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Psychology forum home -> Relationships -> SHOULD I BE HIS FRIEND AFTER HE HURT ME SO BAD This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.

SHOULD I BE HIS FRIEND AFTER HE HURT ME SO BAD


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Krissy_Cat
New Member


Joined: 17 Apr 2010
Posts: 11

Post Thu Jul 01, 2010 3:24 pm

SHOULD I BE HIS FRIEND AFTER HE HURT ME SO BAD    Reply with quote  

My ex contacted me about a week ago because he wanted to "hang out". I made previous post explaining the situation and how he wanted to date one of my closest friends. See he cheated on me, broke up with me out of no where and then asked on of my closet friends on a date.

He called me last week and said he loved me still and he wants to hang out. I have become severely depressed over all of this and cut off all contact but the truth is that I miss him and I still love him. Im scared he will hurt me again and also on the phone it was so hard to talk to him because I kept thinking about how bad he hurt me. We went out for years and planned our lives together.

No I feel so lost and confused. Should I see someone who I miss so bad but know is not good for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation?
  
PoppyGoodWill
MVP
MVP


Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 2971
Location: Kuwait

Post Thu Jul 01, 2010 3:54 pm

   Reply with quote  

Dont' see him. Seriously. Someone who breaks your heart like that and then comes back saying only, I want to hang out, is not to be trusted. He's probably lonely and looking for an easy emotional grab.

If you can't stop yourself, then you should ask a lot of questions up front. I know you feel like this is a slim chance for something and if you push too much it might scare him off, but let's be clear - he has to earn your trust and attention again after what he did. YOu have power here too. He wants to see you now, and so you can choose.

Over the phone make him give you some good reasons for seeing him again. What does he want? What are his intentions? Does acknowledge what he's done, or want to gloss over it? Does he say, I don't want to talk about that stuff, I just miss you and want ot hang out. Make him work for it sister.

Cause you know that even if you hang out and have a good time, unless he is serious about pulling things together again, at the end of your outing you are going to feel almost worse. YOu've going to be vulnerable again, and wondering what's goign on, and if he calls or doesn't call, or texts but doesn't call...you'll be wondering what it means...oh the agony.

Right now it's clear: he broke your heart cause he's a cheating jerk. If you see him again then it will be fuzzy again. And as much as your'e hurting now, fuzzy hurts worse. So think VERY carefully.

Also, here is a website that you can find other folks going through exactly what you are right now: www.soyouvebeendumped.com
Krissy_Cat
New Member


Joined: 17 Apr 2010
Posts: 11

Post Thu Jul 01, 2010 6:00 pm

   Reply with quote  

He says that he still loves me and that he misses me. He says he has been with other women since the break up but that he cant stop thinking about how they are not me. This is what has me so confused. I feel like he should have known if I was the one after all the years we spent together. Im still very hurt by what he did. He says he understand why im hurt but he doesnt understand how I could think not communicating with him will help.


Thank you for your response and for the link.
PoppyGoodWill
MVP
MVP


Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 2971
Location: Kuwait

Post Thu Jul 01, 2010 10:42 pm

   Reply with quote  

What does your gut tell you to do here? Contact, or no contact? Quick, without thinking about it....
freedom80
Senior Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2009
Posts: 1217

Post Sat Jul 03, 2010 3:09 pm

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So hes been with others , not just your close friend since he split up. hes had his fun now wants you back. I would feel so betrayed, I wouldn't give him a second chance. Fair enough if he had doubts, it seems alot of guys go through this after a few years with someone. If he had doubts on his feelings/commitment for you he should of told you this and both discussed it rather than dumping you as he did and having fun with others only to casually ask for you back.

i think guys input here would help. I don't really see why guys think its fair to do this, if it was the other way round they'd hate it!
Krissy_Cat
New Member


Joined: 17 Apr 2010
Posts: 11

Post Tue Jul 06, 2010 2:53 pm

   Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by PoppyGoodWill
What does your gut tell you to do here? Contact, or no contact? Quick, without thinking about it....


My gut tells me that I am in love with him and I miss him and want to see him but then it quickly tells me No do not do that, do not see him. That's why I'm so confused
ICEMAN_MEX
Full Member


Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 109

Post Tue Jul 13, 2010 9:16 pm

   Reply with quote  

Hi.
As a men point of view, all comments are right, and actually is not fair.
You should not give him and other opportunity to hurt you, people is not like cars
That you can change model when u are tired from your old car and take it back when ever u want.
It seems you are very hurt but you put first the love u feel for him, but he does..??

Also could I ask you if you could trust on him again...???
In my shoes it will be around in my head all the time, and provably will ruin the relation or makes it a hell.

I hope it can help you, I'm under a Girlfriend dilemma too..
PoppyGoodWill
MVP
MVP


Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 2971
Location: Kuwait

Post Wed Jul 14, 2010 1:23 am

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Well, when I'm confused and don't know what to do, I do nothing. I wait until it becomes clear to me. I suggest you wait a bit, give it time to unfold. Give it time to see how he behaves, how you feel after your life carries on a bit and your loneliness is soothed by the presence of family and friends. Give it time. You've got good reasons not to rush ahead back to him.
theforsaken
Senior Member


Joined: 20 Dec 2009
Posts: 1667

Post Wed Jul 14, 2010 2:06 am

   Reply with quote  

what you should do is not "hang out", instead you should continue to sever all contact, if he rings dont answer, if he texts dont reply.

I'm also a guy and I also agree with what the other guys wrote here.

simply put, if you go back to him, youre the victom again.
PsyChris
MVP
MVP


Joined: 23 Dec 2007
Posts: 1452
Location: Brooklyn, NY

Post Wed Jul 14, 2010 2:22 am

   Reply with quote  

I know it is hard to do but you need to remember why you are not together now. Unless he takes steps to get some serious help, then everything is going to be like it was or worse. You will end up with a double broken heart.

I think if he cared for you in the right way he would be telling you to get help for your depression and then you both can move from there.
scubaseven
Junior Member


Joined: 14 Jul 2010
Posts: 74

Post Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:26 am

   Reply with quote  

He just wants to use you to boost his ego.
Move on with your life.
Everyone has probably been in a similar position. Immerse yourself into your work or friends until you are over it.
ICEMAN_MEX
Full Member


Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 109

Post Thu Jul 15, 2010 4:48 pm

   Reply with quote  

An other input.

Should you be his friend ..? well it depends on how much you are able to tolerate and accept.
In my opinion, you had a sentimental relation with him and you still loving him even you feel he cheated you (or he did) so this cheated feeling will be always in you mind and hardly disappear.
In my experience the ones which did something wrong to me or our relation a close contact, I just have an ex-girlfriend which I still having contact with, but is not very close contact and also there were not much feelings involved, so is not actually hard to talk or say hello to her.
tourmaline
Full Member


Joined: 21 May 2009
Posts: 286

Post Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:03 pm

   Reply with quote  

Ooo... methinks of "Fall Back Girl" - you know, the one they know they can turn to and fall back on when there's no one else around. I've been her to one guy who also "loved me and knew it too late" about four times in a row.

Don't be her. Fall Back Girl once, Fall Back Girl forever, just because they know they can.

Cut loose and start afresh with someone who has never done the dirty on you; and hopefully never will.

Good Luck with it all.

tourmaline
SLK
New Member


Joined: 16 Jul 2010
Posts: 16

Post Fri Jul 16, 2010 7:00 pm

   Reply with quote  

He is looking for a shoulder to cry on.
He is looking for attention / ego stroke.
He is looking for a shag.

He is people CAN change if they want to and if they work at it.

I understand wanting it to work out especially if you've been with someone for some time, you have invested a lot of time and emotion on this man.

You can either continue no contact.

Or in reply to his request to hang out, be blunt, ask him why, ask what does he want? If you've told him you want nothing to do with him and he persists on contacting you it is not a sign of undying love, if he respected you he would do as you ask and keep away.

Remember how bad he made you feel, remember how confused you're feeling now. How could you ever trust him again?
Krissy_Cat
New Member


Joined: 17 Apr 2010
Posts: 11

Post Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:20 pm

   Reply with quote  

Thank you all for the replies, sorry I have not been on for awhile.

I just got a call the other day I guess my ex is moving out of the state and he wants to take me out to dinner one last time before he goes.

I do not see the point of this as it will just hurt me probably even more to see him knowing that he is leaving. He also lied to me about trying to persue other people when I know through a source that he has been trying to hook up with people he meets online (facebook, plentyoffish). I do not understand he acts like he is so sorry on the phone he was crying it makes everything so much harder for me.

I don't know if im going to meet up with him or not.
  

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