Am I suffering from limerence?

Postby Disappearing » Tue Mar 24, 2009 7:11 am

Hi! I've been surfing the net a lot, reading psychological stuff, trying to understand what's happening to me for a long time but this is not working out for me, so I thought I'd ask for help. I'm not seeing a therapist for this, I can't afford right now. But if anyone has been through a similar thing, I'd be glad to get some advice. Thanks in advance.

About me : I've had a kind of life which has led me into thinking that there are things in life that aren't meant for me. Even love. It might sound drastic, but since I've never felt loved or even tenderness throughout my entire life, I've just learned to live without it. When I was younger I used to crave and beg for both but didn't get any. It was because I didn't know how to deal with it. But ever since I turned 25, I've been thinking of the future with a clear mind. Until now, I can't afford a serious relationship or commitment, both on the material and emotional level. And basically, we could say I don't expect anything from anyone. This was my initial problem.

My actual Problem : I met this girl 3 yrs ago. We worked at the same office, and we were good friends, except at some point I fell in love with her. Now coming back to what I said, I never expected her to reciprocate, to me it was just impossible and she was already engaged anyway. Then later she left the office, married her bf and they moved to UK. It was good this way, or so I thought. But we ended up keeping in touch by mail, even though I'd finally been able to tell her about my feelings and that I would rather we cut all ties, we actually ended keeping in touch while it was made clear that she only wanted a friend and nothing else... Now in all this time we'd fight regularly, not because of my feelings, I believe even without the feelings I still wouldn't have agreed with her on a lot of things. Until our final fight last year where I told her, angrily, to keep away from my life...

Well, it should just have ended there, but the problem is I can't stop thinking of her. She's really the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep. I keep thinking of her all the time. The feeling was never reciprocated but even though I know, and in practice, I never expected anything in return, love or anything, why do I still have these dreams about her... I've been reading a lot about limerence and somehow I seem to fit in the description completely. I've even been stalking her on the net... I did find her on another forum a few weeks ago and though we fought last year, I still registered to contact her... What did I do that for? More than that, why am I still typing her name on Google? We ended up in another fight where she made it clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me and she's moved on with her life without me, so I should be glad about that... and be able to let go. But still I'm thinking only of her. And I want it to stop. I don't want to spend my life looking for someone whom I know doesn't love me, so why do I keep doing that? What's wrong with me???? I don't want to be like that. Like a freak.

Please, anyone, could you help me with some advice.
Moderator, I'm really sorry if this thread doesn't belong to the topic, but I couldn't find a more apropriate one. Could you please move it if necessary?

Thanks all.
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#1

Postby satanstoystore » Sun Mar 29, 2009 5:42 am

because you need to love and she is safer than rejection. respond please.
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#2

Postby Disappearing » Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:26 am

Hi! Thanks for the reply. Because I need to love and she is safer than rejection?? It means I just want to love someone, and I choose her because she's already part of my life? But I'm still rejected. She's taken already. I knew that from the start, so I never expected any reciprocal feelings... I don't feel rejected because I knew there would be no reciprocation. It that it? I want to be in love with her because she won't reciprocate, so she won't reject???? Well, you just said one line and I'm saying all that by myself... please respond too
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#3

Postby satanstoystore » Wed Apr 01, 2009 1:53 am

loving someone you cant have eliminates the possibility of rejection. it also filters out other people and prevents possible rejection elsewhere. you cant ask, you wont ask, youre kept in your comfort zone. if thats not the case you could go and meet someone else and ask them out...
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#4

Postby satanstoystore » Wed Apr 01, 2009 5:41 am

am I making sense? My main goal here is to help you move from what isn't possible to what you can make possible. If you've got some sort of subconscious undermining to protect yourself, you're never going to be fulfilled. So, before helping any other way, you have to move what's blocking you. That I can help with.
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#5

Postby Disappearing » Wed Apr 01, 2009 10:38 am

Hi! Thanks for the replies, yes you've hit something very interesting. I do have a problem with rejection. And your description seems to fit me like a glove. In all of my past relationships, I've always ended up breaking up, most of the time with a bang. Talking to a friend of mine made me understand that I have grown up associating "affection" with "rejection". So I can't look for one without looking for the other. I expect every relationship to end up with rejection, either from the start or afterwards. And to me a relationship resumes to "reject other people before they reject me". So even when my relationships were doing fine, I would find a way to make it end, by fighting most of the time. And I cannot accept rejection as partial. I can't tell myself, she doesn't like this part of me, I can only say : she doesn't like me at all. I admit that there is something wrong with me.

So yes, feeling like I have a "control" on rejection provides me with a sense of security. I fell in love with her, knowing she would reject me, but still I want to remain in love with her and feel rejected by her, so that I do not even try with anyone else, so I don't have to feel rejected anymore. Not really a comfort zone but a safe zone. To avoid being hurt? I'm wondering if that is really true. At the same time I feel that what I'm looking for from her is only more rejection? And this will hurt. Am I a masochist? Or do I like this feeling of rejection? Because to me love = rejection?

On the other hand, last year I still tried to find myself a girlfriend. I went ahead and tried to talk to a girl on the bus and she said no, not interested. I didn't try again right after that. Then recently I asked a friend to give a message to one of his colleagues for me. I only saw her once and I'm not friends with her, so I asked my friend to relay the message. Never got any reply. That would be all until now. Maybe I was just trying to replace her with someone else, because both these girls ressemble her somehow.

Truly, I don't want to get involved in a new relationship without first understanding why I react like this otherwise I will just end up repeating the same pattern. Anyway, I'm not really interested in anyone and there's no one I know who's interested in me.

What I would like to be able to do, is to be by myself, and not feel lonely, and not crave affection, not desperately look for someone but just appreciate the time that I spend by myself and do things that I like, which I'm not able to do in my current state. I keep thinking of her. Like I'm having imaginary conversations with her when I'm on my own. I don't know if I'm hoping these conversations will really happen in the future or if I only want to live an imaginary life. I feel like since I can't have her in real life, I'm trying to have her in my dreams. Do you get my point? She's not part of me. There's only me inside my head, and even the imaginary version of her that I have are only based on memories which I distort so as to invent a scenario where we are together. But I'm conscious that I'm doing that and I know I'm only having an incestuous and homosexual intercourse with myself wearing a mask of her inside my head. But still I keep doing it. And if I write to her, I feel like I'm trying to make these dreams come true, that I still want to hope that something I know will never happen can still happen. That is why I thought I am limerant.

What am I looking for really? And what do I do to stop that?

With a clear mind right now, I can say what I got from her was affection, and I crave this affection and kindness I don't get from anybody else. I would have liked to be able to remain her friend and preserve this source of affection. At the same time I wanted it to stop because I knew it would stop someday, but I wanted to be the one to decide when. Once again, control... But something inside of me keeps craving for more... more of what? Sex? Control? Affection? Love? Rejection? And once again I'm lost.

I wanted to love her and that she would love me in return
I wanted to love her because I knew she could never love me in return

The two lines both seem very true but they are contradictory. I feel like having both these feelings inside of me, this constant conflict, is what is tormenting me.
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#6

Postby curiousjorge » Tue Apr 14, 2009 3:21 pm

Having been in a similar situation years ago, i can share that the only thing that got me out of that ridiculous state of mind was total and complete in your face rejection -- the very thing that i had so feared for many years was what got me out of state. It was actually quite liberating, and I realized rejection was not that big a deal. I survived it, and felt better after being rejected than when I feared it.

That being said... I still once in a while find myself in temporary limerant states. But these all eventually dissipate. It is annoying to feel like a damn loser for not having any control of your thoughts and obsesing over someone you may not even know and not communicating the extent of your thoughts to the other person. The whole thing exists almost entirely in your head and the longer it goes on the more painful it gets. Thats why I think its best to just face it head on and just get it over with. I know, that is much easier said than done.

So ask you friend, hey I know you are married but I love you and think about you all the time. Wait for her to reply with the expected response. Maybe that will make you feel bettter?? :?
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#7

Postby Disappearing » Mon Apr 20, 2009 4:57 am

Thanks for your reply curiousjorge...

That's what I did a few times already... and I got the rejection... I keep doing that instinctively, I don't really realise it. I mean I know if I keep pestering her she's gonna get pissed off and blow at me, but still I keep pestering her, and when she blows off, I'm the one who tells her I should keep away... I always repeat the same pattern... But even with that, I still don't stop thinking of her, and looking for her... I hold myself back as much as possible, but I'm still checking my mails to see if she's replied... I asked her to say goodbye to me, to say that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me ever, I told her it would help me... but she still hasn't said it... so I'm waiting, until she does that, I'm afraid that I'll keep coming back to her.

And when she doesn't talk to me, I feel so depressed, like I'm gonna die, when I know I won't die just because of that, but still I keep feeling desperate. And when we're talking, I feel normal, as if I was never abnormal, but as soon as she stops talking to me, even for a day, I get into a state of utter desperation... and I start doing pitiful things, harassing her, begging her to talk to me, mailing her, sending text messages and leaving messages on her chat and so on... I become like a freak... Now we've had another fight and apparently it's over, and I can understand that she's so disgusted with me that she won't even want to say goodbye, but somehow, I still can't help waiting, I'm always waiting... I want to go look for her, and it's hard enough to not do that, and when I feel like I can't stand it anymore, I also feel like giving in to another addiction instead... Cause it's what it feels like, an addiction...

Well, I'm a complete mess right now, I'm jeopardizing the whole rest of my life cause I can't help thinking of this...

Have a nice day!
Last edited by Disappearing on Mon Apr 20, 2009 5:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
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#8

Postby jurplesman » Mon Apr 20, 2009 5:13 am

Hi Disappearing,

There is a key phrase in your post that says it all: "I never expected anything in return". A person with a low self-esteem would say so.

Your self-image is at the core of your personality and also at the core of your significant relationships. Thus changing your self-image leads to changing your personality and your insecurities. A self-image is often the result of an underlying biochemical disorder that affects the release of stress hormones and consequently your self-esteem. Please read:

Treatment of a Low Self-Esteem

and then study in full:

Summary of the Self-help Psychotherapy Course

in its entirety. It looks at the self-image as being at the core one's personality and shows you how you can change this by mental exercises. It includes an assertiveness training program, a communication course establishing significant relationships, and values clarification.

If you want to change your self-esteem you will have to do some studying.
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#9

Postby Disappearing » Mon Apr 20, 2009 5:24 am

Thanks for your help jurplesman. I will read through your links right now.
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#10

Postby Disappearing » Mon Apr 20, 2009 9:51 am

Jurplesman, I read through the links you sent to me and well, I'm on my butt... Cause it describes every feeling that I'm going through... The panick attacks, the need to be dependent, the aggressive behaviour, low self esteem, parenting ego... I just relate to all of it...

I'm gonna have a test for hypoglycemia as soon as I get paid, a clinical test... I took the written test on the websites, and it says I'm hypoglycemic.

Actually, I read all that and I felt like LOL... how can something as hypoglycemia have so many effects on me... cause I always thought I was hypoglycemic, except I didn't really know what hypoglycemia is... to me it was just something that made me get the shakes, rapid heartbeats and cold threats when I lack sugar in my system...

I'm gonna take a clinical test just to make sure. Thanks a lot pal.
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