husband hates my tattoo

[jeerlual]

Back in October I got my first tattoo. It starts just above my ankle and goes down onto my foot about 1" from my toes. Nothing ugly and there are flowers representing each of my kids. I have been talking for over 2 years that I wanted to get one and decided now was the time to do it. I knew my husband didn't like tattoos, but figured he would just be mad at me for a few days and eventually accept it. He didnt' even try to stop me when I left to get it. He knew about this for a week and said nothing. After I got it the first week was horrible. He got so depressed and couldn't function. I've never seen him this emotional in our 13 years together (9 married). He desperately wants me to get this removed, but I have a hard time wanting to do that for him. We have since started therapy and have realized there are other issues, and our therapist has asked us to put the tattoo on the side burner to start working on the other things. The problem is he can't do that. It all comes down to him wanting me to remove it. I've been keeping it covered, but we are going on a trip in January to a warm environment. He asked me to cover it while i was there, but I asked him what would happen come summer when wearing shorts and flipflops. He truely feels this has changed me. One thing I don't understand is how he can feel this way towards me and not other people who have tattoos. I knew he didnt' like them but never realize to what extent. Am I wrong not wanting to remove it? I feel it will scar and not be completely gone, but he thinks scaring wouldn't happen. I'm at my whits end and just don't know what to do anymore.

[thefool]

He's acting like a little babe about it...

It's not his foot, it's yours, so who cares if you put a tattoo on it? Granted I wouldn't necessarily want a wife with tattoos all over her body, but that's extreme.

He obviously has issues with tattoos that run far deeper than he is letting on. If he's unwilling to elaborate as to his reasons, then it's unfair to expect from you that you will just grant his wish (which is a big one) on good faith alone.

You need to try and figure out what his problem is, and if you do, maybe you can just resolve it instead of going through the mess of removing a tattoo that you personally don't even want removed.

[Elmodiddly]

I don't think so thefool! He's acting like a baby? Really?

You went and got a tattoo that you knew your husband would not like!

What did you expect? Tea and dumplings after a little tiff? It's going to be there for the rest of your life and will always be there for him to see. It's like hainging a stuffed anumal on the wall of a vegans house!

Yes, there are other issues not necessarily all about the tattoo but the act itself of willfully wanting to annoy and upset him has done a lot of damage as well as the fact that he's seeing it every day. You both need to find these other issues, as thefool quite wrongly states that he has a problem you need to be honest and look at yourself, and maybe the tattoo issue will become a minor irritation but don't expect him to fully appreciate the "art" that you've had done.

If you get it removed. It will hurt and it will scar.

[thefool]

the act itself of willfully wanting to annoy and upset him has done a lot of damage as well as the fact that he's seeing it every day.

What a load of nonsense...

She got a tattoo because she likes the way it looks, not to wilfully upset her husband... you're twisting words making the situation out to be something it isn't.

She wanted a tattoo, he didn't like tattoo's, but she got one anyway thinking he'd get used to it, and gave him plenty of time to make an explicit objection to her going out and finally getting one... but he kept silent. Now that it's there he's making a big fuss about it, and being unreasonably uncompromising about it.

HE IS acting immature about it... asking to cover it up when they go on vacation to a sunny location? What kind of nonsense it's that?! To me this sounds like he's actually ASHAMED that his wife has a tattoo and so he's asking her to cover it up so no one else would see... which is just wrong on so many levels.

[Terminator02]

Sounds like some of the deeper issues are control related. This is an example of him wanting you to do something so he can exert his control over you. Now that you did it, he lost control and he is reminded of it everyday he looks at the tattoo. He is therefore making a bigger deal out of the tattoo just for the sake of it because he can't stand the lack of control. Do NOT remove the tattoo until the other issues are resolved because the reality is that the tattoo is not because he doesn't like it...rather probably control/jealousy/insecurity that run deep within your husband. Do I sound close?

[Elmodiddly]

the act itself of willfully wanting to annoy and upset him has done a lot of damage as well as the fact that he's seeing it every day.

What a load of nonsense...

She got a tattoo because she likes the way it looks, not to wilfully upset her husband... you're twisting words making the situation out to be something it isn't.... which is just wrong on so many levels.

So what is right about the situation? Huh? What is right? The fact that the wife goes and gets a tattoo knowing full well that hubby hates them? Is that right? Or is it right that because he doesn't object on the day, knowing full well that he has made his comments previously, that she is then entitled to do exactly the opposite?

You can't pick and choose what is right on the day just to suit.

Imagine that hubby is allergic to cats, for example, but because he didn't object on the day was wife justified in buying one anyway?

She got a tattoo knowing he didn't like them. That is willfully going out of ones way to annoy just because.

Unreasonably uncompromising? Jesus!

[jeerlual]

thefool, you are correct, I didn't get the tattoo to willingly upset my husband. I did it because I liked it. There have been many times that he has let me do things in our relationship that he has not liked but let me do it anyway, so knowing this I got the tattoo. If I would have known how deeply hurt he would be from this I never would have done it. He had over a week to say something and didn't, but it is done and no turning back. At this point I feel asking me to remove the tattoo is unreasonable. He had his chance to stop me and didn't. We need to move forward and I know that I need to start listening to him more, but he also needs to let me know when he really disapproves of something I want to do. This will be hard to do because he obsesses over the tattoo and can't think of anything else to move on in our relationship.

[Twenties]

You mentioned that he didn't try to stop you, even though he's horrified by what you did. I am not trying to justify his behavior, but I can understand it. You were talking about it for two years. He felt it was a huge mistake which would harm you forever. When you decided to go despite the countless hours he tried to convince you, he just resigned and gave you up in a way. You should have taken it very seriously when he stopped arguing with you.

[jeerlual]

he didn't spend countless hours telling me not to get one. He never really said don't get one. He just expressed how much he disliked them, but never once told me that I couldn't get one. He expected me to read thru the lines, which doesn't always work for me....i need it in black and white. If he didn't want me to do it then he should have said so. I would have told him.

[Datura]

He claims the tattoo has changed you? Quite the contrary - it changed him. Has he given a reasonable explanation as to why it upsets him so much? It's one small piece of your body. He seems very superficial and incapable of seeing the big picture.

[PoppyGoodWill]

I'm going to look at the tattoo as a metaphor for something else -- for how you are changing as a person. Your husband hates the tattoo because he think it's a sign or an emblem that you're becoming someone different, someone he doesn't recognize. Maybe he's afraid he won't love that woman, or that she's moving on from loving him.

I think we all fear that in our long term relationships...that the person will change out from under us and we'll be left behind. And maybe what's upset him is that he's wondering "why now?" what is this a sign of in my wife? What's really going on with her? I'ts like when a husband buys new aftershave and updates his look. The wife is scratching her head wondering what gives, and fears the worst.

This is my theory.

[jeerlual]

Thank you everyone for your responses to my situation. Alot of what you have said makes sense. I still don't know where this is going. I'm to the point that I feel I have no choice but to get it removed. We are good for several days, but then things get bad again. This cycle keeps repeating. He says I have a choice if I want to remove it or not, but I really feel like I don't, especially if this keeps happening (us fighting all the time). Last week it got really ugly and I became a person I really didn't like, and I saw a side of him that I didn't like either. I want this all to stop and I feel I'm the only one that can do anything to make this change. He hates it when I say "I have no choice" because he wants me to remove the tattoo because I want it gone. That will never happen and he won't be happy unless I feel this way and remove it because I want it gone. I've been trying to be considerate and keeping it covered while he is around, but for whatever reason he is mad at me again and is very distant. I'm sure in a day or 2 things will be more "normal" but I'm just tired of this pattern.

[Triarius]

I agree with DaveH - this is the husband's personal issue regarding control or some other aspect of interpersonal dominance.

While a marriage is supposed to be a special bond - are you his property? I doubt it. You should keep the tattoo as a symbol - and a reminder - of your independence. Put your foot down (no pun intended) and say "This is for my children, not as a sleight against you or anything like that"

Also - just try asking what's the problem with tattoos?

He'll probably say something like "it's trashy" or "it's below you" or "criminals have tattoos"

I'll bet he has some sort of demented association with tattoos which has "changed you" at least in his perception. But make him give you a straight answer about what's so wrong with a tattoo. And don't settle for "I just don't like it." Ask why.

Maybe make a compromise - if he can give you a GOOD reason then you'll remove it.

[Elmodiddly]

The problem isalso the process of getting it removed.

It will take a couple of years to get it done. Don't gasp in horror, even when proven that the tattoo is spoiling the relationship the referral process can be long.

So that leaves private work, and it can take a while in itself.

Either way in almost ALL cases there will be scarring. Despite several claims otherwise, it will leave a mark, which is where YOU will always see.the old tattoo. The scar will always remind you of what was once there.

So, it's either work it out with your husband and get to the bottom of things or get it removed.

The other side I noted is that you ave said that you needed it in black and white. I m sorry if this offends you but how much black and white do you need for it to register? He said he disliked tattoos, so you got one anyway!! It's like saying you dislike dogs and he goes out and buys one irrespective!

I don't think that the argments are all about the tattoo itself but something else that has been sparked by the tattoo. It may need mediation to get this resolved.

[jeerlual]

you are right, he did say that and I guess I should have realized. I guess the reason I went and got it anyway is that he has allowed me to do things in the past that I know he wasn't happy about so I figured he would be mad but get over in a few days. I never expected this to carry on for over 6 weeks. We are going to counseling together, but so far i don't feel it has really done anything. i need to make her realize how this is really affecting him and avoid it as she suggested to work on the other issues. we go back monday so hopefully will be able to discuss this further.