Not interested in sex

Relationships and families - wonderful when they're working, distressing when they're not.

Postby tomorrow » Mon Nov 05, 2007 7:05 am

I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now, and at first the sex was amazing; some days we'd do it more than once! Now, it seems i'm just not into it anymore. We've barely had sex this past month, and I couldn't even tell you the last time i orgasmed. I mentioned to my boyfriend of my guilt - how can we have a normal functioning relationship if I can't please my boyfriend in the one way i really should? Well, he told me that I shouldn't make sex only about him, and should do it only when i WANT to....yes, thats such a great answer, but if sex isn't only about him, then why does he frequently wake me up in the middle of the night by sexually touching me? Personally, I'm sleeping because I am tired, and I'd much rather not be woken up! I've asked him numerous times to stop bothering me in my sleep, and yet he hasn't stopped yet. Also, he is constantly touching me at inappropriate times (like when his mother turns her back for a second), and is always grabbing my behind in public - is it possible that my super low libido is caused by the constant sexual attention/pressure that is thrust upon me? And if it is, how can I get my boyfriend to stop? I've asked him to stop doing all this before, and just wait until I make a move, but he can't seem to last more than 3 hours without touching me in a sexual manner. I would love to have a great sex life again, but like I said, I'm not into it anymore, and when we do manage to attempt to have sex, it only lasts a couple of minutes until I have to stop things and pleasure him manually. Please Help!!!!
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Postby PoppyGoodWill » Mon Nov 05, 2007 2:35 pm

I'd say that feeling pressured to be sexual and have sex is certainly contributing to your disinterest in it.

When we have sex, we voluntarily give over control of our bodies to someone else, even if only briefly. We allow a remarkable sort of vulnerability. Which is why I think sex is the first thing to go from a relatinship where you no longer feel safe or content to be vulnerable with that person. Sex becomes a struggle of control over our own body. So when he's grabbing you, he thinks he's beign playful, but to you it's become about having the right to say no, to control your own body and what happens to it. The more he does it, without respecting your wishes that he touch you only when invited, the more angry you get. It's like feeling you're under seige. To complicate matters, whenyou do have sex you're not enjoying it much, clearly. So add resentment to the dynamic.

Are you happy with him in other respects? Because I have a hunch you're fighting for control about other issues too, and the anger and frustration, the withdrawal, is being expressed in the sexual realm.
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Postby Persephone » Tue Nov 06, 2007 2:23 pm

i can identify as my sex life was amazing when i first met my boyfriend. It is still is lovely when we do it, but i don't want to do it nearly as frequently and I know that this frustrates him. I agree that the pressure to have sex can make you disinclined to want it. Having to perform when you are tired and have a lot on your plate can be stressful, you feel that sex is just one more thing that you are not managing to complete. I explained to my boyfriend about this (he also wakes me up with wandering hands) and he felt hurt. He now thinks I do not desire him as much anymore which is not the case at all. So of course now I feel the need to prove my desire by having sex more frequently which I just don't want to do - and don't have the time to do!

so i haven't provided you with any answers, but I totally understand where you are coming from, and it worries me that I don't want to have sex as much and it worries me that he feels undesirable. What to do eh?
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Postby Dr.Strangelove » Wed Nov 07, 2007 7:39 pm

Hi Tomorrow,

IMO, throw a fit at him. He sounds like he's a little simple in the mind and doesn't respond well to reason or simple requests, he seems immature and obviously doesn't understand that he's the primary cause for a now not-so-hot sex life.

Although you may feel pressured/obligated to satisfy him. Understand, that you don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to. There is no rule book for how a relationship must function. If you do anything you don't want to - you'll have only yourself to blame. (Unless he holds a gun to your head) Put your foot down girl!

---

Imagine this: One night you wake up at 3:30 in the morning, your boyfriend has to wake up at 6am... and you all the suddenly have a desire to throw a bucket of cold water at him. Naturally your boyfriend wouldn't want a bucket of cold water thrown at him, as it would bring him little pleasure. But, "who cares?" you think to yourself.. "I have a very strong desire to do so, and if he loves me, he will accept it" And so you throw the bucket of cold water at him.

How is that any different to what he does to you?

---

Be mad and don't apologize. If he can't show a little bit of self restraint... dump him imo.

Dr.S

remember the analogy and don't settle for second rate behavior.
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Postby thefool » Wed Nov 07, 2007 8:34 pm

Wrll, this is just me but him waiting for you to make a move is probably not the best idea in the world... As this will probably be never ;-)

This is not a stab at you, it's just plain logic, people who don't have a desire to do something will generally not start doing it all of a sudden.

The real question is what is causing this?

I have to be honest here and say that an unsatisfying sexlife almost always has it's roots in the fact that the relationship as a whole has become stagnant and is entering a slump. People get comfortable, to comfortable, and while the relationship is no longer especially exciting or pleasing, it still provides a sense of security, and this sense of security (and habit) is enough to keep it floating... for a while at least....

Sooner or later there is going to have to be a change in your relationship, and this change will not come in the form of you suddenly, without provocation, becoming very interested in sex again. The change is either going to come in the form of rekindled courtship in your relationship... or either of you moving on and out of the relationship...

There are of course always those couples who stay together just for the fuk of it, but i really don't recommend that 'solution' at all.
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Postby Persephone » Thu Nov 08, 2007 1:34 pm

I am afraid that i do not agree with your reply The Fool. A relationship does not have to end because of a lack of sex. There are many reasons why she may not wish to have sex at the moment. Yes it COULD be because the relationship is not what she wants anymore - but it does not sound that way from her post. She sounds tired and in need of a slower more gentle approach. You mentioned rekindling their courtship - and I would say that this would be a good thing. The problem lies in so much pressure being put on sex that one feels undesirable and one feels under pressure to perform. Lots of communication are needed, and he has to take a step back and not go in for the kill immediately. A relaxed approach, no pressure and a little romance may work. But it takes two to tango and to have a healthy functioning relationship you do have to 'give in' sometimes (hopefully that is not unreasonable?) to make the other feel good about themselves. I would personally put my own tiredness aside sometimes to make my boyfriend feel better about himself as I do not want to damage his self esteem. That makes it sound as though I never want to have sex - which is not the case at all - rather, when he wants it and I do not, sometimes I agree to his wishes. And it works the other way around too. He will takes my feelings into consideration. Otherwise he would be a thoughtless pig. But we all get frustrated, just make sure you get your point across and try not to make it into a battle ground.
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Postby thefool » Thu Nov 08, 2007 10:23 pm

You know...

The way you make it sound, it just sounds so simple...

Like, some people just don't like doing it in this or that way and all it takes is a little make over.

If the problem was really this simple... would it linger on this long? Wouldn't a person just say "hey no, stop being so wild, i want it slow and gentle"... isn't that the kind of stuff people say all the time?

Far as i know it is... even with people you barely know... Things like "slap me!" or "whoa take it easy!" or "slow down cowboy" or "HARDER!", are just a few examples of the things that people quite often say to indicate 'how they like it'.

Now something like this doesn't exactly lead to extended amount of time where there is absolutely no sex in the relationship.

Then it's stuff like... low self esteem... the voice of a sibling haunting the mind and telling you repeatedly... REPEATEDLY!!... how dirty sex really is.. that boy in high scholl who got a little rough... or the girl in highschool who got the wrong idea about you... Or maybe it's even a terrible case of 'daddy likes little girls!'...

Whatever the situation, this is beyond your other half to 'fix'... these are issues of your own that need a lot of time sorting out... if they ever get sorted out completely that is.

So what's a guy supposed to do in the meantime? Get friendly with rosy palms? Walk around like a love starved bull on steroids trying to ignore all the attractive, available, flirty women that are surrounding him, not to mention the 24/7 'sex sells!' media hype... Forget he has a libido?

Well if he can... props to that guy... Far as i can tell, guys complain to heaven, hell and everything in between when they aren't getting any, ESPECIALLY when they are spending all the time they aren't getting any, listening to 'gf issues'...

Sure, relationships don' have to end because the sex life sucks...

But it's going to take a hit...

How much hits can a relationship take before it becomes just something you do out of habit... you know... How was your day? Oh yeah that's great... what's for dinner?... and like... Of course i pay attention to you ho-HOLY SH1T!! A HOT AIR BALLOON! Someone call the president! Something important just entered my life!
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Postby gomen » Fri Nov 09, 2007 12:14 am

maybe you're just bored with him sexually, though you love him very much. maybe you love him more like the way you love a little kid, since that is how he acts. maybe what you want is a mature guy that listens to you, and that would light your fire.
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Postby tomorrow » Fri Nov 09, 2007 7:31 am

Wow. Thank you all for your replies! I really didn't mean for this to start a little argument, but that's how life goes i suppose. Since there were quite a few replies, I'm going to tackle this one by one:

PoppyGoodWill
I am, for the most part, very happy with him. Except, lately he has been sort of pressuring me into finding what i want to do with my life. I'm in third year university right now and have very little idea what to do, and what direction I should take in school. Maybe this is the control I'm fighting for? I really don't feel like I'm ready to make a big decision as to what my future career will be, and wish to leave deciding that up to me in my own time, not on his agenda.

Persephone
My boyfriend was the same way as yours. He began to think he wasn't attractive enough for me, so I felt that I needed to prove to him that he is in fact a very good looking guy. However, I feel that the more we have sex when we're not in the mood, our libidos will shrink, and shrink, and shrink. How can we have fun in bed and enjoy ourselves when we're not into it? So, each time we have sex that isn't satisfying, the more we'll think sex is boring.

Dr.Strangelove
You're analogy is perfect! I'm actually pondering about throwing water on him! Well, I won't, but at least I'll tell him about it :wink: I wish I were able to throw a fit at him, but the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings. My problem is that I'm way too passive. Maybe one day when he really pisses me off I'll just snap at him, but for now your analogy better work! lol

thefool
I agree with you that we need to rekindle our courtship. Our life together is getting kind of boring. I can predict exactly what we will be doing this weekend, the weekend after, even 5 weekends from now- and thats watching a movie and we'll most likely get one of the cheap pizzas that are walk-out specials. Sunday morning we will probably take the dog to the park for a play and then go home and lounge around all day. To spice things up a little, we might even go out for a sunday brunch and order the exact same meals as every other time, pay the exact amount, and say goodbye to the same people. As much as I love routine, I also love a little sponteniety every once in a while.

gomen
I am probably bored with him sexually; as mentioned above, we do the same things all the time. This goes the same for our sex life. The positions go in the same order all the time, we talk about the same fantasies, and we get up and walk away right after we finish. I do not, however, love him like a child. Although I do agree that I need maturity. I've always been more mature than the rest of my peers. In order to find a 'maturity match', I'm pretty sure I'll have to find a man twice my age. Since my boyfriend generally treats me great, I'm going to stick with him. Although many small things bother me about him, I couldn't imagine how my life would be without him.

**Note to all: we finally had sex today! Actual, real sex and I finally orgasmed. It felt like a great accomplishment, but I'm sure this won't happen again for a long time. But it was great either way :D
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Postby tara_ra » Thu Sep 09, 2010 10:04 pm

Hi,

It seems like Tomorrow's worries are kind of solved, especially her last comments show improvement :)

I hope that you guys can help me solve my situation. I will be very brief: basically with my boyfriend the things were: great, amazing sex in the first 3 years, he was exactl6y like Tomorrow's boyfriend - he used to be crazy about my body and all the time, all the time wanted sex, sex and sex. I was very sexual, spontenious and I would consider myself as an interesting and very good lover, but step by step I have lost my interest for sex complitelly, partly because of his non stop sexual desires, partly because I started a new job, which I was very interested in and I've concentrated on it. As our sex life completely stopped and other issues, even if we love eachother we decided to separate (we are still together). I don't feel hurt or anything, because I took this desicion - I want to move out honestly, the thing is I just feel so empty, so cool and I do not thing about sex or man whatsoever. I used to be sexually mad in a way (really enjoying it) and now I am afraid I became frigid :(
The other day a nice man on a party tried to kiss me at the end of the night - I just hugged him friendly instead and I said that I just don't feel that way. I was feeling as cold as ice. Nowdays I don't have any thoughts about sex, any little signs or tiny feelings about sex - I accept it as something boring and pointless and my body doesn't need it either. I know this is wrong: I can't just do hugging with my next boyfriend, something that I love and I do now. I really have the feeling that I am frigid, which is scary.I want to be interested in sex again, how can I wake up for it again?!! Please help with your advice: otherwise I cannot see myself having a normal relationship anymore.
Thanks
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