Alcohol Induced Rage Is Ruining My Life

Postby HelpMeIAmInHell » Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:03 pm

I am a 23 year old woman, with a good job, great friends and a boyfriend who loves me. In the last 6 or 7 years something has changed within me and created a monster.. I am looking for other people who have or do experience the same thing and who can offer advice. I am a genuinely nice person with little ill intent towards other people but for some reason when I drink a lot I become this irrational, violent, stupid person I don't recognize. I have now finally reached the breaking point of humiliation and despair after hurting my friends and family this year on New Years Eve. I am so embarrassed because of my behavior I don't want to even face people at work. I know I need help, and am starting AA as soon as I can, but how to you begin to repair the damage thats been caused to the people you love, and your very soul. I need help... I could really use some advice from people. I have never posted anything like this on a forum before.
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#1

Postby daddymalony » Thu Jan 03, 2008 5:40 pm

are you an alcoholic? you are very brave to post here, i only joined the other day as i am addicted to cannabis. 22 years i have abused it for, and now i am quitting to make a better life for myself....... sounds a bit like you
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#2

Postby HelpMeIAmInHell » Fri Jan 04, 2008 2:07 am

I didn't think so until a few days ago. I mean, I knew there was a problem but I didn't realize how severe it was. I used to use pot a lot, way more than for plain recreation. The truth is, things seem innocent enough until they begin to change how you are perceived amongst family and friends and finally in the mirror. I think about this as being a positive thing. Even though it hurts like hell to realize this truth, I know it will lead me to my salvation. Thank you for saying what you did. The matter is, I needed to talk to people about this, and what better way than anonymously online.
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#3

Postby scupperstef » Fri Jan 04, 2008 2:31 am

Hi helpme, I am a 33 year old woman who has beaten alcohol addiction and is now dealing with a pot addiction. Having been where you are all I can say is that it is not going to be easy to repair the damage you have caused, but quitting the booze is the first step. I think a very good second step would be to swallow your pride and admit to them that you have a problem but you are taking steps to fix it. Apologise for your behaviour, but dont expect dramatic changes. People will wait to see if you are really doing something before they will trust you again. I will not lie to you and say it is easy because its not but if you are determined to stop it I am sure like me you will. All the best hon :)
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#4

Postby HelpMeIAmInHell » Fri Jan 04, 2008 3:02 am

well thanks for the advice. i know what you are saying is true. its just a sad and scary thing not to be an evil person but to become this thing and not understand why or how. in any case, i know that people eventually will understand and if not, then they aren't much of a friend anyway. i am 23 and i know if i don't do this now the rest of my life is in jeopardy. having people like you both, even if you are strangers... helps.

i know there are other people out there who have been through this. let me ask you one thing if you don't mind. ... what happened to you when you drank? were you violent, ignorant???
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#5

Postby scupperstef » Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:07 pm

I was evil under the influence. I insulted people, became loud, aggressive, violent and sometimes suicidal. My friends and family deserted me one by one as they could not get through to me at all. It got to the point where i would completely black out and forget huge chunks of what went on. When people told me what I had done I did not believe them as I had no recollection of it and it didnt sound even remotely like me in normal life. So they expected apologies but any I gave were insincere as I had no guilt about it as I had no memory of it!! I ruined so many family events that people stopped inviting me. A bit like you I knew I could not go on like it as I was in danger of losing everyone and everything to drink, that terrified me and made me want to change. I tried drinking in moderation but once I had drink in me all self control was lost and I would get blotto again, so I had to quit totally. It was the best decision I ever made and luckily for me it was not too late to repair the damage. Took everyone about a year to trust me, once they could see I was serious and it wasn't a "fad". By the way from the sounds of it you are not an alcoholic but a binge drinker, which is still a problem but not as serious as full blown alcoholism, which is where you could end up if you dont fix it now. I am sure you will do fine, you sound pretty sensible :)
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#6

Postby scupperstef » Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:09 pm

P.S you are not an evil person, you just have an problem with alcohol :)
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