A loner… by choice and happy

Postby lisa87 » Thu Dec 10, 2009 2:10 pm

I love my life. I love who I am. I appreciate everything in life and see the beauty in everything. Even with a recent breakup, I see it as a vaccine that makes me a stronger person (hopefully not use to prepare me for a worse breakup haha one is enough). I usually am happy.

Although I think I have depression (self-diagnose here) because sometime I get a strong wave of sadness for no reason. It last a couple hours then I'm back to the happy me again. It's very strange.

The problem is... as much as I love my life right now. I really don't love the way people think of me. I'm not really an antisocial, I just like to do things alone. I shop, go to movie, eat at a fancy restaurant.... Alone.... After school or work, I don't like to hang out with my friends. In fact, I find it's a duty and a tedious chore when I go out with them, just so I don't look like a nerd with no friends.

I am a pretty girl, I have a lot of attention from the guys. But because of my lack of interest in them and my friends, I was often called the stuck up girl. And because of my love for doing things alone, I become the weird stuck up girl. Some people actually feel sorry for me when they see me alone in the theater or a restaurant.

It's annoying because I'm happy and yet either people feel sorry for me or think they're better than me (I'm very competitive) because I'm a loner. And it's so stupid that people don't think it's right for an attractive girl to lead a lonely life (apparently it's normal for an ugly girl to lead a lonely life?)

Actually I'm here to hopeful get some encouragements. I am proud of myself. I'm a good person; I never think I'm better than anyone. I have goals and passions. And I feel I'm having a pretty good life. But my family is worry for my weird way of living life. They too, don't understand how it's ok.
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#1

Postby Datura » Thu Dec 10, 2009 6:24 pm

My last friendship was at age 12. I've been a loner since then (even prior I still felt like an outsider). It's who I am, and I don't desire any relationships (aside from my boyfriend), so it isn't a problem. However, my outings alone consist only of shopping as opposed to going to restaurants and movies by myself.

It really should not concern anyone that your life is rather solitary since that is what's comfortable for you. Give it time, and you'll likely find peoples pity and/or criticism becomes less relevant to you.
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#2

Postby Ruby88 » Thu Dec 10, 2009 9:48 pm

[quote="lisa87"]
Actually I'm here to hopeful get some encouragements. I am proud of myself. I'm a good person; I never think I'm better than anyone. I have goals and passions. And I feel I'm having a pretty good life. But my family is worry for my weird way of living life. They too, don't understand how it's ok.[/quote]

You're not alone in this (what an ironic response!) - society does seem to have ideas about what's supposedly normal and can give you a hard time if you differ. I'm in a relationship, but I still like my space and I'm very happy to do things by myself, like going to restaurants or sitting in the corner of a pub with a glass of wine and a book. When I mention that to friends or colleagues, they usually say things like "Oh my God I could never do that!"

A more thorough case is my friend who has just turned 50 and has lived by herself for the best part of 20 years now. She had a very intense relationship with a guy from Brazil in her mid 20s and nobody seems to have matched up since. But essentially she's happy. She knew at a fairly early age she could never have children, so that wasn't a pressure. She's completely independent and has a lot of freedom and for the most part she's OK. The only thing that gets her down is people's judgement of her - they seem to view her lifestyle as exotic and bohemian and treat her a bit like a leper.

She has had some interest in the odd guy over the last few years, but she's convinced that her independence puts them off (I have a theory that men need to be needed - she doesn't need one and she isn't prepared to pretend!) She's also fiercely intelligent and very funny, so quite an intimidating prospect for a man.

If people would just leave her to it though, she'd be perfectly happy. Sometimes you just want to punch society and all its expectations in the face...
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#3

Postby TheHappinessClinic » Fri Dec 11, 2009 7:32 am

If others aren't happy with you and you prefer your own company why would you care?
Whatever you do enjoy it. Life is to short
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#4

Postby thefool » Fri Dec 11, 2009 2:33 pm

You need to be completely clear with yourself about what it is you want.

It could be that you need to work on your social skills, become more outgoing, etc, only to later find out that the only reason you had to do all that was to prove something to yourself, or to get something straight with yourself. Although that wouldn't make it wasted time and effort, in fact I think it would be very valuable, AND of course, being armed to the teeth with social skills is something that will benefit you in more ways than one... even if most of the time you choose not to use them.

Think of it like Kung Fu... 99.99% of the time you wont use Kung Fu, even if you are a black belt grand master (or whatever), but that one time you get ambushed by a group of thugs in some dark alley it may just save your life, and all the time you invested in becoming a grand master of a skill you rarely if ever use has completely paid off in that one moment.

That being said... you have a limited amount of time at your disposal, so make sure you spend it on things that you feel are important! A lot of people actually have a lot of time to spare, and they invest it on things that aren't really important, but which pass the time, and are readily available... like TV, soap opera's, going out and buying lots of junk for the hell of it, window-shopping, video games, etc etc... any and all shallow pass-times essentially. These are the kind of activities that you can easily replace with something that is more meaningful to you. Of course, this is all about priorities... some people are avid gamers, movie buffs, or absolutely MUST keep track of all the latest fashions... some people just have a passion for this, and for those people I would not recommend they scratch off their hobby, since obviously it's already meaningful to them, BUT to most people these are just idle pass-time. Something they do because they don't have anything better to do... but in reality they DO have something better to do, they just haven't thought of it.
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#5

Postby Wiki » Sun Dec 13, 2009 1:36 am

lisa87 wrote:The problem is... as much as I love my life right now. I really don't love the way people think of me. I'm not really an antisocial, I just like to do things alone. I shop, go to movie, eat at a fancy restaurant.... Alone.... After school or work, I don't like to hang out with my friends. In fact, I find it's a duty and a tedious chore when I go out with them, just so I don't look like a nerd with no friends.

I am a pretty girl, I have a lot of attention from the guys. But because of my lack of interest in them and my friends, I was often called the stuck up girl. And because of my love for doing things alone, I become the weird stuck up girl. Some people actually feel sorry for me when they see me alone in the theater or a restaurant.

It's annoying because I'm happy and yet either people feel sorry for me or think they're better than me (I'm very competitive) because I'm a loner. And it's so stupid that people don't think it's right for an attractive girl to lead a lonely life (apparently it's normal for an ugly girl to lead a lonely life?)

Actually I'm here to hopeful get some encouragements. I am proud of myself. I'm a good person; I never think I'm better than anyone. I have goals and passions. And I feel I'm having a pretty good life. But my family is worry for my weird way of living life. They too, don't understand how it's ok.


How people think about you may be the reason why you feel "depressed" sometimes, because they twist and turn reality, gossip and will approach you as if you are a miserable girl with no friends and no normal life.

In the past I was popular and had tons of friends and I made the decision to become a loner for the same characteristic and perspective reasons as you do.
My choice made me happier then ever, though, what I say above happened, and I made one BIG mistake, I let them get to me and started reacting sad and angry, not because I doubted my choice but the way people started to approach and treat me.

I guess, my big mistake is the best encouragement I can give... Don't let people get to you because they aren't capable/intelligent enough to understand that your happy with the way you and your life is. And about your family, see it as this, even though there worries are unnecessary, good for you to know they care about you, eventually (unlike people that think they have or are better then you) they will understand that there is nothing wrong. In my opinion that's what matters.

Girl, you keep it going how you like it :wink:
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#6

Postby jargan » Sun Dec 13, 2009 5:09 pm

@lisa87:

>> Although I think I have depression (self-diagnose here) because sometime I get a strong wave of sadness for no reason. It last a couple hours then I'm back to the happy me again. It's very strange.

Nope, that's not technically depression. Depression lasts much longer than that. Sometimes getting a wave of sadness isn't quite that unusual. I suppose you could significantly shorten the waves of sadness with emotional control (which, by the way, isn't about preventing feelings, but about dealing with them), but that's another story.

I'll go straight to the heart of the matter now. Obviously you can't force people to think differently, except by explaining the way things are for you. If that doesn't work, there's only one thing left you can do.


>> It's annoying because I'm happy and yet either people feel sorry for me or think they're better than me (I'm very competitive) because I'm a loner. And it's so stupid that people don't think it's right for an attractive girl to lead a lonely life (apparently it's normal for an ugly girl to lead a lonely life?)

Yes, those people are stupid. But you know what? You are a little bit stupid in a different way, and it's a way we're all stupid sometimes. It's right there in your words... you wrote: "it's annoying". Completely wrong! I know everyone says that sort of stuff, but who exactly causes that feeling? They do something and you feel. For some reason it's totally obvious to almost everyone that if you feel annoyed at someone, that someone mind-controlled you into feeling that way.
Could you notice people acting stupidly and just keep right on feeling good? I think you could. You only never thought of it. At least that's the way it looks to me in retrospect. At some point I realized that all this feeling annoyed or feeling bad or whatever just wasn't very useful, and I decided to do it less. And soon I started doing it less, and now I don't do it very much at all anymore. I'm down to flashes of annoyance of perhaps two seconds or so... then I remember to stop feeling annoyed, and I just smile to myself and feel good instead.


>> Actually I'm here to hopeful get some encouragements.

Someone once said that being alone is not inherently good or bad. Being lonely is what's bad. You aren't lonely. Those other folks don't get that, and if they don't even understand after you explain it to them, I highly recommend to stop indulging them.
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#7

Postby Purplesky » Mon Dec 14, 2009 5:45 am

lisa87, interesting post. i think society has enormous pressures to "be" a certain way, socially, i.e. with partner, with friends, with family, etc etc etc.

some very sociable people - are incredibly unfulfilled and unhappy.

i recently read a book called "Hermits" which was very interesting - the role of the solitary in history and its many benefits for the individual.

i
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#8

Postby sukalyan_g » Sun Mar 21, 2010 7:57 pm

Hi,

Be with yourself. At the same time feel others. Be open as much as possible so that others can understand you. That makes life easy. Social norms rely largely on trusts - interpersonal and within groups. So gaining and giving back trust is the key to easy sailing. When things go well you feel happy - it does not depend upon whether you are a loner or not. And of course try to understand your desires - that will show you the way. Everyone wants to be happy some way or other. When you will be happy the negativities will give way to other things like compassion. That will help you get into better terms with people. So go ahead and have a look within yourself.

You mentioned about your pride - does it make you a snob? Don't be - give space to others. Perhaps you are from a western country - there it is not much difficult to live without intervention from others. I am from India and think much the same. But I believe and try to practice what I have told above. India is a crowded place and our family values are different here - still these sorts of thinking is doing good to me.

I have a lot of things different that others. I am a non believer - which is more or less out of the world here. I try to be straightforward which sometimes gain me a reputation as a foolish person. And much to others annoyance I am not suspicious to peoples with whom I have to do business deals (it is relevant here as in Indian scenario people are always afraid of being cheated by others). And other sort of things ..........I am married - but finally I often find myself alone. But I feel that I am with myself and quite at ease with others. I know how much in others can be changed and exert only upto that extent.

You can see life as a game - just a game - win or loss in which will not change much. That might help. But first and foremost look at yourself. And yes do not be harsh to others - that might bruise you too.

So cheer up. Bye. You can contact me whenever you feel.

Sukalyan
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