Men use me

Postby amylou96 » Mon May 18, 2009 2:36 pm

Why do i feel like i need a man to be happy? I have been single for 3 years and have felt completely lost for the whole time. Me and my ex (My daughters dad) broke up mutually and on good terms but i have not felt complete being on my own.

I am always on the lookout for a potential relationship but i dont choose just anyone, they have to catch my eye and have a lot going for them. Over the last 3 years, i have met at least 8 guys and the problem that i have is i always give up sex very easily. Not becuz i just want to have sex but becuz i feel thats what i have to give them to keep them interested and make them want me.

The same thing has happened everytime though. The next day i always get the same "Last night was great but im not looking for anything serious". They always want to see me again but only for sex and when i text them during the day i always get ignored (Let me add i have not been seeing 8 guys at the same time but individually over 3 years).

Stupidly, i always allow it and they will come round maybe once or twice a week, have a drink and a laugh, have sex and then gone.

I am so lonely and have started to wonder if i am destined to be on my own and im only 27! My mum says to me "Stop looking and it will come along" but its easier said than done and saying that to me does not help becuz i dont know how to stop looking when i want it so despreately? This is something that is on my mind day in and day out and it gets me down so much. Why cant i just be happy with what iv got, my 5 year old daughter for example?

I am destroying myself by letting men use me but i cant stop doing it becuz i always tell myself it could lead to something more but it never does and i never learn either! All i want is to be happy and feel like a part of something and feel like i belong somewhere and with someone. All my friends and my 2 sisters all have partners but i can never seem to find a guy who is not just into having sex with me. How do i break this habit and how do i attract nicer men? It cant be that they are like it just becuz i give sex up to them becuz even before it gets to that part they say they are not looking for commitment. So why am i attracting these types? And how do i get it into my head that i shouldn't give sex up straight away and instead just see if they will still be interested by not having sex?

It is totally screwing with my head and destroying me as a person! Please help :cry:
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#1

Postby tokeless » Mon May 18, 2009 3:26 pm

Hi amylou,
I know it's hard but for things to change you have to become empowered.. if you look at your post again there are patterns in your behaviour that in my opinion, enable those men to take what they want and leave you feeling used..I think it would be useful to ask yourself some questions too..
1: What does being in a relationship mean to you?
2: Where do you meet these men and is that the best place to meet the men you wish for? e.g pubs are not great (they can be but it depends)

Perhaps you give off the desperate signals that predators can read..
Why not join a group for friendship or mutual interests.. spend time with family and your child doing normal things instead of always being on the lookout for a partner.. perhaps the loss of you last realtionship has hit you harder than you realise.. In soem ways your mum's advice does make sense because sometimes we find what we want when we aren't looking for it.. takes the pressure off maybe?

Take back control of your life/bed/emotions.. If a man tries to engage you in a sexual relationship then say no because that's not what you want.. but don't tell them you want marriage either (scares them off) because it's very early days to be thinking of this.. decisions made in haste, repent at leisure.. many many people meet the person of their dreams when they least expect it.. through acquaintences or other friends.. take the pressure off and you will feel happier and this is always something that attracts other people.. Good luck and I hope my advice has been helpful..
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#2

Postby Pookie » Mon May 18, 2009 3:35 pm

Hi amylou96,

I think that you have perhaps unwittingly hit the nail on the head - by asking "Why am I doing this?".

I suspect that your behaviours are largely sub-concious, such that you are only dimly aware (and in retrospect) of the behaviour pattern that you followed.

I am in two minds as to whether the sum of your behaviour is 'self-defeating', or if it is 'self-fulfilling prophesy'

Firstly, it seems that you are only choosing men who are not emotionally available. I can think of three different reasons that might contribute to this:

1. Are you perhaps holding out for a reconciliation with the father of your daughter?
2. Are you (sub-conciously) yourself avoiding commitment, to avoid the inevitable pain of a break-up? Perhaps because you hold an archetypal view that all relationships must follow a set-piece plan, which always ends in a painful break-up.
3. Is there some other quality common to all these men that you find attractive, which tends to go hand-in-glove with their emotional detatchedness from you? For example, free-spiritedness.

Your second behaviour seems to be about falling in love with the idea of a relationship. It would seem that you have a strong pre-concieved idea of what a relationship should look like, and instantly hope to slot every man who comes along into that ideal.

Your third behaviour is about hoping to use sex as a bargaining chip, to achieve your desired end of having a relationship. I should stress that this is clearly a sub-concious act on your behalf - since it always fails spectacularly, and conciously it is obvious to you why it must fail. If you readily give something away for free, why would someone 'pay' for it.

But, this particular behaviour has a more insidious undertone:
At one point, you are valueing sex highly, by wishing to use it as a bargaining chip. At another point, you are de-valueing sex by giving it up for no discernable gain. Then you are kicking yourself because it didn't play out how you wanted it to.

Try, for a moment, to put yourself in the shoes of one of these men:
How would they read this behaviour?
What would they conclude that you want?
How would they best behave in reaction to this?

I would be interested to hear your views on these last questions (as I have my own opinions which I will be pleased to share with you, once you have put some thought into it).

I hope that you find these ideas helpful.

Best Wishes,
John
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#3

Postby bm77 » Wed May 20, 2009 10:37 am

Could be that you are associating sex with love ... at least that what I get from your post. I hadnt had a one night stand until the age of 31. After it, I couldn't understand why the guy didnt want to see me again. Because I had been married and with the same guy for over 10 years - I just couldnt get my head round the fact that people can have sex but not be 'in love' or 'in' a relationship. Im not saying thats the case with you, but sharing my experience of the issue.

I am a single parent - not in a relationship. Do feel 'loney' at times however, its not doing my head in the way it used to. All my friends are married and/or with someone and I do feel like the spare you know what when I go to functions etc., however, Im not going to stay in the house for the rest of my life coz I dont 'have' a man.

Its not easy I know but try and 'celebrate' if you like, all the qualities you do have as a person, your daughter, your family and you may eventually be with someone who will treat you well. At 27 you got loads of years left!!! Im almost 40, still single, maybe I will meet 'the one' maybe not - take it easy and go with the flow.

Take care, BM x
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#4

Postby thefool » Wed May 20, 2009 11:42 am

Actually... men aren't using you, YOU are using you.

You're using sex, your time and company, and maybe even your love in order to procure a relationship. It doesn't work that way, and trying to force the issue will only make you feel like a cheap sellout.

The real question is: What are you doing wrong?

The most obvious answer would be that your choice in men sucks, at least it does for your purpose.

Now I'm not sure what kind of man you are looking for, but obviously, since you are a mother with a young child, it should be someone with some family aspirations. It's also a possibility that you just come on way too strong and 'spook' men away... Usually people like some time to decide whether they want a relationship or not. Those who immediately assume a relationship are usually nothing but trouble to those that don't... I'm not saying you personally are, but it's an acquired apprehension.
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#5

Postby Trout » Thu May 21, 2009 3:28 pm

To be honest, you may be pushing the really decent ones away by giving it up too easily.

Think about it. The really motivated, successful guys with good jobs got that way because they worked for it. They enjoy their job because they are constantly having to earn their rewards (better paycheck). It's a trained motivation/cause and effect for them.

The ones who are going to be best for you enjoy working hard for what they get. Why would a woman be any different?

The guys who are attracted to the free and easy are going to be the same ones without a car, living at home with their mum at 30+ and bumming rounds in the pub without ever paying. They don't want to put in the effort to work for their rewards.


Myself personally... you could say I've made created some success in my life.. we'll leave it at that. When I find a woman who I want to date I will not have sex with her for the first couple weeks, even though I will invite her to sleep in my bed with me. If I take a girl home who I've known casually, or who I just met that night, and she wants to have sex I will oblige. But I will lose ALL interested in her from there on out. Because it was too easy.


Think about it... what you may be throwing at the men you want to keep around, as a means of keeping them around, may in fact be pushing them away.


Try, instead, with the next guy you single out as a likely target just sleeping with him. Make it known that there will be no sex until you've been together longer, and just sleep with him. Have a cuddle. Make him work for it, make him work hard. Learn the art of teasing him.. don't make yourself unobtainable. Always be just beyond reach, a breath away, close enough that he can feel it, but not quiet touch it...
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#6

Postby Pookie » Thu May 21, 2009 3:57 pm

Hi Trout,

I don't disagree with the principle of what you said.

However, I seem to be a (weird) exception.
Just about every woman that I have ever slept with (and there have been quite a few), I have slept with within minutes of first meeting them.

I don't pretend to understand why this would be so - whether I have a magic pheramone or something. Nor do I actively seek to make it this way - I am certainly not intentionally a player.

However, this experience has become the norm for me. So, I don't make any (sub-concious) judgments about a woman who sleeps with me on the first night that we meet, because subjectively for me that is what all women do. Except the women who don't sleep with me at all, who are by definition, seriously crazy. :lol:

Best Wishes,
John
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#7

Postby Trout » Thu May 21, 2009 4:41 pm

Pookie wrote:However, I seem to be a (weird) exception.
Just about every woman that I have ever slept with (and there have been quite a few), I have slept with within minutes of first meeting them.


You wouldn't happen to live in Essex, would you???

If so it could explain that phenomena :wink:
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#8

Postby alex12345 » Thu May 21, 2009 5:29 pm

It sounds like they do use you. The question is: Why do you let them?
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#9

Postby advocate_for_safety » Fri May 22, 2009 6:03 pm

Hi Amylou,

Don't let the other posters make you feel like when you say "All i want is to be happy and feel like a part of something and feel like i belong somewhere and with someone." that you are being unrealistic or that you are somehow scaring men away. We ALL want to feel happy and that we belong--hence, the purpose of a relationship.

I'm not going to focus on you because I think that is unfair to you. I'm not going to blame you, because in this situation MEN are being the predators.

I'm not sure why women are held to this double standard. Why is it so easily accepted that men will use women. So accepted, in fact, that we turn to the woman to say "YOU need to change." Why don't we ask men to change?

Take for example your own post: "the next day i always get the same "Last night was great but im not looking for anything serious". They always want to see me again but only for sex and when i text them during the day i always get ignored"

That is disgusting that men do that. It's not fair to you and it is NOT okay that they treat you like this. Why do men feel that it is okay to sleep with a woman and ditch her?

Men try to make themselves feel better about this by blaming the woman. For example:
"Then I find a woman who I want to date I will not have sex with her for the first couple weeks, even though I will invite her to sleep in my bed with me. If I take a girl home who I've known casually, or who I just met that night, and she wants to have sex I will oblige. But I will lose ALL interested in her from there on out. Because it was too easy."

So...he sets her up, gets her in his bed, but if SHE "initiates" sex then he will "oblige?" But then, he holds a negative view of her? How is that okay? How can we accept men who sleep with women but only to hold negative views of them later?

Another post: "Just about every woman that I have ever slept with (and there have been quite a few), I have slept with within minutes of first meeting them. ...So, I don't make any (sub-concious) judgments about a woman who sleeps with me on the first night that we meet, because subjectively for me that is what all women do. Except the women who don't sleep with me at all, who are by definition, seriously crazy."

So, according to you women are either sluts or they are crazy? You make me sick.

Here's a novel idea...how about YOU (the men) say no? You're having sex with her. Why shouldn't YOU be held to the same standard of women? If you're willing to have sex with her and she's willing to have sex with you, how does that make her trashy and you somehow not trashy?

What's with us putting all the responsibility on the female to say no?
"If a man tries to engage you in a sexual relationship then say no because that's not what you want" Why is it that men expect sex to begin with?

I think the most disgusting post in here is the one where he clearly talks about women as if they are prey to be hunted and conquered.

"They enjoy their job because they are constantly having to earn their rewards (better paycheck). It's a trained motivation/cause and effect for them.

The ones who are going to be best for you enjoy working hard for what they get. Why would a woman be any different?"

Why should women have to be sexual, flirtatious, a "tease," but then when a man advances her and they have sex she is a slut?

Based on what you men have said, you expect women to behave in a sexual manner. Women know this and in order to get your attention they try to abide by your unfair rules. But then you blame women for acting how you want us to act.

Men: you need to start respecting women. That means, YOU don't sleep them. That does NOT mean blame them and toss them to the side after you sleep with them.
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#10

Postby desperate788 » Fri May 22, 2009 6:12 pm

In relationship issues people can get angry but ı force myself not to be a child and primitive even regard to my thoughts.
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#11

Postby satanstoystore » Sat May 23, 2009 4:57 am

thefool said everything I wanted to. Turn everything around to 100% accountability and responsibility. It's only you that can change, right? what feeling allows you to use sex? what feeling attracts you to men that won't engage in a deep relationship*?

* that could possibly go wrong and would feel painful to end...maybe what you've got is a strategy to not get hurt.
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#12

Postby Trout » Sat May 23, 2009 5:45 am

Hi advocate_for_safety,

Are you one of those people with a very weak grasp on reality?

You've attacked my (honest) advice and insight several times in this thread, without any solid basis for reason.

How about, instead of attacking me, and the other people who posted here, you stop making excuses for the OPs actions since she clearly stated she has tried to USE SEX as a means of attracting, and keeping, a decent man!


Seriously, what's with the hatred? (they have a section for anger problems here, please check yourself in)


(advocate_for_safety) I think the most disgusting post in here is the one where he clearly talks about women as if they are prey to be hunted and conquered.


I think the most pathetic thing about your post is your inability to come to terms with the way the world works, and what motivates successful people. Though, to be honest with you, I'm sure your cats all agree with your point of view.

(advocate_for_safety) Men: you need to start respecting women. That means, YOU don't sleep them.


Please see:

(Me) When I find a woman who I want to date I will not have sex with her for the first couple weeks, even though I will invite her to sleep in my bed with me.

(If you want to quote me, then do it correctly, don't put words in my mouth)

Work on your reading comprehension darling, I think you're lacking.
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#13

Postby advocate_for_safety » Sat May 23, 2009 6:26 am

Hi Trout,

Are you trying to argue that I have a weak grasp on reality because I have "attacked" your advice? That sounds pretty arrogant to me.

Have I attacked your advice and "insight"? I never noticed, actually. I don't pay attention to names of posters besides the first person who submitted the topic. What other topics have I "attacked" you on? I guess in general I disagree with what you say and how you view the world. Looks like we're going to have fun on here.

It is unfortunate that you interpreted my response as hatred, considering that most of what I stated were questions posed about our general problems with society. These are the issues that made up my argument, which you have conveniently neglected to address. Oh, wait, were you attempting to address my questions by claiming I have a weak grasp on reality? Great argument...

You actually provided great evidence for what I was claiming, so yes--I have a very clear grasp on reality. Men use women for sex. Society considers women who have sex with men for attention/love/pleasure as sluts. How is that not reality? You--and several other posters--have affirmed this. See my previous post.

Of course a male would tell me that I am pathetic because I desire gender equality. Of COURSE a male would tell me to accept sexism and how things are. I would expect no less. But, that is what is wrong with our society.

How could I "misquote you" or "put words in your mouth" when I copied and pasted what you said? Maybe you are just ashamed with what you said but you are attempting to blame me for it? That seems like something you would do given your latest response.

Again, it was very convenient that you chose to ignore my "attack" on how you said that you will sleep with women only to refuse to date them because they were "too easy."

It's pretty weak to brush of my posts as anger problems. If you don't agree with what I say, it would do more good to refute my comments with logic and reasoning. I have done the same. Oh, but wait, you don't believe in holding the same standards for men as women. Why should I expect you to provide logical arguments against what I say, even though you want me to do so. Silly me!

Your response had nothing to do with my actual argument. Rather, you focused on trying to do personal attacks. This is what is called an Ad Hominem argument. You are trying to make arguments against ME so that you do not have to actually address my argument.

Next time, how about you stick to the argument?
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#14

Postby satanstoystore » Sat May 23, 2009 6:27 am

safety, wow. I hope you're just venting.
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