Are Some People Meant to be Born Losers/Failures?

Postby lurkermiss » Sun Nov 30, 2008 6:13 am

I'll use myself as an example - I'm a very tall female, overweight, and cannot sustain a one-person audience if I tried (read: BORING conversationalist). I'm not socially intelligent or 'bright' in general, have said some ditsy things, can be scatterbrained, cannot drive a car even though I'm over 21. I lie to cover my inadequacies. I don't know much about current events. Don't have a hobby (and cannot seem to garner motivation to get one even if I want to) or any discernible talent. To put it bluntly, I AM an empty vessel. I don't have that many friends, and the ones that I have do not have me in their priority lists.

I'm not really lovable, although I go out of my way to be pleasant and helpful to people. Most people would describe me as just a random, obese nice girl if they wanted to give compliments.

I'm not the best dresser, and I cannot say that my physical traits attract friends and others (never had a boyfriend, but lie that I've had one, making up imaginary love dilemmas and so on). Thus, I ask, am I just meant to be a wallpaper? Why do some people find it easy to be confident, fashionable, graceful, likable, competent, talented, beautiful, beautiful on the inside, funny, witty, sarcastic, and why do others don't? This is an honest, heartfelt question that has been the bane of my sanity- I've been depressed, and have considered running away from everything and everyone and starting my life all over again. Of course, I know that can't be possible.

Be truthful, after all, we ARE on the internet. Is it so that the term "born loser" isn't just an old wives' tale?
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#1

Postby Olya » Sun Nov 30, 2008 7:11 am

I really don't believe that we're born a certain way. It would be too easy to blame it all on fate. You do have the power to change every minute of the day, and it starts with developing the appropriate attitude.

Being "unlovable" isn't an innate trait. An alternative to lying to yourself and others in order to appear "better" would be to make things better. You mention your weight several times. Is it something genetic, thyroid problems? It seems to be a big deal to you, and weight is something that can be easily changed no matter your genetics. Actually, most of the things you mention aren't innate either. Talent and competence are developed: practice makes perfect. Beauty and grace: you have to work for them. Fashion? It's cultural: you have to learn it. As for being funny and sarcastic, frankly I wouldn't know; I was born that way.

Edit: I'm not being insensitive to depression, it's just that I don't believe in the loser gene.
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#2

Postby joanne23 » Sun Nov 30, 2008 12:19 pm

I agree with Oyla's response, I too don't believe that we're born a certain way. To be very honest, there is no quick fix, no instant feel better methods, but you can do a few things to improve your situation and it might get you to a place where you feel better about yourself. You are not a loser. Say it to yourself, everyday, till you believe it.

Do fun things. No point waiting for life or love to happen to you. Make friends, take up a new hobby, backpack, join a club, join a church, change your outlook on life, do something scary or brave, expand your horizons. It's going to have to be you, who changes your life.

All the very best to you!
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#3

Postby precious007 » Mon Dec 01, 2008 4:25 pm

No they are not. I think the only one responsible are them. The future is more likely to be in your hands and not other`s..
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#4

Postby thefool » Mon Dec 01, 2008 10:04 pm

I think believing in innate loser/winner traits are both self fulfilling prophesies. Ie if you believe in it and you FEEL like a loser, guess what you'll end up being? Or if you believe in it and FEEL like a winner, same story.

I don't think it has a very positive connotation either way. If you're part of the 'loser' camp then obviously it's not healthy for you, and if you're part of the 'winner' camp then that seems to be like an open door towards blatant and obnoxious arrogance to be honest.

The 'idea' that we are mere bystanders of our own fates, imho calls up a sense of repulsion, an unwillingness to accept the idea, or a bitterness in submitting to it, perhaps even anger in some cases (frustration maybe?).

The question is... why do you believe it? I mean this going to sound really stupid but perhaps it has just never even occurred to you that you can 'make a change', that you can learn new things, and that you can practice something you are not good at, to become better at it.

Some people have innate talents sure, perhaps it is just that they are passionate enough about something to persist where others give up, to be diligent where others become careless, or perhaps the matter is a biological difference, height, weight, muscle density, innate and profound sense of creativity, etc...

Whatever the case, and these talents aside, at the end of the day 'practice makes perfect' is a perfectly accurate statement.

You list a number of things you dislike about yourself... so i guess the ultimate question would be, why aren't you changing those things into something you DO like?

To answer your question succinctly... No, i don't believe in born losers... at all.
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#5

Postby RedBlusher989 » Tue Dec 02, 2008 2:50 pm

This is absolute nonsense, no one's born a winner or loser, they make themselves so.

In fact I remember reading this book once, think it was Freakonomics. A man had two sons and obviously he was a bit strange as he named one of his sons 'Winner' and the other son 'Loser'. Guess what happened?

Not what you'd expect actually. The one called 'Winner' actually turned out to be a real loser, couldn't hold down a job and was constantly in and out of prison. Where 'Loser' was a successful businessman with his own company.

What you focus on you'll end up becoming.
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#6

Postby Pandora1151 » Tue Dec 02, 2008 4:59 pm

lurkermiss,

First of all, (((HUGS))).

Others have given you a lot of valid advice. I'd like to add a couple of things.

I know from experience with a hormone disorder that losing weight is not always easy. It took me about a decade to find a doctor who could pinpoint all the different issues I have relating to my weight (hormones, thyroid, candidiasis). The key is not to give up if it's important to you.

People are not "born" losers, but they can be born into situations that influence them to be losers. Another person pointed out that if someone calls you a loser your whole life (or if you call yourself a loser), then it becomes like a self fulfilling prophecy. I agree.

My advice is to become friends with yourself before you try to make more friends and to love yourself before you try to love a man. I know that sounds really generic and cliche but if you think about it, it makes sense. If you are too critical of yourself, you will be too critical of others. Being lovable is not something you can learn to do - it comes from loving yourself. When you love yourself, it makes other people want to love you as well. It's all in the way you carry yourself. When someone compliments you, do you look them in the eye and say thank you or do you disagree with them? If someone tells you that your new outfit looks good on you, can you say thank you without adding something about your weight? Keeping a journal helps you get to know yourself better and it will reveal patterns in your thinking. One of the very first things I learned was to just say thank you. I used to keep track of how many times a day I said it. Once you learn to receive compliments, you can move on to sincerely giving them. Everything becomes easier from there.
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#7

Postby Indiefinch » Tue Dec 02, 2008 9:57 pm

Pandora made a great point. You must love yourself first. You mentioned your weight many times, that may be a great starting point. See if you can drop some weight, and who knows you may feel more accomplished and that can lead to other changes.
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#8

Postby actone » Wed Dec 03, 2008 8:28 am

Hey babe,

First of all, look at this.. you HAVE sustained much more than a one-person audience. This one here is not the first, but eighth, post in reply to yours. I know, the internet is much different than real life, but this has to count for something. I felt compelled to reply since I personally know where you're coming from, to a degree.

I believe that no one can truly change your mind about yourself. Someone may come along and say something to inspire you, but the work to feel better and live better is, like it or not, in your own hands and heart. No one can truly convince you that you are as worthwhile as the rest of us. It has to come from within you. It's a hard war to be fought but you're really worth it. Imagine this: something happens while you're in line paying for groceries that makes you laugh, and the local grocer guy comments on how you have a nice smile (or any other compliment). Would this make you feel better? Maybe for the rest of the day? Would you doubt his intentions? Counter with a criticism? Or would you smile and move about your day.

The point about being an empty vessel, damn that never feels good. Here you are on a forum searching for answers, that is evidence to me that the vessel is clearly not empty. And no, I could never look at a baby and say, this one's a goner.
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#9

Postby goodison hopeful » Fri Dec 05, 2008 9:28 pm

lurkermiss wrote:I'll use myself as an example - I'm a very tall female, overweight, and cannot sustain a one-person audience if I tried (read: BORING conversationalist). I'm not socially intelligent or 'bright' in general, have said some ditsy things, can be scatterbrained, cannot drive a car even though I'm over 21. I lie to cover my inadequacies. I don't know much about current events. Don't have a hobby (and cannot seem to garner motivation to get one even if I want to) or any discernible talent. To put it bluntly, I AM an empty vessel. I don't have that many friends, and the ones that I have do not have me in their priority lists.

I'm not really lovable, although I go out of my way to be pleasant and helpful to people. Most people would describe me as just a random, obese nice girl if they wanted to give compliments.

I'm not the best dresser, and I cannot say that my physical traits attract friends and others (never had a boyfriend, but lie that I've had one, making up imaginary love dilemmas and so on). Thus, I ask, am I just meant to be a wallpaper? Why do some people find it easy to be confident, fashionable, graceful, likable, competent, talented, beautiful, beautiful on the inside, funny, witty, sarcastic, and why do others don't? This is an honest, heartfelt question that has been the bane of my sanity- I've been depressed, and have considered running away from everything and everyone and starting my life all over again. Of course, I know that can't be possible.

Be truthful, after all, we ARE on the internet. Is it so that the term "born loser" isn't just an old wives' tale?


I'm sure you are being just a little bit too hard on yourself.

You don't have to be of a particular size or intelligence to be great. How do you measure intelligence anyway?
In my book, being pleasant and going out of your way to help people is a rare quality these days.

You don't have to be a vogue cover girl to attract the right man and the first step I would suggest is to start loving yourself, rather than putting yourself down.

As someone who suffers from depression I can sympathise with you as it can be a vicious circle. But promise yourself that tomorrow you will start on that successful journey by repeating to yourself a couple of positive statements to yourself about your qualities and take greater pride in yourself by possibly buying a new dress.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Best of luck.
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#10

Postby bornloser » Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:39 pm

Wow, we are exactly a mirror image of each other cept for that im a guy. Im 26 jobless living with my parents and cant even drive a freaking car. I can actually count how many friends I have with my fingers. I am a total bore when it comes to talking to people. Meeting new people scares me. Though Im not overweight, I'm just a pathetic pencil of a man. It doesnt help when Im wearing spectacles and my eyes are slits as I am a asian. As with motivation to do anything, I can say its absolutely zero. In my resumes I just lied about me enjoying reading and sports. My life is just that pathetic.

As for whether some people are born to be losers, I think this is a fact and not just some old wives tale. People who tell us otherwise just dont understand us.

Anyway, I really do not care anymore. Ive accepted who I am who is just another nobody in this world.
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#11

Postby actone » Tue Dec 16, 2008 2:38 am

bornloser you obviously feel like a born loser. other people's relentless optimism towards a loser such as yourself drives you further into your convictions because the feel of their optimism is like trying to light an entire underground mine with a fancy bowl of festive tealights floating in punch. it's way out of league.
i dare you to climb out of hopelessness and give yourself genuine credit, starting from the smallest actions like registering my post, to greater ones like practicing your driving. whatever it is, do it while raising your chin ever so slightly up each time, until you are fully looking back, with your chin thus raised.
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#12

Postby Huxley » Wed Dec 17, 2008 12:36 pm

Hi - this is my first post here.

One of the things that struck me about you post was that it was well articulated - you can obviously write well, so i don't buy the idea that you are not bright. If you don't have a hobby, why not try writing a short story, or doing some articles (if you are willing to work for free, you should be able to contribute to something).

Not having many friends doesn't have to be a bad thing - most people only have a small circle of real friends that they can count on. Some of the most 'popular' people i know don't have any really close friends. However, if you want to widen your social circle, you could join Toastmasters, or a book group or something.

With regard to being a born loser or winner, i don't believe that either really exists. True, luck and natural talent do exist, but most of us get an average dose of both. Even those with natural talents rarely use them - they need to be worked on and nurtured. If you are not proactive, you life will probably be average at best.

Habit is destiny.
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#13

Postby helpmeplease » Sat Dec 20, 2008 12:15 am

Huxley wrote:Hi - this is my first post here.

One of the things that struck me about you post was that it was well articulated - you can obviously write well, so i don't buy the idea that you are not bright. If you don't have a hobby, why not try writing a short story, or doing some articles (if you are willing to work for free, you should be able to contribute to something).

Not having many friends doesn't have to be a bad thing - most people only have a small circle of real friends that they can count on. Some of the most 'popular' people i know don't have any really close friends. However, if you want to widen your social circle, you could join Toastmasters, or a book group or something.

With regard to being a born loser or winner, i don't believe that either really exists. True, luck and natural talent do exist, but most of us get an average dose of both. Even those with natural talents rarely use them - they need to be worked on and nurtured. If you are not proactive, you life will probably be average at best.

Habit is destiny.



I agree, her post was very well articulated. However I think I can come across as somewhat well articulated also. However whenever I am speaking to someone I am absolutely always lost for words. I am always stuck and panicked about what I should say next or whether I will say something boring/stupid/embarassing etc.

I also think my personality is quite dull. One on one, I can't look people in the eye and can't have conversations. It scares me to think about getting on thebus with someone for 20 minutes because I won't know what to say. Others do it brilliantly.

Also, I know i'm not stupid, but I cannot think of witty things to say, or just general conversation. When I hear people talk who are not as educated or well spoken as me, I get so jealous. They can think of one liners on the spot. They can talk all day and sound interesting. Why can't I do that? I am so jealous of those people. I am sure I have some kind of deficiency in my brain which doesn't allow me to think quickly (I have a short-term memory and am a poor problem solver).


Argh!
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#14

Postby tryinhardin09 » Sat Dec 20, 2008 1:28 am

FIRST TIME POSTING...so bear with me


well I dont think were born loser or winner....nobody perfect,there are days were I get very blue about myself and feel I dont fit in or nobody understand me or gets me..but this year I chose not to care anymore..I started focusing on the things I do have or tryin to acomplist and not focus on the stuff I dont have because it is what it is..everybody can change there lifes for the better but we gotta find some motvation in ourself that strives us to be the best we can be and live your life the best way u can

people think winners just people with money,friends and the perfect dream life..but that doesn't matter to me because all that can be gone in a instant..a winner in life are people that are living there lives the best of the ablilitys or tryin to better themself each day and doesn't think having money or things define who they are
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