I am Homicidal

Postby Tallenn » Wed Dec 17, 2008 1:20 am

I'm homicidal and I don't want to be. I find myself randomly wanting to kill or rape people. I don't mean the momentary, "you pissed me off and now you have to die," sort of kill either. I will be walking around and I will see someone and think about how much fun it would be to kill them. I think about it and I want to kill them in horrible painful ways. I want to torture them and listen to them scream. It arouses me to think about it.
I'm getting married in July. I don't want to make this problem a part of my wife's life too. I need to get rid of this! But how? I don't consciously choose to think like this! It just happens! And I enjoy it. A lot. I feel like I'm sick and twisted and that I'm going to hurt someone sooner or later.
If anyone knows anything about this sort of thing... please let me know. I need help but I can't afford a psychologist. Thank you.
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Postby PsyChris » Wed Dec 17, 2008 2:37 am

Have you ever acted on any of these impulses?

Do you have a violent past?

Why do you think you are having these homicidal thoughts?
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Postby Triarius » Wed Dec 17, 2008 2:52 am

I think a bigger thing would be to ask yourself if you enjoy imagining such things?

Do these things become your primary focus in life?

Or is it an impulse?

I guess what I'm asking is this: Is it coming from your subconscious to conscious? (Impulse)

Or is it going from you conscious to subconscious (cognitive)

The former would indicate pent up rage. The impulse to dominate/control (kill/rape) is precipitated by being dominated/controlled by someone else. When someone acts violently against us, we have mechanisms in our brains that specifically remember this and motivate us to "get even" to reestablish social order.

You should dig and get in touch with the source of this rage, and learn ways to safely release your anger.

If it is the latter, then it is more likely to be some sort of sadistic/psychopathic disorder or fetish. You might have found an idea that excites you in a way that other things can't, and to put it simply, you are addicted to that feeling, to the point that it has invaded your subconscious impulses.
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Postby Tallenn » Wed Dec 17, 2008 5:11 am

Thanks for the quick replies. I'll try to answer the various questions you've posed concisely.

First off. Do I enjoy thinking about these things? Oh yes I do very very much. I spend more and more time entertaining such thoughts, especially as humanity disappoints me more and more. Though realistically, I can trace having desires to control and dominate all the way back to when I was seven. This is not a recent occurance. I suppose that I am finally starting to feel guilty about these thoughts. I hate looking into my fiance's eyes knowing what I am right beneath the surface.

As far as unresolved anger goes... I'd say I'm probably a poster child. If you asked anyone who knew me, they'd say that I am basically a jovial good-natured individual. However, I was abused my entire childhood, raped when i was twelve and have never built a single lasting relationship with anyone other than my fiance. People tell me that I should be a little screwed up from that, but realistically, I don't think about it much. And it's not as though I can undo what happened.

I've tried channeling the anger into something constructive, but nothing seems to work! Anything I try that lets anger out even a little bit opens the valve for full blown rage that is sort of a dangerous thing for me to entertain. The worst of it though, is that I don't even know if I can link my anger to my thoughts. I don't feel angry when I have them. Sometimes I can be completely happy! I don't necessarily want to hurt people who have wronged me, or even people who deserve it! Anyone will do. It's getting harder to resist. It's like a hunger that grows the more you refuse to feed it. That's why I need to kill it now. I'm just afraid that Hyde might win in the end after all and that wouldn't be good for anyone.
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Postby Triarius » Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:50 am

well, it sounds like you've got a bit of impulse and cognitive causes going on then.

My guess is that it started with the unresolved anger. You found that you enjoy fantasizing about extremely violent things. It is probably being fueled by the pent up anger. Once you let all that anger out, you will probably lose these impulses, and maybe even feel disgusted with yourself.

focus on letting the anger out safely.
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Postby CZ » Wed Dec 17, 2008 10:29 pm

The fact that you are concerned about it would indicate that you do have a conscience. The dangerous people are usually the ones who do not have any apprehension, never questioning the morality of their actions.
You mentioned being disappointed with humanity. If you will examine your motives, do you find that there might be something within your desires that simply wants people to change? Do you think there is a possibility that the pleasure you derive may not be in the actual pain you cause but in the effect or impact that you are having on someone?
How do you feel when you make someone feel good or make them happy?
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Postby PsyChris » Thu Dec 18, 2008 8:05 am

Well, I don't actually want you to act on your homicidal ideations but I think they are just a marker for some other problems you have. No doubt that this kind of aggression is the best frame for you to build things up. A violent childhood, leading to a violent adulthood.

You have to decide if you are getting to a point that you might not be able to control these feelings. If that is the case, the best thing to do is submit yourself for psychiatric treatment. They will evaluate you and set you up with some type of therapy to deal with these problems.

You have not violated the law and based on your limited description here don't seem to have a lack of ethics, disregard for authority etc., that sends psychiatrists the wrong direction.

I wish you the best of luck, and please be safe.
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Postby 2comp4most » Fri Dec 19, 2008 4:40 am

Sometimes debate is a lesser-of-two-evils way to vent anger if you don't let the arguments get the best of you. I spent a few years debating rabid atheists until I got to the point where I was just tired of fighting.
I exhausted all of my frustration and now when I get into an argument, I don't get mad unless it's somebody I know personally and there are personal issues or something.
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Postby pkuser1 » Fri Dec 19, 2008 4:08 pm

If you're dead serious.... I've had many of those when I was in college... for not reason i'd have similar thoughts... I'd entertain my brain back then.. but now the moment I even begin to have such thoughts. I scream inside STOP!! NO!! ENOUGH!! and i shake my head and bring myself back to reality and think about the things that are important or the tasks at hand. It's helped alot. I don't konw if thats an actually technique but its something I picked up on handling general anxiety disorder.. whenever you were really anxious a suggestion was to have a rubber band around your wrist and snap it real hard when you were going to an anxiety attack and then tell yourself to relax....
It's definately a conscious thing, you have to fight with yourself to beat it. No one else can help you defeat your demons except you. It is your body and your mind and it is your right to have a healthy mindset. You can definately do it.
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Postby Adora » Mon Dec 29, 2008 12:20 pm

Since your fantasies are a source of pleasure for you, yours may not be an anger management issue, but an addiction (at least partly). As a consequence, "venting" your anger naturally adds to the problem.

It may also be that you have learned to use control and domination as means of relating to the world around you. You need to explore alternatives.

Regarding your concerns about "humanity", try to focus your energy and thoughts on issues that you have more control of (like yourself, your job/house/people around you, etc.). Global concerns can only result in frustration which further results in anger/anxiety/depression etc.
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Postby forgivenessplease » Fri Jan 02, 2009 5:35 am

I don't think it is abnormal for people to have these thoughts, there is a dark side to human nature. Look at movies, books and sports. But you seem to be having an abnormal amount and perhaps developing an obsession.

If you feel like you will harm yourself or others impulsively then you should seek treatment.

I had an abusive childhood as well but I am largely over it now. It made me a better person really, if I think about it. So I have experience with unresolved anger.

I would imagine, from what you have said about your life that you are very angry about things that happened to you growing up. I think you have to explore those events and find the emotional truth within them. Then I suppose you make peace with the painful events, I suppose change your perspective of them.

The truth is that you did nothing to warrant the treatment you received as a child and you deserve to be happy and healthy.

You cannot change the past but you can change your perspective of it, which is almost the same thing.
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Postby ready4luv » Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:11 am

For a long time I had the same problem. I would be walking down the street and see somebody smiling laughing and I would hate them for it. I would think of ways to kill them and I would act it out in my head. I never really saw it as a problem because at the time I hated the human race. I actually had a plan with 4 friends to do some pretty crazy stuff I wont get into. The result of the plan would be pretty devastating though. I would fight all the time. I didnt care if i knew the person or not I would just try to find an excuse to fight them so i could inflict pain. I loved hurting people. It was almost a hobby. I no longer think like this unless I am very angry. I found salvation in music though. If you like rap try listening to songs about killing and torturing people I suggest Insane Clown Posse or Twiztid. If you do go that route make sure you listen to their older stuff because the new stuff sucks. If you like metal there are many bands that sing about that stuff. I suggest cradle of filth. Watch the video for Scorched Earth Erotica by them for a good sample. I hope this helps.
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Postby anothersimpleperson » Thu Feb 05, 2009 2:18 am

reach out to someone who needs someone. dont expect antyhing from them.
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Postby fedup6666 » Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:53 am

well you better do something before you lose control and you take it out on your wife and future kids. I havn't read all the comments but I assume you have enough advice here, now follow through with it. I'm sorry for the boldness of what I've said but I've seen it in the news...husbands or wives killing their family due to stress from somewhere. These husbands/wives were innocent but they just couldn't sort their shi* out in time and it got the better on them, in the end it cost them lives of their familys and themselves. It may or may not happen to you but its a scary thought worth considering. Not sure how your fiance would deal with this if you told her... idealy she would support you but this a pretty delicate issue.

If you feel like your losing control of it and the urges come more often then you need to do something NOW. Major therapy or something, and maybe you should call of the wedding untill you sort yourself out. Being married is stressful enough, you don't want to do that and think about killing people at the same time. When you got raped when you were 12, that probably played a part in all this. All thats left to say is.. be careful who you choose to counsel you. This issue is very hardcore so they may put you away somewhere out of fear that you may do something.

The fact that your here talking about this means your a good person who cares about people but you can't help having these feelings. I wish you all the best.
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Postby wordsnmelanie » Mon Feb 09, 2009 8:45 pm

Hi Tallenn,
I'm very glad you chose to share your situation with us. Based on the posts that you wrote I'm a little surprised that you don't understand why you feel so angry and have such a fascination with dominance, especially sexually.

You may not think about it, or think you think about it, but your sexual abuse has a very strong, if not a key, role in your thoughts and behavior now. So many people have no idea how traumatically a sexual assault affects the psyche of an individual, regardless of who it is or how strong he/she things he/she is. I'm not going to begin to think that I know what is causing the specifics of your thoughts, however it has been documented that sexual assault and violence against an individual can cause feelings and thoughts to commit those actions against another person.

The most unfortunate fact about all of this is that you are not alone in this situation. There are countless men and women who have been a victim of sexual assault and felt the symptoms of anger, guilt, shame, depression, etc.

You said that you don't want to make this problem part of your wife's life too. The only you can hope to not make that happen is to not marry her. The fact that it is a part of your life makes it automatic that it will be a part of her life too, as she is going to also be a part of your life. The only way you can make sure that this is not a problem in your relationship with her is to make sure she is well aware of the situation. Give her the respect to know this part of your life as well, because if you don't you run the risk of allowing your symptoms of anger to affect your relationship with her.

I truly hope you take my words to heart and seek out a professional to deal with the underlying issues that bring out this symptom of anger. Realize that you are worth being helped, just as you are worth being loved.

I hope this helps,
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