I am so mentally drained by my life and my seemingly inevitable and repetitive circumstances that I don't know what to do. My low self-esteem is so horrible that I wake up sickened and pissed off that I'm me. This is more painful to me than I can begin to explain in words. The main area in my life that my low self-esteem is showing up is in my relationships with men. The last one that I recently made a post about in the relationship section has a lot to do with why I'm so down in the dumps now. When something goes wrong in my life I just cannot seem to let it go. It eats away at me like a flesh eating virus. I am just in so much pain. My closest friends can't even help me, and I'm a 30 year old woman wondering if anyone will ever be able to. I've been through so much in my life, and believe me, I do realize that MANY people have been through much worse than me. I'm not here to compare tragedies....I am just SO TIRED of resenting myself. Some of you can refer back to the relationship section where I rant and rave about a man I spent almost $200 to fly out to see a 3 wks ago, who did nothing but treat me the way I allowed him to. I can't forgive myself no matter how hard I try. I know that God didn't put me or anyone else on this earth to feel this way. I am completely lost as to what to do or where to turn. One person close to me tells me all the time that It seems like I'm looking for someone to just come into my life and fix everything for me. I know that this will never happen. Needless to say, this little vacation I took, along with all the aftermath has sent me on an emotional rampage that seems like it's liable to kill me. I went and spoke to my counselor last week, and although she and my closest people meant well, I've mostly been told how much of an idiot I was to continue to stay out there with him when I had my gut feelings telling me to get the hell out ASAP....and how little respect I have for myself to allow a man to all but wipe his feet on me. I know these people care about me and want to see me grow into a woman who can finally see and love herself for who she is, but the truth hurts just the same. Today, one of my friends basically told me that I would take any kind of treatment from a man because I don't love myself, and I know if this person sees that in me, so do many others. And for those who know of, or have read the newest book by comedian Steve Harvey, called "Act like a lady, think like a man", there's a chapter about men who see women as either throwbacks or keepers. The throwback is described as a woman who allows herself to be disrespected while simultaneously not setting any rules or boundaries. And as much as I don't want to admit it, that's a description of me, and most likely why I continue to end up in relationships with men who are manipulative, verbally abusive, users and just plain jerks. This makes me sick because I am a really good woman with a good heart, and I really care about people, especially the man I'm with. I want to be that woman who loves herself in good times and bad, and who exudes confidence that everyone can see and noone can interrupt. I know that I deserve to treat myself much better than I do. I want SOOO much to love myself, and I have absolutely no idea on God's green earth how to do it. I have so many self-help books that I could start a library. I've seen counselors, been on medications for depression, and burned the ears of those who care about me. People are sick of listening to me put myself down and say nothing but negative things about myself. I don't blame them because I wouldn't want to go through that all the time either. I know that if you don't stand for something, you fall for anything. I want to finally stand for something, but I'm petrified of the possibility that I may never. My confidence has been at very low for years and years, and I need help. And all I've been doing for the past few weeks is tearing myself apart over some guy that I'm sure couldn't give a sh*t less about me, and simply because I made a bad decision that I can't forgive myself for. People don't really see it in my everyday life, but I'm an extremely tortured soul, and I'm dying inside. Do I have any options left??