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Isola Bella
Full Member
Joined: 12 Mar 2007
Posts: 210
Location: Scotland
Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:50 pm
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I entirely agree with Amy_77.
I feel exactly the same way as you. I have learnt that it's important to look after yourself as well, and to make time to be with friends or do your own thing. We cannot allow our lives to be governed by our messed up men.
Is it at all possible for you to haul him out, bit by bit? For example, my partner and I agreed that I should not take 'no' (or various excuses) for an answer when cajoling him into going for a walk with the dogs. It gives him a small purpose, and having purpose and structure can actually help a little.
Your husband is not a child. He is not, despite the depression, incapable. He also has a responsibility to make some kind of effort (even small ones) when it comes to you. Can you sit down with him and work out a plan, or a series of strategies for different situations that you both agree on. By making it a 'team' effort, perhaps it will remind him he is not alone, but it will also make it clear that he has a part to play too.
Keep talking to people (including your husband) about how you feel. Make an effort not to isolate yourself - you are an incredibly valuable woman. |
Odd Socks
New Member
Joined: 29 Feb 2008
Posts: 6
Fri Feb 29, 2008 6:50 pm
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I've just joined this forum after finding it when looking for information about citalopram, which my boyfriend has just been put on after being diagnosed with depression a couple of weeks ago.
I don't have answers to the above, but I know it can be a comfort just to have a support network of people who understand & you can rant to. Since my boyfriend was signed off work with stress last month, he's been really down, & it's been exhausting for both of us.
A bit of background knowledge, we've been together 5 years & lived together a year & a half. I'm not the easiest person to be around & can get pretty highly strung!
I've found it hard coming in from work to be ignored, to find he's been talking to other people about what's going on, instead of talking to me, etc. I'm kind of coming round to the fact that he will, in time, want to talk to me again, & I have to accept that his illness isn't all about me, that I have to consider how he's feeling over myself. Not in an unhealthy obsessive way, but realise that some of the things I say & do which he will have just brushed off in the past are making him feel worse.
I don't think you're selfish as all dragonfly. When someone's depressed, everyone makes a point to ask how that person's doing, & seem to forget about the person who's there at home looking after them, making sure they're eating, sleeping, etc. I think people forget it's not easy on us either.
Take care. |
Odd Socks
New Member
Joined: 29 Feb 2008
Posts: 6
Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:31 pm
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sorry, previous post should have said we've lived together 3 1/2 years & i'm too late to edit! |
jurplesman
Super Member
Joined: 21 Jun 2004
Posts: 10375
Location: Sydney, Australia
Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:02 am
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Living with a depressed partner makes it very hard for significant others. Depression is an illness that cannot be explained with the best will in the world.
But if you consider depression to be no more or less than a physiological illness, that prevents the body from producing feel good neurotransmitters, then it is easier to manage. It is NOT a mental illness, but a matter of ill-health.
Please read:
Depression is a Nutritional Disorder here
and ask to be referred to a nutritional doctor or a clinical nutritionist for help. |
Shane2573
New Member
Joined: 03 Mar 2008
Posts: 5
Wed Mar 05, 2008 4:56 am
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Hi Dragon
I have myself been depressed and had stopped communicating with my wife and can understand how you must be feeling. Reasoning and logic defies the way a depressed person reacts and its extremely frustrating for the person who has to bear the brunt.
I suggest that you try Meditation as i have undertaken the same and found a lot of positive energy in it |
giselle
Junior Member
Joined: 19 Dec 2007
Posts: 60
Wed Mar 05, 2008 7:18 am
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I too live with a depressed husband..........Every day is a continuing nightmare.............he has been on anti depressants for 9 months and his low mood has never lifted.9 months of living with someone constantly depressed is beginning to take its toll on me and the rest of my family..
Unfortuantly my husband suffers from phycotic depression so he also has times when his behaviour is quite bizarre and frightening............
At the start i was quite hopeful that his condtion would improve but i can honestly say i have lost all hope..........I am caring for and living with a stranger because my husband was lost to me a long time ago....The person i live with now i dont recognise and dont even like sometimes..........
We had only been married a year before he became ill and he never told me he had mental health problems prior to us getting married!!!
I feel cheated and very disappointed with how things have turned out......I have lost my best friend,my husband ,my lover.........everything............
It sounds like i dont care about my husband and i do.I care for him everyday and i love the memory of him and how he used to be......
I know he is ill and needs me, but he is so difficult.........Wont talk to me(but talks to others) refuses to set foot outside the house(hasnt done for 8mths) is lazy,argumentative,self indulgent and downright horrible....
I try to talk to him but he just gives me one word answers,normally barking at me...........
I run around after him all day long and never ever a word of thanks,never ever a cuddle...........
At some level he needs to start helping himself but will not take responsabilty for his actions at all..........
I dont know if i can take anymore of this......I have come to the point when i dread him waking up in the morning!!!
Please dont think badly of me and the way i am thinking at the moment.........Just had enough............ |
jurplesman
Super Member
Joined: 21 Jun 2004
Posts: 10375
Location: Sydney, Australia
Wed Mar 05, 2008 7:28 am
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Refer your husbands to
Depression is a Nutritional Disorder here
and they should be able to help themselves. |
preeya
New Member
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 1
Sun Jun 15, 2008 9:16 am
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| My husband has been diagnosed with clinical depression |
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Hi, im 25 years old and have been married for 3 years. We have been together for 5. I have a 1 year old baby and i feel so alone. For the past 2 years i have done everything. I havent really had much of a relationship with my husband as i have been walking on egg shells for such a long time I excepted his moods although they frustrated me and made me feel so insecure and angry. We have no emotional or physical relation ship and havent done for 2 years. I manage the house hold and almost feel like a parent. He doesnt like talking to me and in anger says how much he hates being with me. " months ago he told me he doesnt feel anything for me. He said there is no attraction. He also told me he has had suicidal thoughts. He was diagnosed with depression 2 weeks ago and has been taking anti depressants for 3 days. He trys with other people, to talk, to watch a movie etc but makes no effort with me. I want to support him because i love him but i miss him. I feel so alone. I just dont know what to do |
dfm9072
New Member
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 1
Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:12 pm
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Hello. I am so glad to found this site. It is nice to see I am not alone. Just yesterday I realized my husband is suffering from depression. We have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. Over the last year maybe even 2 he has been moody/poudy. He has gotten angry at me for the silliest of things. It is like walking on egg shells. We hardly ever have sex. He told me yesterday I piss him off constantly, even my existence pisses him off and can't even think of having sex with someone he can't stand. Now lets go run errands together!! HA I feel bad that he is sick and want him back. We never used to argue. People would want to model their marriage after ours. I feel myself withdraw from him probably because he has said such hurtful things. I am going to see a therepist. In the past I have metioned a marriage counselor but he said no way those people will just gang up on him.
Anyway feeling alone and confused. |
needlifeback
Preferred Member
Joined: 18 Oct 2007
Posts: 399
Location: Ground Zero
Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:50 am
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Would he be willing to exercise with you? I thought if you two got a gym membership together it might encourage him to exercise and this would help lift some of the depression and help his sleeping patterns regulate.
I am the depressed partner but I do a lot of things to try and dig myself out of it and one of them is exercising but I need my partner to do it with me. It's like our 'our' time.
You could try and start with regular walks.
He really has to want to help himself to get the motivation to start exercising. |
Dolphinboy
New Member
Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Posts: 1
Mon Jun 16, 2008 9:55 pm
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| Find supportive friends or family. |
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It is not at all selfish to feel like your needs are not being met by your depressed husband. When someone is unable to love themselves they don't have enough love to share around and you are in a relationship that is expected to be a two way street.
I would suggest talking to supportive friends or family members that you know you can trust with confidence as a way of releasing the emotional tension you're feeling. Even try writing down how you feel in a private journal, that helped me massively when dealing with past issues, i'm sure it will help with tension. Just find ways to express how you feel without placing too much strain on your husband.
Do not give up or have tantrums (not implying you would or are childish), especially if he is seeking help himself, perhaps look at elements of his lifestyle that may have negative implications to the way he feels, ie, diet, and suggest change but tread carefully because advice to someone that is unhappy could be considered a questioning of their ability to conduct their life thus making them feel worse.
If he has a particularly close friend or family member that can be trusted then perhaps give him the jist of the situation, the persons prescence may help enliven him knowing that other people care.
All the best defeating this problem. |
Isola Bella
Full Member
Joined: 12 Mar 2007
Posts: 210
Location: Scotland
Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:18 am
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This won't apply to the more extreme cases, but one of the things my husband and I do is to keep regular physical contact. It helps to maintain the connection between us, even when he is on a serious downswing (which he is at the moment).
For instance, if we are watching tv I give him footrubs - this helps to relax him, but it also uses a little reflexology to support him in calming down when he is anxious. It also helps to make him feel valued to an extent, and it connects us.
If I'm marking work (I'm a teacher) or I've handed him a cup of coffee or I just happen to be wandering past, I give him a brief version of indian head massage, or a shoulder massage.
He returns all this though (we agreed - you have to discuss these things and keep communication open, you're both adults after all), with shoulder rubs etc for me during quite times.
I've seen so many couples grow distant from one another, as many of you have expressed - limited sex, not even cuddles. It's a desolate feeling, where you don't feel valued, or even noticed, at all. I've experienced that too.
None of this is easy, our relationship isn't easy because we live so far apart. It definitly wasn't easy this weekend when we were together - his doctor changed his med from citralopam (which worked wonders for him) to sertraline, and he's back to obsessing over the smallest things (like where I park the car when going to the supermarket for gods sakes), and being sharp and anxious. Once he's come down from each of these episodes he apologies, but it's damn stressful.
If I could be there all the time, to share healthy meals with him (he's a great cook, but a little 'heavy traditional'), to go to the gym with him (as needlifeback suggested), to encourage him etc, I know his alleged depression would not have such a strong hold on him.
But his symptoms are not extreme, and he clearly has 'reactive' depression, rather than the clinical kind. If he was worse than he is (perhaps like giselle's man) I do not think I could cope. I don't think anyone should expect us to cope, and that includes ourselves.
Too much of our life is spent waiting. I don't think that's fair. But we're the ones who have a choice.
Shiny. |
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