Feeling numb/desensitized. Whats wrong?

Psychology-related discussions or questions that don't fit neatly into any other forum.

Postby MrLif » Thu Oct 29, 2009 2:45 am

This may be long, I'm just looking for some feedback.

Last year sometime, my good friend/bandmate passed away in a car accident. I didn't feel much at the time, nor have I ever... I wasn't sad about it or anything. I just sort of moved on.

Prior to the accident, I had recently broken up with a girlfriend of 3 years, someone who I thought I'd marry. And had strong emotions for. Since that happened, till now, I've tried to meet numerous other girls... but haven't felt a spark, or any sort of loving feeling towards them. One in particular, I've told myself I SHOULD like this person (we share everything, have tons in common, friends like me, my friends like her, etc). But I don't, I just enjoy her company. We've gotten intimate many times, but thats it.

About 3 months ago, my longest and probably my best friend who I've spent my entire life with, passed away. The night it happened, I had normal feeling... ones you'd expect. Shock, sadness, physical pain. But maybe a few days, I felt that same feeling. Moved on. Do I still talk about him? Yes, a lot. But am I upset? I don't FEEL upset. It does feel strange sometimes.

Aside from this, I've lost my job, have not finished school, and I'm barely making payments on my car (I'm still living at home). I'm stressed out, have no social network to rely on, and I feel numb towards girls when I want a relationship/companionship.

My sex drive is diminished! I can do things "on my own", but when it comes to any sort of intimate encounters... my arousal goes down kinda quick. I felt like this roots back to a rebound girlfriend I had, after breaking up with my ex of three years. My sex drive was poor with her (but she wasn't my type), she accused me of being gay, being immature, awful at sex.

I took it upon myself this past month to SEEK help, I'm currently talking to someone and I think it helps? Since then, I've gotten a new social network of friends who I like a lot, not feeling AS stressed, gotten a job, and back on my way to school. Fixing these things made me feel better, and I had hopes to not feeling so numb all the time. We talked about my grief, he feels I've grieved properly.... maybe I can start to have genuine feelings for women I meet? Not even that, just having feelings in general.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun, cause I guess I was waiting for these feelings to arise after seeing help with the girl who I have much in common with. I still don't have those feelings. Maybe I just never did? Since all this, I haven't met anyone new.

Lately, this week, I'm feeling numb and desensitized. I have a week until I talk to my therapist again, and I'm just trying to vent a lot of this out. I thought maybe it was bi-polar or something? I'm just left confused.

I feel like this sounds crazy, haha.
MrLif
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Postby Cooler » Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:46 am

Mr Lif,

This is only my own view, but I don't think we have to be turned on by every girl we meet. Thinking about girls in general is pretty much a turn on for guys, but face to face I think there has to be a special attraction.

I would say finding a girl we really like is a bigger boost to the sex drive than anything, and that's normal enough.

When I was around 20yrs old, I worried about my virility, and like you I didn't feel hot for all the girls I met. Then I met one and - wham!

I would suggest not pushing yourself on this, just take it easy and look after your health for a while. Talk to your therapist and take it slow.

Good thoughts,

Alex.
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Postby MrLif » Fri Oct 30, 2009 7:10 am

Cooler, thanks for the response.

What you said holds some merit for me, it makes sense. I kinda tell myself that too... I don't have to be nuts over every woman I encounter, or think about. I get angry with others, and myself because when I ask anyone for a serious answer, I'm shot down with, 'you're gay'.

I also like to address this as... not a sexual preference-confusion thing... I thought it was for a while, but then said to myself: I use straight/images of woman for self-pleasure, when I'm out I notice women, and I'm aroused when I have my encounters, or when I'm flirting with other women. It's just feels like theres this wall that blocks me from getting "the job done". If that makes sense. Maybe some kind of anxiety thing?

My first girlfriend at college, we had a sexual relationship. My first one, actually (first time with sex, and everything that goes with it). And it was fine, I never had any problems at all. Then we broke up, met someone else and had somewhat of a sexual relationship (no sex)... and finally, met the girl who I was with for 3 years and hardly had a sexual relationship at all. Early on, nothing... later on, she warmed up to the idea (she was a virgin). But, no sex, nothing (I don't know how detailed I'm allowed to be, haha).

But yea, basically, my body (I think) adjusted to this relationship where there was no sexual RELEASE from any of our activity. Not once. Just build up... and nothing. So maybe my body has adjusted to this? And I become aroused to what I'm used to.. but when I move further than I'm used to with anyone else, it diminishes. Sounds odd.

But, therefor, I KNOW this problem will arise, so I guess I don't allow myself to get close to anyone so I can avoid this sexual problem.

Does this make sense? I feel a little bit better, because I feel like I've started to finally figure this out.
MrLif
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Postby MrLif » Fri Oct 30, 2009 7:12 am

Also, I'd like to add, when I met the one girl when I was out. The one I actually had feelings for, I felt much different with her when we were intimate. I didn't feel afraid, or embarrassed.

So this makes sense to me.. the arousal, along with genuine feelings, can pack a serious punch, haha.
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