I hate being around people

Relationships and families - wonderful when they're working, distressing when they're not.

Postby Hugh_Jass » Thu Apr 22, 2010 10:45 am

Hey everyone,

I am a loner.always have been. I am married, have kids..good job..in excellent shape 40yrs old..have hobbies,..etc..I like my life. But, I find it hard to be around people,except my family.

I don't feel anxious around them..I feel angry around them. I don't like it when people strike up a conversation, I don't like hanging around with people.


I am completely avoidant. If I see someone I know, I turn and walk the other way. I don't go to parties ever, its annoying for me to be in others presence.

I find it hard to work or do anything for that matter that involves being around others. I do my grocery shopping at 3 a.m.,go to the gym at 5 a.m. to avoid others. When I'm alone or just with my wife and daughter, I'm great..but put me in a group,and I hate life. Is this normal??

My reason for asking is, I am finding it soooo hard to go to work, as my office is very social and I am rather popular ( I don't know why)..but,going to work is dreadful and ruins my day cuz I gotta interact with people I would never give the time of day to.

does anybody else feel the same?
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Postby Livetowin » Thu Apr 22, 2010 1:45 pm

It may be you like predictability in the people you are around, hence the reason why you invest heavily in family and stray from outside intervention. Hard to say. Although shopping at three in the morning to avoid people and then saying your popular at work sounds like quite the contradiction (if your being realistic about your circumstances). I have a brother who shares similar social fears as you and I have watched his social perspective deteriorate drastically because he alienates himself so much. His negativity has become so disruptive, it henders his ability to communicate effectively. I don't deem this to be a healthy trait nor do I believe your percieved "popularity" at work is real. I think when people try to create a hermit-like environment for themselves, they create false perceptions about themselves and those around them to justify this way of life. This is certainly a form of depression that you should get checked. I would seek counseling to help flush out what your main fears are so that you don't end up like my older brother. If left untreated, this can become a debilitating way of life.
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Postby Stephen2009 » Thu Apr 22, 2010 8:22 pm

I used to be the same but not at the same extreme as it sounds like you are at.

You are very introverted: do you want help changing because you just ask if anyone else has it?
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Postby dav1307 » Thu Apr 22, 2010 8:27 pm

You have to ask yourself, do you want to have good social skills? Do you want to like people? Do you want to enjoy life as much as you can, even if that includes when you are with other people besides your family? I think you may answer yes to these questions, and if so then work on changing. I understand you are already here so you're probably already working on changing. Hope that helps.
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Postby LonelyD2 » Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:01 pm

I wouldn't say it's a social problem as much as an anger issue.

I don't know if this could be caused because you feel superior, like nobody could have anything interesting/nice/relevant to tell you or like you have nothing to learn from others.

It could be that what I mentioned is making you more frustrated which ends up in anger.

You could also be worried about your ego, it might be too big and that part of you fears disappearing forever if you discover you're just as valuable as anyone else.

I'm not criticizing you, just giving suggestions.

Consider getting help, if not for you for your daughter, you're her role model.
Last edited by LonelyD2 on Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby *Nihilistic One* » Fri Apr 23, 2010 12:52 am

Stephen2009 wrote:I used to be the same but not at the same extreme as it sounds like you are at.

You are very introverted: do you want help changing because you just ask if anyone else has it?


Stephen!

You got a girl yet?
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Postby Hugh_Jass » Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:12 am

Thanks for the assessments. Yes, I do like predictability. I think what I meant by me being "popular" is that it seems I have no problem interacting with others,or having them interact with me. Its actually a requirement for my job that my clients/staff find me easy to engage with and easy to talk to, and my manger in his/her assessments of my performance at work always gives me good feedback in this area.. On the outside, I appear easily approachable and easy going. I have been assessed for depression and social anxiety and I do not meet the criteria. I have had lots of friends, I just tend to not maintain the relationships..I don't call people back after awhile..I avoid others. I easily make friends...I just really find it difficult to maintain the friendship. I don't know why,but,I feel pressured,so to speak,when someone asks me to do something at some point in the friendship. For example, I've had friends ask me to go to movies, or go to concert or even just hang out. I choke and end up canceling the invite at the last minute.After many cancellations the person gives up. I am not saddened when this happens, I'm relieved. I go to the gym daily and have lotsa acquaintances there, but, it's got to the point where I have changed gyms just to avoid "chit chat". I in no way feel superior to others,nor do I feel inferior.. I am aware being social is a cornerstone of being healthy. However, it seems to be very difficult for me to be social. I feel fine with it,I just often wonder if it's something I need to address,or is it something to be left alone "if it ain't broke ,don't fix it" . I have spoken to therapists about this, and they all hold the same opinion that I should try and connect with others. But, I don't seem to want to. I connect very well with my wife and daughter, and want nothing more than to be a good role model for her. I'm not sure if I should try and tolerate others and eventually, I will enjoy their company..or just continue as is. I will add I have adult ADHD and my schedule is very rigid in order to control my symptoms. I have had anger issues, but,rarely do I act out.I do isolate myself for relief. One of my biggest problems is I can't tolerate movement. More specifically, I dislike being in crowds,or if I were in a very busy environment, I get overstimulated and need to escape.So, consequently, being at a party is tuff, I can do it,but, it drains me. I seem to RECHARGE by being alone, and feel drained the more I time I spend with others. I see people as intrusive, rather than pleasant. I in no way want to feel like that. I would like to hear others thought and experiences. Thanks
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Postby tokeless » Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:54 am

Hi Hugh.
How do you feel when you are in those social situations? Does your heart race or your thoughts? Do you want to flee etc?
I'm not sure if you want to change the situation and perhaps this is anxiety related (i.e avoidance of change or accepting you need to)?

I think it also depends on the impact it has. You don't seem too bothered by it, but I wonder how your family feel? They may want you to be more socialable but don't want to tell you because they see how you behave when in these situations, so ignore it. What about if you children brought friends over to the house.. do you avoid talking to them or stay out of the way?

If you have capacity, then you can choose to be how you wish, but we have to consider how it effects others in your life?
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Postby Hugh_Jass » Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:43 am

Hey Tokeless,

In social situations I feel as though I just want to get them over with and that I am just "acting" like I enjoy them, when I'd rather be pursuing my hobbies, or hanging out with my wife and daughter at home. My thoughts race all the time,which is symptom of my ADHD,although being out of my preferred environments exacerbate my thoughts racing and does elevate my heart rate. Anxiety is hard for me to distinguish, I rarely can sit still,and have so much energy at times it's to my detriment. I don't feel lonely and it appears to have little impact on me, if I can assess that accurately. I don't feel the need to change personally. I do believe that it has had an impact on my wife. In that I cannot tolerate nor do I enjoy having others over.... if I can I avoid it at all costs, or I grin and bare it.So, it does impact her. She works in mental health field, as do I, and we have discussed it rationally,and in therapy. She states it's not an issue, and she admits to not being social either,albeit she is more social than I. When I have tried to maintain friends it does make my situation worse in that I become more irritable and unhappy,like I'm doing something that I don't want to do.

My motivation to figure this out lies mainly in that if it is an issue that needs addressed, i.e. depression, anxiety or something of that nature, I would like to resolve it, as it makes going to work, or going out in general unbearable. As mentioned in an above post, I do want to enjoy life to it's fullest. I would like to see an improvement in the tolerance of my activities, and not necessarily enjoy people more, in other words, I dont think I'll ever be comfortable at parties, or concerts.I don't want to avoid going to the store because I have to wait until 3 a.m.,so I can be alone in the store, It's limiting my life and those around me. Yes, I do want to change,however,I feel it's my nature,and if it is, how does one change that?
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Postby mikey6v23 » Tue Jun 22, 2010 12:20 pm

I'm exactly the same, I think this thread may be long dead but I relate to everything Hugh_Jass said.

Past 5 years I've become more of a Lone Wolf, I'll be 21 in September. I just don't like socialising with people, at all. I've got a couple friends that I keep quite close (I say that but I haven't seen them since December, I think that was mainly because I was going college a massive load of work though). Hanging out with these few people I don't have a problem with.. but everyone else I do.

Got this BBQ later today, contemplating going. Then again I would much rather do my own thing than attend the BBQ. Bunch of people I barely know and loads more that I don't know, I can't be bothered with small chat with people I barely even know so I don't see how it could be fun.

Last BBQ I was forced to go to by my mum years ago, an adult giving me small talk about his work and my college and a guy my age making small talk about computer games.. I completely ignored the video games guy because after holding up a convo with the adult I feel like I would talk to this kid then 5 minutes later someone else making small talk about something generic.

I avoid parties like the plague, drunk people really get on my nerves.. like I said got a couples of friends I really enjoy spending time with.

I get what you say about the popularity thing, I've never been hated, I've always been friendly with people I meet and do get a lot of requests to come out to clubs and events which I just decline.. sometimes I accept for future events (like this BBQ event) but then on the day I cancel.

I could talk about it for ages but I think I've already written a bit of a book.. Anyway, just saying I completely relate to everything you're saying, right down to the smallest detail.

I don't see it as too much of a problem.. I'm getting on absolutely fine the way I am, being a lone wolf is just part of my nature.. changing my personality to make it better suit the world and people in it is just a bit artificial? I don't think that's the right word but I think you'll know where I'm coming from

Best of luck
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Postby drywater » Thu Jun 24, 2010 6:03 pm

oh no you hate being around people! heres a thought pretend that they are avatars all locked up in a forum and all your problems will go away. i mean you can talk and open up to us over the internet right so why not them?
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Postby nivek_nailgun » Thu Jun 24, 2010 6:11 pm

I'm similar to this also. I don't get angry, unless the person trying the chit chat just won't take my physical or verbal cues that I'm ready to be done with the conversation. I dislike idle chat a lot and on top of it I hate being touched by anyone other than my wife or child. Even (and maybe especially) handshakes.
I don't know what starts it or why it continues to develop. It just feels like a total waste of time to sit around and talk about the weather or 'guy talk' like sports or women. Even hearing others near me engage in such things annoys me. Like a previous poster, I don't feel better than anyone in any sort of way, but these things simply annoy me.
I go to work and go home, no interest whatsoever in going to social functions as I have more fun at home.
I do interact, although not anything like others. When I go to lunch at work, I go to the gym and invite a couple of guys who sometimes take the offer, but usually do not. Doesn't bother me at all. The rare occassion I eat instead, I've no problem doing it alone. But, I know of other guys who cannot eat alone and even get mad if someone won't go with them.
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Postby Jason Field » Fri Jun 25, 2010 4:04 am

You are a total introvert. You hate people because you don't know how to deal with them. man, you need to consult a counselor regarding this matter, your case needs a social adjustment and therapy.
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Postby sarsparilla » Sat Jun 26, 2010 10:39 pm

Brief response: it may be a psychological problem, equally, it may not. Introversion or feeling antisocial isn't necesarily a problem, it could simply be a preference.
Google "INTJ Forum" and you'd find plenty of likeminded folk who don't see this as a problem at all. Perhaps they're all depressed, or perhaps it's different strokes for different folks.

I think I'd be a much less tolerant person if I didn't have a dose of daily alone time, frankly.
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Postby Jessica Lee » Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:51 am

Hi Im 21 Im married i have a child loveing very close family....but i dont like being around other people beside people i have known for years and only my family and most of the time friends but not offten. I only like being around my husband and child and my family....i dont go into groups or i have to leave the ansitey is so bad.....i like small town stores were everyone knows u......my husband is the exact same way as me....so is my mother and my grandmother and grandfather and father.....we all rather be with our spouses dont really have many friends only a few and live very much alike......my daughter has ocd at a very young age i have noticed she not even 2 yet and has things she has to do....like me and her father also my family mother grandmother father gradfather also ocd.....also if im going somewhere and someone sujust a different way or to stop somewhere else it thoughs me off for the hole day......my child is my how life i dont even let her out of my site.....she is my everything also i talk to my family at least 9 times a day sometimes as much as 20 times a day.....me and my husband have never spent more than 2 days apart from each other since we metand when we weren't together we were on the phone most of the time making hard for me to work........i only feel ok around ppl i know.........i have a wonderful life the white picket fence life to the tee...so i dont understand y i dont like being around people......and i dont understand y i have depression can anyone maybe give me a insite on how i might get over this
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