I'm 35 years old and a single mother of 2 teenagers. I don't know how I continue to survive my depression. I have anxiety and am bi-polar (on no meds thanks to having no health insurance) and I think about suicide more than I'd like to admit. I have absolutely no friends and am estranged from my family, although for the sake of my children, I have been trying to work things out with them.
All of my life, ever since I can remember, I have had bad things happen to me and can not remember much that was good for me. Someone once said to me that if they had to go through the things I have, they would have killed themselves by now. I don't feel comfortable around people anymore because no one seems to have been through the things I have and so I don't have friends anymore. I get depressed when I hear other people's life stories and they don't have anything close to what I went through, even when I hear about the worst times in their lives.
I honestly can not think of any happy times in my life and once I think things are getting better, something tragic happens again. I don't know how much more I can take.
I have absolutely no willpower. I am 75 pounds overweight and am ashamed of what I look like. I used to be an exotic dancer and now I feel like a fat cow. I don't eat well and when it comes to exercise,I get tired just thinking about it.
I get tired thinking of a lot of things. I am worn out from my life and while I am intelligent with a high IQ, I seem to constantly be living in this exhausted state, like I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen because I know it will.
I don't go out, except to work or to shop for the house. I want to start horseback riding again, which I loved as a kid, but am ashamed that I look the way that I do and that I don't have the money I need to do it. That was the one thing, the only thing I do remember that made me happy.
I don't know how to turn things around. I don't enjoy my life anymore and I want it to end.I don't necessarily want to commit suicide, but I need my life to change. I need the misery of my life to die and a better happier life to be born.
I move us constantly, always looking for "home" someplace where I can find out who I am. I love the field of work I am in and love my children but I am so miserable all of the time. My life exhausts me. I have no clue who I am anymore except that I am miserable all of the time. I never have money and when I do get paid, I try to do things for my kids because I feel so guilty that they were born to me so our bills are always late. I spend more money on fast food for myself than I do on the things we need at home.
People always tell me how strong I am to get through the things I have gotten through but I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being forced to be strong. I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to live and smile, and just be happy. I want to enjoy my life and not look around my life and think, that it shouldn't be like this. I have no hopes anymore.
What can I do? How can I have willpower to live when all I ever have is pain and sadness? Please, someone, please tell me something anything that can take my life away and give me something new in return.
I have often wanted to be exorcised not because I feel like I am possessed but to rid the bad energy that is my life. I am very empathic and feel very deeply the sadness of others and am drawn to discord. I don't create turmoil but chaos does seem to follow me. I don't intentionally go out and seek drama and pain- but I always have it in my life. I did away with the friends I thought were bringing me down and don't date so I can't use a bad relationship as an excuse. It is my fault and I know it but I don't know why it is my fault. It's not like I go out set to ruin our lives.
How an I rid my life of this? How can I escape all this pain I feel and be happy tomorrow so I can be confident once again? Where do I find willpower, which to me means hope, when all of my life I have not been allowed to hope for anything because everything that I ever want gets destroyed or taken from me?
Please tell me how to keep surviving my life when all I want to do is lay down and let it be over.