Hi! I've been surfing the net a lot, reading psychological stuff, trying to understand what's happening to me for a long time but this is not working out for me, so I thought I'd ask for help. I'm not seeing a therapist for this, I can't afford right now. But if anyone has been through a similar thing, I'd be glad to get some advice. Thanks in advance.
About me : I've had a kind of life which has led me into thinking that there are things in life that aren't meant for me. Even love. It might sound drastic, but since I've never felt loved or even tenderness throughout my entire life, I've just learned to live without it. When I was younger I used to crave and beg for both but didn't get any. It was because I didn't know how to deal with it. But ever since I turned 25, I've been thinking of the future with a clear mind. Until now, I can't afford a serious relationship or commitment, both on the material and emotional level. And basically, we could say I don't expect anything from anyone. This was my initial problem.
My actual Problem : I met this girl 3 yrs ago. We worked at the same office, and we were good friends, except at some point I fell in love with her. Now coming back to what I said, I never expected her to reciprocate, to me it was just impossible and she was already engaged anyway. Then later she left the office, married her bf and they moved to UK. It was good this way, or so I thought. But we ended up keeping in touch by mail, even though I'd finally been able to tell her about my feelings and that I would rather we cut all ties, we actually ended keeping in touch while it was made clear that she only wanted a friend and nothing else... Now in all this time we'd fight regularly, not because of my feelings, I believe even without the feelings I still wouldn't have agreed with her on a lot of things. Until our final fight last year where I told her, angrily, to keep away from my life...
Well, it should just have ended there, but the problem is I can't stop thinking of her. She's really the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep. I keep thinking of her all the time. The feeling was never reciprocated but even though I know, and in practice, I never expected anything in return, love or anything, why do I still have these dreams about her... I've been reading a lot about limerence and somehow I seem to fit in the description completely. I've even been stalking her on the net... I did find her on another forum a few weeks ago and though we fought last year, I still registered to contact her... What did I do that for? More than that, why am I still typing her name on Google? We ended up in another fight where she made it clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me and she's moved on with her life without me, so I should be glad about that... and be able to let go. But still I'm thinking only of her. And I want it to stop. I don't want to spend my life looking for someone whom I know doesn't love me, so why do I keep doing that? What's wrong with me???? I don't want to be like that. Like a freak.
Please, anyone, could you help me with some advice.
Moderator, I'm really sorry if this thread doesn't belong to the topic, but I couldn't find a more apropriate one. Could you please move it if necessary?