Living with a depressed Husband

#45

Postby molly jenson » Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:27 pm

Hello, my fiance is suffering with depression. We have ben together for 19 years. I am finding it very difficult to cope with the mental attacks that I receive from him. I have told him that I am there for him but he needs professioal help and i will go with him.He replies to me that all he needs is for me to be loving towards him, this I can do except when he starts criticising everything I do and verbally abuses me, accuses me of having affairs, pushing him over the edge, passing the book by mentioning going to see a professional person. I don't seem to be able to say the right thing. Everything I say, he says the opposite. I can't understand half the things he says to me because everything I say he twists.We just had a telephone conversation, where he rang and asked me if I was there for him, I said that I was but he did need to speak to someone professionally and that I would go with him,straight away, I was blasted, accused of not wanting to help him, together with a string of calling me a few more unsavoury names and then within a matter of 15 minutes, he was back on the phone calm aas anything asking me to check somemthing for him. has anybody else been throgh tis with a loved one? How did you cope? How did you convince your partner that yoou were there for them?
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#46

Postby AureliaLove » Wed Mar 17, 2010 12:30 am

I made an entry on January 2010 and I have not visited this site since then. I am surprised to see the ongoing discussion on this most sensitive and delicate matter, living with a depressed husband. As I was reading the last entries, I found much similarities to our stories..one in which we feel deprived of love and attention. We are doing too much, carrying the load of raising a family, worrying about our husband, figuring out how to move our families forward into the life that we want for our families. A life of joy and growth, as women we intuitively want the best for everyone. We do so much, but at what cost?
We lose ourselves in this process of wanting and giving.
Since my last entry, something wonderful happened to me, I began to have an affair with myself. I began to do the things that brings joy into my life, I found joy in the things that have always interested me but I failed to do because I was worrying too much..doing to much. I read more about relationships and depression and also discovered alot about my weaknesses and my strengths in relationships...but more importantly I got my self-esteem back!!
My son and I have a healthier relationship as he sees a happier mom, who is confident in her abilities to make decisions and is enjoying life again.
I decided to file for separation papers as I moved out of state. Now he says he wants me and that he loves me..he says he sees a change in me and this makes him want to be a better man.
But I ask myself..How many times does one forgive? I forgave him for his porn addiction, although I am still working through certain personal issues because of it and Now I need to work through the pain of his affair? I ask myself..What about my self-respect? I am worthy of respect and loyalty. Yes. I am. I am worthy of a joyful life. Yes I am.
My husband is on new medication. Now this is his journey, his movement into finding out who he is and what he wants for himself and this includes making decisions and taking responsibility for himself.
Life yearns to move forward, we are not meant to be stagnant, our children suffer the most since they need an environment which stimulates physical, emotional, spiritual and mental growth, provide that space for yourself and your children.
Take care of yourselves, as mothers we are a reflection, a mirror for our children, what they see is vital to their well being.
With love and hope
AureliaLove
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#47

Postby braxton128 » Sun Mar 21, 2010 11:58 am

Hi everyone,

I stumbled across this website probably as a lot of people have in utter desperation, wanting to do something about the situation that I am in. I would firstly like to say thanks to everyone who has posted her already just to know a lot of the things I have experienced are common is a huge relief.

My husband and I have been together for 22 years and married 18 and have three children. He has clearly been depressed for some time but has only recently gone to the doctors about it. He would not accept that there was a problem, so at least on a positive note he has taken the first step.

My husband used to do a great job of looking after me, i never really noticed it but he was incredibly thoughtful, so the person that he has become is so different beyond recognition.

He has a female friend that he can 'talk' to, this has invariably caused a lot of problems, she is not without problems herself. He will call and text her literally all day long and I don't get any contact at all. Neither of them seem to be able to see that this in itself is having such a detrimental effect on our relationship.(She is attached) She encourages him to keep secrets from me and he has deliberatly done things i have asked him not to and lied and let me down so many times. She has had similar issues and while I appreciate that this may make it easier for her to understand, I am seriously worried that her negative outlook is not assist him in handling depression better. Obviously I also feel bitter that it is not me that he is asking to help him.

He can't take any medication for depression as it will interfere with other medication he takes.

He says that s all caused because he can't cope with family life at home, i am doing all I can to support him but it is really hard when i work full time and have the children to consider. I don't think he is accepting any responsibility for what is going wrong except when he is really really low . I have felt that it would be best to walk away many times. However if there is a hope that even half of my husband is still there under that illness i feel i should keep trying. But what of the damage to me and the children ?

Any tips for coping would be appreciated. Many thanks
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#48

Postby StrongWoman » Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:57 am

I was doing research on Depression trying to find answers to my husbands strange behavior over the past years, and I came across this forum. After reading the posts I came to realize that I'm not the only one dealing with this issue.
This is not a solution, but a way to vent to people who understand what I'm dealing with, and hope that someone else looking for answers will read this and feel a little less alone, as i do.
As I look back over the past 11 years of our marriage I should have seen this coming. We all think, at least I did, that love heals all. Unfortunately if my suspicions are correct no amount of love can cure a mental illness. It may in the short term, but ugly always comes back to haunt. I'm at the point in my life where I can't take any more of the hurt and mental stress it takes to live in the same space as him. I'm tired of him bringing me down to his level. I guess being pregnant for the second time I realize that I have to take care of me, because there is no one else to do it. What do you do? I can't just go up to him and say, "hey I think your depressed, and you should go get help". As we all know that would get turned around to be the other persons problem. Our situation is even more complicated because of my husbands job in the Army. Essentially he could loss his job if the right person found out he was being seen for Depression.
I have this feeling of loosing control and unable to touch ground. We have so much going on in our life right now as far as financial troubles, baby on the way, and relationship problems to boot. I don't know where to start or how it will end. I do know I love him with every fiber of my being, but right now I dislike who he is. I hate that feeling!
I wanted to say too that in no way am I perfect. I got my share of baggage too, but the difference is I deal with it and don't let things fester. Every thing seems to burden him. Things we have no control over, or I have control over. Sometimes I believe he honestly blames me for the way he feels. Like I can't do anything right no matter how you look at it. The funny thing is after many years I blamed myself for his behavior and mood swings, It just dawned on me that it can't possibly be all me. If I have tried my hardest to do everything I have learned to my best ability then why do we keep coming back to the same point?
In the end what I have learned is keep myself sane and well, and ride this out till I can find help somehow. Most importantly to stop blaming myself for all of this! I'm a beautiful, confident and intelligent person who does not deserve the way I'm treated, no matter the illness of not.
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#49

Postby Lonely Wife » Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:56 pm

I've been married for 16 yrs. If you can call it that. I didn't know he had any mental health issues while we were dating because it was a long distance relationship & we only saw each other twice a month. I knew something was wrong 2 weeks after our wedding. Now here we are 16 difficult years later. We have 2 children (1 has moved out the other is in high school) We always walked on eggshells around him. You never know what kind of mood he is in. There is absolutely no intimacy of any kind in this pretend marriage. He went off his meds again. He refuses to see anyone. He rarely leaves the house. he always looks a mess. I've waited & hoped & prayed & helped & took care of him all these years. i feel so hopeless & lonely. Why me? Why him? I just want to take my son & run away from home never to be heard from again. I don't think it would make a difference to my husband. The children & I have always been just pieces of furniture a part of the scenery. I have tried talking, begging crying etc. it's like talking to a wall. He literally turns his back to me & ignores me. Seriously, what is the point? Well, thank you. I guess I just needed to tell someone.
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#50

Postby sukie » Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:20 am

\find myself sitting in floods of tears, having stumbled on this site and registered now to talk to people who may be in the same sort of position as me. My husband was diagnosed with depression approx 10 years ago. He has just decided to stop taking his tablets as he feels ok and doesnt need them. (Citalopram) I am the victim of the most diabolical emotional abuse, on a daily basis. I have been told, in the past (in a row and fit of temper) that I am to blame for his depression. I have developed myself Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and am now facing grade 4 arthritis for which I require knee surgery, I also have it in my spine, very painful, and my kneck. I work as I have to pay the bills, even though I cry some days at the thought of having to go to work, I make myself carry on. I am exhausted! I tried this evening to encourage my husband out of the dowmward spiral I could see he was headed for because his work is drying up a bit, even though we are remortgaging to address the financial burden he is very negative in every way and very snappy...he accused me of being only interested in getting him back on his tablets to shut him up, when I showed a concern for his wellbeing. I have read posts on here in the last hour from other women in my situation and it was e releif to see I am not alone. I cannot explain 23 years in a short post, cant be done, it is all so complicated. Is it possible that he is not ill at all, just a changed man who sees me as some nasty person out to make his life a misery, tell him what to do, etc.? We no longer have any sexual relationship at all, havent done for years, at least 5, we havent shared a bedroom for the last 2 years. I started divorce proceedings last year after a particularly nasty verbally abusive row that turned physical, he left and rented somewhere for six months, but in the end we decided to try again. We wrote out a marraige saving plan and sets of vows to eachother, one by one over the last year they have been completely abandoned ! It seems maybe that trying again was the wrong decision. I am at a loss as to where to turn, what to think, how to think, I feel so very empty, battered and bruised. I dont recognise myself anymore, There was a post on here from STRONG WOMAN on 19th October who echoed a lot of how I feel most of the time, that was 11 years for her, I wonder how she is now? did things work out? Does anyone else out there have any words of advice on helping me retain my sanity, and reasons for carrying on ?
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#51

Postby esuzanne » Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:14 am

Hi.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. He was a lovely guy when we first met, full of life and always laughing. But I saw him coming under a lot of pressure from work, and from one day to another (now 9 days ago) he was in a deep, dark hell. I can't reach him. We don't live together (we were going to), but I spend the last 5 nights with him. He completely ignores me, yet he seems to want my presence. He doesn't ask me to come, I just tell him what time I will be there at night. If I ask him when I am with him if I should go home, I see panic in his eyes. So I stay. Unfortunately, last night I broke down. I am not sure he noticed though.

What do I do? Should I keep on staying with him every night, even though I am not entirely sure he wants me there, and, to be honest, it is very, very hard for me?
Can somebody please tell me what to do? I love him so very much..
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#52

Postby alteredgeisha » Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:29 am

[size=12]Hi....I found you all through google!!

I am 38 have been with my husband for 18 years and married for 10 of them. He had his first episode of anxiety/depression soon after we got together he was only 20 years old. I thought he was a bit immature and would grow out of it. Skip to 18 years later and life is one long constant round of depressive episodes.
I support him and love him and keep the kids out of way as all he does is sleep on a weekend. Just like many of you I feel like a single mum to my 8 and 3 year old. He never particpates in any family acticity and always has an excuse. I have stopped trying to get him involved and stopped trying to heal him as I know I can't do this for him (thanks to my recent breakdown I realised I take on too much of a burden)
Then out of the blue he says I don't want "this" life any longer.....I guess he means family and marriage..well I know he means marriage but he says he loves his kids. What makes me angry is what sort of a life does he suddenly want, I mean sh** we have had no life for the last ten years thanks to his illness..does he think he can walk on out into the wide world and suddenly get rid of his depression by getting rid of his burden of a family?
If I am the sole cause of his depression then I would gladly set him free as I would hate to think I have been responsible for this all these years.
Having read some self help books on marriage breakdowns none of them cover depression although one said to be patient with mental health problems but that is the problem I have been so patient I have lost my voice in this marriage and we all walk on tip toes. Not in fear of any violence just of tipping him over the edge. There are no hugs and cuddles and there haven't been for a long time, just silence. I thought things were improving with counselling but for him to make this decision to walk away I am shocked to the core by it. Is this the illness talking as he feels so low and unloved or is this just the sad end of a long marriage where the love got lost anyway. I wish I knew so that I could figure out how to fight to save my marriage. He has agreed to marriage guidance which is a start, unfortunately his revelations have made me ill again which is so sad for our kids who live in a house of silence.
He also has a new kind and understanding (female) friend who he texts at all hours of the day and night, he swears there is nothing going on but it cuts through my heart everytime I hear that phone bleep, we have never kept anything from each other in the past and neither of us have ever had an affair....is this depression buddy causing him to look at life differently I wonder?
[/size]
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#53

Postby lepetitefleur » Tue Feb 15, 2011 1:15 pm

I don't know if I'm happy I found this forum or not - I'm glad I'm not alone or crazy for the way I feel, but so sad that there are so many of us who feel this way.
My husband has a problem with his eye - sounds silly BUT it's really bad. Combine that with his hearing loss (since birth) and replaced hip, ankle & chronic headaches from a car crash of 20 years ago and then add a mid-life crisis and you have my depressed/suicidal husband.
One one hand I feel terrible that I can't help him feel better. I try to listen, try to get him to see the good things in his life, but as he won't get help nothing I do works.
On the other hand I feel so angry that he can be like this and not get help - what about how it makes me feel? And what about our boys (2 of them)? Why won't he try and do something so we can be a happy family again?
I feel like the person I married 6 years ago has died and a replacement look-a-like sent in. Who is this guy and how did he come to live with us? The man I knew was fun. We had a great laugh. We did fun things as a family, as a couple.
We no longer spend any time having fun... that is unless HE wants to. Even that is fine with me (as infrequent/inconvenient as it may be) but it always gets my hope up that this is the start of something better. That he is coming 'out of it' so to speak. But it never is.
Now he tells me that his life isn't worth living and things are only going to get worse? How can I not take that personally? How can he not understand that I and the boys are part of his life and we ARE something good?

It's amazing how much info can be found on supporting someone who is depressed (clinically or otherwise) but WHERE on earth are the support groups for the casualties in the wake of their self-destruction?
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#54

Postby qsafe10 » Tue Feb 15, 2011 9:49 pm

Dragonfly1975 wrote:Hi All,
I stumbled across this website tonight and thought it might be a safe place for me to say some things.

I'm 32 I have been married to my husband for 18months. He has been diagnosed with depression and is on medication.

I know this will sound terribly selfish and I welcome the back lash but I feel so lonely and unable to talk to anyone about this. We have no intimacy any more and communication is limited and I feel like I am living with a stranger.

I feel selfish that I am hurt because my needs are not met and I feel angry that I spend to many Friday nights alone and crying because he is sleeping so much. I love my husband so much but feel like he is slipping further away from me everyday. I don't know what to do, I miss his voice, his touch and I just miss the man I fell in love with.

Does anyone else feel like me?

Linda.
:(

Your story is trange and strong. If he is under medication great. Reminding the old souvenirs may be a great opportunity to forget the problem while you are waiting for his back. Do not forget this is not his fault being like that, but the nature one. Be pacient. Do everything with love and the same appreciation you had for him before. Be confident, calme everything will be ok. If you can be in good, educated friend's company hang out. Go to the movies you will get your love back
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#55

Postby londonmum » Tue Mar 22, 2011 11:44 pm

I have never used a message board before but here goes.

My partner is depressed. We have been together 8 years and have three wonderful children. He is so negative, gives us all bad looks and the silent treatment, is constantly disapproving and when I try to talk to him he either says everything is fine and its my imagination or blames everything on me, I haven't said good morning in the right way, I haven't been nice enough or responsive enough etc etc.

I am responsible for doing everything, shopping, cooking, finances, housework, DIY, gardening, children, homework, and I work. The only thing he does do is work, which is good as that helps support the family. He doesnt like anyone, doesn't want anyone to come over to our house, he doesn't like my family, or his, who are wonderful and worried about him. I try to arrange things he enjoys, like going to the football or out with friends, but he always states after he has had a bad time or complains. I never get to go out as he is never willing to look after the children, I have not had a day to go shopping or see friends since our daughter was born 6 years ago. If we go anywhere he acts really irritated, I spend all my time treading on eggshells and nervous. In fact that is how I feel all the time I am with him, and it makes me snappy with the children which I hate.

When he is out I have a great time with the kids, but when he comes back I am nervous and tense. I used to be a very sociable person, always busy, enjoyed new challenges and experiences, but now I do nothing. I stopped seeing my friends a long time ago because he didnt like them, and dont go out to the gym or have time for myself because he always subtly sabotages it by being late from work, or making a big fuss just before I am meant to go out.

2 weeks ago I persuaded him to see our GP and he was diagnosed with severe depression and started on certalopram. He didnt want to take it but to his credit he has done so. It has not made any difference so far. The GP wants him to increase his dose but he doesnt want to and hasnt picked up his new prescription.

I understand about depression, I know he is having a horrible time. I must be non-demanding, non-confrontational, kind, understanding, empathic etc. I feel terrible because I want to be kind but I cant stand being around him. He has let me down so much and so often, he wont make an effort for me or the children, he constantly blames me for everything, his bad mood is always because I am not nice enough, not good enough, and he has been this way for years. I do everything for him and our children and he cant see it. W are so lucky to have wonderful children, good jobs, a lovely house, great friends, but he dislikes everything. I would love to come home after work just once to a meal, or for the washing or homework to be done. Even on my 40th birthday I got no card or gift after always making his birthdays so special. I just feel that I want more for myself, I dont want fireworks but just need someone to be kind to me, and this is causing me to try to avoid him as much as possible which I am sure is making things worse for him.

I am starting to give up hope, but am so scared of what would happen to him if I asked him to leave, and how it would affect our children. I want him to get better, but am scared of what his depression is currently doing to our kids. I dont want my daughters to grow up thinking that our relationship is normal, that all men act like this, or my son to internalise a depressed male role model.

Its horrible - what can I do?
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#56

Postby aranpolk » Mon Apr 04, 2011 7:19 am

Do you sell banner ads on this site?
If yes, impressions or clicks?
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#57

Postby ehatton » Wed Apr 06, 2011 1:55 pm

I stumbled upon this forum when I googled "depressed husband lost job".

That pretty much sums up my situation. My husband has always been anxious and moody, but ever since we found out we were having our daughter (now 8 months) he just spiraled into a deep depression full of anger, mood swings, heavy drinking, and irresponsibility. He stopped managing our finances, and in February just stopped going into work. We both work in finance and we both have to work at this point to pay the bills and accomplish what we want to financially. I now don't know what we are going to do because he doesn't seem very motivated to get a job, I feel like a single parent, and he's not only depressed but also angry, snappy, jealous, insecure, I just can't take it. It is making me miserable. I feel like I have said good bye to the life I wanted so much, a house, a family, being a stay at home mom eventually (which he wanted too). He told me that since he found out we were having a child he feels trapped and that he will never have the life he wanted of no responsibility etc. We are 26 and 27, not 16 and pregnant. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. I will not enable someone to sit at home drinking and being depressed. And I won't have my daughter grow up around it with a miserable mom. Is anyone else considering leaving?
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