You gave me a lot to think about in your last reply, its strange, i've never been in a position where i have been made to think ouside of the world i have created for myself, i have given advice and been given advice, but nothing that makes me think outside of myself.
I always assumed or pushed i supposed that my lack of verbal communication was due to my inability to socialise with others, but you are right i feel safer writing because i am in control, i can show people what i want and i can edit my text at anytime. I suppose i do need to feel control, i was anorexic when i was much younger and suffered with OCD. Thats all about control i suppose, but i don't understand why i still feel so out of control, if everything i do is about control.
I won't kid you tom, my answers are undefined, i'm not ready to see things that i know i have to if i want to move on, i can't accept that anyone other than me is bad. If i had the choice i would love to draw a line under everything, i feel confused, i lack clarity, i feel the need to punish myself over and over but i can't tell you why, i feel maybe the memories i have blocked are of me doing something really bad, that i am not willing to acknowledge myself. If i have no one to trust then who am i?
I'm stuck, i am always stuck and i have to find a way out, i have to, otherwise my life is static and untolerable. I have spoken more candidly to you than to any other person, i suppose you're safe too. I appreciate your time and thoughts but i understand if you feel you shouldn't reply.