how do i heal the rift with my boss

Postby kazbat » Sun Jan 16, 2005 6:41 pm

hi everyone i have a tricky problem with my boss that has been made worse by the fact she is also a friend,


i have suffered from depression for the best part of my life but it has been successfully treated for the last 5years untill recently,it felt like my meds had just stopped working and i have been aware of the depression creeping back for the last few months

we had a fight last monday at work,about work and this was the final straw that broke my spirit and i decided to go on the sick

after giving this a lot of thought while i have been at home this week i have come to realise the realationship between us has been deteriorating for a while now but niether if us has approached the other about it

we have not spoken since the row other than when i rang her to call in sick and she was horrible on the phone, very cold and uncaring

now i dont know what to do,if it wasnt for financial commitments i have i would have told her to stick her job,and i am affraid that is how i would have told her,as her actions have left me very angry and upset,but i cannot afford to leave this job right now

please,can anyone give me advice on what to do, it is making my recovery nearly impossible as i can think of nothing else

kazbat
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#1

Postby Michael Lank » Sun Jan 16, 2005 7:35 pm

Hi kazbat,

So you'd like to heal the rift with your boss. As always to reconcile there has to be communication.

Do you feel it's appropriate to ring your boss? If not you could write to her and tell her that you want to heal the rift.

Are you in touch with others at work, who might have some idea of what she's thinking about it? If so, might be possible to get them to help you re-make contact, as long as they're not caught in the middle of the situation.
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#2

Postby kazbat » Sun Jan 16, 2005 9:59 pm

hi michael

many thanks for that advice,i know you are totally right the only way forward is communication,i think the reason i am being so cautious in contacting her, is because of the last time we spoke, we were screaming and being awful to each other

the whole scenario has sent my depression deeper and i need to be in a better state of mind to be able to handle any confrontation

this is proving to be one of the most difficult situations i have ever had to face and i really do appreciate all of the advice i am getting on these forums you are all helping me immensely

i promise i will let you all know how it goes when i decide the time is right to take action,but am thinking it could be a while so keep the suggestions coming

thankyou michael

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#3

Postby kazbat » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:01 pm

hi everyone,

my boss has just sent me a text message and i dont know what to do about it

my head is in a funny place today with the new dose of meds kicking in and i dont quite know how to interpret her msg

is there someone out ther who could help me with this as i need to get it right first time

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#4

Postby Glitter » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:08 pm

Whats the text say?
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#5

Postby kazbat » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:20 pm

hi glitter

the text says;

"" hello matey,wondering how u r? loads of people sayin hello n wishin u well. X"

this has shook me a bit because the last contact we had we were yelling at each other,and that argument was the straw that broke the camels back for me,i couldnt take any more,and now she is acting like nothing has happened?????

this is what does my head in,it feels at times i totally misunderstand the situation,but i do remember her screaming nasty things to me

am totally confused now

i have been worried about how i was going to put things right and she has totally forgotten it ever happened

phew now i REALLY dont know what to think :shock: :shock:

did i imagine all of this?

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#6

Postby Michael Lank » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:24 pm

Hi Kazbat,

It does happen that people get angry, say things they don't mean (anger does make us less rational) and afterwards wish it hadn't happen and want to make peace - as you do now.

So it's a great sign that she's taken time to make contact with you and is being friendly.

She's extended an olive branch, reach out take it and get back in contact with her!

Best wishes.
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#7

Postby Glitter » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:29 pm

I agree with Michael, she's definitely wanting to make up with you. It's probably taken her a bit of courage to send the text also, especially if she's your boss and wants to keep the working environment friendly.

I would reply back thanking her for her message. Try and make a point of saying youre sorry about the argument, regardless of whether you feel you were in the wrong or not because it will mean a lot to her and will open up an opportunity for both of you to apologise and move on.

Maybe you could see if she wants to meet for a coffee sometime soon too just to show there are no hard feelings?
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#8

Postby kazbat » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:34 pm

hi micheal

you are so right and i'm so dumb

i feel like i am still so angry with her and i need to get this feeling out of my head

i really am trying to see good in this text message but every time i read it i get angry

i think its because i blame her for a lot of the reasons i am sitting here now in this position

i dont want to feel like this but i can't help it

i think if she had an apology in there somewhere i could take that olive branch a lot easier,but it feels like she has now invalidated a lot of my feelings and that upsets me

why can't i just do the same and act as if nothing has happened

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#9

Postby Glitter » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:40 pm

kazbat wrote:hi micheal

you are so right and i'm so dumb

i feel like i am still so angry with her and i need to get this feeling out of my head

i really am trying to see good in this text message but every time i read it i get angry

i think its because i blame her for a lot of the reasons i am sitting here now in this position

i dont want to feel like this but i can't help it

i think if she had an apology in there somewhere i could take that olive branch a lot easier,but it feels like she has now invalidated a lot of my feelings and that upsets me

why can't i just do the same and act as if nothing has happened

kazbat


I dont think she's pretending nothing has happened. I think she's making the first move to make up with you. She has no idea whether youre going to swear at her and tell her to bog off, or whether you want to make up with her, so she's probably testing your reaction to the text first to see where to go from here .
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#10

Postby kazbat » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:55 pm

hi glitter

wow thanks for that i wouldnt have thought to look at it that way up

i will reply to her text,but i will have to do it 2morrow when the meds have worn off a little and i am not so hazy

i can't go and meet her though i still cant face meeting or talking to anyone yet

do you think i should ask her to talk to me on msn, i could do that,just not the face to face thing, i will end up in a flood of tears

i will follow your advice glitter thankyou, you too michael

it would be great to get things put right between us then it would be one less thing to worry about

thanks again

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#11

Postby Michael Lank » Tue Jan 18, 2005 7:03 pm

Hi kazbat,

You are certainly not dumb, though maybe the high emotions are clouding your thoughts.

What makes you angry about the text? Is it that it doesn't have an apology? Before someone can apologise they have to say 'hello' and see if you are ready to have a talk.

Another thing to bear in mind is that often two people can have an argument, and afterwards you hear totally different versions from each one of them, so be prepared for her to have a different outlook on the event from you.
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#12

Postby kazbat » Tue Jan 18, 2005 10:22 pm

hi michael

thanks again for your advice,my head is in a bit of a muddle when i really get down to thinking about it

i am begining to realise,with the help of the mood gym that i am finding it difficult to cope with critisism of any kind

according to the mood gym,i am an all or nothing thinker,which basically means if one thing isnt right then EVERYTHING is wrong,which of course is very rarely the case

i am trying to make a determined effort to change my way of thinking in this way,as it is causing me problems in all walks of life,hopefully,the mood gym and the advice i get off everyone here will help me to do that

as i have told glitter,i am going to reply to the boss's message and take it from there,and i will do it tomorrow when the new meds are not making me so hazy

you and glitter have given me a different way to look at this problem and i am very grateful for that,

it is a bit of a shock to the system to find out how stubborn and pigheaded one can be without realising it

many many thanks michael and glitter

wish me luck for tomorrow

kazbat


many many thanks
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#13

Postby Michael Lank » Tue Jan 18, 2005 10:33 pm

Hi kazbat,

All or nothing thinking (or black and white thinking) is a feature of high emotional arousal - for example: anxiety, anger, worry. It is common with people who are depressed.

These states are stressful and we release stress hormones, one effect of which is to cut down on our ability to think rationally, so that we can focus on the perceived threat that is raising our emotions.

The key to breaking out of this way of thinking and becoming more flexible is learning to become calmer around those situations that unnecessarily raise your emotions.

The good news is that you've started to realise that there is a better way of being, and are keen to change.

Best of luck for tomorrow, let us know how you get on.
Last edited by Michael Lank on Tue Jan 18, 2005 11:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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#14

Postby Nigel » Tue Jan 18, 2005 10:55 pm

Hi Kazbat,

Me too. Well done for yelling and screaming – I wish I could do that at times. It’s probably the wrong approach though. I tend to do the opposite – say very little due to always feeling that I’m in the wrong, or that my views and beliefs aren’t valid or worthwhile. Then any yelling and screaming takes place in my head afterwards – directed at me for being so passive and such a wimp.

I had one such episode at work last week, and I’m now feeling just like you – I don’t want to give up being angry just yet either. I still want to hate the boss with all my heart and soul. He’s been really quite friendly this week, but I’ve tried to ignore his friendly conversations and just utter the bare minimum of words to anything work-related (childish – I know)

I don’t know whether it’s the same for you, but I want to remain angry until I can hurt him back in some way – perhaps by throwing any friendly comments back in his face. I wonder if that’s what you’re doing when you don’t want to accept this text as a first tentative act of making amends. In fact it’s making you more angry because it’s taking away your reason, your right, to be angry before you feel that it’s been satisfied. Pi**ing on your fireworks! (if I’m allowed to use that expression.)

The danger is that the other person might feel hurt, angered, and withdraw that olive branch. Both sides dig their heels in, and it’s then very difficult for anyone to back down and say they’re sorry. Bitterness and resentment can fester away for ages.

If you’re still feeling fired up about everything, why not just send a text or email for now. Thank her for her concerns and good wishes, give a brief apology, and say that you don’t feel up to talking about it at the moment but you will do soon. That’ll buy you a little time to calm down and see things more clearly.

I’ve just noticed what you said about being unable to accept criticism – me too again. For me I think it’s because I take criticisms personally. I see it as a criticism of ‘Me’ as a person rather than a criticism of my actions or behaviour. I know that this is due to me having low self-esteem and a low opinion of myself. Sorry for giving you more reading, but you might find some of the articles on improving self-esteem of use to.

Take care...
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