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I hit my kids for the smallest things.


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WhyaskWhy
New Member


Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 5

Post Sat Jan 16, 2010 6:40 pm

I hit my kids for the smallest things.    Reply with quote  

I am such an angry person. Everything makes me angry; crumbs on the floor, kids screaming, kids talking to me, everything. I always want to sit alone and I hate sitting with my kids because their constant bickering drives me insane. If I cook food and they don't eat it, I force them to eat it. I will hit them until it is all gone. I am a single mom of three and sometimes I just want to give up and runaway. If they answer me back I beat the sh*t out of them. I grew up in a house where my dad always beat my mom and he never showed us any love. He too always liked to sit alone and was always angry at the stupidest thing. I am just like him. Sometimes I think I am the worst mother and I don't deserve kids. Somtimes I think I am a failure and I want to kill myself. I take out all my anger out on them. I blame them for everything; their dad, upsetting me, the weather,... What can I do? I am afraid I might explode and seriously hurt one of my kids. Then I would really kill myself. Help me please.
  
jurplesman
Super Member


Joined: 21 Jun 2004
Posts: 14148
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post Sun Jan 17, 2010 3:01 am

Re: I hit my kids for the smallest things.    Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by WhyaskWhy
I am such an angry person. Everything makes me angry; crumbs on the floor, kids screaming, kids talking to me, everything. I always want to sit alone and I hate sitting with my kids because their constant bickering drives me insane. If I cook food and they don't eat it, I force them to eat it. I will hit them until it is all gone. I am a single mom of three and sometimes I just want to give up and runaway. If they answer me back I beat the sh*t out of them. I grew up in a house where my dad always beat my mom and he never showed us any love. He too always liked to sit alone and was always angry at the stupidest thing. I am just like him. Sometimes I think I am the worst mother and I don't deserve kids. Somtimes I think I am a failure and I want to kill myself. I take out all my anger out on them. I blame them for everything; their dad, upsetting me, the weather,... What can I do? I am afraid I might explode and seriously hurt one of my kids. Then I would really kill myself. Help me please.


It may well be that you are simply not feeling well and hit out. The first thing to do is to explore whether you have hypoglycemia, that could cause to react this way. Please test yourself with the:

Nutrition Behavior Inventory Test (NBI)

and the

The Hypo Quiz

If you score high it may be positive for hypoglycemia, which could be responsible for the symptoms. This can be treated by going on a Hypoglycemic Diet. Please discuss with a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychologist, if you want to.


Also read:

Anger Management: Nutrition and Psychotherapy

and then study:

Summary of Self-help Pyschotherapy

in its entirety from beginning to end. It includes a program showing you how to overcome a negative self-image, and assertiveness training program, communication course and values clarification course. You may need the help of a CBT therapist to complete the course. But most people will get better at it by themselves, by just reading.
WhyaskWhy
New Member


Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 5

Post Sun Jan 17, 2010 5:57 am

   Reply with quote  

Thanks Jurplesman,
I will take the test and see what happens.
candeb
New Member


Joined: 17 Jan 2010
Posts: 1

Post Sun Jan 17, 2010 4:57 pm

   Reply with quote  

Dear Why ask Why;

I googled how I was feeling about taking out anger on my kids and basically came accross your post. I sympathize and can somewhat agree that I sometimes act the same towards my two children. The worst part, is that I dont want to be angry with them but sometimes feel like I cannot control it. Most of my problem is that I work very long hours, and dont get to spend too much time with them. Their father works less hours and has them basically all day and into the evening. When I have a day off, it is like I dont even know what to do with them. I get angry when they have their meltdowns. I say things that I dont mean, like "shut up" or "Your acting so stupid" etc.... I have seen first hand the handprints that I have left on their little bums. I noticed when I was off on vacation at the same time as my husband for a week, I had so much patience for them. It was completely different. They favored me, over their dad. We had a great time together. Last night, I had them out late with me at the neighbors and they were exhausted and wanted to sleep with me. I ended up spanking them both so hard, they were crying. I basically had to throw my son into his bed. I calmed down and thus they calmed down eventually. I dont handle stress well and unfortunately the kids sometimes get the brunt of my anger. Parenthood is the hardest job in the world that is for sure. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am there right along with you. I have had thoughts about abandoning them and their father. I have had thoughts of suicide. I have defintely thought that I am the worst mother in the world. I wish I knew what to do to change myself. I am sure you feel the same. If anyone has any suggestions for me, I would really appreciate them.
WhyaskWhy
New Member


Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 5

Post Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:17 am

   Reply with quote  

Hi,
Thanks for replying. I feel for you also. Just the other day I sent my sister a message on skype telling her that i wanted to kill myself or just runaway. Sometimes I feel great and sometimes the slightest thing ticks me off. My kids are a bit older than yours, my eldest is 12. She is going through the change and has a major attitude.

I feel I am repeating the same cycle I grew up with. My dad used to bit the sh*t out of my mom and was easily angered. I don't want my kids to turn out like me. I want them to love their childhood and have good memories. I don't want them to hate me. I am basically raising my kids on my own because their dad travels. I wish I was a stay at home mom because maybe I'd be less stressed out. Actually, no, I think when I didn't work I was the same angry person. I am glad I found this forum. I think I need therapy to resolve the deep seeded issues I have. I think I am angry at a lot of other things and I take it out on them.

Maybe you do the same. We are teaching our kids that violence and anger is the answer to solving problems. That is a horrible message we could be raising future criminals or wife beaters. If we think about the ramifications of our actions and how our kids interpret them, maybe we can change.

I too call my kids horrible names. I've got my eldest now calling herself the same names to make it easier on me. "I know, I know, I am dumb, stupid, and a moron." Also, her siblings call her the same things. Now she is going to grown up and really believe she is an idiot. what have I done, I hate myself. I should build her self-esteem, not crush it. I am doing the same things my mom did to me. She called me studpid and ugly.

We must stop the cycle. The answer is how?? I think the only way is through therapy.

I want to raise kind, confident, nuturing, smart, and compassionate kids. What I am doing is raising scared, angry, intimidated, crushed, kids with no self-confidence.

We should be ashamed of ourselves. Always think what would life be without them: We would live an empty, boring, waste of a life. They make our lives worth living. Always remember that. JUST BREATH.
myangercoach
New Member


Joined: 18 Jan 2010
Posts: 9

Post Mon Jan 18, 2010 11:27 am

Why do I hurt my kids?    Reply with quote  

Hi there,

This is a big question with simple answers and the common things people say are:

why do I hurt the people I care about most? How can I stop it?

There are proven simple practical things you can do that we have got them online for you.
super470
Junior Member


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 92

Post Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:56 pm

WOW JURPLESMAN!!! DIET AGAIN! THAT'S ENOUGH    Reply with quote  


Okay, I try to be understanding.... hippies who say meditation and yoga will cure your depression, anxiety .. whatever, to each his own, I don't buy it, but it doesn't bother me either.
But when someone is abusing their children and you are recommending diet it is made clear that you are either nuts, or just full of sh** and trying to sell something.
This woman needs major therapy, and probably more than that. It is not f***ing normal to hit your kids, and dieting is going to help her????
You, Jurplesman, ARE A MORON!!
Please, Lady, go get professional help. You are damaging those kids for life.
sdecarvalho
New Member


Joined: 04 Mar 2010
Posts: 2

Post Thu Mar 04, 2010 9:29 am

I understand    Reply with quote  

First I think you are very brave, knowing peoples opinions these days on just spanking, and all these "perfect" parents, to flat out admit that you do this, and I think that if nothing else, you should write that down as step 1, that not only do you want to change, but you don't care what other people think or say to you to put you down for your mistakes if it means you can find help. I know it doesn't make it better (but maybe makes you feel you are not the absolute WORST mom, which I know is how it feels) but I have done the same things. that is why I am online now at 3:47am, trying to find help. I have 3 rowdy sons, all very loving boys, especially to me, and I know they love each other and would never let someone else touch them, but boys are boys and they FIGHT. They do not stop when I ask them, then I yell, then they still fight and talk back and finally I lose it, cuss them out and whoop their asses. I beg them, why can't you just listen to me, I don't want to hit you but you won't listen" but I know I am wrong, I am the mother, and I have apologized and hugged them, kissed them, tell them I love them hundreds of times a day. I know why its happening, I am seriously depressed, no end of personal problems from seperation from husband of 13 yrs (im 32) to foreclosure, no money, no car, so I don't eat, I'm not healthy, I don't have time/money for myself... all the things all the websites I have read said to do, but who has time and money for counseling (I am on antidepressants) I have thought about suicide a lot, but I cannot think of anyone I would want raising my kids and I know it would break their hearts. I love them so much and I am so ashamed of the way I act. I cry because I think of how they are going to remember me when they are grown and I worry if its too late to reverse the damage I have done. But I recently saw a show about children of past drug addicts being reunited with their parents and although they remember and are hurt by what their parents did, they all said they loved their moms so much and they are trying so hard they are proud, so I dont think it is ever too late. I am going through the web with a notebook writing down things I can do, tips that can be done right now without taking a class or finding a counselor, when you are already overwhelmed these tasks feel impossible and honestly will never get done. So far, the taking care of yourself first has been the biggest thing every site says, your health, eat, sleep, exercise, etc. even pamper a little, try a little makeover, declutter your house, and make some goals/dreams of your own, think of things you wanted to do before you had kids (i cant even remember, I have no interests at all anymore except sleep). Then of course reconnect with your kids, lots of sites tell tips to do this, listen to them, enjoy them and their personalities, have a little time for fun with them set aside each day. Also 1 thing I am going to try is make a list of all the things you do right for your kids, if you are affectionate, tell them you love them every day, have their back, etc., then a little list of the few things you need to change, make sure its not as long as the list of good things, and work on them one at a time. I'm also reading help books, they are calming and inspiring (at least while you're reading) and want to meditate, but its hard to do to. Sorry for so long post, I just have a lot of feelings about it because your post is exactly why I am online right now. Bottom line, a book I read said, live in the moment. Yeah, we screwed up, but its in the past, acknowledge it, learn from it, and put it behind you. I know first hand beating yourself up over your mistakes will drive you to despair and then you will treat your kids worse. We made mistakes, but we are trying to fix them and thats the first step, so do what we need to learn to do with the kids, praise yourself for that, and move on. However much you yell or hit them, hug and kiss them and tell them you love them 10x more. I hope this helped some, it helped me to know I am not alone. Smile
element.
Junior Member


Joined: 26 Feb 2010
Posts: 39
Location: London

Post Wed Mar 10, 2010 5:23 pm

   Reply with quote  

I understand the situation you are in. Raising 3 kids by youself is not an easy task at all. but hitting them is not the best way to discipline them. From what you've witnessed in your childhood may have influenced your loss of temper. But it may also be due to the your husband leaving you may be stressed out.

Talk to a close friend or family member you may find that getting anything troublesome of your shoulders may give you a releving sensation and help reduce you anger.

Furthermore, a good way to reduce your anger is by watching comedy movies or listening to calming music. You could also meditate this will discipline your mind and help you take control of your actions.

If none of this works out and you still hit your children then i recommend that you get some professional help to rectify your problem before anything major happens but please try your best with the other advice first.
Raster
Junior Member


Joined: 11 Mar 2010
Posts: 20

Post Thu Mar 11, 2010 6:54 pm

   Reply with quote  

Everything happens for a reason. Modeling is such a powerful thing. What we see our parents do, we tend to follow suit, even if we hate it.

But first off, raising kids alone is a massive strain to the nervous system. Even with a willing and able partner, it can be taxing. Alone! That's just a recipe for anger. But people do learn to cope. Many single moms learn to be good moms. . . . but single moms that actually have husbands. . . . usually just stay pissed.

Every time you deal with something, there is a part of you that wants a partner, someone to listen, and then you think, "Wait, supposedly I DO have someone." And then you get upset.

Perhaps the biggest factor is your father. There are a lot of reasons people have pathological issues that cause anger. I have Asperger's Syndrome, sort of Autistic. People don't understand me, I don't understand them. I often want to be alone, it's just less frustrating that way. But that doesn't excuse bad behavior.

If I'm mean to my kid. . . she will grow up to be mean to her kid. You already see that pattern, right?

One the major multipliers of anger is shame. We do something that we are ashamed of and we try to justify it. Maybe we hit our child for spilling the milk. It was an accident, but we lost it. We are ashamed. The child shouldn't have had the milk in the first place. If they had just done what they were told. If they weren't so stupid. If they weren't little bastards, like their dad, etc.

The more we make excuses to cover up our shame. . . the more unrealistic our expectations become.

But unrealistic expectations can also be projected onto you. For example: Does your husband expect you to raise the kids, bring home money, be a wife, do the house choirs, etc?

Do your children have unrealistic expectations? Like, do they expect you to come home and be happy, serve them dinner, give them love when you are stressed out? How can anyone give love when they are stressed to the max? Chances are, they don't realize that they have unrealistic expectations, so they don't realize that they are making you angry.

There is so much to heal . . . . .
Rainbowstormclouds
Junior Member


Joined: 03 Jul 2010
Posts: 69

Post Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:20 am

Re: WOW JURPLESMAN!!! DIET AGAIN! THAT'S ENOUGH    Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by super470

Okay, I try to be understanding.... hippies who say meditation and yoga will cure your depression, anxiety .. whatever, to each his own, I don't buy it, but it doesn't bother me either.
But when someone is abusing their children and you are recommending diet it is made clear that you are either nuts, or just full of sh** and trying to sell something.
This woman needs major therapy, and probably more than that. It is not f***ing normal to hit your kids, and dieting is going to help her????
You, Jurplesman, ARE A MORON!!
Please, Lady, go get professional help. You are damaging those kids for life.


I kinda have to agree with this, but in a less harsher way...there is no need to call names, or make you feel worse, just for your kids sake, you really should get help or have them temporary live with a relative for abit, because it only takes one second of a mistake, a shake too hard, or a slap too hard, and your kid could be seriously hurt, or even die...sadly this happens alot now in days, ppl just have black out moments...not that you would intentionally do that....also if for somereason the kids school or friends find marks, you could be in trouble with DCF which is definitely something you dont want. You know how hurt you felt when your parents did this to you, please dont make your kids relive the same night mare hon. Sad
sumer
Junior Member


Joined: 19 May 2010
Posts: 44

Post Tue Jul 06, 2010 11:52 am

   Reply with quote  

You are def brave to post whats happening but you made a statement that when you calmed down, they calmed down!!! doesnt that say something and when you were on holiday you were the mother you wanted to be,i dont know what your surroundings are or the stresses in your life but if you can address the stresses maybe that would impact on your kids to see you calmer results in them being happier,we all loose our temper but you have gone to far you need help and need to ask for it now!!! Every time you raise your hand get the images you had as a child in your head, the actions that made you this angry person you are today,you really cant want this for your children. Have you addressed medication???
drywater
Junior Member


Joined: 25 May 2010
Posts: 49

Post Thu Jul 08, 2010 4:31 pm

   Reply with quote  

its up to you to break the cycle.
PsyChris
MVP
MVP


Joined: 23 Dec 2007
Posts: 1452
Location: Brooklyn, NY

Post Thu Jul 08, 2010 8:40 pm

   Reply with quote  

I think everyone who has posted here carries some truth with them. We are all the product of our experiences and no one is here to judge.

My dear, I think you are overwhelmed. You are a single mother caring for demanding children. You need a break and you need a plan.

The first thing to do is take care for yourself, so that you can help your children. I think you should call your local hospital or mental health center and ask about family services. You may not be able to afford a private therapist ($100-190/week) but there are MANY income based services available for you and your children.

I think if you find a good therapist, you can unload a lot of this stress, work through your depression and learn how to be a much better parent; I daresay better than your own.

You didn't mention how old your kids are, but if they are of age to be outside alone, send them! Children bicker much less when they are dog tired. Encourage them to go outside and play, make new friends and get their own energy out in better ways.

I wish you all the best and I hope you find a solution soon.
blazer45
New Member


Joined: 14 Jul 2010
Posts: 3

Post Wed Jul 14, 2010 4:57 pm

   Reply with quote  

I do agree with PsyChris statements. He has a good point. I just want to add that you may also find a good friend for counseling so that you could hear more suggestions on how to completely manage your anger. I am a hot tempered person too. And previously I am also having problem of controlling my anger but fortunately I am able to manage it now with the help of my friends, family, and for my good counselor. Listening for advices and willingness to take it over are great help. I hope you too could get to manage your anger soon. And if you do. Please send me a PM on how you go with it. Wink "Nothing is impossible when you believe."
  

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