How can I get over feeling ignored?

Postby Motivated » Wed Feb 10, 2010 4:43 am

It's strange what hurts me. Getting yelled at or put down doesn't bother me much but when it comes to being ignored, it hurts so deep. I don't want to care! I want to just act like it doesn't matter, but it does! I want to hurt them back, but I know I'd just look crazy, because most of the time, they're probably clueless that they're causing me pain. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could be so secure in who I am that people could ignore me & I'd be fine.

I know I probably ignore people sometimes, we all do - we get busy with life. I just get so upset when I FEEL ignored & not appreciated. Then, in my obsessing about it, I probably ignore others! Isn't that ironic?

How can I get over pain of feeling ignored?
Any ideas would be appreciated.
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#1

Postby werty » Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:53 am

You need to discover if you really are being ignored or whether people are just going about their daily needs.

Then, if you still think you are being ignored, put it the other way round and ask...'Why do I need more attention'
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#2

Postby Motivated » Thu Feb 11, 2010 4:51 pm

Werty - thanks. I think that's a good question about why I need more attention. It seems like it always comes back to self-esteem...& I need to earn it myself instead of trying to get it from others.
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#3

Postby satanstoystore » Fri Feb 12, 2010 1:55 am

interesting. what kind of person is ignored? what kind of person needs attention? The answers to those questions will probably be very similar. they also don't have much to do with anyone else. they're focused on how you feel about you. when you change that*, which could take a few minutes, you don't have to do stuff like "build self-esteem". Which could take forever.

*there's processes for that.
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#4

Postby Terminator02 » Fri Feb 12, 2010 7:50 pm

Hey Motivated,

A likely reason you don't mind the yelling and screaming is because you get the "feeling" that you are being heard. Maybe you interpret that as positive affirmation that "this person cares."

The higher the self-esteem, the less of a need to be validated by others. The tricky part is deciphering what is worth feeling ignored over. Typically, no one should feel ignored. But if there is a bit of neuroses in needing to feel validated by every feeling, every spoken word or every action; it might be excessive to which a person will want to ignore more to avoid getting "heavy."

Here is a simple breakdown of trying to figure out what is worth talking about (being heard)

An event occurs in your life. You have the following processes that occur: automatic thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and the consequences.

For example, you and a significant other work long days and communicate randomly through text messages. You initiate a text and you get no response (the Event). The automatic thought is the first thought that pops in your head (sometimes so fast that you are unaware of it and is based on core beliefs). You feel "upset because you don't feel heard." You reply back hours later. "are you mad at me or something why can't you take two minutes to reply to my text?" (The feeling). The consequence is a fight through text or back at home over the situation.

See people tend to confuse their feelings (upset and angry) with their thoughts. I didn't mention it, but the possible automatic thought was "he doesn't care about me." That thought makes you feel angry and upset.

So where am I going with this?

I am saying that if you get in touch with your thoughts, you can change the way you feel and behave as a result. So maybe the automatic "alternative thought" is: "he must be really busy today, I will talk to him when I get home." You then don't FEEL Angry or upset. The behavior will then not occur (upset text message). The consequence will be no fight.

See the events will always be the same; your dictation of your thoughts, feelings and behaviours CAN change.

I hope this helps.
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#5

Postby Motivated » Sun Feb 14, 2010 5:47 pm

Thanks for your responses.
Satanstoystore - It's kindof empowering to realize it's within my control, in how I think & feel about myself. Were you referring to self-hypnosis?

Dave - I think that's what's going on - I've got an imagination that's working against me. I need to consider other possible explanations. I realized that I also assume others feel the way I do & am often careful not to ignore or leave others out, but I get upset when the favor's not returned. I've chalked it up to rudeness, but maybe that's narrow-minded. I think taking care of my needs is important - giving myself validation (in thoughts), self-expression/creativity, having fun etc..
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#6

Postby Terminator02 » Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:13 pm

Motivated wrote:Thanks for your responses.
Satanstoystore - It's kindof empowering to realize it's within my control, in how I think & feel about myself. Were you referring to self-hypnosis?

Dave - I think that's what's going on - I've got an imagination that's working against me. I need to consider other possible explanations. I realized that I also assume others feel the way I do & am often careful not to ignore or leave others out, but I get upset when the favor's not returned. I've chalked it up to rudeness, but maybe that's narrow-minded. I think taking care of my needs is important - giving myself validation (in thoughts), self-expression/creativity, having fun etc..


A way to consider that it is not rudeness is to begin to acknowledge the different personality types. Look into taking a free online (40ish question) Myers Briggs personality inventory test. They are free for the basic report which will give you a "type." I am willing to bet with almost certainty that you will test a specific type. I will like you to take the test and then post back (without saying the 4 letter personality type result) when you are done. In response, I will post what type I think you will score.

See, people have different personalities. Some types tend to not click with each other and some do. Opposite types can actually be very good for each other as they can balance and help develop weaker areas of current traits within the personality. The more aware you are of the different types, the more you will be able to understand and not take personally the different people's responses who are in your life.

Try it out; its fun and pretty accurate for being such a brief "test."
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#7

Postby Motivated » Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:06 am

Hey, Dave -
I just took the test & I was going to tell you, but you want to guess first right? It seems about right, but I have to say, I've changed a lot since I became a mom. I used to be more carefree, but I guess I've always been intense in some ways. Thanks for suggesting that. It was fun!

That's a good point, about how we click better with some than others.
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#8

Postby Terminator02 » Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:20 am

If I were to guess you would test as an ENFJ?

Now if you can try to learn the other types (I may be wrong on yours btw) but you may better understand their "styles" and realize more are action oriented Vs verbal, or some are just not intuitive with communication and feelings. Though it will be hard to not take it personally based on your type, you can learn to appreciate that it has nothing to do with you. Curious though....was I right?
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#9

Postby Motivated » Tue Feb 16, 2010 9:03 pm

Dave -
Good guess! When I took the test, it ended up being ENTJ - but it could've been swayed by my mood - I had just had an argument with my husband (on Valentines day) & also was in the process of a debate. When I read about ENFJ - I realized that fit me more than the FieldMarshall. Infact, teaching has been my favorite job of all. I would almost (& have) taught for free because I love it! I love to get kids or people excited about learning & to see how they develop.

That's true what you mentioned about how we respond differently. I "tried" to become friends with someone online, who I really admired & connected with. He was nice but not really reciprocal. He even told me, "I'm not a good friend." I thought he was being hard on himself until I realized he has Asberger's Syndrome...What a way for me to get over being ignored! :lol:

Thanks for your kindness. I'm curious - what personality do you have, Dave?
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#10

Postby improvedconfidence.com » Tue Feb 16, 2010 9:29 pm

I know eacactly what you mean. Being ignored can lead us to feel like we are unloved, alone and not worth others attention, which is why it is painful. However you are almost there with getting over the feelings as you realise that people aren't really ignoring you, it's just life is busy!
When you do feel ignored, I would suggest you communicate that to the other person. Not in a confrontational way but just lety them know you need a little attention, tell them you feel ignored and a little upset. IN all likelhood they won't even realise you feel like that.
You also need to work on your own self confidence and self esteem so you are less in need of attention from others to feel worthwhile. You will feel fabulous all the time no matter if others are ignoring you or paying you attention!
Try and focus on paying attention to others as much as possible and the actions will be reciprocated.
Best wishes,
Kate.
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#11

Postby Motivated » Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:55 am

Thanks, improvedconfidence - that's good advice. I was thinking about this when I heard the song, "Everybody has a hungry heart" today. I think we all need to feel aknowledged - but I realize, I've "felt" that need more than I'd like. I think it often comes down to what we tell ourselves (thoughts).
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