I think my wife doesn't find me attractive anymore..

Relationships and families - wonderful when they're working, distressing when they're not.

Postby bradpig » Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:29 pm

My wife rarely initiates sex with me. 99% of the time I'm the one, and sometimes i do want to feel needed and desired. This affects my self-esteem.She claims that she likes it when I intiate it, but as a man, i feel very intimate when we are making love. I'm sure if I don't initiate it in my relationship, neither of us will be having sex. I'm very fit and I have alot of girls cheking me out or asking my colleague about me at where I'm working. The funny thing is i feel my wife doens't seem to find me very sexually attractive. I work out alot too.
In the beginning, she used to pounce on me but now...
What seems to be the problem?
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Postby Sadhara » Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:42 pm

Hello Brad
bradpig wrote: i feel my wife doens't seem to find me very sexually attractive
Here may lie some of your tension - what you presume is the case. Have you spoken to her about this matter?

Your wife may love you & find you attractive, but she may be tired, depressed, unwell, worried about other matters, over worked, stuck in a rut etc - there could be a million & one reasons why anyone goes off sex within a committed relationship, so however sexy you feel you are is irrelevant when the other in your life needs a different kind of affection.

As with all relationship issues they key is communication. Find some quite time & talk, don't play a blame game or make your side of it worse than hers, just talk to find the answer as to why, then you are halfway to a solution.

Good Luck

Sadhara
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Postby bradpig » Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:35 pm

She tells me that she's too comfortable and likes it alot when i initiate sex. She feels desirable. But how about what i feel? I like to be felt needed, desired sexually too. I'm a person with a lot of pride, it took alot for me to talk to her about this, she doesn't seem to understand this..
I never had self elsteem issues, but now, i don't even like looking into the mirror..
I hate the fact that i have made myself feel this way.. i've allowed myself to be dependent on another human being.. this is a mistake.. I will never allow it to happen again.
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Postby Sadhara » Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:46 pm

Brad

At least the ball is rolling & your halfway to a solution!

If she likes you initiating sex at least you have a doorway to use, instead of a locked one.
i've allowed myself to be dependent on another human being
Isn't that what a committed relationship is about? It may be a case that you feel rejected rather than dependant. You feel out in the cold, rather than hanging on her every lack of action. Look outwards to a fuller solution, not to how you feel with this at this stage as a solution will make these feelings move on.

If she feels too comfortable - how about starting again? I have heard of couples who start to date again - with or without the sex.

Or simply forget about the fun of dates & have breaks away or meals out as pennies will allow. Getting romantic can be a good tool to use as in effects you are starting to become strangers, which can happen as we grow together.

I don't think that your issue is one of exploring fantasies but more that of gaining her interest to be more active with the intimacy so you may need to recapture some of that energy that was there at the start!

Failing that there is always couple counselling. You havn't mentioned if you have any children, or how old etc as they can also be a drain on energy & it can be hard to get romantic with little ears about.

Lovely speaking to you & I wish you well

Sadhara
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Postby zae50jc » Mon Mar 16, 2009 5:11 pm

bradpig wrote:. I'm very fit and I have alot of girls cheking me out or asking my colleague about me at where I'm working. The funny thing is i feel my wife doens't seem to find me very sexually attractive. I work out alot too.
In the beginning, she used to pounce on me but now...
What seems to be the problem?


Maybe she is just doing the right thing to keep the relationship going. Since you have lots of chicks checking on you, maybe she tries to be somewhat different.

If I had a boyfried that has a lot of success with girls, I would seek for a way to make him a little insecure, so we can have a balance :wink:
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Postby PoppyGoodWill » Tue Mar 17, 2009 12:18 am

bradpig wrote:She tells me that she's too comfortable and likes it alot when i initiate sex. She feels desirable. But how about what i feel? I like to be felt needed, desired sexually too. I'm a person with a lot of pride, it took alot for me to talk to her about this, she doesn't seem to understand this..
I never had self elsteem issues, but now, i don't even like looking into the mirror..
I hate the fact that i have made myself feel this way.. i've allowed myself to be dependent on another human being.. this is a mistake.. I will never allow it to happen again.


So now you're in some kind of a silent power struggle with her. Over sex. It's not even about the sex anymore, it's about who wants who more, about who shows it first, about who puts themselves out there to risk rejection.

I think you should stop talking about sex, and start talking about teh power balance in your relationship. Are there other areas that might contribute to this?For instance, if you hold all the money and she has to ask for allowance. Or if she's at home all the time with kids and you are out in teh world, she would feel less powerful and want you to find a way to 'give' her some power back.

Think power, not sex. See what you come up with.
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Postby Uncanny Love » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:21 am

yes, i can understand where he is coming from and after reading the advice and talking to him and talking to myself...i know why. i guess i always did. for me when my relationship with him started, it was fight-free and problem free. whatever issues we had were external influences. but it became personal, i guess in the first 4 months of our relationship, whenever he did something or said something bad, i took it personally and now that is how i define intimacy. i do feel intimate with him in bed but i feel that block there because when i look at him i get reminded of the things he said to hurt my self esteem. i know he said it out of anger but it still hurts. i sometimes feel angry and depressed because when we fight like that and when i think back, i feel like stabbing him or beating him to pulp. i want to see his blood, i want him to feel pain. i feel so horrible for thinking these thoughts. but my anger that he has fueled at the beginning of the relationship has consumed me and made me such a horrible person! in the beginning, i was always doing fun things with him and being myself. now i feel like everytime we fight, that is intimate! what is wrong with me! i hate fighting with him but i feel that is the only time where im the closest to him. i wait for him to call me names! i feel like when he does, he loves me, and i feel theres a level of intimacy. i know this isnt right. which right person thinks like this. what is wrong with me. now because im like this, ive turned around and started ignoring him. i love him, god i love him. but its not as obvious as before because i only feel that level of love and intimacy when we fight. i need help.
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?

Postby Uncanny Love » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:26 am

this isnt a blame game where he did something so im doing something back. i know it has affected me, and i thought i could just let it be and get on. i cant. i dont know how to. i need tools. and i want to forget and be how i was with him. i want to be that girl again. i dont like this girl now, so why shld he.
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Postby Uncanny Love » Tue Mar 17, 2009 12:33 pm

Too many relationships end up in conflict because one person got hurt, stewed up in bitterness, (you know stinkin thinkin), and then lashed out at the one they say they love. Love is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice in wrongdoing. Now the person who is acting in this vindictive mannerism is actually a bigger problem than the one who originally caused the feeling of hurt. Why? Because the one who is lashing out from their pain is allowing the hurt to get the best of them, they are allowing it to control them, and they act with full intent to bring harm. This is referred to as malice, which is feeling or having a desire to see others suffer.
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Postby zae50jc » Wed Mar 18, 2009 2:13 pm

Girl, take yourself out from this victim type of thinking! Nobody likes a martyr...

There is always the flip side of the coin. It is up to you to choose to think thoughts that empower you. Since he came here to say that it makes him feeling insecure because you do not initiate sex, see the good part of it.

Mmmm! I would buy some handcuffs.....
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