I am married, but have feelings for another man.

Postby Clair2348 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 2:24 am

Hi,

I have a situation. First of all, I don't need to be slammed with rude comments and people being judgmental. Yes, I am asking for your advice, but go easy on me because I am already feeling bad enough. I am married and I have three small children. I am as close to a single mom as you can possibly get because my husband is hardly EVER around and I have expressed how much it bothers me, but he always has some excuse to come up with and I'm drained, I'm just to the point where I'm going to enjoy my time with my kids and not put so much energy into him. I do everything for my kids. They are with me 24/7, unless I leave and go somewhere for myself early in the morning like to work out or something and then come home right as they wake up while they are home with my husband (who sleeps in as well, every morning of course).

What I am saying by all of this, is if anything ever were to happen between my husband and I, they would not be too brokenhearted to say the least. Even when he is around, he has very little patience. Also, I know for a fact he cheats on me, but what am I going to do? Leave him? I can't move in with my parents. That would drive me crazy. I know the logic in this. I have to finish my career and then leave, I know. I'm starting nursing school in August and I know it's going to be extremely difficult, but I know I will be able to do it for a few reasons. I have to do something because even if things end up working out with my husband which I do not predict, I have to have something for myself that I love and will support my children. They will start daycare in August, but I know I will be able to balance my time. I am a fighter and I am a very very strong person. I know I can do this and I have some family here that will be able to help me that all agree with the fact that my husband is indeed a douche bag.. sorry.

I have never in my life had any feelings what so ever so any other man. I have been married to my husband for six years and have never been anything but faithful to him. I am not a rag doll though. I am a human being and I need to be loved and he does not love me. I do not need an old fashioned person telling me "well you stay with your husband for your kids sake, no matter what". If my mother would have stayed with my father and I knew when I got older she didn't love him and she was miserable, I would be mad at her. That is pure stupidity.

I have met a man who is a teacher at my child's school. From day one, I have felt drawn to him and I have never expressed my feelings or thoughts to anyone about this. He has been so flirty with me and always goes way out of his way to talk to me. He loves my children too, it's so sweet. He spends more time with them in an hour than my husband spends with them in a week (quality time, at least). My oldest son is so innocent and would never hurt anyone, so in turn, he is usually the one to get bullied and during recess, this teacher will actually play with him (and only him sometimes) during recess and he isn't even his student. :) I know it's because he feels sorry for him and he has such a big heart. My son talks about him all the time.. "Mr. _____ did this", "Mr _____ did that", "I hope I will see Mr. ____ tomorrow". I can totally tell he likes me and oh my gosh how I've wanted to tell him I like him, but I haven't yet because of the obvious. I am married... lately though, I have found it increasingly hard to deny my feelings and I have a strong urge to tell him. I already wrote a letter to him because my son is having a Valentines Party at his school in a few days and will be handing out Valentines to all the teachers and this is my chance, I feel to tell him, if ever. The reason being, my son will be handing out valentines to ALL the teachers. In this teacher's card, I can give him my letter. I am still contemplating though and I really need some advice. I honestly don't care if I get rejected. I almost wish I would get rejected so I can move on and forget about it. But what I can't do is just forget about it. Maybe if I had a faithful husband, it would be one thing. But I am a hard working mother and wife who gets crapped on by her husband and I'm not going to spend my whole life knowing I will never find love again. Yes, I cannot divorce my husband immediately right now but does that mean I let this man (which I believe is the man of my dreams) go? And never see him again? Even if he turns me down, I will feel so relieved to get this off my chest. That is all I'm going to say. Some advice please!
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#1

Postby Joobles » Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:28 pm

It sounds like you've already made the decision that it is over with your husband.

I think you should sort matters out with your husband first - if separation is what you really want, then make it happen before involving the new man in any way. At the moment (based on the info you have given), you have the moral high ground and that would be a good thing to keep, for both your sake and your childrens sakes. Once you have separated from your husband, tell the new man how you feel. But I really wouldn't do it in any way that would involve your kids - I think that would be a big mistake. Steer clear of your child's valentines cards, it would be inappropriate.

All the best!
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#2

Postby Clair2348 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:24 pm

Thank you for your reply. I am wondering why it would be distasteful to write him a letter? Here is my thing. I agree with everything you said, but you say let him know how I feel after I divorce my husband. The school year ends in June. When would I ever see him again if I don't make some sort of approach? Does that make sense? I can't just forget about him and never see him again. I agree, I do need to wait to do whatever until my husband and I are "no longer", but I don't know how long that is going to take and it isn't that I cannot wait. It's the fact that I would lose touch/contact with him. The reason I chose Valentines Day, or the letter in with the Valentines Card, is so it would not be so obvious to the other teachers because they are all getting a Valentines card from my son. Suggestions please. Tomorrow is Thursday. I have to do this on Fri if I'm going to. Someone please post some replies!
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#3

Postby Clair2348 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:28 pm

I left something out. Also, I don't have a number for this man, I don't have an e-mail. That's why I thought a letter is all that would work. I am open to any other suggestions. He invited me to come hang out at his house with the kids, but I think right now, that would be a big no no. I can't just go knocking on his door though and at this point, that is the only way I know to get in touch with him, besides school.
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#4

Postby Terminator02 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:44 pm

What an incredibly difficult situation to be in, I am sorry you are going through this. Are you sure you cannot divorce your husband and receive enough alimony to support yourself in an apartment or something with your kids? It appears that you have been a stay at home mother whom as taken a "supportive role" in your marriage which typically entitles you to sufficient income upon divorce in most countries.

You mention that you are a strong woman and there is no doubt in my mind that you are given what you have described. With that, I don't see telling this teacher your feelings this Valentine's Day appropriate from my personal value system. The reason I feel this way is that you are saying that you still need to rely on your husband (financially) and I don't think it is fair to go elsewhere when you are still in some sort of need from him financially. It really wouldn't be anything different than what he is doing with you by breaking the vows of marriage by having affairs and cheating on you. If you separate and move out then it would at least create an environment for you AND your kids that you can entertain meeting someone else.

I don't see Valantines day being the last time you will ever see this person if you choose. I think you are just looking for any rationalization to satisfy a need that you (rightfully so) are yearning for. But the reality is that you can stop by and see that teacher on any given day or year and let him know how you feel or felt.

I guess ultimately you will decide what to do. I would just use caution in rationalizing that just because you have been done wrong for so long, that you deserve to do what you want with this teacher. You DO deserve it, but I think under different circumstances (not when you are still married and relying on him for financial reasons). You both are using each other for different purposes and I don't think that two wrongs will make a right in this situation.

This is just my opinion on this but I really am sorry you have been the victim of such a loveless marriage.
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#5

Postby Clair2348 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 7:52 pm

Dave,

Thank you for that excellent advice. It brought a smile to myself knowing that someone feels me with the situation I am going through because I am in complete hell, when it comes to my husband. My children are my rock though and they give me strength through all of this. I still agree 100%, but just one more time I would like to bring up the fact that there is something I am feeling uneasy about. Yes, maybe I should not give him a letter on Valentine Day...but is there something else I should do? Here is my thing, we talk all the time. We talk about basic, every day stuff for the most part for a short while before he has to go with his class. If I keep talking about the same crap everyday and then the school year ends, he is going to KNOW that I am not interested. Divorces can take a long time and I'm not saying I'm going to cheat on my husband because I know that would not make me any better than him. BUT, there has to be some way of letting him know a little how I feel because if I don't, the way I see it, he's going to be out of my life forever. I can't just go knock on his door a year or two from now and say "hi, remember me?..well I used to be in love with you". Do you see where I am coming from? It's not cheating, in my opinion if he knows my feelings. It's cheating when you act on those feelings and physically do something. I think it's a possibility to tell someone how you feel, while explaining your situation and if they feel the same feelings strongly enough back, they will wait for you so to speak. At least that is my romantic side of me thinking. :wink: Tell me your thoughts on this. I really appreciate all of your advice (to both of you who have posted a reply). You're so sweet and I really appreciate your sympathy and caring.
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#6

Postby Clair2348 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:02 pm

Sorry, I keep leaving things out. To reply to your question about child support/alimony, I don't think I could support my children on just that. The reason why is we live in Southern California. It is so expensive to live here and I can't move right now, or anytime soon until I am done with my school. If I picked up and moved to another state like where my parents are, my classes probably wouldn't even transfer and I would be so screwed. It is very expensive to live here though. We are already living in an apartment and my husband makes pretty good money. I've come to face the facts that I have to do this and stick through it for now. For my personal gain, I am keeping a log of all the things he does and all the fights we have, along with all the times he spends away from us that is not work related so I can use that in court when I am ready. I feel so terrible for even saying this because it would be real easy for someone to tell me that I am being "mean" for using him, but what else am I supposed to do? I married him because I was in love with him in the beginning, not because we were having our first child together. He's the one that originally made bad choices and continues to so now I have two options... stay or leave. I can't leave because of reasons I have already listed, but I can't stay forever either, so I have to somehow set myself up for the future. And in the midst of all of this, I have somewhat fallen in love with someone else because I am human, so I am going through complete hell because I do have higher morals that my husband, but at the same time, I don't want to lose this man. :cry:
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#7

Postby Terminator02 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:26 pm

Hi,

I am from the states so I realize So Cal is definitely expensive. I think you will need to do your own cost/benefits of staying or leaving. Usually, you can get a transfer somewhere else where most if not all credits do transfer. Even if some don't, wouldn't it be worth it to take an extra year gain your life and sense of worth back at the cost of some credits? I know I have had to do that in my past. In the grand scheme of things; it is a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness. You have the goal of going into Nursing and you will have your whole life to provide for your family but may just need to take a small step back to take a huge leap forward. Maybe you can clarify your schooling situation so i have a better picture.

Back to the teacher. When I made my first reply to you, I left out something I felt that I would postulate in a follow-up which I will do now. I think this teacher is representing a huge huge huge fantasy. In reality, very little is known about him but because of your current circumstances, he looks like a saint; especially with how he interacts with your children. So I am going to hypothetically going to put myself in his position. Assuming there is attraction, I couldn't act on it because you are married. If I did act on it, then this "white knight" is now of questionable character which is something that could turn into an unhealthy situation because he is sleeping with one of the school's student's mothers who is married. That could be the end of his career if your husband raised a stink.

Though you aren't cheating physically on your husband by professing your feelings, you would be emotionally cheating. This could put a damper on your divorce proceedings as well.

This all leads to what appears to be a no win for you though. If you leave and move home, then you lose him. If you go through the long divorce process then you could lose him as well. But just be mindful that he is merely representing a fantasy at this point; albeit a powerful one.

Hypothetically, if you separated from your husband, then I would imagine a lot of these issues would resolve because you could start talking more openly about your situation and your feelings toward him.

Ugh...I am even getting lost in this! Very difficult situation but one that I think can be resolved. I just think it is a no win to communicate your feelings at this point. Even if his feelings are mutual, that doesn't mean he is going to wait for the separation or divorce. If he chose to act on his attraction and feelings for you prior to the divorce, I don't know if that would be a good sign for this guy as he is getting involved with a mother who is married and he is fully aware of that....hence my belief that it will be a no win until you get separated.

One thing is certain though, whether you move home or stay in Cali; you will be OK. You WILL find a great guy in time and I think ANY situation you decide to put yourself in will be a big step forward in your personal happiness and sanity. I hope this jumbled post helped a bit at least..
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#8

Postby Joobles » Wed Feb 10, 2010 9:13 pm

Hiya again,

I think the advice that dave has given is excellent. He sounds like a level headed and sensible guy and I agree with all he has said.

You were saying that a divorce can take forever to go through - I didn't mean necessarily to wait until you are divorced before you make your move - but I think you should be separated.

It's not the letter writing that I disagree with - that would be fine if that was the way you decided to communicate with him when the time is right. It was putting it in your son's valentines day card for him that I don't think would be right. It just doesn't sit well with me, involving a child in an adults business. It will also put the teacher in an awkward position when he opens it in front of your son/other teachers etc.

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of happiness. xxxxx[/quote]
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#9

Postby Clair2348 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:18 pm

Thanks to both of you for your wonderful advice. :) I really appreciate it.
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#10

Postby Jim1 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 3:59 am

Clair2348 wrote: I have met a man who is a teacher at my child's school. From day one, I have felt drawn to him and I have never expressed my feelings or thoughts to anyone about this. He has been so flirty with me and always goes way out of his way to talk to me.


And he knows that you're married? Speaking as a man myself, this could be a red flag. If he doesn't fully respect the institute of marriage then I don't think you want to get involved with him long term(for obvious reasons).

My very best advice, as others have also said, is to go ahead with the separation/divorce and at that point find someone with solid morals and values to get to know gradually. Obviously you want to take things very slowly with someone, just getting to know him strictly as friends for awhile at the beginning.

Is there any chance that your marriage could be salvaged like through marriage counselling? Or is he just really not a good person?

I do have faith in you as, from your posts on here, you seem to be very strong and also intelligent.
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#11

Postby Clair2348 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 4:57 am

Hi Jim,

Thanks for the reply 8) You do have a point. Yes, he knows I'm married but he also sees how often I am with my kids without my husband around and I think without me even telling him, he already knows my situation (if that makes sense). I think I'm all around just completely screwed because I can't just separate from my husband. You don't get child support or alimony with separation...only from divorce. This feels like a bad dream. I'm young, pretty (not trying to sound conceited), a damn good mom and can only dream about being in love again someday. It sucks, but it's life. I should of thought about that before I got married and had three kids it seems like, but there was no way for me to know that my husband turned out the way he did. And no, I don't even want to try to make it work. He's a dirt bag and I'm just done. He is not a good person at all and I could write a book with the reasons why. A part of me says "screw it.. wing it and tell him how you feel, but don't do anything like dating, kissing, etc until you are divorced." Part of me knows the reality and that it may cause an uncomfortable situation. Yet, I am already uncomfortable. I'm in hell. Anyway... I see all your points and yes, I am just going to let it go BUT no one still hasn't touched on the fact that if I don't tell him anything, I'm going to completely lose him. Do I need to just accept that or do something about that? He has to have somewhat of a hint ahead of time, right? Or not? If I'm going to let this go and have the school ear end without ever telling him anything at all about my feelings, I can almost guarantee I will never see him again because I get the feeling from him that he is already starting to lean towards the idea that I "am just not interested". I have been doing a damn good job of hiding my feelings. Please some more advice if you have it... touching on that. Thanks!! :) You guys are great.
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#12

Postby Jim1 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 5:39 am

Clair2348 wrote:Yes, he knows I'm married but he also sees how often I am with my kids without my husband around and I think without me even telling him, he already knows my situation (if that makes sense).


I honestly don't see how, unless you've said something specific to him to indicate that. I see married women alone with their kids a lot and just assume the husband works during the day. Again if he has truly flirted with you then I don't think that's a good sign. If you married him then I think he would flirt with other women when you were not around. I know men(as I am one myself).

Can you start divorce proceedings with your husband? Maybe use his cheating as your reason for filing. I would maybe move in with some family first though as he could become quite angry when you do this.


Ok your question about the teacher.. I would suggest, at least, learning more about him. Ask some people who really know him, if you can find some(this would truly be in your best interest).
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#13

Postby Clair2348 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 6:09 am

Jim,

Yeah, maybe I was just tricking myself into believing that he assumed that. I do need to find out more about him I think, as well. As far as knowing someone else who knows him, not going to happen unfortunately. I have only been living in this area for a couple years and I am a stay at home mom. I do not know many people myself...at least people living in this area. I need to find out more about him, but I also think he needs to find out more about me. I know it needs to be gradual, but something has to happen by June as far as him getting the hint at least. First thing is first though... I'm going to just continue talking to him like I always do and try to find out more about him and just go from there. Maybe he will start annoying me or something hopefully so I can get this out of my head. :wink: I really appreciate everyone's advice and it was all very helpful. Thank you to all of you.
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#14

Postby Clair2348 » Wed Feb 17, 2010 4:26 am

Alrighty... well, I told him how I felt. I had to. It was driving me crazy so I wrote him a letter and gave it to him and he definitely liked what I had to say. I know I'm probably going to get replies back telling me "you shouldn't of done that", but I felt like this was the right time to just casually get to know him better but first, I had to let him know I wanted to get to know him better. He invited me for coffee and I can't wait to go because I definitely want some time to talk, just me and him with no one else around. I need to know more about this man. I have to and in my mind, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting coffee. My husband works late night at a restaurant and lies to me all the time about "reasons he got home so late last night". He constantly hangs out and has drinks with his buddies, hostesses, waitresses and bartenders. He's drinking alcohol in a party setting as well and I'm going for coffee. He can shove it. Anyway, I'm so excited and I can't wait to know about him. Any advice? Just please don't yell at me, lol.
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