Emotionally demanding

Postby dingbat » Tue Mar 02, 2010 5:14 am

Helloooo
So I've woken up in the middle of the night because I can't sleep and feel stressed/uneasy about stuff which has a feeling of dejavous for me after I've overly demanded and exhausted someone to the point where they want to walk away....

I seem to have some awful habit in my behaviour to have ridiculous high expectations of people, have a tendancy to exhaust relationships, get upset easily and ask a lot of questions about feelings in my close relationships because I am an intense person, overly I reckon.

Generally in life people say I am bubbly, smiley, quite happy and independant but in romantic relationships I get funny and this aspect of me dwindles and a crazy 'feelings' person comes out which drives me mad and is something I reeeeaaally can't handle.

I started seeing someone in December... who is gorgeous, fun, kind and just makes me really happy and together we get on great! He broke up with his ex a year ago after 6 years and by the end was really quite devastated by the breakup because they had been talking about marriage etc and she then broke it off and is now with someone else. We met by accident in a bar but really hit it off so were going to 'take it slow', see what happened. He is understandably hesitant about being 'serious' about things however shows he cares and sees me alllll the time, does lots of thoughtful things and is just generally lovely. & I completely know this. In terms of how he is emotionally, he says that he could be the happiest person in the world and noone would know because he doesn't express stuff. Whereas I am the opposite.

Why am I pulling this apart?? For some reason I can't seem to stop myself saying, hey you know I reallly want to be with you, why can't you say that to me? & that I have no idea of what he's thinking whereas I wear my heart on my sleeve. & that when you start seeing someone, half the fun is saying all the stuff you like, etc... why don't you do that? & I kind of end up in relationships saying stuff along the lines of do you think I am easily replaceable because if you do then I am not for you. I want you to say I'm super duper amazing and that you couldn't possibly be happier and noone could make you happier, ever. Which I can see sounds ridiculous and why would I need someone to say that? Because thats crazy intense. & it breaks me to think I act like this because I am aware it is an insecurity in me.... :( It is horrible that every time I go down this path...

When I was with my ex, although there are a lot of reasons we ended, this demanding of feelings/being pushy caused a lot of the problems. It felt like banging our heads against a wall at times like he'd say 'I dooooo care but you are pushing me away'. & its only when I start to get in deep that this change occurs and instead of feeling breezy about stuff, I start to ask someone why they can't do this or say that about me?

In order to save this relationship or any relationship, I need to figure out ways to change this destructive behaviour because I really don't want to lose this person. To them, I have picked holes in pointless things when really I am very sensitive and really honestly care. I would like to be breezy and just know he cares and that be OK because the way I behave does not make me happy and I don't think its healthy.

Tonight it kind of came to a head. He said that he cares about me a lot, that when we first started seeing each other we were so happy and silly and now I seem to get annoyed a lot and are asking for emotional stuff he just can't give and doesn't know if he ever will.

Sorry for going on here.... :shock:
dingbat
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2010 4:40 am


#1

Postby satanstoystore » Tue Mar 02, 2010 8:12 am

when you say "do you think I am easily replaceable because if you do then I am not for you"

I feel "resistant" when I hear that. I have no idea what it is you're getting at. It's also a hint. I wouldn't hint with men. Just ask any/all your female friends if hints work with men. you can still hint if you want, I just don't think you'll get much success or satisfaction with it.

which is the next point. what feelings drive you to get upset easily and ask questions?

'cause you've got two issues. whatever was behind my question there, and a bf who's not expressive. which should be handled later. so, if you've got 1-3 specific emotions that make you feel upset and drive you to ask questions, what are they?
satanstoystore
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 8046
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2004 4:50 pm
Location: seattle

#2

Postby Livetowin » Tue Mar 02, 2010 3:11 pm

Here's something you need to keep in mind - You can only control yourself and when others start feeling like your pushing them into a corner, they will bolt. Every time. What your lacking here is confidence both in yourself and in your partner. You already know why he can't get real close right away, but your ignoring those facts and requesting more because you feel insecure when you don't hear things you want to hear. If you want to have a successful relationship, you need to start respecting other people's space and give them time to grow into yours. What your doing is establishing emotional expectations of what YOU want without any regard for what the other person may need. Relationships are a two way proposition and you can't go into them being overly needy. Being like that makes you appear as though your there just for the attention and not because your truly invested in that person. The relationship then becomes a burden to bare for that person and there becomes no reason to stay. Let him express himself in his own way and show that you can be understanding and respectful to his circumstances without letting it degrade into a discussion about YOUR feelings all the time. If he's there then he wants to be there. Don't sabotage it by asking him 20 questions about the relationship. He needs your support right now, not your critique.
Livetowin
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 638
Joined: Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:18 pm

#3

Postby Terminator02 » Wed Mar 03, 2010 12:45 am

I agree with live2win. You are asking people "am i easily replaceable?" because you want to see how far they will go for you. How far they love you. You want unconditional reassurance. The problem is that there are NO guarantees with life, relationships and with people. You just have to accept that you need to let the relationship do the talking sometimes. Let things fall into place.

Look, if he confirms that you are replaceable would you leave? Now if he says "baby I will only love you forever" but then you don't work out...was that really a lie? It's a no win situation.

So look at it this way: You are seeking unconditional love and commitment but have found that no matter what they say; it has ended. So why not play this hand differently? You already know what it is like to be left when you are in "deep." So be deep again...and just let the relationship do the talking.
Terminator02
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 531
Joined: Sun Sep 24, 2006 2:16 am
Location: Here and there

#4

Postby PoppyGoodWill » Wed Mar 03, 2010 3:16 am

I found that it wasn't until I was capable of *giving* the kind of love I want, that I was capable of getting it. It wasn't until I changed my view that it's possible for me to give that kind of love to someone, that I could recognize it when someone gave it to me.

We all view the world through our own lens, interpret it according to our own values and how we ourselves think. For instance, you and I might both see a man pick up a purse on a bus. You'd assume he's going to hand it in to lost and found, because that's what you'd do. Whereas I'd assume he'll take the money and dump the purse down the block, because that's what I do. (I wouldn't, but you see what I mean)

My point is, if you're always seeing partners who are not giving enough to you emotionally, then my question is: are you just assuming they're doing what you do? I'm ashamed to admit it, but truth is the times when I've ever been most insecure about a boyfriend leaving was almost always the same time I myself was thinking about dumping him.

And mind, being really intense and emotionally open is not actually the centre of love. LIke the very smart livetowin suggests, soemtimes it's about leaving someone alone or giving them space to do what they need and keeping your feelings to yourself.
PoppyGoodWill
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 2971
Joined: Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:57 am
Location: Kuwait

#5

Postby dingbat » Thu Mar 04, 2010 1:38 am

Thank you for your responses... things are clearer to me now so you really have helped me. I completely see that my behaviour comes across as just rather selfish and I think it is partially looking out for me (selfish) and also that I'm just worried and insecure like a few of you have said, which is weird to admit. & I am aware that a lot of my questioning etc is pointless so this is why I am trying to alter it...

To what you said Satanstoystore, I think what I have realised is that I need to work on my self worth because if I can reach a point were I don't need someone's reassurance because I have my own positive self opinion, this will make a huge difference in my relationships of all kinds.
In terms of when I get upset with him/what may lead to asking questions, I think if he jokes about our sex life it bothers me sometimes because I worry he sees me in some temporary way. Also I go into my shell a bit when I feel vulnerable and this can be seen as a change of 'mood' because when I have opened up, after I feel weird because its revealing me to someone I don't know is gonna stick around. & I get on some weird high horse wanting him to see me as really great so he won't walk away. But you can't stop someone walking away... love is always a risk and there are no guarantees with anyone other than yourself.
His ex has been on the scene so I guess I've been asking questions about us because I don't understand their rship (nor do I want to) so I guess I'm paranoid he may still have feelings (but he says he doesn't and hasn't spoken to her in a long time) but I just have to trust him. The fact he has told me she contacted him must be a good sign.
I think the main emotions/feelings that drive me to ask questions are feeling vulnerable, when I feel misunderstood and when I feel insecure/don't know where I stand and look for stability.

Live2win: You are exactly right. I need to focus on him and realise that he's trying to let me in; its just going to take time. You're right he needs my support. & I'm going to try my best to give it, to take a step back, to question less and listen more. & you're right, 'if he's there then he wants to be there' - that is the key point really- nothing I say or do will alter that. I guess I have to roll with it which I haven't ever really done before and that's why its gone wrong. I've added pressure when there's no need to & you're totally right daveh98 that I need to let the relationship do the talking. I definitely do think my views of how a relationship should work are jaded and that really, what I need to do is to take my foot off the accelerator and worry less.
He has gone through a lot of stress, is a brave and strong person and I know that we have the ability to make each other very happy so I'm going to try and hold stuff back a bit more and think them out until I have a step back before blurting them out. & if after this, he does walk away... well at least I'll know I tried, hey?
dingbat
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2010 4:40 am

#6

Postby satanstoystore » Thu Mar 04, 2010 4:21 pm

"I need to work on my self worth because if I can reach a point were I don't need someone's reassurance"

I have a strange hobby. A lot of folks disposing of loved one's estates ignorantly give valuables to thrift stores. So I stop by the self help book section pulling out occasional gems. The other day I found some first editions for $2, they sell for about $35. In this section are a lot of repeat books, the same books you find in foreclosed homes, left over evictions etc. Most of them are full of crap, that's why they dispose of them. self esteem, self worth, those are things other people use to describe what they don't know is going on inside of someone else. if we didn't have those concepts we'd just describe what's going on.

set aside labels of self worth, self-esteem etc. Turn it back into what it really is- a set of emotions. Those you can work on. You only need reassurance when you have a feeling like fear and doubt.

snippets-
"I'm just worried and insecure"

"I worry he sees me in some temporary way."

"when I have opened up, after I feel weird because its revealing

"I'm paranoid he may still have feelings"

"I just have to trust him." [implying you don't.]

"emotions/feelings that drive me to ask questions are feeling vulnerable, when I feel misunderstood and when I feel insecure/don't know where I stand and look for stability. "

normally I try not to guess but we should get to the root of this asap. so I'll give it a shot. you're afraid of being alone so you get worried, insecure. you're afraid you're not good enough and you feel vulnerable and paranoid he'll leave. Try that on and let me know if it fits.

if you want help fixing this completely I can help. last time I fixed something like loneliness it took about 17 minutes (I had to catch a bus). we're talking about paralyzing fear of being alone, desperate need for others to be around, crying breakdowns etc.- to just feeling "fine". though my interpretation of what''s going on seems to be 2 things, which makes me think theres something behind both of them linking them together.
satanstoystore
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 8046
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2004 4:50 pm
Location: seattle

#7

Postby dingbat » Thu Mar 04, 2010 11:31 pm

"you're afraid of being alone so you get worried, insecure. you're afraid you're not good enough and you feel vulnerable and paranoid he'll leave. Try that on and let me know if it fits".

That's it mostly... I'd say that I don't mind being on my own but I do prefer having company and am not often single- thats just how it happens. Over the past year I lived abroad and travelled so my own independence increased a lot and in this time I took up meditation, running and other things which I do on my own and I enjoy my own company. I would agree that I am afraid to an extent of being on my own but that when I am single it doesn't bother me half as much as I think it will. With this guy, I am not committed to him so I'm not scared of losing him like that but I love being with him so this is why I wouldn't want it to end. But just to clarify, if we don't work out I do not want another relationship.

Another thing I haven't mentioned is that I was cheated on after 2 years of a 4.5 year relationship and never really got over it to the point where I had to end the relationship because my mistrust in him made my feelings change irreversibly so I couldn't see him in the same light as I once did. & the 3 long term relationships since then have all ended with my 'endless questioning' behaviours. My father cheated on my mother a number of times when I was a child (they are not together) so I know the issue of trust with men is a lot of the reason why I feel vulnerable and question if I'm good enough because there will always be doubt in my mind when it comes to trust people simply because I have put my trust in people 100% and they've broken it completely. Even if I were to have a million different forms of therapy (& I have had some in the past), I do not see how I can trust like I used to because the pain from my past runs deep & only think that time will make it better because only by knowing someone can I trust them.

& since I was cheated on I rebelled against myself- before I finished the 4.5 year relationship I could have put my hand on my heart and said I am an honest person, would never cheat, could never lie to someone I was in a relationship with. Since then, I have lied and not cheated as such but been tempted much more so than before then. & I have felt guilty at times but also had a sense of justice for doing it which must also link to my past.....
dingbat
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2010 4:40 am

#8

Postby satanstoystore » Fri Mar 05, 2010 5:46 am

dingbat wrote:"time will make it better because only by knowing someone can I trust them. "


knowing them through time is a prerequisite to trust? the problem is mistrust begins with fear. I know this is kind of weird but it's a bit like weather. if you've been stuck in rain most of your life it's kind of hard to believe tomorrow's going to be sunny and dry. right? back in the day people in the tropics who had no mountains had a hard time conceiving what snow is. emotional patterns are like that too. they filter our world and define our behavior. when we live in a set of emotions that define our world, it's difficult to believe it could be anything else.
satanstoystore
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 8046
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2004 4:50 pm
Location: seattle



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Relationships