Why do I always feel so alone and worthless?

Postby tiger » Sat Jan 10, 2004 5:02 pm

I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love dearly and a stress free life. But I hate myself most of the time and can´t understand what he sees in me. We really love each other but everytime he starts to get closer I push him away. I do it cause I don´t feel I deserve to be loved. I´m also extremely jealous and see every woman as a threat. He can´t understand any of this and thinks I´m suffering from stress.

Everytime we argue it´s my fault. When things are going well as they usually are I just don´t know how to deal with happiness and I constantly look for problems. When I´ve found one that in reallity doesn´t exist it sets off trigers and I get panick attacks and become extremely aggressive verbally and attack him. For a short moment I´m overwhelmed with negative emotion and I get out of control. I feel enraged and I say whatever I can to hurt him and myself. Then I feel totally alone and see myself as a monster and I imagine myself dead and the peace that this would bring to everyone who has to put up with me.

Every little thing in everyday life feels like a huge obstacle and I feel that I´m under water the whole time I´m awake. I´m tormented by nightmares at night and negative thoughts during the day. I´m physically exhausted most of the time and can´t see a way out.

I love him so much and I know we´re made for each other. He doesn´t understand because he´s such a happy possitive person. He doesn´t deserve this. My family have suffered for years from my depression.

I need help. Depression is ruining my life and every year it gets harder to deal with. I´m starting to feel so tired of fighting it and I know that if I don´t get help soon something´s going to push me over the edge and that will be it.

I live in Spain and don´t know where to go for help. The system here is so crap for these sort of things.

Is there anyone out there that suffers like this?

Is there an explanation for all this, I´ve always had a loving family and my life´s been quite normal - why am I so misserable?

Please help me

This is not only destroying me but it´s hurting those that love me and that´s the hardest thing of all to deal with.

I feel so alone.

Natalie
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#1

Postby Rex » Sat Jan 10, 2004 8:00 pm

Have you told your boyfriend how you feel? Maybe just printing out your posting here and showing it to him - may help him understand you better and as he knows you well he may have some ideas that may really begin to help you.

Reading through your posting I was thinking how I would be reacting if my girl friend was suffering in the same way. And as you describe your reactions to problems I would probably see it from a different perspective than you had described it. I think I would be quite negative about her outbursts - and really frustrated. But then if I had read a posting like yours on this forum, it would have made look at her situation in a new light and really begin to give me ideas of how I may be able to help her.

For him to see what you have written may help him understand better what you are going through. I think writing is such a good way to develop new understandings of problems - sometimes like a self therapy - it really helps to clarify why problems have arisen - and sometimes develop aha's.

Sorry I cant be more helpful.

Good luck.

Rex
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#2

Postby Mark Tyrrell » Sat Jan 10, 2004 11:00 pm

Hello Natalie. Wellcome to the forum :D

Have you looked at www.clinical-depression.co.uk?

Take a look. Once you know what is happening you wont feel so alone.

Best wishes

Mark.

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#3

Postby Skepticg18 » Sun Jun 22, 2008 10:32 pm

I'm a 25 year old female living in Florida. I am fairly cute and intelligent, yet I am never happy with myself. I always remain isolated from the social world and until this day I have an inability to make female friends, and yet I want to. I am clingy and scared to show people how weak I can be.

I grew up an only child. I can't even finish my thoughts today. My mind is so scattered. I am in such a rut. I have a lot of education, but I can't find a job. I suffer from anxiety, and employers can sense this even when I try to hide my nervousness. Now I have this crazy idea to apply to teach English in China. I wish I could travel to Europe, but here I am, pinning away in my room.

:(
Deb

I wish I had more support in my life.
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#4

Postby drmiller » Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:02 am

Hi, Skepticg18.



Skepticg18 wrote:I am clingy and scared to show people how weak I can be.


You seem very strong to me, in that you are dealing with your issues as well as you can on your own. This requires a great deal of strength of character, and a high level of individuality (and stubbornness!!).





Skepticg18 wrote:I suffer from anxiety, and employers can sense this even when I try to hide my nervousness.


Try not to worry too much about this. Everyone suffers from anxiety, especially with bosses! Bosses know that employees suffer from anxiety 'when the boss is around'.

Perhaps this is why you want to teach abroad, as it is less easy to be judged in these terms when in a different culture (as there will be far more outstanding things about you (i.e. you are not Chinese!! Some villages in China have never seen a non-native before)).

Have you completed a TEFL course? You should try it and see if you like it.

If you go abroad, you will, for sure, get noticed. This can be a positive and a negative. If you do go, just make sure that people get to know 'you', as well as what you represent (i.e. Western culture).

There will be a high level of curiosity from people regarding yourself, which will be very encouraging for the first few months. But - and do take note of this - the interest will wear off when you become 'routine' to people. This can have a very isolating effect on you, as you will now be viewed as 'part of the routine' in a place where you truly don't know anyone well, or have anyone close to turn to.

If teaching abroad interests you, then by all means go for it - but make sure you are doing it because you want to teach English abroad. This should be the primary motivating factor.


Many people go abroad every year to teach English, and absolutely love it. Just make sure you are aware of the potential negatives, as well as the positives.

However, the positives could be life-changing - you could see the world in a whole new light, and re-prioritise what is important in life.





What does travelling represent to you? Is it freedom from what you know (i.e. daily life), or freedom from the situation you see yourself in just now?



Sometimes the most difficult thing can be making a decision. But not making a decision is also a choice. It is choosing to keep things as they are.

There is comfort in a routine, in knowing that certain things can be relied upon, but there is also familiarity, which can lead to a great sense of ennui.


Start small - change little things e.g. try going for a walk, listen to a completely new style of music, study a subject you would not consider studying etc etc

Changing even one thing can shed a new light on everything.
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#5

Postby jurplesman » Mon Jun 23, 2008 5:19 am

When you have endogenous depression the first victim is your self-esteem, which is bombarded with stress hormones. This low esteem - caused by an inner metabolic disorder - can have serious consequences in personal relationships.

You can help yourself to a great degree if you understand the underlying biochemistry of depression and how it can affect your self-image.

Please read:

Depression is a Nutritional Disorder here

and

Self-help Personal Growth Psychotherapy

and discuss with a Nutritional Doctor, a Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychologist if you want to.
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#6

Postby Skepticg18 » Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:52 am

I really appreciate your advice. I think going to China would be a way to escape the dread I feel from my "routine"

I am not sure what it will take to awaken me at this point in life. I wish I could hold myself, if there was such a way. I can't seem to step outside of myself. I am always preoccupied and can never "live in the moment"
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#7

Postby juanlo » Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:14 pm

To tiger and skepticg18:

Sometimes depression/anxiety is a clinical issue, in the sense that it stems from a hormonal or chemical imbalance. Sometimes it is a mental issue, which stems from unproductive or negative thought patterns.

While the hormones and chemicals in your body take a while to adjust (if ever), and can be affected by drugs or food, the negative thought patterns are easier to change. Notice I said easier, not easy.

Without the money to pay for full-on psychiatric care - and even then finding a GOOD therapist - the answers lie among two paths: direct help and indirect help.

Direct help:
Books detailing exactly what you need to do to help yourself. While I tend to not appreciate the escapist/metaphysical approach, it does seem to work for some people, so you can try that. There are other books which are less new-age, and more practical, such as Emotional Intelligence (which will help you identify the exact feeling you are experiencing, which helps you identify in turn how to deal with it), and Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway - great book about objective reasoning in the face of anxiety. Ayn Rand and Terry Goodkind also have entertaining books with an objectivist philosophy which may show you some alternate (and better in my opinion) ways of looking at the world.

Indirect help:
Often it is not facing our fears that puts us in this cycle of needing help but never fully committing to a course of action that would truly help. One solution that has worked for me is rock climbing. Although the rock climbing gym I go to has suspension ropes to prevent me from falling, it took a while before I felt comfortable enough to climb to the top of my course. But once I did, and conquered that fear of going all the way up, I noticed that attitude affect my life in other ways. I started to view other challenges as courses to be conquered, not things that would ruin my life if I failed. This is been one of the best things I have done for myself.

Out of the two approaches, the indirect has been the best. I feel like it has changed both my mental patterns, as well as my hormones (there is a rush I get after leaving the climbing gym... I feel like I have conquered the world and can do anything). Pairing the indirect approach with some reading has been exponentially more helpful than doing either one alone.

So my advice to both of you is to find a physical, intimidating challenge and do it. Boxing, rock climbing, working out, are some of the best ones I can think of. Notice that these sports are things you rarely find women participating in, and that women tend to have higher rates of depression. I feel that the hormones released by these sports (testosterone, adrenaline, etc.) help counteract the pre-existing hormonal imbalances in some people, especially women. Notice also, that what makes these so effective, is that each of these contains a confrontational element to it - an opponent, a wall of rocks/cliff side, a physical challenge (no easy yoga/pilates workouts - I mean sweaty, tiring, make you want to cry at times workouts). Also, the intensity of each one is only half controlled by you, and half controlled by your circumstance/opponent. It's up to you to have your qualities overpower the other... like life.

There is a lot to be said to facing your physical fears and prevailing through intense challenges. Your physical fears manifest themselves mentally, and your unwillingness to prevail means you accept all the bad things life can throw at us. And running away through suicide or going to another country is not going to solve the problems. And since the both of you are on here, I know you are looking to solve the problems... and I think you will find all the help you need. Thanks to the internet, we are never alone!
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#8

Postby jenny88 » Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:08 pm

I totally understand how you feel. I too have come from a descent unbringing and have always had a great life. The only thing is I have always felt not good enough and have kept surpressed feelings of depression inside for so long. The good thing is that now you are finally confronting your depression.

It is so hard to think of yourself as such a negative and unpleasant person. But as soon as you recognize that and tell yourself, " I am beautiful and he loves me because of who I am." you will also change your mind about yourself. We are our own worst critic. I can find a million things wrong with me and feel depressed. But if you were really undeserving of your boyfriends love do you think he would be with you??? let alone deal with your emotional issues? That in itself not only shows that he loves you, but that he will be there in the good and the bad! Thats awesome and hard to find.

I think with a bit of talking and expressing your inner most feelings things will shift and you will begin to see how wonderful and priceless you truly are.

Good luck and God bless.
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#9

Postby Yellowcoaching » Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:33 am

There are some free tips and advice articles on my site that may help you to overcome these feelings of worthlessness.

www.yellowcoaching.com

If you like them then you can look into buying the E-book Not A dress Rehearsal: How to Make the Most of Your Life here

http://www.yellowcoaching.com/nl1/yp2.html[/url]
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#10

Postby ron213 » Wed Dec 30, 2009 12:59 am

I understand where your coming from, and it's frustrating to think that you are alone and there is no way out, but there is, every minute that i feel so alone and down it affects my siblings and I don't want this it's hard enough that my mother has problems of her own by paying for my tuition and I don't want to be a bother to her, and certainly not disappoint but it feels like i'm disappointing everybody wherever i go
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#11

Postby NeverHappy1979 » Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:34 pm

Wow this is exactly how I feel. In my life I don't feel there's anything else to do. I had a wonderful boyfriend that I just broke up with last week because of my crazy emotions. One minute I love him and the next I hate him and if he gets mad I say he doesn't love me. I wish I could give you some advise. But just hang in there and take it day by day - that's what I'm doing - it doesn't seem to be helping me any, but maybe it can help you! I wish you the best!!!
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#12

Postby the_moonman » Sat Mar 13, 2010 10:02 pm

Hello Uncommon Knowledge forum,

Firstly, you folks seem pretty cool, just from reading one thread, and I consider myself a good judge of character. :)

Secondly,juanlo: I like the way you outlined/defined "indirect help" in your post. I took a lot from those few paragraphs...thanks, and will be utilising the City swimming pool next door to my workplace starting next week. Thanks.

To Skepticg18, ron213 and NeverHappy1979:

All I can say, anonymous stranger that I am, is that it is very liberating to be recently diagnosed as depressed (self- and clinically), but to also immediately find yourself in a community of others who are experiencing VERY similar things. When I read a forum like this I do take solace in the fact that someone else might want to talk about it, and that would get ME talking and, well, talking it through is important. It's helping me so far.

I'm almost 38, I have a healthy beautiful family and I'm buying/owning my own guitar store after 15 years of working here. I have a lot to be thankful for, but here I am, afraid to set goals, burying my head under covers on another grey morning, and it seems I've spent all my life, almost masochistically, making problems and sabotaging the very things that should make me happy. Unreal. I'm a smart guy, social (enough, I suppose), but with no REAL friends, from childhood or otherwise. I make more excuses than friends. Why? No idea...and that just makes me more worried. It's indescribable to most people, but maybe someone in this forum can identify, a little, in the ramblings of a nice guy who is broken, but can't quite nail down the problem.

I have family who love me dearly, but I push them away and then feel terrible for it. WTF!? Maybe some of you do as well, but I'm old/wise/smart-ass (<--cool swear-filter there) enough to know that I CAN change , but Im lost when it's happening so...unconsciously.

So, sorry for the TL;DR rant, but it was cathartic to write, even if it's only a fraction of what was going on in my head. If you can measure/define it, you can manage it, but the measuring comes first. Hang in there, talk it through with someone if you can, and know that there are plenty of people feeling EXACTLY the same way. It helps a little.

Oh, and keep using the forum...I hope to. :)

Cheers~
Scott
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#13

Postby topaz88 » Sat Mar 27, 2010 12:31 am

Hi everyone, I just wanted to post on here because I'm not someone who finds it easy to talk to people about things that matter, I don't really know what to do. I think I might be or have some symptoms of depression, I know I should go to a doctor if I think that but I don't want to be given drugs and if I go then it's like it's real..

I get really depressed sometimes, well it's happening more and more really, I have some really good friends but lately social situations make me feel really anxious, I frek myself out over nothing. I know it's nothing, but I still feel anxious and stressed and I don't want to go out, when I do make myself I panic a lot of the time and end up making excuses to leave. I don't know why or how it happens and I try and stop myself doing it but it just gets..I dont know what. So I'm not hanging out with my friends as much, and sometimes I think that's ok, but then other times I'm like, well I need them. I'm pretty shy and don't make friends easily. And I don't want to be alone, but I think I'm pushing people away.

So yeah.. I guess as well I'm not sure if I am depressed or I'm just slightly fecked/stressed up, I'm in my last yr at uni atm and I do stress myself out easily. But It has gotten quite bad and I just can't see the way out, I havn't been able to eat lately, especially not in social situations where I feel like I'm going to be sick. I just feel -well, alone and worthless. Writing this has kinda helped so thanks for the forum for letting me rant on
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#14

Postby Annie7788 » Sun Mar 28, 2010 12:17 am

Has anyone noticed the op was 6 years ago? For some reason someone responded four years later and again now...
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