go around in circles with my husband, telling him why I'm unhappy and what I want to change. He does the same thing every time, says ok, I'll change. We wake up the next morning and NOTHING EVER CHANGES.

But look, the fact of the matter is, no man is perfect. However much we might want to believe it. This other man that I was (still am) in love with seemed to have everything my husband did not. But that doesn't ever mean it would work out or we would be any happier.

The issue is this: SELFISHNESS. It is the HEIGHT of selfishness to ask our spouse to be something he is not simply because we found something we like in another man. It is the HEIGHT of selfishness to throw away our marriages and stability for our children simply because we think we might love someone else. It is NOT worrht the risk.

I really believe this other guy might be my soul mate. But I will never give up what I have to see if I can work something out with him. I have chosen to put my husband and my child first.

We wonder why the divorce rate is so high in this country. It is because we live in a self serving culture of "gimme gimme gimme" and "but I'm not happy". GROW UP and take responsibilty for the decisions you have made. Don't make a bad situation worse by hurting EVERYONE around you. Your family, his family, your child, your friends, everyone you have ever known.
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#50

Postby Ravi » Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:12 am

Dear Swilson,

I applaud you for having the courage to confront your conflicting feelings. It is only natural that one would feel guilty to harbor feelings that conflict with the commitment in a relationship....

What makes you feel miserable is your inability to believe in the distinction of having a liking for someone, and being committed to someone

You have developed a fondness for a person, who has certain qualities that you have strong preferences for over those of your husband, who is also bestowed with his own unique qualities, but somehow those qualities of your husband, do not appeal to a very great extent to you....

What you seem to be craving for is an appreciation and reciprocation of this liking as the other person obviously has also expressed strong preferences for the qualities you posses...

This is probably leading you to perceive that associating yourself with him would bring about pleasurable consequences

Each one of us are entitled to have our own preferences, and likings, however, what causes misery is a unexplainable affinity to these preferences which further deteriorates when the preferences are not allowed to manifest...

You seem to be allowing yourself to believe that because; you have strong feelings, preferences for a particular person or his qualities which probably are not so predominantly expressed in your husband - you are justified to consider committing yourself to him over your commitment to your husband

While you have developed a strong feeling for him, and intensely desire him, you are holding yourself from doing so, because, you realize that you would be risking your marriage... and at the same time, you don't want your daughter to grow up in a broken marriage

It is only natural that you would feel guilty and miserable for being in such a situation

However, it would help if you could bring yourself to see, that while there is nothing wrong in appreciating a person for his qualities.

You are limiting yourself to believe that the person you are married to, is not eligible to your love, care and affection, just because he is not gifted with the qualities that you have had preferences for...

This fact blinds you from seeing a beautiful aspect of your relationship - that is your husband is at least making a sincere attempt to know you, understand you, and make you happy.. he keeps trying despite his failures

However, because your mind refuses to see this as a effort to make the relationship work you tend to see this as his repeated failure to live up to your expectations

It would help if you could bring yourself to support him to tune himself to your expectations and thus see if you can bring him to what appeals the most to you

You have rightly said that this is a learning process.. and obviously each of us has our way of learning..

With time, you will have your own learning, and evolve to recognize what would suit you the best....
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#51

Postby Lady C » Fri Nov 05, 2010 9:11 pm

swilson wrote:I feel awful, and I'm not sure how to handle my feelings. I've been married for 3 years now and haven't had these feelings before. I'm in love with another man, who I've been talking to as a friend for a year now. For the about the past 5 months, I've been having stronger feelings for him. He has a lot of qualities that I've always searched for but never found. I love my husband, but no matter how many times I tell him somethings wrong, he always seems to go back to his old ways. I know it's a learning process, but it's so hard to deal with. Not saying this other man is perfect, but it's just different. I know people automatically think it's because the spark has gone from our marriage. But I don't think that's it. I think it's a communication problem. I tell him the things that I don't like, etc, and he acts like he understands and wants to change, but it always goes back to same ol' same ol'. We have a daughter who is over a year old. I mainly don't want her to be affected by all of this. I don't want to be divorced and have our daughter go through a divorce because of me.

This other man hates divorce and hates cheaters. I told him that I have feelings for him. I don't know why, but it was driving me crazy. He told me that he didn't want to start having feelings for me, so that we should stop talking. Well, we both discussed this further and came to conclusion that we didn't want to lose our friendship, because it was so strongly developed. Well, I still have feelings for him deeply. Now here's where I sound insane and naive. I really really want him to like me back. And it even seems he likes me at most times. I'm wanting him to like me so much and it's making me really depressed. I feel like such a jerk and I know I am. I'm just really happy with this other man and I don't want it to end. I guess I'm not facing reality. But I've never felt this way towards anyone since I've been married. Everyone has problems and faults, yes. I don't want to sound like I'm not facing the truth, but I really feel like this other man's problems are easier to deal with. I'm not going to go into full details about the problems with my husband and this other man, but it's just what I feel. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm going back in forth in my head with reasons why I shouldn't have feelings for this other man. But I just wanted to get it out in the open because I don't want to feel alone on this issue. I just needed someone to listen. I feel so alone, and not important to my husband. And I feel very guilty for falling in love with this other man, but on the other hand I'm wishing I could be with this other man. I feel so stupid too because this other man is trying to help make my marriage work. And that makes me feel like I'm not wanted by anyone. So stupid I know.

Another thing that drives me crazy, is the other man tells me from time to time that I give him hope for finding a woman one day who has the same values as I do. And he's told me before that if I wasn't married he would have asked me out. Flirting is going on here and there. But then he also lets me know he's not trying to flirt. And I say I know, even though to me it is flirting. But anyway, I am getting really confused and getting my hopes up even more than before, with wanting him to be with me.

I feel like I have a lot more to say, but not sure how to express it. I do not have a history with cheating and I'm getting disappointed with myself. I'm getting really depressed because I really want this other man to love me back. So that is making me miserable because I used to think I was a good person.

Thanks for listening.
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#52

Postby Sixxer » Mon Dec 27, 2010 9:50 am

8) I've got the hots for a married woman. I have this unearthly fantasy to have that one discrete affair with her as I am single and not in any relationship and free of ties; no children as sex has always been off limits or obstructed in some fashion. I recognize her need to remain with her family and her offspring. It's only the one time and she NEEDS it out of her system. I am her just her type. I feel on fire today and I WANT her to get it out of her system. And it's actually all I want. I feel passionate about it. I don't want a long-term anything. I just want to be a mediator that say's it's only about her satisfaction and getting "IT" out of her system. I want to be that giggalo and have this one discrete affair with her to the grave. My satisfaction, what will get me off, is doing whatever it takes to never, ever, ever, and I mean that exponentially to ever be caught. If another soul was to learn of our affair the fantasy would be lost. I just made love to her once and it was the most passionate of all encounters she and I have ever experienced. It only happened once. And guess what? It is all we both needed. She is now happy with her husband perhaps years later if you wish to look at it this way, and she never, ever, ever, (exponentially) tells him. Yet this one secret made her marriage last an eternity. That people in my eyes is good sex! I move on to have a wife and kids of my own but to think "One white lie for all eternity," is the one that made our Marriages work! 8) The public is so getting snowed over about who is cheating on who. but what if just for once the public gets cheated on? The flip side of the coin!
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#53

Postby theforsaken » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:42 am

For better for worse was part of the promise you made on that wedding day, I think you should sever all contact from your friend and work sh** out with your husband.
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#54

Postby ellla » Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:39 am

Sixxer wrote:8) I've got the hots for a married woman. I have this unearthly fantasy to have that one discrete affair with her as I am single and not in any relationship and free of ties; no children as sex has always been off limits or obstructed in some fashion. I recognize her need to remain with her family and her offspring. It's only the one time and she NEEDS it out of her system. I am her just her type. I feel on fire today and I WANT her to get it out of her system. And it's actually all I want. I feel passionate about it. I don't want a long-term anything. I just want to be a mediator that say's it's only about her satisfaction and getting "IT" out of her system. I want to be that giggalo and have this one discrete affair with her to the grave. My satisfaction, what will get me off, is doing whatever it takes to never, ever, ever, and I mean that exponentially to ever be caught. If another soul was to learn of our affair the fantasy would be lost. I just made love to her once and it was the most passionate of all encounters she and I have ever experienced. It only happened once. And guess what? It is all we both needed. She is now happy with her husband perhaps years later if you wish to look at it this way, and she never, ever, ever, (exponentially) tells him. Yet this one secret made her marriage last an eternity. That people in my eyes is good sex! I move on to have a wife and kids of my own but to think "One white lie for all eternity," is the one that made our Marriages work! 8) The public is so getting snowed over about who is cheating on who. but what if just for once the public gets cheated on? The flip side of the coin!


It sounds as if what you both had was an ideal - don't give a hoot about what anyone else has to say - its clear this is what you both needed. and now you have happy lasting memories.
Its quite relevant where you say some affairs actually keep marriages which are extremely difficult to bear "together" Of course an affair isn't an ideal but then we don't live in an ideal world - particularly when dependant spouses and children are in the mix ending a bad marriage is actually the selfish option.

thanks for sharing :)
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#55

Postby thefool » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:18 pm

People make up so many arbitrary commitments to contrived values and ideals which have no basis in reality...

Like marriage... What is that really? You make up some phoney vows, you spend more money in one day than you do in the ten years following, and some random person in a robe swears in your marriage before the eyes of some make believe invisible man in the clouds...

And then somehow you're expected to live your life with this person, even if after five years you find yourselves completely grown apart, and you start moving on and becoming attracted to other people.

Marriage is romantic and fun because it's a day soaked in tradition and family ideals... few people are ever unhappy at a wedding, and that's what makes it so special. It also has a sentimental value, where you choose to be with one life-parter, which is a romantic ideal, and the ultimate affirmation of the strength of your bond.

The problem is that you bond may not remain as strong as it once was, and in this society where getting married is almost expected after you've been with someone for a few years, all too many people get married for it's own sake.

Marriage is void the instant your connection, your bond with you SO starts to fade, because it's that bond which really matters, not some signature on a piece of paper.
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#56

Postby carlinfan » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:27 pm

thefool wrote:People make up so many arbitrary commitments to contrived values and ideals which have no basis in reality...

Like marriage... What is that really? You make up some phoney vows, you spend more money in one day than you do in the ten years following, and some random person in a robe swears in your marriage before the eyes of some make believe invisible man in the clouds...

And then somehow you're expected to live your life with this person, even if after five years you find yourselves completely grown apart, and you start moving on and becoming attracted to other people.

Marriage is romantic and fun because it's a day soaked in tradition and family ideals... few people are ever unhappy at a wedding, and that's what makes it so special. It also has a sentimental value, where you choose to be with one life-parter, which is a romantic ideal, and the ultimate affirmation of the strength of your bond.

The problem is that you bond may not remain as strong as it once was, and in this society where getting married is almost expected after you've been with someone for a few years, all too many people get married for it's own sake.

Marriage is void the instant your connection, your bond with you SO starts to fade, because it's that bond which really matters, not some signature on a piece of paper.


I can't believe there are some people out there who still need someone to explain this to them.
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#57

Postby Clair2348 » Wed Jan 05, 2011 5:31 pm

I feel your pain fully. I am going through the same thing and have been for over a year. I have been married 6 years and I love my husband because we have been through a lot together and he is the father of my kids but I feel deeply in love with someone else last year. I won't go into full detail, but my husband had/has a lot of faults too so I was thinking of divorce anyway and then on top of that, I meet this man. I hate it when people say "you fell in love because you're looking for something else in your marriage".. that is not always true so don't always listen to that. If anyone out there still believes in true love, it is possible to fall in love with someone when you're married and it shouldn't be compared to the marriage you're in because obviously there's a true/ real reason why you are in love with this other person. Now it is entirely up to you what you decide to do. It is fun to get advice and fun to listen to other peoples opinions but you have to make the sole decision. Do you have children? I haven't read all these posts but I read your first post and from what I could tell, you do not. That is a major thing because when you do have children, that changes A LOT. If you do not have children, maybe you should consider separating from your husband for a little while and see how you feel being away from him and how he takes it. I didn't say separate and go cheat on him but just some time to clear your mind and think about what you really want. Maybe its just me but if I didn't have children, I would definitely do something like that. It's good for all couples to have time away from each other so they can realize how much they mean to each other and if not, go their separate ways and move on. Life is too short!!

You know, I would just do what I did and I would be flat out honest with this guy you're in love with. I would not leave out even a small detail. I would tell him how you feel fully and just level with him.. he knows you're married obviously so just tell him the situation and see if he feels the same way and if he does, then you need to decide what to do with your husband but you have to get that taken care of first because cheating is no good. The reason why I tell you to level with this guy is because if you do not tell him the full truth of how you feel for him and you picture yourself with him (without beating around the bush saying you only have "feelings" for him), you are going to hold it in forever and grow resentful toward your husband and things will never get better with you and your husband. You have to vent and let out the truth. If it scares him away and he doesn't feel the same, it was never meant to be. If he is willing to do what it takes to not lose you and spend his life with you, then you be honest to your husband and tell him you are not in love with him anymore or try marriage counseling. You could go at this several different ways. Some people say work it out with marriage counseling. That's great if you have kids but if you have no kids and you STILL feel this way, I say get out while you still can sister because of many reasons!

I would not jump into marriage any time soon if you do decide to divorce your husband. The most logical option in my opinion is to say to your husband that you are unhappy and need time to think... I would separate (stay with a family member, friend or even go on a vacation). Even if it's only for a couple weeks it would give you a sense of what life would be like without him. You may find you love him more than you think and if that is the case, maybe you should consider some kind of counseling or more date nights so you can fall back in love with him and erase this other guy from your life. It is not okay to have a male friend though that you have feelings for because those feelings will never go away as long as your married to your husband. You need to get rid of one of the two and your husband deserves a chance so I would try the separation first before divorce or telling him flat out you don't love him anymore. Don't make any rash decisions because one day, I did. I decided I could not take it anymore and I e-mailed this guy I loved and ripped him a new a**hole because I wanted him to hate me so he would get out of my life and that's the only way I knew how to fix my problem. I had to get rid of him or my husband and there was no "getting rid" of my husband. I can't divorce him... I have three kids. I chose not to be miserable being married and in love with someone else so I told him all the things that bothered me about him and how I felt he was just playing games with me because he knew I was married and I told him off basically and told him we should stop talking and I wished him the best. Since then, I am miserable because I hurt him. Long story made short, don't tell this guy off... tell him in a nice way that you can't see him anymore if that is what you decide. ...lol.

Make sure it's truly what you want first though because I still think about him everyday of my life and I tried sending him an apology e-mail with explanation behind my motive but he just would not hear it. He never responded back to me again. I told him I wanted to start over as friends because I cared for him... nothing. I really pissed him off or maybe he is trying to save himself hurt too so that is why he is not getting back with me? Who knows? It works out though because bottom line, I need him out of my life but he will never leave my heart. I am still in love with him and if I was at a different time in my life without kids, I feel like we could of been very happy together and spent our whole life together but I felt I did what I had to do and you need to do the same or you will be miserable and it will eat away at you.

Good luck!
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#58

Postby wife1992 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 2:19 am

I understand completely how you feel. I have been married for 18 years. My husband has promised to change for 18 years and treat me right. No, he is not physically abusive but emotionally and mentally abusive. We have 4 kids, 1 grown, and 3 teenagers. I have been having an affair (so to speak) with a co-worker. We spend time together but have only been intimate once, a blow job. We have spent quite a bit of time together and we both like each other a lot but he has now decided that he can't have a deeper relationship with me because of me being married. I was deeply hurt by his decision but I do understand. I was already in the process of a legal separation. We both want to have a more intimate relationship. I struggle with the feelings I have for him because just being his friend is not enough for me.
:cry:
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#59

Postby Crazy_Distressed » Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:04 pm

I'm about in the same boat. I don't want to hurt either, but don't want to ruin either relationship. My head feels like its going to explode! Let me know if you run across a solution!
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