This may be long, I'm just looking for some feedback.
Last year sometime, my good friend/bandmate passed away in a car accident. I didn't feel much at the time, nor have I ever... I wasn't sad about it or anything. I just sort of moved on.
Prior to the accident, I had recently broken up with a girlfriend of 3 years, someone who I thought I'd marry. And had strong emotions for. Since that happened, till now, I've tried to meet numerous other girls... but haven't felt a spark, or any sort of loving feeling towards them. One in particular, I've told myself I SHOULD like this person (we share everything, have tons in common, friends like me, my friends like her, etc). But I don't, I just enjoy her company. We've gotten intimate many times, but thats it.
About 3 months ago, my longest and probably my best friend who I've spent my entire life with, passed away. The night it happened, I had normal feeling... ones you'd expect. Shock, sadness, physical pain. But maybe a few days, I felt that same feeling. Moved on. Do I still talk about him? Yes, a lot. But am I upset? I don't FEEL upset. It does feel strange sometimes.
Aside from this, I've lost my job, have not finished school, and I'm barely making payments on my car (I'm still living at home). I'm stressed out, have no social network to rely on, and I feel numb towards girls when I want a relationship/companionship.
My sex drive is diminished! I can do things "on my own", but when it comes to any sort of intimate encounters... my arousal goes down kinda quick. I felt like this roots back to a rebound girlfriend I had, after breaking up with my ex of three years. My sex drive was poor with her (but she wasn't my type), she accused me of being gay, being immature, awful at sex.
I took it upon myself this past month to SEEK help, I'm currently talking to someone and I think it helps? Since then, I've gotten a new social network of friends who I like a lot, not feeling AS stressed, gotten a job, and back on my way to school. Fixing these things made me feel better, and I had hopes to not feeling so numb all the time. We talked about my grief, he feels I've grieved properly.... maybe I can start to have genuine feelings for women I meet? Not even that, just having feelings in general.
Maybe I'm jumping the gun, cause I guess I was waiting for these feelings to arise after seeing help with the girl who I have much in common with. I still don't have those feelings. Maybe I just never did? Since all this, I haven't met anyone new.
Lately, this week, I'm feeling numb and desensitized. I have a week until I talk to my therapist again, and I'm just trying to vent a lot of this out. I thought maybe it was bi-polar or something? I'm just left confused.
I feel like this sounds crazy, haha.