Married but I want to have my own space.....

Postby danix4646 » Wed Jun 30, 2010 9:28 pm

Guys,

I have been married since 2008, and since then my life has changed. I am depressed, I hate to come back to home. I feel like I want to be alone in my home I wand to have my own space. I love my wife, but I feel her presence with me is ting me up. I want to be alone to relax and do whatever I want.

What I should do? How can I have my own space while being married? This thing is causing me depression sometimes and sadness.

Can anyone advise?
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#1

Postby PoppyGoodWill » Thu Jul 01, 2010 11:40 am

I think this is a situation for a lot of married couples. You have to find a way to live together without living on top of one another. I don't think of this as a "want", but a "need" for everyone. I think this is why men traditionally have garages they go out and mess around in, and women have kitchens or "sewing rooms' they kicked other people out of so they could have a bit of space to do their own thing.

So this is not strange or weird. It's just going to take some negotiation. First thing you have to be clear about...what does "space" actually mean. YOu want space. Do you mean you want time alone? Do you mean you want to have some unsheduled downtime that you can use as you like? Do you mean you want a room of your own that you can go in and shut the door from time to time? Do you mean that sometimes you want to be able to make your own plans without having ot include your wife?

Be more specific, that will help figure out a way to get what you want...
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#2

Postby crystalr0w3 » Fri Jul 02, 2010 4:32 am

It just reminds me of the movie Sex and the City 2 wherein Carrie's hubby proposed a "2 days off" away from the marriage, so that when they come back again after the 2 days off, it's like they're missing each other. In these days off they can have their own personal time, doing their own business.
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#3

Postby ellla » Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:57 pm

danix4646 wrote:Guys,

I have been married since 2008, and since then my life has changed. I am depressed, I hate to come back to home. I feel like I want to be alone in my home I wand to have my own space. I love my wife, but I feel her presence with me is ting me up. I want to be alone to relax and do whatever I want.

What I should do? How can I have my own space while being married? This thing is causing me depression sometimes and sadness.

Can anyone advise?



This appears to be much more than you needing your own space. from what you are saying there seems to be a mismatch of personalites between you and your wife.
Have you considered marriage counselling?. Marriage should be about balance. Counselling should help work out if you can achieve this!
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#4

Postby freedom80 » Sat Jul 03, 2010 2:54 pm

What is stopping you from doing your own thing? Everyone is entitled to do their own thing still. Just because you are married doesn't mean to have to spend every second in the others company. If you do more seperate things you will appreciate the time the spend with each other more. Also maybe when you do spend time together you should make an effort to go out and do something exciting and differnent, try not to get into routine.
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#5

Postby danix4646 » Sun Jul 04, 2010 2:48 am

PoppyGoodWill wrote:I think this is a situation for a lot of married couples. You have to find a way to live together without living on top of one another. I don't think of this as a "want", but a "need" for everyone. I think this is why men traditionally have garages they go out and mess around in, and women have kitchens or "sewing rooms' they kicked other people out of so they could have a bit of space to do their own thing.

So this is not strange or weird. It's just going to take some negotiation. First thing you have to be clear about...what does "space" actually mean. YOu want space. Do you mean you want time alone? Do you mean you want to have some unsheduled downtime that you can use as you like? Do you mean you want a room of your own that you can go in and shut the door from time to time? Do you mean that sometimes you want to be able to make your own plans without having ot include your wife?

Be more specific, that will help figure out a way to get what you want...


Yes, I want to have my own HOME. not only room, I am guy who loves silence in the house so I can relax and think and do whatever I want. But I am afraid that if I am looking for this, that means I made a mistake by getting married.

I don't know really, it is causing my depression these days, and I hate my wife presence around me even she loves me and she want to be with me, but I want to be alone........do I have a pschology problem?
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#6

Postby danix4646 » Wed Jul 07, 2010 12:29 am

Yes, I want to have my own HOME. not only room, I am guy who loves silence in the house so I can relax and think and do whatever I want. But I am afraid that if I am looking for this, that means I made a mistake by getting married.

I don't know really, it is causing my depression these days, and I hate my wife presence around me even she loves me and she want to be with me, but I want to be alone........do I have a pschology problem?
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#7

Postby PoppyGoodWill » Wed Jul 07, 2010 2:02 am

If you felt you had more control over your personal space, do you think your lvoing feelings for your wife would flood back in? In other words - is the need for space because you don't like your wife's presence? Or do you not like your wife's presence because you need space? Which is the chicken,a nd which is the egg?
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#8

Postby danix4646 » Sat Jul 10, 2010 2:07 am

Very good point, no I don't like my wife presence around me sometimes, because I want to have my own space, especailly, when I am worried or need to concentrate to fix an issue, or I am feeling depressed.
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#9

Postby PoppyGoodWill » Sat Jul 10, 2010 3:14 am

Seems to me you should be able to negotiate that. Does she know you feel this way? What tends to happen when you feel the need to withdraw? How does it go between you?
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#10

Postby danix4646 » Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:01 am

Yes, she knows, but the problem I tend to need more time alone than with her, which makes her sad and I don't want to see her sad.
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#11

Postby PoppyGoodWill » Sun Jul 11, 2010 3:41 am

So what's the compromise? Youv'e got to get creative. I have a feeling that once you have the compromise in place and you get the time alone that you need, you will need less of it. IN other words, once you feel you can have it when you need it, you won't need it as much.

What kind of living situation do you have now? I know some couples who buy or rent a house with two apartments and they each live in one. Or one couple had a duplex, side by side houses.

Your wife is going to be sad. This is going to rock her world. IN a bad way :-) But it all depends on how you go about it. If you are 100% SURE that this is not a tricky way for you to dump her - slowly and painfully and without telling her the truth - then you should be able to declare your undying love for her while you ask for this compromise.

I suggest you two get into counseling and start to work on these things. If you want this to work, and you want your marriage to last, then you will need to really be there for her during this. Becuase she will feel you are breaking away from her and that is terrible to endure. She may dump you because she feels she can't trust you anymore, or feels that you're not really committed anymore. If you want her to stay around, you will have to work hard to get it while you ask for this huge thing from her. This is not what she signed up for; you want to change the rules 6 years into the game. It can be done, but it takes great sensitivity and patience and responsibility on your part.
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