Hey everybody, I know this is going to sound a bit like a joke, but my messiness has got to the point where it's beginning to affect my life.
I've always been untidy, ever since i can remember, everywhere I've been has been a mess. One of my earliest memories was a primary school teacher telling me off for getting the paints everywhere and being told off for spilling flour on the floor of the cookery room. I didn't even realise I had.
I'm now 27, and everywhere i go, I make mess. My boyfriend has told me that as I'm so untidy that he'd never move in with me and it hurts a bit.
If i make coffee in an area at work, somebody will come over even as i'm making it, before i get a chance to clear up and start wiping up the sugar and closing all the cannisters and it makes me angry. Even my best friend has told me he'd never live with me because of my cleaning. It's something that's always been a joke, and i've always laughed it off with sarcastic comments and quips and acted it up sometimes for comic effect, but in truth it really worries me, and embarrasses me and i just want to be like everybody else.
My mother is fairly messy but she draws the line at the kind of mess i make, she tells me that i sit in filth and dirt that its beyond mess. She always says that i'll never have a nice house and i live like a pig, and i want nice things but somehow my stuff always gets mixed up and messy and disorganised. Looking down now, the carpet in my room is dirty- i don't know how even, i don't know why its so dirty. It's almost like i don't realise i'm doing it. if i eat, there will be crumbs on the floor, if i smoke, ash not in the ashtray, if i drink, the mug will drip, if i get out of the bath, the floor will be sodden.
Mum tells me i'm "just like my father" something i've always laughed about, but i think i am. my dad had a habit of making mess everywhere he went, if he sat down in a chair, hed manage to spill his tea, or drop ash down it, or get tobacco everywhere. Going out for a meal, gravy was splattered all over the table. If he had a new watch, within a day it'd be ruined or scratched, he contstantly broke his glasses, or sat on them or scratched them and his car was like a rubbish dump.
I can't explain it, and i don't know why i'm like it. I'll even amaze myself. i'll go to somebody's house and sit on the bed or something and look in my bag. i'll get up and somebody will go " you've messed the bed up, look at it! you've dropped stuff out of your bag, and your shoes are on the floor, you've trod dirt in!" but to me i wont even notice its happened. I feel like its something in my brain, like i can't seem to do, or see, or act like other people must do.
I don't understand people who are really clean and neat, it must be like they think about cleaning all the time, it seems to me like it must be always at the forefront of their mind. I find myself getting angry with people who criticise my cleaning. If i think back then sometimes my father would get angry and force me to clean up, and i associate cleaning with perhaps being forced to do it, and i used to get angry that he'd have a go at me, when he was messy himself. My ex boyfriend told me to change when we lived together and i tried to, but i couldnt do it well enough, there was still mess everywhere and he started to shout at me about it and i got aggressive back, because i was trying, but i found it really frustrating. Even if i cleaned, i'd do it wrong, or i'd try and sponge the carpet and it'd end up worse. It's just like i'm really clumsy. I wish i wasn't like i am, but i am.
i find it really hard to pick up after myself, and even if i try to focus on tidying or keeping something clean, minutes later its covered in mess again, or another area is messy. I'm unhappy with the way i am, but i don't know how to change and it upsets me to think that the people who love me wouldnt even live with me. What can i do?