Why is it so hard to love myself?

Postby Tisa28 » Mon Jul 20, 2009 3:16 am

I am so mentally drained by my life and my seemingly inevitable and repetitive circumstances that I don't know what to do. My low self-esteem is so horrible that I wake up sickened and pissed off that I'm me. This is more painful to me than I can begin to explain in words. The main area in my life that my low self-esteem is showing up is in my relationships with men. The last one that I recently made a post about in the relationship section has a lot to do with why I'm so down in the dumps now. When something goes wrong in my life I just cannot seem to let it go. It eats away at me like a flesh eating virus. I am just in so much pain. My closest friends can't even help me, and I'm a 30 year old woman wondering if anyone will ever be able to. I've been through so much in my life, and believe me, I do realize that MANY people have been through much worse than me. I'm not here to compare tragedies....I am just SO TIRED of resenting myself. Some of you can refer back to the relationship section where I rant and rave about a man I spent almost $200 to fly out to see a 3 wks ago, who did nothing but treat me the way I allowed him to. I can't forgive myself no matter how hard I try. I know that God didn't put me or anyone else on this earth to feel this way. I am completely lost as to what to do or where to turn. One person close to me tells me all the time that It seems like I'm looking for someone to just come into my life and fix everything for me. I know that this will never happen. Needless to say, this little vacation I took, along with all the aftermath has sent me on an emotional rampage that seems like it's liable to kill me. I went and spoke to my counselor last week, and although she and my closest people meant well, I've mostly been told how much of an idiot I was to continue to stay out there with him when I had my gut feelings telling me to get the hell out ASAP....and how little respect I have for myself to allow a man to all but wipe his feet on me. I know these people care about me and want to see me grow into a woman who can finally see and love herself for who she is, but the truth hurts just the same. Today, one of my friends basically told me that I would take any kind of treatment from a man because I don't love myself, and I know if this person sees that in me, so do many others. And for those who know of, or have read the newest book by comedian Steve Harvey, called "Act like a lady, think like a man", there's a chapter about men who see women as either throwbacks or keepers. The throwback is described as a woman who allows herself to be disrespected while simultaneously not setting any rules or boundaries. And as much as I don't want to admit it, that's a description of me, and most likely why I continue to end up in relationships with men who are manipulative, verbally abusive, users and just plain jerks. This makes me sick because I am a really good woman with a good heart, and I really care about people, especially the man I'm with. I want to be that woman who loves herself in good times and bad, and who exudes confidence that everyone can see and noone can interrupt. I know that I deserve to treat myself much better than I do. I want SOOO much to love myself, and I have absolutely no idea on God's green earth how to do it. I have so many self-help books that I could start a library. I've seen counselors, been on medications for depression, and burned the ears of those who care about me. People are sick of listening to me put myself down and say nothing but negative things about myself. I don't blame them because I wouldn't want to go through that all the time either. I know that if you don't stand for something, you fall for anything. I want to finally stand for something, but I'm petrified of the possibility that I may never. My confidence has been at very low for years and years, and I need help. And all I've been doing for the past few weeks is tearing myself apart over some guy that I'm sure couldn't give a sh*t less about me, and simply because I made a bad decision that I can't forgive myself for. People don't really see it in my everyday life, but I'm an extremely tortured soul, and I'm dying inside. Do I have any options left??
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Postby JAKJRF » Mon Jul 20, 2009 11:08 am

Hi Tisa28

I've read all your posts and a most significant statement you have made is found in this one, "I wake up sickened and pissed off that I'm me". I tell you that this is the core.

Imagine if you will, another person, not yourself, who wakes up and feels this same way. And the feeling they have is not a special moment, not a "got up on the wrong side of the bed" moment, but rather, a history of feelings. And let's for now honor this history, for by its very definition, it is what it is, a past firmly recorded, patterns well learned, a powerful identity. We for now, honor this other person; together we validate her feelings, they are real and even though her feelings may make us uncomfortable, they are hers. And as we accept her feelings, we accept her.

Imagine more that her mother sits with us, sits beside us. Mother's presence touches the room and covers us and her. What does mother pray for... Let's bring in her Godparents and together sit and honor. Mother and Godparents bring to us hope and smiles and love and we take this love as a blanket and spread over us; this is good. And this blanket asks nothing of our new friend; this blanket of smiles and love and acceptance, accepts her and understands.

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Postby Stephen2009 » Mon Jul 20, 2009 11:32 am

I would go beyond just imagining. I know and feel the love for yourself.

I used a mirror and just looked at myself with lust and say a few affirmations each time I saw myself.

If you don't love yourself, then who will?

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Postby sgreen007 » Mon Jul 20, 2009 6:20 pm

Hi Tisa28

Maybe you have had good reason not to love yourself. Maybe the things
you have done and the way you have been were not lovable ways of doing
and being.

There are two parts to the statement "I hate myself"

1). The part that has done the hating
2). The part that has been hated

Q? Does the part that has done the hating got good reason to have done

Q? Maybe the part that has been not loved deserves not to be loved.

You have to address both sides.
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Postby Ruby88 » Mon Jul 20, 2009 7:50 pm


I'd maybe boil this down to a severe inability to say no. Maybe I'm being over-simplistic here, but you're already able to recognise men who are bad for you, or decisions that might be unwise - it seems to me that you're getting pulled along with the tide because you feel unable to say no to anything. I can very much relate to that, but it's something you need to learn if you're going to start making decisions for yourself.

Maybe practice with something little and unimportant, then work up to turning men down.

I think that many of us hate ourselves to some degree. After all, we know what's going on in our heads much better than anyone else does, so we've got a front row view of every single failing, every silly decision, every itrrational thought... I can guarantee that you've got a much worse opinion of yourself than everyone you've ever met, because you're abviously the kind of person who really analyses their behaviour a lot and is easily dissatisfied.

To some extent you've got a head start on many other people there, because in my opinion self awareness is absolutely vital for a person to be considerate and mindful of others' feelings, but when you take it too far you start to eat away at your own confidence. That's the tricky balancing act.

I don't have any answers about how to miraculously get your self esteem back, but I do think that some practice at saying No might help you a bit. It's something to think about anyway (which is what I always say when I've just rambled on for a while. ) :)
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Postby Positivethought » Sat Jul 25, 2009 4:54 pm

Tisa.....this is what i want you to do.

I Want to you to take gradual steps in saying this phrase " i like myself"
by saying i like myself you are consistently and persistently building high self esteem.

Your basically doing the opposite of what you are saying to yourself now.
By saying i like myself, you establish that you think of your self as a genuinely great human being that deserves to be liked.
DO this all day every day. You can say it in your mind or out loud. JUST DO IT.....

Stop Thinking negative and think more positive. You can only think one thought at a time so keep your mind focused on the positive!
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Postby zae50jc » Wed Jul 29, 2009 8:41 pm

I like Catch Him and Keep Him" by Christian Carter for dating advice.
I also read dating advice for men on the Internet- so I can understand how things work from their point of view (just google "men dating").

Self confidence comes from doing the thigs we don't feel confident we can do. Date more often. Go out more, make more friends...

And remember, there are men you turned down too. We don't like everybody, not everybody likes us. It's just math - more people you meet more chances you give yourself and more experience you gain.

Go out and have some fun, keep yourself busy.
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Postby crystalr0w3 » Thu Aug 20, 2009 8:02 am

Yeah. right. Love starts within yourself. It's very common cliche but is always true. People are basing what they see on you on what type of woman you are. When they see an insecure woman who doesn't love herself, people will think that you are unlovable too. So they will treat you bad because they view you as an unlovable person. That's a human nature. To start loving yourself is to accept who you really are together with your bad and good side. Just think that all of us are not perfect so why criticize yourself when you see some imperfections?
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Postby LightedPath » Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:06 pm

sgreen007 wrote:Hi Tisa28

Maybe you have had good reason not to love yourself. Maybe the things
you have done and the way you have been were not lovable ways of doing
and being.

There are two parts to the statement "I hate myself"

1). The part that has done the hating
2). The part that has been hated

Q? Does the part that has done the hating got good reason to have done

Q? Maybe the part that has been not loved deserves not to be loved.

You have to address both sides.


I totally agree and hope you come to realise you are not your egoic mental constructs, you are part of one living energy. The part of you that is searching for a way out of this negative thinking is the part of you that you need to magnify, your soul.

Please do not let your past affect you. If you dwell on your past you miss the beauty of creation to be found in every present moment.

You deserve more and you know you do, start acting congruently with this fact and your life will start to change as a result.

You are loveable, love yourself. When you love yourself you will attract the right people into your life and not settle for anyone that is not good.

We are human, we all have flaws. You're not alone. Good luck I hope you start enjoying life - our time is fleeting, so should be cherished.

Best wishes for your future
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Postby Stephen2009 » Sun Aug 23, 2009 1:37 pm

Nathaniel Branden gives an excellent chapter in his book "Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" called "Self-Acceptance"
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Postby favorgurl » Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:27 pm

I have been struggling with low self-esteem almost all my life. I've tried everything legal and illegal to make me feel like I'm okay. Anyhoo, right now I am trusting God to help me. I also meet with a new therapist tommorow. My old therapist was unfit for the job. I am in a relationship and I don't know how to love him because I don't really know how to love myself. I hate how I am always looking for approval from other people and how I am easily swayed by others opinions. No matter how good I could be doing I always feel inadequate. I also hate how I compare myself to other people. I also hate how I don't trust myself when it comes to making decisions. I read some of the other posts and I really want to make something work but I don't know how.OH, how liberating it would be to feel free to be me, free to make mistakes, free to not match, free to not fit in and it be okay.I'm done trying to use drugs, alcohol and sex to make me feel acceptable and complete. I need something tangible something real.
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Postby vinnie1 » Fri Nov 13, 2009 7:33 pm

Lets get back to the basics here,
Try to go as back as where you started feeling this way. Chances are some where in the past you were treated like dirt and you had to accept because you did not know better.
Now find out when/how it startend. Face these demons, it is not easy,; i have done it before. write a letter of how it has affected your life to date. Then write a second letter forgiving whoever is responsible for the start of this pain.
Burn/burry the first letter and affirm your take of control. This will be painful but it worked on me. You can repeat the process will affirming positive affirmations to yourself. You are beautiful, unique but remember there forces around you waiting to take control if you do not. You attract unconciously negative people if you have the self unworthy thoughts.
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