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ICEMAN_MEX
Junior Member
Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 26
Wed Jun 02, 2010 7:16 pm
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| HELP...!!!!! |
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Hi.
I'm new at the forum and I really not sure which will be the correct forum, to inquire
Well, the situations is My girlfriend told me some time ago that she is depress and anxious and she was under treatment (she takes prozac), but as the relation became better she told me she was treated for Eating Disorders, I think she purged and stopped eating, during the beginning of our relation I saw she has and other issue "Alcohol" at the beginning I taught it was a social activity, but then I realized it was more than a social drinker.
I’ve been dealing with her issues for nearly 2 years, At the begging I was skeptical for the first 3 issues (Depression, Anxiety, ED) and sometimes judge her because I was neophyte about the topics but then I read and learnt a lil bit and stopped judging her.
I think the hardest thing for me to handle is the mood swings. They're completely irrational and seem to swallow so much energy and are so destructive
The only issue I can not stand is the way she drinks, As I can see is not only a social drinker, I had many disagreements with her about it, and she always says I'm trying to control her, but now I realized the one who controls her is alcohol.
She goes out with friends during work days and gets booze, and I really don't like it not because she goes out and have fun, it is most because I don't want she gets hurt and also because I now when she is not with me she can control how much she Drinks, sometimes even with me.
Now as she knows I don't like it she does and now became aggressive and defiant
It is really running me down and her behavior is affecting the person I am.
I'm not sure if it is combination of all issues (Depression, Anxiety, ED, alcoholism).
Or one of this the root and brings out the rest.
I really need some help I love her.!!! |
Motivated
Preferred Member
Joined: 26 Nov 2009
Posts: 433
Thu Jun 03, 2010 4:37 pm
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| Re: HELP...!!!!! |
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quote:
Originally posted by ICEMAN_MEX
... she always says I'm trying to control her, but now I realized the one who controls her is alcohol...
...when she is not with me she can control how much she Drinks, sometimes even with me...
It is really running me down and her behavior is affecting the person I am...
... I love her.!!!
Iceman,
You mentioned she says you are trying to control her but now you realize alcohol is the controler. Remember that! You CAN'T control her, only yourself. It's not easy to care in the right way - you want the best for her, but you can't force that on her. In fact, the more you try to, the more you might unintentionally prevent her from experiencing consequences she needs to be motivated to change.
I hope the best for you & I hope you hope that too! |
ICEMAN_MEX
Junior Member
Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 26
Thu Jun 03, 2010 6:02 pm
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Motivated
Thnkns for posting back.
Well I said that she said I’m trying to control her but as my point of view I’m concern about the thinks that could happen to her when she is bossy.
As a matter of fact, she did it again this last Tuesday, she got boozy again and crash her car, but she was mostly worry and mad because her girlfriend, (Her drinker partner) abandoned her at the party, she tried to argue with me but I didn’t answer any of her attacks, but it made her mad at me.
She had many car accidents and as I can see she is not a skill driver, she also flipped over a car in the past.
Is there any recommendation on how can I approach to her and talk about it, without she feels I judge her or control her.??? |
HeatFever
New Member
Joined: 01 Jun 2010
Posts: 4
Thu Jun 03, 2010 6:32 pm
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That's a hard situation. Obviously she is not happy, or else she would not being doing such destructive things to herself and people she loves. But you cannot force her to be happy...
I would suggest trying to bring up things she might like to do with you... what are some of her other interests? Going to concerts, plays, the park, paintball, exercising, shopping, watching movies, even church or something... whatever... if she can get interested in something else she finds fun, she will feel more fulfilled with her life and not try to fill her wanting with the only way she knows how to have fun (which I gather is partying).
But like Motivated said, you can't change her. You can, however, help her change and direct her to a more healthy past time. So just talk to her about what she likes to do and make plans with her. and make sure to actually follow through with your plans or you may break her trust and comfort! |
Motivated
Preferred Member
Joined: 26 Nov 2009
Posts: 433
Thu Jun 03, 2010 7:16 pm
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Iceman,
Contrary to what many movies show, just because you're a guy & she's a girl, doesn't mean she can treat you like crap. Honestly, I think you need to take a break from her, but first talk with her. Sit down with her (when she is sober) & tell her you care about & love her, but that it hurts you too much to be treated badly & to worry so much about her. Explain that you want to be with her, but not with the alcohol, which makes her into someone she isn't. You could refer her to AA or some other help for her problems. Tell her that you'll be there if she decides to get help getting sober, but that you both need & deserve better than how the relationship has been.
If you do break it off with her - make sure you really take care of yourself - do things that you enjoy. - Heatfever gave some good ideas.
My oppinion - take it, or leave it. Try to see the big picture & remember to care for yourself, not just her. It's the only way to have a good relationship. |
ICEMAN_MEX
Junior Member
Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 26
Thu Jun 03, 2010 7:39 pm
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I would like to take a break but since it’s ending the school courses where she is a teacher it will be plenty of parties If feel she will take our break as a reason to be booze, and also she is going back to USA at the end off the month permanently and I have to stay at Mexico because of my work.
All those thinks are making me feel lil anxious and stress and It’s funny but I don’t know how to deal with, even I’m IT tech support and deal with stress and difficult task and at the end of the day I solve this problems. |
Motivated
Preferred Member
Joined: 26 Nov 2009
Posts: 433
Fri Jun 04, 2010 12:49 am
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Iceman,
You're not the only one who wonders why he can deal with all kinds of issues, except the relationship kind. 
Remember, ultimately SHE is in control of herself. Yes, alcohol or other addictions can make her life unmanageable, but it seems like in addictions like that, she might need to hit rock bottom so she can bounce out of it.
Live & learn. It sounds like you'll be split up soon anyway - so why not make it a good learning experience for both of you? Then, you'll have a better chance at a happier relationship, which you do want, right?  I ask because sometimes attraction to unhealthy people & trying to "save" them can be an addiction in itself. |
ICEMAN_MEX
Junior Member
Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 26
Fri Jun 04, 2010 6:11 pm
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You right, but at the moment it is like a huracane, destroying all left.
Sometimes I also think we idealize people and as more we know them you figure out their defects and with some we can deal and other just we can't, and most of the times it happens with the people we love. |
ICEMAN_MEX
Junior Member
Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 26
Fri Jun 04, 2010 6:41 pm
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I also would like to share other experience.
She is going to the Psychologist for her depression, and she talked to him about her depression for gaining weight because she had Eating disorders before and he will try to decrease her Prozac dose (she was taking 3 pills a day) and also he explained It could be a reason for gaining weight, and recommended a dietician but she never went, and also her eating habits are more like for junk food.
But mainly I was invited to her sessions a couple of times, and I have the impression she didn’t told him all sensitive details like her taste for alcohol and I brought out cause he asked me why I was uncountable with her social life, and I tell him cause I think she can control how much alcohol she drinks, (and now I realize probably she can control it and she likes getting booze) well she went ballistic and the doctor asked her how much she drinks often in her lunch with her friend and she said a couple of bottles of white wine and a pair of other liquor drinks sometimes and asked her how many drinks she had in a normal day at home and how often and she answered mmm 3 or 4 glasses of white wine (which is a bottle) like 3 or 4 time a week (plus the times she goes with her friend) and the doctor just said It’s a lot and she just was shocked the doctor said that and she didn’t replay.
The point is the doctor confirmed my concern about how much she drinks but I’m not sure if he recommended her some help for this addiction.
I think it is helping me because I haven’t talked with any body about it. |
Motivated
Preferred Member
Joined: 26 Nov 2009
Posts: 433
Sat Jun 05, 2010 2:53 am
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Iceman,
I'm glad for you, that you feel a little better after that experience.
You made a good point about getting to know people including their weaknesses. I heard something about that today, how weaknesses are doorways to our soul....& how the doorway to success opens inward, not outward.
I admire your sensitivity & commitment to your girlfriend. It's good to have compassion for your girlfriend, but remember a healthy relationship is reciprocal. Has she shown much concern for your well-being? What do you consider a healthy relationship to be like? |
ICEMAN_MEX
Junior Member
Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 26
Wed Jun 09, 2010 5:24 pm
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quote:
Originally posted by Motivated
Iceman,
I admire your sensitivity & commitment to your girlfriend. It's good to have compassion for your girlfriend, but remember a healthy relationship is reciprocal. Has she shown much concern for your well-being? What do you consider a healthy relationship to be like?
Well not exactly she has been concern on my well-being at all. She's very worry on her own issues and since I do not show my problems at all I feel our relationship goes around her, I left most of my hobbies, friends and the things I used to do, I’m not guilty her for that but I think It was the process to live as a couple, ‘kaz now I’m not only me but us so I left some things and got other ones, but she seems like can’t move on, as I told her
she prefer to stay in her comfort area, even it is hurting her.
How a healthy relationship should be,, well is a good question, and I believe it depends to each one.
In my opinion it should be, intelligent, productive, funny and compatible. In general terms is quite difficult to explain and also create a healthy relationship due the goals each involved at the relation wants, also I could say in most be in balance.
As per my experience dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, stress and alcohol is quite difficult to be in balance, because the person who has this issues is not in balance with him/herself so to be in balance with a relation make it double work.
But It's really worth a try. |
Motivated
Preferred Member
Joined: 26 Nov 2009
Posts: 433
Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:54 pm
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I think loving someone comes from a base of self-love & self-respect (& choosing someone who is giving in these terms) & in striving for the best for the other.
quote:
Originally posted by ICEMAN_MEX
Well not exactly she has been concern on my well-being at all. She's very worry on her own issues ...
As per my experience dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, stress and alcohol is quite difficult to be in balance, because the person who has this issues is not in balance with him/herself so to be in balance with a relation make it double work.
But It's really worth a try.
Is it, really? Would you advise someone you cared about to be in a relationship like this? |
ICEMAN_MEX
Junior Member
Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 26
Thu Jun 10, 2010 5:13 pm
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quote:
Originally posted by Motivated
Is it, really? Would you advise someone you cared about to be in a relationship like this?
Well probably YES, I think we should try to help the ones we love, not just keep them aside. I know my issue with my girlfriend is hard but I could say I tried.
In adition after all we expirienced today I recived a SMS from her saying "Thank youfor being there! I think I'm going to give up drinking for a while it makes me feel worse"
I'm not sure if she will but I need to trust and if it is real I will help her in the prosess to be sover.
Also I know it is not a total asseveration cause she said give up drinking for a while,, how long is a while..?? she only knows |
Motivated
Preferred Member
Joined: 26 Nov 2009
Posts: 433
Thu Jun 10, 2010 8:07 pm
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I agree, that it's good to help those we love. It's not so good to base a relationship on your love of helping someone. Everyone has problems - & it's nice to help each other - but if the problems are the beginning & base of a relationship, then it could be that the attraction is not to the person, but to the problem.
It could be that you & your girlfriend started out on more healthy terms, but then things turned worse & you're being supportive, hoping that things could be better, as they were before. I hope the best for you, either way. |
ICEMAN_MEX
Junior Member
Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 26
Thu Jul 22, 2010 6:11 pm
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Hi.
It’s been more than a month since my last post, and I would like to share the updates.
Well my girlfriend moved back to USA at the beginning of this month, she will start her PHD.
So I helped her with all that moving, we were sad because we have to separate for a while, I spent some days at her mom’s house it was kind of normal my time there, but the last day we were there, we decided to go out and have a nice dinner together and after that going out to a bar (she planned that) I decided to go even I was scared about she will drink a lot, we went dinner, and had an amazing dinner we asked for a bottle of white wine and she took most of the bottle, then we went to the W bar it wasn’t good at all, she asked for a martini and I asked for a whiskey with mineral water, after 15min she asked for another one, I wasn’t upset at all but after her second drink she started to she started looking at other guys, and she started a non pleasant conversation about our countries you know this type of conversations that do not take you anywhere and she was like aggressive and any of my comments the conversation became worst, I told her OK this conversation is out of control and there’s no point let’s change the topic, and she agreed but any topic she was aggressive and her sights to other guy didn’t stopped. She asked for another drink (3rd), it was like one hour 30 minutes after we arrived, she decided to leave, we were leaving the bar but at the elevator he saw 4 girls coming out of the elevator talking, and one of the said to other one she looks gorgeous, and my GF exclaim something not nice about, they heard and got shocked. Well when we were out, she said to the valet parking “Hi gorgeous how you doing” and I went to pay for the parking, when coming back there was 2 girls and a guy going to the bar and I realized she was smiling him and when aside to us she say HI to him,, the girls with him were like mad, then she said Well Is very early to go home but donkey you look tired let’s go (you know like she was looking for more fun) and I was so mad and tell her you can stay and have fun, you can also go with the guy you just smiled and she got ballistic.
She started to yelled at me in front of everyone, at the car it became worst and I didn’t want say a word to make it worst.
I was really shocked about all that drama, I didn’t realized she was boozy until that.
Then the next day she just said I’m sorry, I didn’t want to talk her just basic things
At the airport I told her “this is it” and she said no you will come back and marry me, and I told her well you first have to control they way u drink or even better stop drinking, and she said I will, I add because it came to the point you are aggressive, defiant, someone that I don’t want to be with and she said I told you I will but you have to trust.
And it has been 2 week since we said good bye..!!! |
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