Hello all -
Having a better day today, which has emboldened me to write all this.
Quick explanation of my current situation: male late 30's recently prescribed antidepressants after losing job due to depressive behaviour (lack of performance at work, basically). Just bought a house, too - so now there's the mortgage to worry about, but I digress... I live alone. Have gone through depression before without help but this time it's lasting much much longer - hence the visit to the GP.
This current depression was triggered by finding out that the woman I love (and always will) had married the ex-boyfriend just a few months after we had split up.
What's getting me down right now, though, is the fact that I've seemed to throw things away every time things were going well for me throughout my adult life.
And can I apologise in advance if you think "blimey, he's got a house, a car, a good education, IT skills, what's he got to worry about?" I know this is true, and I agree, and it winds me up all the more because I know I COULD have so much going for me if only I didn't screw it up every time.
(you don't have to read them all, they're all pretty much the same story, but it's good to get things down in black and white. Worth a read though, you couldn't make this stuff up! 6,7 and 8 are more relevant to how I am now though)
eg 1). married young(ish) straight after university to the girlfriend I met before going to uni. Waited and waited through Uni to marry her. Then we split up before even reaching the first anniversary, mainly due to overwork and a basic lack of consideration on my part for how she felt sitting at home waiting for me while I drove back from jobs all over the country. Arguments. Divorce.
Opportunities for a happy life, 1; opportunities thrown away, 0
eg 2). Met someone through my sport (motorsport) with whom I had an instant connection. We could have entire conversations with just the beginnings of sentences - we could fill in the rest ourselves. We started a motorsport hospitality company together which didn't work out, but we rode it out together and were happy with each other's company.
Now, her family had a business in Florida, and she wanted to go over there to live - would I like to come with her? Hell yeah! So we moved over to the states and had a couple of years living together, but only after a few months I started picking arguments for the stupidest reasons. Why? I have no idea! So we split up, although we both stayed in Florida.
Opportunities for a happy life, 2; opportunities thrown away, 0
eg 3.) Got a job with a small computer store over there run by a great guy. There were just 3 of us there and had a great time. For a while. Then, just as his business took a downturn I managed to mess up a couple of databases I was writing for him. So he had to let me go.
Opportunities for a happy life, 3; opportunities thrown away, 0
eg 4.) Coincidentally the girl I originally went to Florida with also lost her job, so we got back together to start a website design company. We were only together professionally, not romanitically. I managed to get an apartment overlooking the ocean, right in the middle of the best part of town. However, I managed to mess that up again when my old feelings for her made it impossible to work together. She found someone else, I got jealous and we had a huge bust-up over it (for which I still fell incredibly guilty). So I came back to the UK. So now we're up to July 2000.
Opportunities for a happy life, 4; opportunities thrown away, 0
eg 5.) Landed a contract back here designing a website for a local college. Great money. Rented a flat. Got back into racing. Got an offer of a drive in a national championship for the following year. Which is when I met the woman who I mentioned earlier. Big time thunderbolt thingy. Many common interests. A kindred kind of thought process that made the thing about finishing off each other's sentences seem like two strangers. She's clever, funny (KILLER put-downs!) oh-so beautiful, etc etc ! We had 8 weeks or so of the most intense kind...
She was at that time in the process of separating from a 6-year marriage. Combined with the fact that I had recently returned from the collapse of a lover/friendship, we both took a step back to be sure that this just wasn't a "rebound" thing. So the smart thing for me to do would have been to wait for both of us to get our thoughts together, right? You guessed it - I was too impatient, too pressuring, and so with a heavy heart we parted. Over time she found someone else as did I, and although I came to terms with seeing her in the local, I never really could get her out of my mind.
Opportunities for a happy life, 5; opportunities thrown away, 0
eg 6). So I decided to try to go back to Florida. I had (and continue to do so) stayed in touch with one of my room-mates from some of the time I was living there before. Sure he'd help - he would give me room and board in his house (he was by now married, with a toddler) in return for me running the website and databases for his company. He's a star!
So everything's arranged, I'm all set to go back to Florida, and I throw a leaving party for mates at the local pub. My ex and her boyfriend are there (he had since moved in with her, and they both seemed very happy together, so I had no problem). In fact, my ex and I had quite a good laugh that night playing trying to beat each other at pool. It comes to chucking out time and me ex asks me if I'd like to go back for some wine? Sure. For old time's sake, I thought. After all, I was about 30 hours away from flying to the States, so where's the harm?
The boyfriend had gone to bed, and my ex tells me that she was gutted when she heard I was going back to Florida. She tells me the boyfriend isn't working out, and she wishes I wasn't going. Now bear in mind we were both pretty drunk. But still. Nothing untoward happened. I'm not that kind of guy. But I confess to hugging the hell out of her when my taxi arrived. I confess I told her that I still loved her. She said she still loved me. 30 hours before my flight! I hugged her again and left.
I convinced myself that it was just the drink talking and went to live again in Florida.
Opportunities for a happy life, 5.5; opportunities thrown away, 0.5
eg 7): Got in touch again with the ex after arriving in the states by email. Over the following few months (this was oct 2002 to Feb 2003) we fell in love again. She had asked her boyfriend to leave. We were in contact all the time. She came over to visit and we spent the most INCREDIBLE week in the Florida Keys. Now bear in mind that that week was really the first time I'd spent with her since we'd split up in 2001. Everything felt so right, so real. We talked about her moving over to Florida. She fell in love with the place as much as I had when I first went over there. We kept in touch almost daily.
One weekend I was out on the road for my friend's business (In Chicago, not that it really matters). I wasn't able to reach her online or by phone (home or mobile) all weekend. So I got a little worried. Overmuchly, as it turned out. I had left lots of messages (I dunno, maybe a dozen) on her answerphone over the course of the weekend, each one obviously sounding more concerned.
She apparently had been out for most of the time, and her mobile had a flat battery, or something, and her home phone wasn't ringing audiably, or something. So she eventually hears all my messages late on Sunday, and lays into me on Monday for being too overbearing and controlling. If she wanted to go for Sat and Sun, it was her right so to do, and me chasing her up was not healthy. Yes, I could have let it go. But I didn't . We rowed for days until she finally said enough, and this is not the kind of relationship she wants, so we may as well forget the whole thing. Oh. My. God.
So things calmed down over the following weeks, but it was obvious a line had been crossed. We still exchanged the odd email. The odd chat online. But it was over.
Opportunities for a happy life, 6.5; opportunities thrown away, 0.5
eg 8.) (Good this, innit?)
August last year. My dad calls me up out of the blue and asks if I can come back to give him a hand. He's divorcing his 2nd wife and has to get himself set up in a rented house while he looks for another one to buy. His eyesight is very poor, and needed help settling in. He'd pay for the flights if I could spend a month or so back here. No prob. So I fly back.
So I tell my ex-ex about it and we agree to meet up and say hi. We do so and yes, you've guessed, it's thunderbolt city again. Passion. Love. Ive missed you so much. I was wrong. No, no, I was wrong. Lets work it out. Lets TALK to each other about things before jumping to conclusions. What about Florida? No contest. I take the decision to stay here and let things sort themselves out between us. I can find a job, no prob. We talk of marriage, where we will honeymoon, kids, where to live, the whole gamut.
I did pretty well this time. I lasted a whole four months before I got depressed about all of a sudden NOT being able to find a job. We split for "space" in January. She was back with the ex again in March. She married him in July (I think).
I did get a job (in January). And have thrown it away again by the depression that hit me recently.
What the hell is it about me that causes me to continually throw my life away? Is it diagnosable? Or am I to suffer this way of life forever?
As I sit here in my little terrace (which I bought when I still had a job), taking pills for depression (PILLS??? ME???? I thought I was stonger than that), realising that I have had far more opportunities and priviledges than I deserve, I am finding it VERY difficult to get the motivation to go out there and try again. And I don't just mean love, I mean anything.
Next Thursday is the anniversary of when I first met the woman I still love and I'm worried as to how I will take it. I so want to email her to ask her how things are, but I realise she has made her choice. I hope she's happy. I just hate not knowing.
Well I'm sorry for taking up to much banwidth with this epic, but I had to get things off my chest. Thank you if you got this far!