I don't want to be angry anymore!!

Does your anger need some management? Helpful discussions to get you back in control.

Postby alondra » Sat Dec 29, 2007 6:02 am

Hi,
This is the first time I try this. I am 35 years old and a mom of two. I think I am getting angrier very quickly and very often. I have mood swings and this is worrying my husband and myself; mainly because we have two little ones (a 5 and a 3 year old). I don't understand how I can get angry so easily and start yelling at my husband without thinking about the kids. We now I need some help and we' ll try to find it first thing next year. But I now this is taking a toll on my marriage (we are 9 years married). I feel really bad and don't know if this kind of behavoir is learned (my mom use to yell a lot to us and to my dad all the time). She used to say she had a "nervous sickness". Could it be that I inherited this, or could it be that I am imitating her. I loved her dearly but I know she did all of us (4) wrong by treating us like that. I don't want to do this to my children and I don't want my husband to hate me either. Can I get some help? Tonight my husband doesn't even want to talk to me because I had and outburst and I feel really bad. I know I am not the best mom but I wish he understands that I want to be able to control myself and sometimes I just can't . He said to me tha I am crazy and should be institucionalized. I know he was angry but it hurt so much to hear him say that. I love my children and I will do everything for them.
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Postby PsyChris » Sat Dec 29, 2007 6:26 am

What are you thinking when you get angry? Does it happen suddenly for no reason or does it happen after you see something upsetting? (e.g. kid spills something on the carpet)

What do you feel like afterwards? Angry? Sad?

Does what your angry about make sense to you? Does it seem like you have to get angry to be understood or get your voice heard?
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Postby alondra » Sat Dec 29, 2007 6:41 am

Hi Psychris,
I don't think much about what has trigger the anger. Very fast I feel anoyed and start yelling. Today it was something really stupid: My husband threw away the box where the new roster came and I when I wanted to storage it for next year, I had nothing to put it in. He didn't even said sorry, he just said: "I guess I threw it away with all the other boxes." Then I started yelling at him at how he never asks me for throwing my things and then I even kicked his shoebox (he bought himself some new running shoes and still puts them in the box). My kids were a little bit worried and my older one asked me if I was angry with her. I kissed her and said that I wasn't, that I was angry with her daddy. I know I did bad. I know I overreacted but I don't understand why I cannot be more civil and why I always do this. I don't want my kids to be afraid of me and I don't want my husband to think that I am crazy although sometimes I act like I can't control myself. I do think that I resent my husband for some things. Stupidities but little things where I think he doesn't take my opinion seriously. I don't know if I am building this up unconsciously and therefore I have to yell about nothing. But in the other hand I feel really bad after behaving like this and remember clearly that my mother use to do it all the time and that as a child I feared her.
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Postby Yellowcoaching » Sun Dec 30, 2007 11:36 pm

Hi alondra,

This isn't about a box is it?

What are you really angry about?

You have touched on feelings of resentment and that you feel ignored a little by your husband, i think you should perhaps explore this further, find out what it is that's making you feel frustrated. When you can do that you'll be able to feel anger at times but express yourself better and come up with the resolution you need.

Anger isn't always a negative emotion, but how you express it and when can make it so.
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Postby PsyChris » Mon Dec 31, 2007 2:46 am

Hey alondra,

I'm glad to see you realize that the reasons for your anger are irrational. I think if you make yourself think about the real reasons you get angry it will help you work through it.

What I'm concerned about is the effect this has on you and your family emotionally. It could takes years of self-help before you learn to control your anger. Years that may put an unnecessary strain on your family. I think you would benefit from Mental Health Services in your community.

You seem to have some concerns about being labeled "crazy."

Mental Health Professionals have made a career of helping people. You are not crazy. As many as 7% of Americans experience Anger disorders characterized by rage.
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Postby beta » Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:35 am

Good points all around. Also, if you perfer a more self-help approach, I would try doing some research on zen. Zen, in a nut shell, is living your life in the moment and focusing on the present task. If your sitting, just sit. If your eating, just eat. Worry turns to fear turns to anger. Anger is a defensive technique, not an offensive one. Try to put events into perspective and realize that thing usually turn out alright.

I hope I have put my thoughts in a logical and understandable fashion, and if not, I appaulogize.

ps
yellowcoach, are you a psychologist?
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Postby beta » Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:36 am

Good points all around. Also, if you perfer a more self-help approach, I would try doing some research on zen. Zen, in a nut shell, is living your life in the moment and focusing on the present task. If your sitting, just sit. If your eating, just eat. Worry turns to fear turns to anger. Anger is a defensive technique, not an offensive one. Try to put events into perspective and realize that thing usually turn out alright.

I hope I have put my thoughts in a logical and understandable fashion, and if not, I appaulogize.

ps
yellowcoach, are you a psychologist?
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Postby beta » Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:38 am

woops, double post
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Postby Nancy Hoe » Tue Jan 01, 2008 8:26 am

Hi there

I don't know if this will of much help. i am talking on my own experience. Sometimes we can get angry with small small petty things for no reason at all. It could be anything from eg asking yr husband to perhaps help make the table and he just shove off as though he has not heard it and is not listening to what you are saying. We could having a hard day at home or at work.

When our moods are low, we feel very rejected or frustrated when the person we are talking is not reciprocating. We cannot understand why they are acting in that manner and this anger us escalates if left unchecked.

It will not be healthy to continue with these anger. Try to calm down and discuss with your husband about your fears; let him understand your fears and how you feel, maybe you have some insecurities deep inside you? Tell' him how you feel and let him know that you do not liked to be label 'crazy.

He should be able to help you through I believe.

Hope all work out for you.

Truly yours
Nancy
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Postby Yellowcoaching » Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:53 pm

HI Beta,
I'm not a clinical psychologist. I am a life coach by profession.
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Postby beta » Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:11 am

Cool. Actually, I am currently studying to get my doctorite in behavorial psychology. Not to far yet (just finished for semester of college), but every journey begins with the first step I suppose.
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Postby Butterfly12 » Wed Jan 02, 2008 7:13 am

I just had a similar experience over the holidays.

My mother was helping me to get something out of her storage shed while I was staying at her house. It turned out the broom was stuck behind some old junk.

I could tell she was about to have an outburst when it wouldn't come loose and told her to step back. She flew into a fit on cue, and instead of cowering like I did when I was little, I actually took hold of her shoulder and firmly pushed her back out of the way.

"Don't touch me" she threatened, which is the same thing she's said for thirty years when she's having a freak out.

"What are you going to do? Are you going to hit me?" This is what she used to say to my first stepfather, who was abusive.

"I'm bigger than you and I can move you out of the way," I warned in a serious voice. "You are acting inappropriately and embarrassing yourself and me in front of your neighbors and I want you to move back."

Every time she continued to huff, I just told her "You are behaving inappropriately. Other people may give in to this but I am not putting up with it!"

She threw up her hands in a huff and went in with a disgusted "I don't need this" guilt trip at me for stopping her.

Of course it worked, and I apologized later, but I explained that she was behaving like a child so I was forced to become the adult in the situation and stated again that her behavior was inappropriate.

My childhood therapist used to tell me I bottle my emotions, and I think it may be a backlash against having a mother who has such explosive hair-trigger outbursts. But that night I was able to fly it right back at her and I realized for the first time that the things she was saying to me were from scripts she used to play out with other family members, ie. parents and husbands.

She fled when I called her on her behavior.

Could it be that your outbursts are triggered by past arguments you've had with your other family members or your husband?

I handled my own programming by learning not to react at all in surprising situations, which I realize as an adult probably isn't so great either, but I think now maybe it was because I was trying so hard not to use the trigger responses that old repeating arguments encourage us to fall back into.

If something someone does makes you feel similar to how you felt in an argument before, stop yourself and see if you can think of a different response from the first thing that comes to mind. Generally the first thing you say is about the other person, while the second thing you say is more about yourself and how you came to feel that way. Then the other person has a clue what it's really about and can maybe help.

Best of luck!
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