wishy washy boyfriend

Relationships and families - wonderful when they're working, distressing when they're not.

Postby Lakotagirl » Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:05 am

I'm in a new relationship for more than a month now. My boyfriend gives me wishy washy feelings. He tells me one thing and then tells me another. I adore this guy and this guy, so he tells me, adores me too. He told me that he started to like me when I started working at the company that I work at that was about 6 months ago. My coworker tells me that every single day he doesn't stop talking about me since the first day I worked there. Since we started being together I see him at work and then we spend the weekends together. I'm going to be putting in my notice from my job soon and its not because of him but for other reasons but I think that it would be good for this relationship anyway.

We do spend a lot of time together but all the times that we see each other after work its at his request. I've asked him more than once if seeing me everyday at work, after work, and on the weekends is a little bit too much. He tells me no and even if I tell him that I'm going home and I think that we need some space he begs me to come home with him so I do. If I do decide to go home he texts me, calls me, and says I don't understand why you went home i miss you. If I do go home with him after work he tells me that I should have packed overnight clothes.

Well today, he went to the store while I waited in his room for him to get home and he texts me while at the store to get naked. So when he gets home from the store he tells me, "I feel like you're smothering me" I ask him what he means and he says, "We spend every weekend together, everyday and we never fight and it freaks me out. I'm not used to not fighting in a relationship this is a first for me. We have sex a lot and its freaking me out." So I start to put my clothes on because I felt stupid and humiliated for being there naked. Then he asks me what are you doing and tries to give me a kiss and I tell him that I felt stupid for being there naked and what he told me just ruined the moment and I was going home to give him his space. He tells me, "I don't want you to go home I want you to stay I don't want things to change between us I like the way that things are so don't leave I do things for you because I want to genuwinely do them for you." I tell him that I'm going to go home at about 3pm and he says leave at 5pm and I said we'll see. Then he tells me I wish I never told you how I felt and that I'm acting weird I tell him that it is good that he tells me how he feels because I know where he is at. So he cuddles me until 3 o'clock rolls by and I tell him that I'm going to go home and he gives me this big teddy bear hug and says I don't want you to go. I ask him why and he looks at the ground and I tell him, "is it because you think i'm not going to ever talk to you again," and he looks at me and says yes and that he thinks that things are going to change between us by not wanting to see him all the time. I tell him that I'm leaving on good terms and that things won't change. So then after I get home and a couple of hours later he tells me, "I miss you I don't know why you ever left." I tell him its because I'm giving you your space and he's just quiet and doesn't say anything. Later on he keeps texting me that he misses me and he can't stop thinking about me and that he is crazy about me.

I'm confused about I don't know what he wants from me.
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Postby Hed Kandi » Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:33 am

Hi Lakotagirl,

This must be driving you nuts! There doesn't seem to be any reason for your bf to act in this manner especially if things are going well and it seems he's creating "phantom" problems, things that are not even there or really have to real grounds to complain. It could be one of a few things:

a) He's not used to a relationship where things are going so well (as he's already said), so therefore find's it hard to express or vent any frustations in fear of damaging the relationship

b) He's hit a comfort zone whereby doesn't feel that there's a threat to the relationship, eg, he doesn't have to work hard to get what he wants and how he wants it, as you said he does things pretty much in his terms and on his request, it feels too simple.

He seems to react the moment you're not in sight or easily reachable, it seems like it's a challange to him because the moment you either leave to go home or you are at a point where you're not easily reachable he almost starts to doubt things and requires an extra assurance that he's still got you in his "control", or on his terms.

I believe that's why he keeps saying he feels "smothered", I think he means that there's no "challange" there that he's able to run things how he wants them to.

Perhaps don't allow him this freedom to monopolise the relationship in this way, I think he needs to understand that some things have to be on your terms as well.

I hope this makes some sense, I just feel you've been too giving here, he's very lucky to be honest!

Take Care
Danny.
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Postby PoppyGoodWill » Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:49 am

I see this a bit differently than HedK. I think he's crazy about you and he's getting attached to the point that his insecurities are coming out.

You know, when you're so attached to someone that you start to fear something will happen and they'll go away? In this case it sounds like he's worried that once you get to know him better, your feelings will cool. And because he's worried, he's getting clingy, or he seems to try to back you off and then switches again, confusing you.

I put it all down to his insecurities. Perhaps it's time for a 'state of the nation' chat, wherein you tell him just how much he means to you and also that you want to keep a balance in your life by seeing him and your friends and so on.
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Postby King777 » Mon Aug 11, 2008 6:38 am

Very odd situation indeed. I don't agree or disagree with either Poppy or Hed k. No one knows what his problem is except him however.

Definitely try a 'state of the nation' talk though, let him know whats going on. It's interesting that he does the smothering yet he says he's smothered than he texts you saying he misses you, why did you leave.

I would try the next time he wants to hang out on the weekend say no. Make plans to do something without him, say you want to be with a friend, don't let him come. See how he reacts. I'm not trying to cause a fight or sabotage your relationship but being a month in i'd be worried about his actions.
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Postby Twenties » Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:37 am

Well first of I completely disagree with Hed Kanti; I don't understand his message at all (no offence!). Maybe he still had another thread in mind? Anyway I would say he sends you perfectly clear messages that he likes/loves you. I am not quite sure why you think he's being wishy-washy.

The thing about the incident you described when you went home after the text - that was probably just a communication issue, from my point of view anyway. I can see how he meant to say something nice, but instead he formulated it all wrong and you heard it in the wrong way. If you look past the words and read a little between the lines, what he told you then could well be understood as a compliment.
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Postby gomen » Mon Aug 11, 2008 4:42 pm

he sounds really insecure.
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Postby zae50jc » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:16 pm

Hi Lakotagirl,

I read twice your email and I paid attention to my feelings rather than my thoughts, so it might not make sense what I am going to tell you:

"We do spend a lot of time together but all the times that we see each other after work its at his request." - feels like he is a little uncomfortable with himself. When you are not there he is bored, he feels kind of empty.

We spend every weekend together, everyday and we never fight and it freaks me out. I'm not used to not fighting in a relationship this is a first for me. We have sex a lot and its freaking me out." Means to me "you are too submissive, I haven't been in a relationship with a woman who always does what I ask her to do. You become boring and I am the type who needs challenges and excitement.

"is it because you think I'm not going to ever talk to you again," - He thinks he might not talk to you again. He feels like you are not too much challenge but fears that without you, his life it will be even more boring.

He looks quite skilled in distracting you and hopping you out from a discussion that is not within his comfort zone. I would suggest to have a conversation with him about things that bother you, but not in person or on the phone. Send him an email and ask your questions clearly: "What did you mean by that?", "Why did you do that?", "What are your intentions?", .....
Make clear that you will not spend time with him until you get your answers.

I hope my opinion helps,
Michelle
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Postby Lakotagirl » Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:24 pm

I don't consider myself submissive but easygoing. Plus, he comes from a culture where men tend to be the dominant one and I'm okay with that he doesn't beat me or anything.

I saw him at work today and he told me that we need to talk. When we both got free time we talked and he told me that his roommates heard our entire argument. He told me that his roommates asked what he was doing and told him that everytime he enters a relationship he starts to create stuff when things are pretty good. He has a habit of doing that. It goes back to his own insecurities. He told me that he knows my feelings for him come from a sincere place and he started to feel this is too good to be true and he panicked and that he does not want me to change.

I asked him if this really him talking or his roommates talking. He said that it was him talking and the things that he wants from girl in a relationship I provide for him and he wants me to be myself. He tried to get me to come home with him today but I didn't go and he wants me to spend the night tues. and wed. because he is going out of town this weekend. I still haven't decided yet what I am going to do.
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Postby Hed Kandi » Mon Aug 11, 2008 9:11 pm

Lakotagirl wrote: He tried to get me to come home with him today but I didn't go and he wants me to spend the night tues. and wed. because he is going out of town this weekend. I still haven't decided yet what I am going to do.


Hi again,

If you don't feel comfortable or you are still undecided about staying then maybe you shouldn't go on this occasion until things are resolved and that the tension isn't so high right now because perhaps the chances are that the tension will continue throughout your stay. Maybe have another chat with him, on the phone. I think the last thing you both want is to spend the time together arguing or having to be in an atmosphere. He certainly needs to discuss with you why he's questioning the fact that you both get on so well, although I can understand that when something does go well you wonder why that actually is and start questioning it, is it because you're doing something right or maybe not doing something right and the other person just tends to overlook it? If you are both happy then you both need to know you are and then carry on with having a great relationship.

Danny.x
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Postby lilly212 » Mon Aug 11, 2008 10:58 pm

I think maybe these things were building up and building up in his mind maybe, and it just came out at a really inapropriate time. im sorry to hear, that must have been a bit intimidating. im the kind of person, when i have something on my mind, i'll say it, there and then, but hes obviously just not one of those people. do you have in depth converations with him? maybe arguing is the only way he knows of to sort things out, and hes clueless now, as he knows its not in your nature, and he's struggling to find any other ways. has he been in any long term relationships before? that could maybe be the problem?
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Postby satanstoystore » Tue Aug 12, 2008 2:57 am

He warps reality and his world depends on you. How exactly do you intend to help him genuinely become whole under those circumstances? He needs to do the changing. And I think you're too close for him to get help from you. Is he native?
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Postby King777 » Tue Aug 12, 2008 5:15 am

satans right the man need to change, this is after a month and he wants to be with you all the time... thats not right
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Postby zae50jc » Tue Aug 12, 2008 3:04 pm

"I don't consider myself submissive but easygoing". Sorry to correct you, but the opposite of submissive is dominant not easygoing. In a relationship is healthy to be submissive some times or in certain aspects and dominant other times or in certain aspects.

"he comes from a culture where men tend to be the dominant one and I'm okay with that he doesn't beat me or anything" - maybe you revise this belief. Even if he doesn't beat you, in time he can hurt you emotionally pretty badly. Maybe you do some thinking and decide on some limits. For example, if you say "I am ok with anything but I will leave if he beats me" - you set yourself up for lots of nasty things. Can he cheat on you? Can he insult you? Can he dump you when he thinks he found someone more interesting and then come back after he realizes he was wrong?

Please, never let someone else's problems to distract you from finding out who you are and deciding what you want.
If you didn't ask yourself what do you want to get from a relationship, take some time now and figure out tha answer. I think it is very important.
Then asses the relationship you are in, see if it is really what you want. Spend time on planning on how to get what you want from the relationship, believe me it is not selfish.

If you are not happy in the relationship, it is pretty hard to make your boyfriend happy, even if you love him.
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Postby thefool » Tue Aug 12, 2008 4:37 pm

Sounds like he can't handle the idea of being with you. I don't know of any other way to put it really...

Some guys, they know they want a girl, they'll make a big deal out of it and then either succeed or fail, mostly fail but when they do succeed, it's like a whole new dimention opens up where suddenly this fantasy becomes a reality, and they just can't deal with it. They'll try to stay rooted in their own mindframe, but the idea of this new relationship, or maybe the idea of losing it, just overwhelms them and they start to freak out.

I think deep down he doesn't feel like he deserves you or just that he's not used to dating someone like you, so he just feels like he's on borrowed time, and with that idea comes a lot of self sabotagebecause he's going to step outside himself in order to please you... which essentially comes down to weird, quirky, unpredictable behaviors.

So what can you do? Not much i think... just stay true to yourself. Act as you feel like acting... if you don't feel like giving him space, then don't, if you do feel that way, then do, etc. All in all, i wouldn't take the curveballs he throws very seriously because they are most likely just tantrums.

All in all there isn't much you can do. Either he'll start to relax soon, or he won't and he'll most likely sabotage the relationship and push/scare you away.

This is all just my opinion of course, and i could be wrong, but from what you said I see a lot of this kind of behavior in guys who aren't firmly rooted in their own lives/identity.
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Postby Lakotagirl » Wed Aug 13, 2008 1:18 am

He's not native. He is not emotionally, physically, or verbally abusive. It's just this thing that we hit in the road in our relationship. When I say dominant I don't mean abusive I mean that in his culture men tend to make all the decisions regarding the finances and other things and women take more of a home role. His family is old-fashioned traditional and so men and women take on more traditional roles and I'm okay with that. I think that it can seem abusive if you come from a culture where that is not the norm.

So I shouldn't take the curve balls that he says seriously. I think that it is hard to get out of the back of my mind that he might be a little too used to me. I honestly don't know where our relationship is headed because I do like the guy.
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